Life Without You

Disclaimer: McG and Josh Schwartz own the O.C., I just wish I did.

Summary: Seth sails away, wondering if anyone really cared about his life. What happens when he wishes to never have been born?

A/N: As always, thanks for the reviews. They inspire me to write—especially when I should be studying for finals! Oh well. I hope this chapter is good also, since I've been getting such great feedback I don't want to disappoint you!

Seth closed his eyes and settled into his seat. He hadn't realized how tired he was. I'll just drift off for a few minutes, Seth thought to himself.

Within moments…or days, or years, or centuries, Seth was awoken from his dreamland.

"Seth, come on," the angel pulled Seth on to his feet. They were on a beach, a bonfire was blazing a few yards away, and loud music was emanating from behind them.

"Where are we?" Seth blinked a few times. This brought back memories of Ryan's early days in the Cohen household, when they were at Holly's party. Luke and Marissa were still a couple back then, and Summer was still a scared little girl hiding under the blanket of bitchiness.

Seth barely avoided a collision with a very drunk girl and her delighted boyfriend…boy toy…whatever. They were laughing and stumbling over the sand. A group of six boys was gathered around the bonfire. Looking closer, Seth saw Luke. And the lump in his throat that had been growing all the while grew larger. This was not the Luke who liked Rooney and was an outcast, the guy with a gay dad. This was pre-dragon lady Luke. He was looking very much like the 'I want to kick Seth's ass' Luke. Very much so.

But since he couldn't be seen to the naked eye, okay to any eye, Seth wasn't that worried. And in the unlikely event that Luke was also able to feel, Seth didn't think Luke had the brains or attention span to find the cause of the weird magnetic force of a invisible person.

"Why don't we go inside?" the angel suggested, seeing the look on Seth's face as he saw Luke and his buddies begin to shove a skinny, curly haired boy around.

Seth stood, watching, his mouth wide open. "Who is that?" Seth asked. He looks just like me, Seth thought to himself.

"You didn't think Luke and his buddies wouldn't find someone else to pick on, if you weren't there, would you?"

Seth shook his head. "No…I just thought…I guess I thought Nathan would be the dork, the outcast."

The angel raised his eyebrows…were they eyebrows? Seth wasn't sure. "Nathan's lived here all his life, you didn't."

Ah. So it was true. You had to be born into this life to fit in. Take Kirsten for example, she was born in Newport and while she left, coming back was no big deal. She was one of them, always had been, and therefore always would be. Seth hadn't been born in Newport, spent his early years there. Of course he would be a loser. It just didn't seem fair that Nathan, his replacement (in a skewed sort of way), was popular, or at least wasn't the butt of cruel jokes.

"So who is…that?" Seth asked, pointing to the curly haired boy, who was currently being dangled upside down for Luke's entertainment pleasure.

"That," the angel paused, as if trying to place the boy, "is Sam Cotter."

He's got the same initials as me, Seth thought.

"What's going to happen to him?"

The angel shook its head unhappily. "My guess is as good as yours, Seth. I suppose they'll leave him there once he passes out…"

Shocked, Seth blurted out, "Where's Ryan?"

Another despondent head shake. "Seth, Ryan's in…"

"Juvie," Seth finished. "I know, I guess I should've thought of that. But doesn't Sam have a Ryan? Maybe his name isn't Ryan, but a kid from Chino or Riverside or wherever the sun doesn't shine…"

"Seth," the angel smiled grimly. "Not everyone is as lucky as you…were."

He took Seth by the elbow and led him up a path. Soon they were in someone's backyard, it looked oddly familiar…

"Holly!" Summer slurred, brushing past Seth and greeting the blonde girl with a kiss on the cheek. She turned around, as if looking for something she didn't know she'd lost.

"Hey," Holly replied, equally drunk. "Where's your boyfriend?"

Summer shrugged. "Luke's probably down on the beach. I'll catch you later, okay?"

"Yeah." Holly grinned stupidly and waved after Summer, who was walking…err, staggering back into the beach house.

Wait. Summer was dating…Luke?

Before Seth could voice his concern and anger and jealousy, the angel began to follow Summer.

"Sad, isn't it?" the guardian angel called over his shoulder.

"How…why…how…" Seth's words formed a jumble of nonsensical thoughts.

"Marissa was never in the picture to steal Luke's heart…I mean, capture it in the first place."

Summer had been eyeing Ryan at the party, back when Seth was…Seth. Yet Marissa had wanted the new, dangerously good looking guy. And Marissa, it seemed, got what she wanted. There was no denying it, Marissa was a classic beauty. She could manage to look sultry and sexy or classy and glamorous. Summer…she was hot. Oh, there was no question about it. She was all curves and just like her name…hot.

Much as Seth preferred Summer over Marissa, he was glad Marissa always got what she wanted. If it was the other way around, Summer would've ended up with Ryan at some point…or worse, she'd be with Luke.

"Does that mean…" Seth couldn't bear to finish his sentence. Does that mean if it weren't for Marissa's love of Ryan, Summer would be loving Ryan, and not me?

"No," the angel settled Seth's inner thoughts and fears. "You and Summer were meant to be. It was written…oh, never mind. Without Marissa, there would've been a few obstacles and bumps in the road, but don't get me wrong--you and Summer were inevitably going to end up together."

That was okay. Seth could deal with that. Maybe he should've cut Marissa some slack; without her, it would've taken longer for him to win Summer over and when he did, his relationship with Ryan would've been strained. Very, very strained.

They entered the house, which was pulsating with the latest Usher single. Seth saw quite a few kids he knew from school, as well as others he didn't know. Summer was chatting it up with a well built blond who had the 'I want to get in your pants' daze on his pretty face.

Summer, who was holding a plastic cup in her hand, drained it, laughed, and said something to the boy. He too chugged his drink and they both set the empty cups down on a table. Seth's insides turned when he saw what they did next…they were heading upstairs. Seth ran to follow them, thumping up the stairs and, quite frankly, not caring whether he broke the rules this time. He couldn't let Summer do this. She'd regret it; this Seth knew. And he'd regret letting it happen, even though technically he wasn't living in her world, her life. He just…wasn't.

On the way up the stairs, Summer kept turning around curiously, like she was hearing something. But she saw nothing, and continued up to a room.

Seth reached the top of the stairs and his guardian angel appeared before him, holding a hand up to stop the teenager.

"Don't do anything stupid, Seth," it warned. Seth nodded his head, hoping he wouldn't have to, but God knows he probably wouldn't be able to control his body. The angel dropped its hand…was it a hand, though? Whatever it was, it was dropped and the angel led Seth to a partially closed door. Through it they could hear giggles and then a scream. Seth quietly slipped through the opening in the door and the angel followed suit. Summer and the unnamed pretty boy were kissing wildly in a corner of the room, up against the wall. Summer was laughing and moaning as the boy's hands traveled.

"Get off her, you punk," Seth screamed, but the boy didn't hear him. Obviously not. Instead, he led Summer over to the bed and pushed her down onto it. They began to kiss again, and with each whimper from Summer, Seth's heart was twisted a little bit more.

He turned towards the angel. "Can we go yet?" Seth did not want to stick around for the next part of the show.

"Seth, it's important you see this, but don't do anything. You hear me?"

"I hear you," Seth said. He didn't say he would follow the rules though…

Suddenly, a high pitched scream from the middle of the room. The boy was trying to pull Summer's shirt off, and was already shirtless himself.

He slapped her across the face, annoyed. "Take your damn shirt off, bitch!"

"Don't you fucking touch her," Seth yelled back. Summer sat up for a second, staring directly at Seth with this weird, vacant look in her eyes, but was pushed back down on the bed.

Summer began to cry softly as she took off her shirt and covered her chest with folded arms. The boy hurriedly undid his belt, slipped off his pants, and rolled on top of Summer.

"Please, stop, please." Summer sobbed.

"Shut up. Just hold still and it'll be over soon enough. You'll enjoy it, too. Every fucking second."

Summer held still, while the boy began to kiss her chest. A scared, hurt, uncertain look shifted into her eyes, but in the next instant she was pummeling the boy with her small, but powerful fists. She was still scared, Seth could tell, but now she was hiding that under a mask of confidence. The boy fell backwards, surprised, but quickly regained the upper hand. He dealt three heavy blows to Summer's head, then forced himself onto her again.

Seth covered his eyes with his hands, peeking out from his fingers. He could hardly bear to watch. His body was itching to help Summer, to kill that guy, to hurt him, make him faceless, because Summer didn't deserve this.

"Get off her," Seth cried repeatedly, while the guy had his way with Summer, who was lying quietly with her eyes closed. Was she really letting him have his way...or had she passed out?

Seth stole a glance at the angel, who was watching wretchedly. He ran over to the bed and began shaking the guy, who looked around with a confused expression on his face.

"Seth, stop!" the angel cried, but to no avail. The boy looked at Summer, then around the empty room. A scared look upon his face, he gathered his clothes and tore out of the room.

"Thanks for leaving, bucko," Seth yelled after him. Angrily, he sat down on the bed and began to stroke Summer's hair, which had become tousled during the whole ordeal. He saw that she was not passed out, or at least not anymore. Rather, she was crying softly, as if trying to hide her pain from everyone, but Seth could see her chest rising and falling erratically.

"Please, stop, please," Summer moaned again, and opened her eyes. They opened even more widely when she saw that the boy was gone. But there was no one else in the room. So what was she feeling? Air? She wasn't that drunk; even Holly, the queen of drunks, didn't feel things that weren't there while she was drunk. And Summer hadn't been using either. Drugs were one thing she wouldn't touch, wouldn't let pass through her system.

"Summer, it's me, Seth," Seth said, ignoring the death glare coming from the angel, who had floated…flown? It had flown over and was hovering on the other side of the bed next to Summer.

Summer looked around, shook her head as if she were crazy, and laid it back down on the pillow wearily.

"Come on, we've got to do something, we can't just leave her here," Seth said to the guardian angel, who was motioning to Seth that it was time to leave.

"I think you've done enough, Seth," the angel said harshly, but not without kindness and understanding.

"But…" Seth looked at the raven haired beauty, who was whispering to herself.

"Seth." the angel's voice was becoming impatient. "Let's go. You're in enough trouble as it is."

"No. Let me at least get her home safely," Seth pleaded. "If I'm already getting in trouble, might as well milk it for all it's worth."

The angel threw its hands up in defeat. "Fine. You know this is all going to fall on your shoulders, right?"

"I'd do anything to help her. Anything." Seth's voice cracked. He scooped Summer up and began to walk out of the room. She was in his arms, he could feel her, really feel her. Could she feel him? She must be able to; would she really think that she was flying in the air?

"Seth, if you're going to do this, do it right." The angel pointed to the big bay window. Seth raised his eyebrows, as if to say 'I'm not jumping'. "You're not jumping," the angel affirmed. "I'm going to go get the motorcycle and bring it to the window."

Seth nodded and sat down on the bed; his load wasn't heavy but Summer was definitely making his arms ache a bit. He'd never admit it though, for fear of being called a wimp by Summer and/or Ryan, and making Summer unhappy because she'd assume he thought she was fat. He couldn't win, really he couldn't.

The angel had disappeared but reappeared moments later by the window. The side-car was right up against the window, and the window was just big enough for Seth to hoist Summer and himself into it. She was lying in his lap, arms draped across his shoulders and neck.

Seth enjoyed the cool night air whipping across his face as they flew to Summer's house. Once they got there, Seth was not surprised--but definitely relieved--to see that Summer's father was not home. All the lights were off, and there were no cars in the driveway. The angel parked, and Seth lifted Summer into his arms and carried her into the house. How he got in, he wasn't quite sure. Summer's purse had been left somewhere at the beach house…if she'd even brought one. Now wasn't the time to deal with minutia such as the locked door or a forgotten purse.

He brought her into her very much pink room, and smiled, seeing Princess Sparkles lying on the night table. It was good to know some things didn't change. Summer moaned softly, about a boy named Will. Seth felt it safe to assume that the blonde haired jerk from Holly's party was Will.

"Will…I didn't want to, why did you make me…oh Will," Summer was bawling, quite incoherently. Seth could barely understand her.

"Summer, shh, it's okay," Seth said, even though he knew it wasn't okay and she couldn't hear him. Maybe she could feel him, but they always said 'seeing is believing' and Summer definitely couldn't see him.

--

Seth wasn't sure how long he'd been asleep, but as he awoke he saw a sea of pink. He was still in Summer's room? How had his guardian angel allowed this to happen, how had it gotten permission? Maybe it was part of the plan…

Instinctively, Seth looked over, and saw an empty place beside him on the bed. He'd slept in Summer's bed with her? While he didn't even exist? Wow.

Seth crept downstairs, seeing no signs of his guardian angel or Summer. He heard voices in the kitchen, and went to investigate. Holly and Summer, dressed in coordinating Juicy outfits, were eating bagels.

"So where'd you disappear to last night?" Holly asked, taking a large sip of her orange juice.

Summer stiffened. "That's actually what I wanted to talk to you about, Holl."

"Mmhmm?" Holly said, rooting around in her purse for her cell phone when it started to ring. She flipped the cell phone open and held up a finger to Summer.

"Hey, baby. I'm at Summer's. You do? We are? Okay! I'll meet you at my house in twenty."

Holly giggled for a few more minutes, then closed her cell phone and put it back into her purse. "Sorry, Sum. I've got to go. Brad's planned the whole day for the two of us." She smiled apologetically. "I'll call you later and tell you how it goes!" Summer's whereabouts from the night before forgotten, Holly hugged Summer and left the kitchen.

"Bye, Holl," Summer said dejectedly. Ditched for Brad. As usual. She sighed, placed Holly's empty glass and plate in the sink and left her own breakfast on the table. Suddenly, she'd lost her appetite. Summer walked up the stairs, slowly, so slowly that Seth had to pause at every step or he'd be right on top of her.

Summer felt tears welling up in her eyes. Holly was so lucky, even though Brad was really, really stupid. Luke was supposed to be her boyfriend, but he never did anything for her. If he hadn't been so busy beating up whatever nameless loser, he would've been with Summer, and kept her safe from Will. But he didn't know about Will, and probably wouldn't care. He'd say Summer had been drunk and was dreaming. Or something equally brainless.

She entered her bedroom and closed the door, locking it. Seth had just enough time to slip in before she closed it, though. Summer let her pants drop to the floor and unzipped her hoodie. She took off her bra and underwear and walked over to the full length mirror on the wall.

Both she and Seth gasped when they saw the angry bruises on her legs, arms, and stomach. A small bump was rising on the side of her head.

Summer fell to her knees and began to cry.

Daddy dearest wasn't home, Holly had ditched her, and she had no one. It wasn't as though she could or would spill her emotions to the help, who didn't speak much English.

Seth walked over to Summer and sat down next to her. He didn't touch her, but was close enough that he could almost feel her breathing. She turned her head, looking Seth straight in the face, and Seth realized they were just barely touching noses. Summer sighed, wiped away a tear, and walked over to her dresser. Taking out a bathing suit and small black book, Summer put the bathing suit on--much to Seth's dismay. Now wasn't the time to think of that though, Seth reminded himself. Summer had practically been raped last night and now she was all alone. She had no one.

Summer picked up the black book and grabbed a pen off her desk. She sat down on her bed, legs crossed Indian style, and began to write, ignoring the tears steadily sliding down her face.

Seth watched her write, and once she was done, she left the open book on the bed and walked into the bathroom, shutting the door behind her. Seth heard the sound of water running, and rushed over to the bed. He knew he shouldn't read it, he knew it wasn't the right thing to do, but he had to.

Dear Diary,

Last night I went to Holly's party. And I went upstairs with Will, he's a great guy really, and I've been friends with him for the longest time. First of all, I have a boyfriend, Luke, who is never around to protect me. And I lo…like him a lot. I can't believe Will would try to take advantage of me, especially when I'm sure Luke's told him that I won't have sex. I mean, I know I was drunk and I shouldn't have gone off with Will...but I feel so neglected by Luke sometimes, and Will was there...

You know I'm not ready to take the next step, even though Holly says its fun and no big deal. For her. He kind of forced himself on to me…and we did it. I can't stop thinking about it. I should've tried to fight back, I know I should, but I just couldn't. Besides, he's stronger than me, and I put up a weak fight and he hit me. Will hit me.

It was really weird, because one minute I was squeezing my eyes shut and praying it would be over, and the next, Will's gone and someone's touching my face. But there was no one there. I swear I could've felt something…but it must've been my overactive imagination. The creepy thing is, I don't know how I got home after that. But when I woke up this morning, I was in my own bed and I felt like someone was beside me, protecting me. But of course there was no one there. Still, I could've sworn there was something there.

Holly came over this morning but of course she high-tailed it out of here when Brad called. I don't think she even cares about me anymore. We might be best friends in name, but she's never here for me.

I don't have anyone. All the guys want is ass, and all the girls want is a juicy bit of gossip.

No one loves me. If my dad did, he'd be here. If my mom did, she wouldn't have run away.

It's not worth it. It's just not worth it.

Love, Summer

Seth felt himself being whirled away, before he could even stop to think. He reached up and touched his wet face…had he been crying?

Suddenly, there was solid ground beneath his feet, instead of…well, Seth wasn't sure. He was back in the white room. It was painfully bright, perhaps even brighter than before.

He hadn't gotten to see Summer one last time, to hold her or touch her. Seth knew he wasn't supposed to touch her in the first place, but still he felt empty, as though they hadn't had a proper goodbye.

"I never told her I loved her," Seth said, regretfully. Even if she couldn't hear him, maybe she'd get a loving vibe.

He loved her, needed her.

And as far as Seth could tell, the frightened, lonely girl loved him, needed him too.

A/N: Wow, that was a lot longer than I expected. I think it turned out relatively well, what do you think? Please review!