Notes: I hated writing this chapter. You'll see why.
A number of reviews back, Mistress Flame made a comment about the parallel in the story, that usually when something bad happens in high school, something good follows in the 'present' day and vice versa. It's true, that's how I've tried to balance this story out and why I like it so much. And that will carry through eventually in the end. ;) thanks for reading/reviewing.
Chapter 54 -Don't Do This To Me-
Mark's POV
I hold Roger's hand tightly. He notices and pulls me into a gentle embrace.
"Are you alright? We don't have to do this?"
I shake my head. "I can't. I can't go in, Rog. Don't make me."
He laughs softly. "I told you we didn't have to, I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. We'll go hang out somewhere else."
I nod at him and pull him away from the school. He puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me back to his car. Neither one of us dressed up anyway, and neither of us really wants to pay the twenty dollars per couple to get in the school gym for an evening.
"I'm sorry." I say when we're in the car. "I just can't."
"It's alright. I told you we didn't have to go. I'm glad you told me."
"I'm not ready for that." I tell him, trying to come up with a good explanation to why I just wussed out of going to prom.
He pulls me over to him. "Marky, relax. No one says you have to be." He kisses my cheek. "We're leaving, it's alright."
He drives out of the parking lot and back out onto the main road. "Where do you want to go?" He asks me.
I shrug. "Doesn't matter."
He drives in the direction of the highway and I know he's taking me to the city. I move closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. When I open my eyes again he's shaking me to wake up.
"C'mon, get up." He smirks. "Don't make me carry you."
"Would you?" I ask, yawning.
"Oh come on." He pulls on my arms and I stumble out of the car and into him. He steadies me and lays a quick, gentle kiss on my lips. I force myself to smile at him and allow him to take my hand and he leads me inside.
In our room he lays on the bed and I lay against him. He wraps his arms around me.
"I'm sorry." I say again. He tries to deflect me again but I stop him. "I just can't. I don't know, I thought I'd be ok, but I'm not."
"Marky. . ."
I pull myself out of his arms. "Not just about prom."
"What do you mean, then?"
"I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?" I hear a bitter edge creeping into his voice.
"Roger," I sigh and bite my lip, trying to keep the fear of what he's going to say out of my voice. "You're great, you know, but. . ."
He sits up and glares at me. "But what?"
I say nothing and trace my finger over the ugly pattern on the bed.
"What, dammit?" He yells and I cringe.
"We can't be together, Rog. We can't."
I hear his intake of breath. "Why not?"
"I thought I was going to be ok with this, but I'm not. And if I don't think I'm going to. . ."
"Ok with what? Us? Being in public? Is that what you mean? Jesus, Mark. Fucking talk to me!"
I recoil and pull my hands together and wrap them around my stomach. "Think about it, Roger. If I can't handle anyone knowing, how are we supposed to get along? I'm sorry. I just, I can't do that to you."
"You're going to do this to me instead?" He stands up angrily. "Dammit! Mark I told you it was fine! I told you it's all right that you're not comfortable in public yet. I can handle that! You don't have to do this!"
"What if it's not something I'm going to get over eventually? What if it's always going to be like that? Do you want that? I don't want you to have that. I want. . ."
"Don't tell me what you want for me, Mark! I can tell you what I want." He kneels by me. "And I want you. Even if I'm the only one that knows. I love you. Please, don't do this to me."
I sniff and blink away the tears I feel forming. I'm breaking his heart, I know, and it's killing me. But all my former suspicions and reluctance came back full force tonight standing outside of the gym. I couldn't imagine going in with him. I didn't want anyone to see us, or see me. I should have known well enough at the beginning that I couldn't handle this pressure. And even though Roger thinks he's helping and thinks that he's understanding, I feel pressured. I hear the disappointment in his voice or see it in his eyes when I reject his advances in public. And I hate that I do that to him. I hate that I'm hurting him now. Seeing the fear and the pain in his eyes now, I look away. Is this really for the best or am I fooling myself again?
"Please, Marky." I hear his voice getting heavy. He takes my hands. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't leave me. I can't take it. Don't leave me."
I can't remain stoic, I start to cry and he pulls me to him in a desperate embrace. I wrap my arms around him, bury my face in his shoulder and sob uncontrollably. I think I frighten him a little and he rubs my back gently and allows me to hold him tightly.
"I love you." His voice a quiet hum against my ear. "I really mean it when I tell you that, Mark. I love you."
"I know." I tell him. "And I love you too, but. . ."
"No." He says stubbornly, pushing me away from him, but leaving his hands gripping tightly to my arms. "Don't, Mark. Please. You don't have to. You're not hurting me by being with me. Never. But you will hurt me if you do this." He sniffs and blinks a few times. "What we have is worth it, trust me. It's worth anything we have to sacrifice and anything we have to work to maintain. It's worth it."
I let him pull me back against him and I know he just talked me out of breaking up with him. I hold him tightly and try to forget my fears, but I know I'm only burying them. He pulls back and kisses me gently, and I taste salt from my tears and from the ones he's just starting to shed. I open my mouth to him and he deepens the kiss, but it retains the hesitant, tender feeling it began with. I lay back on the bed and he closes the space between us, laying his head on my chest. I stroke his hair gently and he's asleep soon afterwards, his arms around my waist. I close my eyes too, hating myself for making him hurt.
"I'm sorry." I whisper to his sleeping form.
(a week later)
I wait for him outside of the school. Finally he emerges, his hands in his pockets, upset and angry. I walk up to him, but he hardly notices me. He goes to his car, and I hurriedly get into the passenger seat before he can leave without me. We drive for a minute in silence before I get the courage to ask him what's wrong. It takes him a while to answer.
"They're holding me back a year." He says angrily. "I'm not graduating."
"But," I say in shock. "You've worked really hard! You're passing everything!"
"It doesn't matter. They think I need another year to 'prepare for college'. Well fuck college, I wasn't going anyway."
"They can't flunk you, Roger! They can't!"
"Well, they're going to." He scoffs. "I'm staying in high school next year."
As horrible as I feel that Roger has to repeat a year, I'm guilty of being glad of it. A huge part of my worries about where we would be when he graduated are solved. He's not going anywhere until I am. I move over to him and rub his shoulder gently.
"There's nothing you can do?" I ask him quietly.
He shakes his head. "No, except drop out."
"Don't." I tell him. "Please, don't."
"Why the fuck not? I don't need this shit anyway."
I sigh. "Roger, I don't doubt you're going to be some famous rock star someday, but in case you're not, or you blow all your money on beer and hookers like they all do, you're going to need a diploma. Please don't drop out."
"Beer and hookers?"
"I'm serious, Roger. I think it's unfair you have to be here another year too, but just stick it out and graduate. Please."
He sighs. "Well, we've got a summer to have fun, anyway." He says reluctantly, unconvincingly.
I kiss his cheek. "Don't be so happy about it." I tell him sarcastically.
"Look, I'm just going to take you home, ok? I sort of want to be alone."
"Take me to Maureen's." I tell him. "I haven't done anything with her alone in a while."
He does and I kiss him gently before I get out of the car.
"It'll be alright, Rog. I promise. But please don't do anything stupid, ok?"
He nods and gives me a half-assed smile before he drives away. I watch his car go until I hear an excited squeal and Maureen jumps on my back.
"Oh Marky! You're here! Alone!" She says happily. "Not that when you're with Roger is bad, but. . ."
"I know, Maureen, it's alright."
She pulls me inside. "You're just in time, I was just going to start practicing my frog protest."
"Your frog protest?"
"Remember? I said we should protest cutting up poor defenseless frogs in biology classes? Well bio classes are doing that tomorrow and I'm going to go to go to them all and protest!"
"Won't you be cutting all of your other classes?"
"So? Marky this is for a cause!"
She eyes my camera. "You can tape it, to preserve the memories!"
I smile reluctantly.
"Well since you're here and you're got that I'm going to put my costume on and everything! Dress rehearsal!" She starts to go upstairs.
"Maureen can I talk to you? Like, really talk?"
"I need to practice, Marky. Afterwards."
Knowing 'afterwards' could mean anywhere from 5pm to midnight or even not at all, I sigh and make myself comfortable on the couch. One of the best things about Roger is that he'll make it a priority to talk to me if I need him. It was always one of the worst things about Maureen. Since I've been with him I never feel lonely, or that no one understands, because I know he does. He may not understand everything about school, people, or life but he understands me.
And no one else ever has.
Notes Continued: Unfortunately I see an end in sight for this story. I'm going to drag it out as long as possible, but it's inevitable. Sorry! It is fun to go back and reread old chapters though, even for me, especially if you just pick one at random. So I recommend that for anyone who'll experience withdrawal symptoms associated with this story ending. Lol. The other matter is I've focused on this story completely for what, three months now? I'll get another epic going soon after, but I've got other shorter things I want to write too. Well thanks for reading/reviewing, I'll be back soon. Hopefully sooner than my last few updates have been. ;)
A number of reviews back, Mistress Flame made a comment about the parallel in the story, that usually when something bad happens in high school, something good follows in the 'present' day and vice versa. It's true, that's how I've tried to balance this story out and why I like it so much. And that will carry through eventually in the end. ;) thanks for reading/reviewing.
Chapter 54 -Don't Do This To Me-
Mark's POV
I hold Roger's hand tightly. He notices and pulls me into a gentle embrace.
"Are you alright? We don't have to do this?"
I shake my head. "I can't. I can't go in, Rog. Don't make me."
He laughs softly. "I told you we didn't have to, I'm not going to make you do anything you don't want to. We'll go hang out somewhere else."
I nod at him and pull him away from the school. He puts his arm around my shoulders and leads me back to his car. Neither one of us dressed up anyway, and neither of us really wants to pay the twenty dollars per couple to get in the school gym for an evening.
"I'm sorry." I say when we're in the car. "I just can't."
"It's alright. I told you we didn't have to go. I'm glad you told me."
"I'm not ready for that." I tell him, trying to come up with a good explanation to why I just wussed out of going to prom.
He pulls me over to him. "Marky, relax. No one says you have to be." He kisses my cheek. "We're leaving, it's alright."
He drives out of the parking lot and back out onto the main road. "Where do you want to go?" He asks me.
I shrug. "Doesn't matter."
He drives in the direction of the highway and I know he's taking me to the city. I move closer to him and rest my head on his shoulder. When I open my eyes again he's shaking me to wake up.
"C'mon, get up." He smirks. "Don't make me carry you."
"Would you?" I ask, yawning.
"Oh come on." He pulls on my arms and I stumble out of the car and into him. He steadies me and lays a quick, gentle kiss on my lips. I force myself to smile at him and allow him to take my hand and he leads me inside.
In our room he lays on the bed and I lay against him. He wraps his arms around me.
"I'm sorry." I say again. He tries to deflect me again but I stop him. "I just can't. I don't know, I thought I'd be ok, but I'm not."
"Marky. . ."
I pull myself out of his arms. "Not just about prom."
"What do you mean, then?"
"I can't do this anymore."
"Do what?" I hear a bitter edge creeping into his voice.
"Roger," I sigh and bite my lip, trying to keep the fear of what he's going to say out of my voice. "You're great, you know, but. . ."
He sits up and glares at me. "But what?"
I say nothing and trace my finger over the ugly pattern on the bed.
"What, dammit?" He yells and I cringe.
"We can't be together, Rog. We can't."
I hear his intake of breath. "Why not?"
"I thought I was going to be ok with this, but I'm not. And if I don't think I'm going to. . ."
"Ok with what? Us? Being in public? Is that what you mean? Jesus, Mark. Fucking talk to me!"
I recoil and pull my hands together and wrap them around my stomach. "Think about it, Roger. If I can't handle anyone knowing, how are we supposed to get along? I'm sorry. I just, I can't do that to you."
"You're going to do this to me instead?" He stands up angrily. "Dammit! Mark I told you it was fine! I told you it's all right that you're not comfortable in public yet. I can handle that! You don't have to do this!"
"What if it's not something I'm going to get over eventually? What if it's always going to be like that? Do you want that? I don't want you to have that. I want. . ."
"Don't tell me what you want for me, Mark! I can tell you what I want." He kneels by me. "And I want you. Even if I'm the only one that knows. I love you. Please, don't do this to me."
I sniff and blink away the tears I feel forming. I'm breaking his heart, I know, and it's killing me. But all my former suspicions and reluctance came back full force tonight standing outside of the gym. I couldn't imagine going in with him. I didn't want anyone to see us, or see me. I should have known well enough at the beginning that I couldn't handle this pressure. And even though Roger thinks he's helping and thinks that he's understanding, I feel pressured. I hear the disappointment in his voice or see it in his eyes when I reject his advances in public. And I hate that I do that to him. I hate that I'm hurting him now. Seeing the fear and the pain in his eyes now, I look away. Is this really for the best or am I fooling myself again?
"Please, Marky." I hear his voice getting heavy. He takes my hands. "You're the best thing that's ever happened to me. Don't leave me. I can't take it. Don't leave me."
I can't remain stoic, I start to cry and he pulls me to him in a desperate embrace. I wrap my arms around him, bury my face in his shoulder and sob uncontrollably. I think I frighten him a little and he rubs my back gently and allows me to hold him tightly.
"I love you." His voice a quiet hum against my ear. "I really mean it when I tell you that, Mark. I love you."
"I know." I tell him. "And I love you too, but. . ."
"No." He says stubbornly, pushing me away from him, but leaving his hands gripping tightly to my arms. "Don't, Mark. Please. You don't have to. You're not hurting me by being with me. Never. But you will hurt me if you do this." He sniffs and blinks a few times. "What we have is worth it, trust me. It's worth anything we have to sacrifice and anything we have to work to maintain. It's worth it."
I let him pull me back against him and I know he just talked me out of breaking up with him. I hold him tightly and try to forget my fears, but I know I'm only burying them. He pulls back and kisses me gently, and I taste salt from my tears and from the ones he's just starting to shed. I open my mouth to him and he deepens the kiss, but it retains the hesitant, tender feeling it began with. I lay back on the bed and he closes the space between us, laying his head on my chest. I stroke his hair gently and he's asleep soon afterwards, his arms around my waist. I close my eyes too, hating myself for making him hurt.
"I'm sorry." I whisper to his sleeping form.
(a week later)
I wait for him outside of the school. Finally he emerges, his hands in his pockets, upset and angry. I walk up to him, but he hardly notices me. He goes to his car, and I hurriedly get into the passenger seat before he can leave without me. We drive for a minute in silence before I get the courage to ask him what's wrong. It takes him a while to answer.
"They're holding me back a year." He says angrily. "I'm not graduating."
"But," I say in shock. "You've worked really hard! You're passing everything!"
"It doesn't matter. They think I need another year to 'prepare for college'. Well fuck college, I wasn't going anyway."
"They can't flunk you, Roger! They can't!"
"Well, they're going to." He scoffs. "I'm staying in high school next year."
As horrible as I feel that Roger has to repeat a year, I'm guilty of being glad of it. A huge part of my worries about where we would be when he graduated are solved. He's not going anywhere until I am. I move over to him and rub his shoulder gently.
"There's nothing you can do?" I ask him quietly.
He shakes his head. "No, except drop out."
"Don't." I tell him. "Please, don't."
"Why the fuck not? I don't need this shit anyway."
I sigh. "Roger, I don't doubt you're going to be some famous rock star someday, but in case you're not, or you blow all your money on beer and hookers like they all do, you're going to need a diploma. Please don't drop out."
"Beer and hookers?"
"I'm serious, Roger. I think it's unfair you have to be here another year too, but just stick it out and graduate. Please."
He sighs. "Well, we've got a summer to have fun, anyway." He says reluctantly, unconvincingly.
I kiss his cheek. "Don't be so happy about it." I tell him sarcastically.
"Look, I'm just going to take you home, ok? I sort of want to be alone."
"Take me to Maureen's." I tell him. "I haven't done anything with her alone in a while."
He does and I kiss him gently before I get out of the car.
"It'll be alright, Rog. I promise. But please don't do anything stupid, ok?"
He nods and gives me a half-assed smile before he drives away. I watch his car go until I hear an excited squeal and Maureen jumps on my back.
"Oh Marky! You're here! Alone!" She says happily. "Not that when you're with Roger is bad, but. . ."
"I know, Maureen, it's alright."
She pulls me inside. "You're just in time, I was just going to start practicing my frog protest."
"Your frog protest?"
"Remember? I said we should protest cutting up poor defenseless frogs in biology classes? Well bio classes are doing that tomorrow and I'm going to go to go to them all and protest!"
"Won't you be cutting all of your other classes?"
"So? Marky this is for a cause!"
She eyes my camera. "You can tape it, to preserve the memories!"
I smile reluctantly.
"Well since you're here and you're got that I'm going to put my costume on and everything! Dress rehearsal!" She starts to go upstairs.
"Maureen can I talk to you? Like, really talk?"
"I need to practice, Marky. Afterwards."
Knowing 'afterwards' could mean anywhere from 5pm to midnight or even not at all, I sigh and make myself comfortable on the couch. One of the best things about Roger is that he'll make it a priority to talk to me if I need him. It was always one of the worst things about Maureen. Since I've been with him I never feel lonely, or that no one understands, because I know he does. He may not understand everything about school, people, or life but he understands me.
And no one else ever has.
Notes Continued: Unfortunately I see an end in sight for this story. I'm going to drag it out as long as possible, but it's inevitable. Sorry! It is fun to go back and reread old chapters though, even for me, especially if you just pick one at random. So I recommend that for anyone who'll experience withdrawal symptoms associated with this story ending. Lol. The other matter is I've focused on this story completely for what, three months now? I'll get another epic going soon after, but I've got other shorter things I want to write too. Well thanks for reading/reviewing, I'll be back soon. Hopefully sooner than my last few updates have been. ;)