Disclaimers and summary on first chapter

Notes: Pretty regular update. Wasn't too long between this time. Only one chappie. Sad, but I think it's good. Even with Mimi. ;)

Chapter 57 -Unable To Breathe-

Roger's POV

I swallow a few times, trying hard to catch my breath, hospitals make me so nervous and knowing what's happening here only makes it worse. The nurse I'm following turns another corner in this white maze of death. We pass a room full of balloons where a little girl lays bald and tiny on her white bed. It's always white. White everywhere and a sickly green colour in the cafeteria. Because that's certainly appetizing. Turn another corner, go through two sets of double doors. First room on the left. The nurse smiles at me and leaves. Oh fuck. I wish fleetingly that Mark had come with me, but he doesn't need to deal with this. Knowing he's down there for me is enough.

I knock cautiously on the door and take a step backwards, clasping my hands in front of me and feeling the sweat gathering on my palms. An older Mimi, with some wrinkles and too large to fit in blue plastic pants, but not exactly fat, opens the door.

"Roger?" She asks, an accent heavy in her voice.

I nod because I can't speak and she opens the door all the way and beckons me in.

"Mimi, chica." She says softly, laying a hand on her arm. "Roger."

I stand against the wall, too terrified to move. I can't do this. She's so thin and tiny, are those bags under her eyes? Gentle creases at the corners of her eyes, her mouth? My little girl. Fuck, that'll be me. That'll be me. Will Mark back away from me like this?

No. He wouldn't. Mark's seen me at my worst and then some and he still loved me. If Mark wouldn't do it to me, I can't do it to Mimi.

Cautiously I take a step out from where I stand. Mimi's eyes flutter open at her mother's touch. She smiles weakly and her mother returns it. She says something in Spanish I don't understand, then gives me the same sad smile as before and leaves. Oh, she's left us alone. I stay where I am, unable to move. Unable to breathe.

Mimi's eyes fall upon me. They're not empty, not like I feared. She's still there, but dimmer, fading. I bite back my fear and slowly walk over and kneel next to her bed. Her hand is hooked up to an IV so I'm careful in taking it. Her grip is weak, I hardly feel the little fingers struggling to keep hold of mine.

"I'm sorry." She whispers.

I sniff and blink a few times. "What for?" I ask, trying to keep my voice from shaking.

"I love you."

Oh fuck. "I love you too, baby." I bring her hand to my lips and kiss it gently. "What am I going to do without you?" I ask her.

She laughs as best she can. "Don't be an idiot, you've never needed me. I've always needed you."

I shake my head at her. "I would still be moping around the loft if it hadn't been for you. You got me out of that."

She squeezes my hand. "You would have done it eventually."

She looks over at the door, then back at me. Her other hand pats the bed.

"Lay here with me." When I give her an unsure look her eyes turn pleading. "Please? I'm cold, and. . ."

I hesitantly come around the other side of the bed and she moves over a little and when I'm lying next to her I pull her against me. I run my hand through her hair, hair I don't remember being so thin and light.

"How long, baby?" I ask her.

"I was waiting for you." She breathes softly.

I say nothing. I can't.

She's quiet for a while, all I hear is her soft shallow breathing.

"Are you happy?" She asks.

I look down at her. "What?"

"Are you happy?"

"Sometimes." I don't know what else to say.

"Are you with anyone?"

I don't want to say yes, I don't want to have to tell her it's Mark. I just don't want to have to tell her. Would she care if it were anyone else? Would she care that it's Mark? Is the way I think about Mark loving someone after me the same way that Mimi thinks about me loving someone besides her? Does she even think or care about it?

"No." I mumble, shaking my head.

"Roger. . . it's alright. I've accepted that we're over, and I wouldn't want you to be alone." She smiles up at me. "So. . ." She nudges my side. "Someone new?"

"Well, yeah. . . I guess. Yeah."

Mimi closes her eyes and leans closer.

"What's her name?" She asks.

This is too much. I cringe and close my eyes.

"I, uh, Mark." I sigh. "It's Mark."

"Mark?" She asks, confused. "You mean. . ."

"Yeah. I, I'm with Mark now."

"Oh." She adjusts her head on my chest. "Is he good to you?"

I feel myself smiling. "Always."

"Well, that's good." She says in a small voice. "Strange, but good. How did that happen?"

"Well," I start, not sure how to tell her. "We used to be together, a long time ago. In high school. But ," I sigh. "Shit happened and we, we broke up."

She bites her lip and looks up. "I wasn't the shit that happened, was I?"

"No! No, it wasn't you. We just," I sigh again. "Completely different, babe."

"Oh."

There're a few moments of silence.

"You love him?"

Again I feel the corners of my mouth curving up. "Yeah. Yeah, I love him."

"He loves you. I've seen that."

I kiss her forehead and pull her closer.

"You're still my girl." I tell her softly.

She coughs weakly in reply.

"You're beautiful." I tell her. "You know that? You're beautiful."

"Even now?"

"Always." I bite my lip and look down at her small, shaking form. "You're still the most beautiful girl I've ever seen."

She gives me a sad smile and then I hear the door click open. I don't bother to look up, assuming it's her mother.

"Excuse me, sir? You're going to have to leave now."

I glare at the nurse, who barely notices.

"Doctor's orders."

I start to protest but I feel Mimi's weak grip tighten.

"It's alright, baby. I'm fine."

Reluctantly I let her go and drag myself out of the bed. I kneel beside it and take her hand.

"I love you."

"I love you too, Roger."

They nurse makes a noise of impatience. I shoot her a glare and stand up, then lean over Mimi's bed and, ignoring that she could get me sick, kiss her gently on the lips. She gives my hand one last tight little squeeze, then lets go. I walk to the door and look back, and I see the old Mimi, my Mimi. Her thick, brown hair spread out over the pillow, the shining eyes smiling back at me and her soft full little mouth with the edges curved up so slightly. She gives me a weak wave and winks and the vision vanishes. I swallow because Mimi is sick and thin. I wave back and smile best I can.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

I had fallen asleep with my head in Mark's lap, him running his fingers through my hair. Now I yawn loudly and sit up painfully, falling asleep on the hospital couches is never a good idea.

I look back at Mark, who puts his arm around me and kisses my cheek.

"How'd she look?" He asks cautiously.

I shake my head. "Horrible. She's so thin and her hair has, like, gray in it or something. She looked old. And tired." I sigh and lean against him. "But beautiful. She's still beautiful."

He says nothing. I didn't expect him to.

"Did you sleep at all?" I ask him.

He shakes his head. "Nah, I was worried about you. You looked so horrible when you came back. I was worried."

I turn my head and lay a quick kiss on his lips.

"I love you, Mark."

"I know, Rog. I love you too."

"You can sleep now if you want. I'll. . ."

I see Mimi's mother walking alone down the hallway towards us. When she's closer I can tell she's crying. When she sees me I move to get up but she waves me away and keeps walking. I watch her go and then stand up and start back down the hallway to Mimi's room. Turn a corner, turn a corner, turn a corner, two double doors, someone shouts and then first room on the left.

Same white bed. Empty white bed, clean and ready. I step into the room cautiously, someone still shouting and I stand next to the bed. I drag my fingers across the pillow and remember her face. I'd promised her I'd be there.

I fall to my knees, feeling the tears gathering. I grip the side of the bed and let them fall.

"Roger? Roger, they're pissed, you have to get out of here." Mark grabs my shoulders.

I shake my head, feeling my shoulders shake under his grip. He kneels behind me and wraps his arms around my waist. He lays his head against my back.

"Excuse me, sir? You're going to have to leave."

I stand up angrily, inadvertently throwing Mark off of me.

"That's what you fucking said last time! She fucking died and I wasn't fucking here!"

"Sir. . ."

"Fuck you!" I step away from her, from Mark. A little silver band sits on the table next to the bed. One of her rings. I step toward it, pick it up. Tiny. Wouldn't fit on my smallest finger. Mimi's ring. Little pink heart embedded in the cheap metal. Not real silver. Shitty ring from a toy machine at the Food Emporium. I shove it in my pocket.

"When?" I ask the nurse. When she doesn't answer I yell.

"When did she die?"

"Last night."

"Last night?" I ask in disbelief.

"After eleven."

"Was her mother here? Was somebody here for her?"

For a moment sympathy crosses over the nurse's face.

"Yes. Her mother was here. She just left, she's been filling out paperwork since. . ."

"I saw her." I say, cutting her off.

Mark walks over hesitantly and takes hold of my arm.

"Come on." He whispers. "We should go."

I sniff and look back at the bed. I push him off.

"What do you care? You're probably glad she's dead! You never liked her anyway! You..."

"Roger!" He says, loud and firm, and I stop.

I stare at him for a long moment, the concern etched in his face, behind the thick frames of his glasses.

"Marky," I hear myself say in a quiet and small voice. "She's gone."

He opens his arms to me and pulls me into a tight embrace ignoring the insistent nurse at the door.

. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .

Notes continued: it'll get happy again, promise. ;) Thanks for reading/reviewing!! You guys rock!!