Snape whirled again and snapped his fingers. The lights dimmed and Pansy
Parkinson, Susan Bones, and Padma Patil rushed out of various closets in
Snape's office, all wearing the same matching sequined gowns, and lined up
behind Snape as music started throbbing through the office. Spotlights
flared and illuminated Snape, now wearing a sequined tux and matching top
hat. He grabbed the microphone that popped up in front of him and began to
sing...
"All my friends had to ask me sump'in they didn't understand: How I get, all the womens in the palm of my hand," he sang, fondling the microphone as Pansy, Susan, and Padma began to sway in time to the music behind him.
I told 'em treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady an' she'll give in to you. Oh, you can see, you know what I mean."
Snape stepped back and wrenched off his sparkly tail coat, swinging it over his head as he sang, swinging his hips to the beat. His backup singers suddenly looked flustered and began swaying out of time, staring at the man before them.
"I know you heard that the woman Soon take advantage-a you. Let me tell you, my friend, there just ain't no substitute!"
Snape let the jacket fling out of his hand, and there was a small scuffle between the backup singers. Pansy Parkinson punched Padma Patil in the nose as they each struggled to be the one to retrieve that silver sequined jacket, but Susan Bones give them each a few good swift kicks and leapt over them.
"You oughta treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady," Snape sang, his voice melting through the room, spurring the girls on to greater madness.
Padma had grabbed Susan Bones's ankles and she went crashing to the floor. Pansy Parkinson shoved Padma Patil's head down and finally seized the jacket in triumph. Padma and Susan had drawn their wands when they realized it was time for their backup parts. They scurried back behind Snape, Pansy hugging the jacket tightly.
"Treat her like, you gotta, gotta treat her like," they trilled, bobbing their hips in time.
"She'll give in to you, whoa, you can see, you know what I mean."
Ron stared at the show in awe, his jaw slack. Suddenly he whipped out a piece of parchment and began to furiously scribble down notes. "Treat her like...got to gotta treat her like..." he muttered, writing.
"Oh, you've got to love her," Snape sang.
"Love her!" the trio chirped.
"And tease her!"
"Tease her!"
"But most of all you've got to please her," Snape sang, leaning back to stroke Padma under the chin. She seemed ready to faint ecstatically. Susan tried to nab Snape's jacket from Pansy.
"Yeah," the girls sang.
"Love her...tease her..." Ron looked up. "What was that last bit?"
"You've got to hold her!"
"Hold her!"
"And want her."
"Want her!" came the reply.
"And make her feel you'll always need her."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the girls poured their hearts into the chorus, simpering eyes upon Snape.
Ron was now looking flustered. "Ok, hold her, want her...make her feel you'll always need her..."
"You know a woman, is sentimental and so easy to upset," Snape warned in song.
Ron looked, worried, at the trio of girls for confirmation of this new upsetting fact.
"Yea-eah-eah!" they replied enthusiastically. Ron looked faintly ill.
"So make her feel, that she's for real and she'll give you happiness. Whoa oh oh, strange as it seem, you know you can't treat a woman mean," Snape sang, wagging his finger at Ron.
"So my friends—" Snape intoned.
"Treat her like!" the girls chorused.
"There you have it--"
"Treat her like!"
"Said it's the easy way--"
"Treat her like!"
"Simple way. If ya fail--"
"Treat her like!"
"To do this--"
Ron looked up, scared.
"Don't blame her--"
"Treat her like!"
"If she look my way," Snape crooned.
Ron let out a laugh of relief. Who would prefer Snape to himself? The enthralled looks on the girls' faces as they stared at Snape's back made him think differently...
"'Cause I'm gonna treat her like a lady. So eventually, I'm gonna treat her like a lady."
Ron swallowed and mumbled as he wrote, "Don't...let...Snape...get...her..."
"Got to, got to treat her like!" the girls jingled.
"She'll give in to me, oh you can see, you know what I mean."
Ron looked up furiously at Snape, trembling, his hands balled up into fists.
"Yeah you've got to treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady."
"Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like!" came the girls chorus...again.
"And she'll give in to you," Snape finished, flinging his top hat into the corner. Ron looked slightly soothed.
"Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like! Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like! Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like!" the girls chanted as they squabbled over the hat in the corner. Snape watched them with mild interest before herding them back into their closets. He turned back to Ron, who was now covered in ink spots, furiously reviewing his notes. Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Got enough notes, Weasley?" he asked sarcastically.
"I think so," Ron said, oblivious to his professor's tone. "I have 'Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like...treat her like, got to--"
"Yes yes, well done. Now go find her, and treat her like a lady. That's the sure way to win over any woman."
"Yessir," Ron said, looking excitedly. He hurried from Snape's presence.
Snape paused, looking after Ron. He snapped his fingers, and Draco Malfoy appeared at his side.
"Watch him and see what he does to botch it up, Malfoy," Snape commanded.
"Yes sir," Draco replied, a look of pleasurable malice on his face.
"You are not to interfere, Malfoy. Understood?"
Malfoy's face fell, but he nodded and scampered away. Snape sighed and pulled a carrot out of his desk, carrying it to a trunk he kept in the corner of his office.
He pulled up the lid and peered into the depths.
"Potter," he shouted.
A tiny figure stirred in the bottom of the pit the trunk disguised. Snape tossed the carrot down to him.
"You've got a show tomorrow night," he said tersely before locking the trunk again. He shook his head at the pathetic sounds of Harry frantically snogging the carrot. He smoothed his hair with his hands and strode out of his office.
"All my friends had to ask me sump'in they didn't understand: How I get, all the womens in the palm of my hand," he sang, fondling the microphone as Pansy, Susan, and Padma began to sway in time to the music behind him.
I told 'em treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady an' she'll give in to you. Oh, you can see, you know what I mean."
Snape stepped back and wrenched off his sparkly tail coat, swinging it over his head as he sang, swinging his hips to the beat. His backup singers suddenly looked flustered and began swaying out of time, staring at the man before them.
"I know you heard that the woman Soon take advantage-a you. Let me tell you, my friend, there just ain't no substitute!"
Snape let the jacket fling out of his hand, and there was a small scuffle between the backup singers. Pansy Parkinson punched Padma Patil in the nose as they each struggled to be the one to retrieve that silver sequined jacket, but Susan Bones give them each a few good swift kicks and leapt over them.
"You oughta treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady," Snape sang, his voice melting through the room, spurring the girls on to greater madness.
Padma had grabbed Susan Bones's ankles and she went crashing to the floor. Pansy Parkinson shoved Padma Patil's head down and finally seized the jacket in triumph. Padma and Susan had drawn their wands when they realized it was time for their backup parts. They scurried back behind Snape, Pansy hugging the jacket tightly.
"Treat her like, you gotta, gotta treat her like," they trilled, bobbing their hips in time.
"She'll give in to you, whoa, you can see, you know what I mean."
Ron stared at the show in awe, his jaw slack. Suddenly he whipped out a piece of parchment and began to furiously scribble down notes. "Treat her like...got to gotta treat her like..." he muttered, writing.
"Oh, you've got to love her," Snape sang.
"Love her!" the trio chirped.
"And tease her!"
"Tease her!"
"But most of all you've got to please her," Snape sang, leaning back to stroke Padma under the chin. She seemed ready to faint ecstatically. Susan tried to nab Snape's jacket from Pansy.
"Yeah," the girls sang.
"Love her...tease her..." Ron looked up. "What was that last bit?"
"You've got to hold her!"
"Hold her!"
"And want her."
"Want her!" came the reply.
"And make her feel you'll always need her."
"Yeah, yeah, yeah!" the girls poured their hearts into the chorus, simpering eyes upon Snape.
Ron was now looking flustered. "Ok, hold her, want her...make her feel you'll always need her..."
"You know a woman, is sentimental and so easy to upset," Snape warned in song.
Ron looked, worried, at the trio of girls for confirmation of this new upsetting fact.
"Yea-eah-eah!" they replied enthusiastically. Ron looked faintly ill.
"So make her feel, that she's for real and she'll give you happiness. Whoa oh oh, strange as it seem, you know you can't treat a woman mean," Snape sang, wagging his finger at Ron.
"So my friends—" Snape intoned.
"Treat her like!" the girls chorused.
"There you have it--"
"Treat her like!"
"Said it's the easy way--"
"Treat her like!"
"Simple way. If ya fail--"
"Treat her like!"
"To do this--"
Ron looked up, scared.
"Don't blame her--"
"Treat her like!"
"If she look my way," Snape crooned.
Ron let out a laugh of relief. Who would prefer Snape to himself? The enthralled looks on the girls' faces as they stared at Snape's back made him think differently...
"'Cause I'm gonna treat her like a lady. So eventually, I'm gonna treat her like a lady."
Ron swallowed and mumbled as he wrote, "Don't...let...Snape...get...her..."
"Got to, got to treat her like!" the girls jingled.
"She'll give in to me, oh you can see, you know what I mean."
Ron looked up furiously at Snape, trembling, his hands balled up into fists.
"Yeah you've got to treat her like a lady, do the best you can do. You gotta treat her like a lady."
"Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like!" came the girls chorus...again.
"And she'll give in to you," Snape finished, flinging his top hat into the corner. Ron looked slightly soothed.
"Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like! Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like! Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like!" the girls chanted as they squabbled over the hat in the corner. Snape watched them with mild interest before herding them back into their closets. He turned back to Ron, who was now covered in ink spots, furiously reviewing his notes. Snape raised an eyebrow.
"Got enough notes, Weasley?" he asked sarcastically.
"I think so," Ron said, oblivious to his professor's tone. "I have 'Treat her like, got to, got to treat her like...treat her like, got to--"
"Yes yes, well done. Now go find her, and treat her like a lady. That's the sure way to win over any woman."
"Yessir," Ron said, looking excitedly. He hurried from Snape's presence.
Snape paused, looking after Ron. He snapped his fingers, and Draco Malfoy appeared at his side.
"Watch him and see what he does to botch it up, Malfoy," Snape commanded.
"Yes sir," Draco replied, a look of pleasurable malice on his face.
"You are not to interfere, Malfoy. Understood?"
Malfoy's face fell, but he nodded and scampered away. Snape sighed and pulled a carrot out of his desk, carrying it to a trunk he kept in the corner of his office.
He pulled up the lid and peered into the depths.
"Potter," he shouted.
A tiny figure stirred in the bottom of the pit the trunk disguised. Snape tossed the carrot down to him.
"You've got a show tomorrow night," he said tersely before locking the trunk again. He shook his head at the pathetic sounds of Harry frantically snogging the carrot. He smoothed his hair with his hands and strode out of his office.