Shinigami Chapter 5: Lost Hope
Heero stared in disbelief at the beautiful face of his lover. He felt an icy chill shoot up his spine and he shuddered. Shinigami tilted his head curiously and his eyes sparkled.
Heero swallowed hard. This wasn't his Duo, his Duo had been there, defending him when Shinigami had taken him. An image of a cloaked Shinigami smiling ever so gently at him came to mind.
A sudden dread washed over him and he felt scared - for the first time in his life (and afterlife) Heero Yuy was scared. All other thoughts were pushed from his mind and one goal replaced them all:
'I have to get out of here.'
This thought tumbled around Heero's mind and his breath caught in his throat. 'Jemima closed the door!' he thought. 'It's so big! She could barely get it open enough for me and she's used to these doors! How will I get it open quickly enough to escape?'
Shinigami patiently waited for Heero to do something - move, speak... attempt escape. He tapped the riding crop against the toe of his boot as he watched the panicked boy in front of him.
But then another thought made itself known in Heero's mind, 'This is his castle; he'll probably already be in my room by the time I get there. There is no escaping him.'
Shinigami immediately noticed the look of defeat come across Heero's face. Heero relaxed in the same defeated gesture. His gaze slowly dropped to the floor. He hunched his shoulders and closed his eyes tight. He clenched his teeth and thought:
'I wish Duo was here...'
He lifted his eyes back up to Shinigami. His smirk gone, he actually looked concerned. He seemed to realize what Heero's thoughts were and his expression turned cold. He blinked in surprise as Heero's eyes - lifeless and defeated, suddenly flared to life. He sat up straight as Heero glared venemously at him.
Heero then whirled around and raced for the door. Shinigami sprang up from his throne and watched as Heero sprinted into the next room after heaving the door open. Jemima opened an eye from her comfortable kitty position - all curled up on the chair, and watched Heero as he flew past and burst into the kitchen and out of sight. She sighed and shook her head in pity. And curling into a tighter ball, she fell asleep again.
Heero raced through the halls he thought he'd come through before in hope of getting back to his room whether Shinigami was there waiting for him or not. He wondered what he'd do if Shinigami was there. Should he get out and keep going until he found a way out of the castle? But then he'd be in Hell. He'd gotten this far, so he figured he'd just stay in his room. Staying with Shinigami just had to be better than Hell.
He slowed to a walk and turned into the last familiar hallway to his room. He got to his door and shoved it open. Once inside he looked around for Shinigami. 'Not here...' he thought. He turned to close the door and jumped back when he almost crashed into said god.
He backed up a few more steps and stopped as Shinigami closed the door behind him. In his arms slept a very small black cat. His open poet's shirt concealed more of his chest when he was standing up. He smiled that gentle smile at Heero who narrowed his eyes coldly. Shinigami stroked the cat absentmindedly and sighed.
"Why am I not surprised to see you here?" Heero asked sarcastically.
"Why do you bother running away? This is my castle, you know," Shinigami replied, taking a slow step into the room.
Heero nodded. "Yes, but I really don't have anything to lose by trying."
Shinigami smiled. "I like the way you think, Heero," he said.
While Shinigami came into the room and made himself comfortable on the bed, Heero was trying to sort out his mixed emotions. Shinigami made him feel very welcome here and he looked like a Duo clone, so Heero was attracted to his beauty. The open poet's shirt didn't help.
But on the other hand, Heero loathed Shinigami for taking him from Duo. Shinigami wasn't really a bad person/god, but Heero didn't know what to think of him.
Heero's attention was suddenly drawn to the cat in Shinigami's arms as it opened large, gold eyes. He tilted his head and stared hard at the tiny feline. Shinigami nodded as though answering a question. "Yes, this is Jemima - in her feline form," he said. "She recognizes you from when she met you before but she doesn't know she met you. When she goes to sleep, she turns into a cat but remembers nothing of being so when she awakens and goes back to normal."
Jemima meowed and jumped out of Shinigami's arms. Ears pricked and eyes wide, she trotted over to Heero and began purring loudly. She jumped into his lap and rubbed against his arms, wanting to be petted. Heero lightly began scratching her ears and she settled down.
Shinigami smiled. "She knows she recognizes you and that you are her friend, and now she knows why," he said softly. "You seem to like animals, Heero. What's your favorite?" He crossed his legs and rested his chin on his palm. His eyes never left Heero's.
Heero studied him for a moment then shrugged. "I don't know... Panthers, I guess. I like all big cats," he answered quietly as he listened to Jemima's rhythmic purring.
Shinigami nodded. "Yes, I like the big felines too, I also love horses." He tilted his head slightly to move his bangs to one side. "Do you sing, Heero?"
Heero's breath caught in his throat as memories of Duo singing to him late at night flashed into his mind. He looked down at Jemima. "I know some songs but I don't sing them," he replied. He felt tears stinging his eyes. 'I miss Duo...' he thought.
"Have you ever tried?" Shinigami asked him.
Heero shook his head. "I don't sing at all."
Shinigami tsked. "That's a pity, I imagine that you would have a beautiful singing voice." He fiddled with the small buttons on his shirt absentmindedly.
Heero swallowed hard. Nope. That poet's shirt definitely wasn't helping.
"Do you like flowers, Heero?" Shinigami inquired.
Heero's heart pounded. Shinigami seemed to know right where it hurt. An image of the three roses Duo had given him came to mind. 'I really wish he'd stop trying to make small talk and leave,' Heero thought. He nodded. "Yes, I like some kinds."
Shinigami arched an eyebrow. "Like this one?" He pointed to the bedside table where a large purple rose suddenly appeared in a tall, clear vase. Heero stood up, nearly dumping Jemima onto the floor. She mewed in protest and scampered away to leap into Shinigami's lap.
Heero examined the rose as he approached it. This was an exact replica of the rose Duo had given him on earth.
A confused expression came across Shinigami's face as he heard a small, puppy-like whine come from Heero. Heero held his head in his hands and his teeth were clenched as he stood before the rose. His knees buckled and he collapsed to the floor. An angered cry escaped from his throat as he leaned forward and put his head on his knees.
Meanwhile, Shinigami hadn't moved and sat watching Heero with a solemn expresson.
Heero pushed himself up to a sitting position with his legs folded under him. He turned to one side and extended his legs, pushing himself so his back was against the bed. He sighed and turned his head to look at Shinigami again. "Why do you do this?" he asked quietly.
Shinigami's eyebrows lifted slightly. "Why do I do what?" he inquired in a tone that indicated he didn't really expect an answer. His fingers lightly brushed along Jemima's back as he watched Heero. One corner of his mouth turned up into a smirk. "Am I not making you comfortable here?" he asked. His eyes danced.
Heero stared helplessly into those dancing, amethyst eyes. "Why am I here, Shinigami? Of what value am I to you?"
Shinigami stood up, holding Jemima in his arms. "More than you know." He grinned and came to kneel next to Heero. Heero glared at him.
"I'm not stupid, Shinigami," Heero stated. "I admit that I don't know exactly what you're planning to do with me, but I can take a hint." He managed to keep down a shudder of disgust. 'Wow, I think I've managed to attract just about everything except the living - not counting Relena,' Heero thought bitterly.
Shinigami smirked. "I know you're not stupid, but I never assumed you were. I knew you could figure it out all by yourself, which is why I never lifted a finger to help you." He brushed Heero's cheek lightly with the back of his finger.
Heero flinched and drew back, away from Shinigami. 'I can't do anything,' Heero realized on seeing the grin on Shinigami's face grow wider. 'He's a god, there's nothing I can do to make him stop.' Once again, the look of defeat crossed Heero's features.
Shinigami's grin never faltered as he studied Heero's face. "You see, I knew you were smart," he said quietly and stood up. "I'll come back later." He called to Jemima who had gone to lay on the bed after Shinigami had gotten up, and left with her.
Heero sighed and held his head in his hands. He refused to look back up at that rose which stood on his bedside table. And he soon fell asleep, sitting against his bed.
xxx
Heero woke to the sound of his heavy bedroom door creaking as it was heaved open. He snapped his head up to find Jemima standing in the doorway. She smiled warmly at him and closed the door behind her.
"Hi, Heero," she said gently. "Are you alright?"
Heero got up and sat on the bed. He sighed. "A god is hitting on me and there's absolutely nothing I can do about it, said god likes to torture me, and there is no way for me to ever get out of here or see Duo again. Life's just peachy," he retorted.
Jemima scoffed. "That's not true!" she said. "Life isn't that bad, afterlife is."
Heero chuckled and shook his head.
"Yeah, I know - that was bad," she said, flapping a hand.
Heero arched an eyebrow and nodded. "Yes it was, but thanks for trying."
Jemima clapped Heero on the shoulder and grinned broadly. Her hand dropped off and her smile faded. Her expression made it look like she was going to cry. Heero tilted his head in confusion. Jemima sat down on the bed next to Heero and sighed. "Heero," she said seriously. "I think you should know that Shinigami-sama is not a bad guy. He's always so lonely. I told him so once and I think that was when he began to look for - well, a lover." She paused. "And then he found you. I was so glad for him until I found out that he had to take you from Duo. But mind you, he had no idea that he and Duo shared the same physical body. But he figured that since Duo loved you, that was why he was attracted to you. It seemed like he and Duo were alike in more than one way." She sighed. "I think he'd hoped that if you could love Duo Maxwell, that you could love him as well." She half-smiled at him. "It seems he was wrong. But he wanted so much to be happy and be loved that he was willing to take you from your one true love." Sudden tears sprang to her eyes and streamed down her black, fuzzy cheeks. "And somehow, I think that the sayings about everyone having their own true love is wrong. I don't think Shinigami-sama was meant to have anyone. He's never known love, and he wasn't meant to." Her tears flowed freely now and the front of her shirt was getting wet.
Heero put an arm around her shoulders in a comforting gesture and she burst into sobs against his shirt. Heero rubbed her back soothingly and thought about earlier. Shinigami had touched his cheek and he'd flinched and shied away. 'Maybe he really does believe that we should be together,' he thought. 'He doesn't understand what it's like to be torn away from his lover. He's never had the chance.' Heero felt sorry for this lonely death god, but at the same time, he thought that he deserved to be alone. 'But he hasn't really done anything unforgivable without a good reason.'
Jemima's tears had quieted and she sat up. She looked up into Heero's sad sapphire eyes. "You can't let Duo go, can you?" she asked, her musical voice breaking.
Heero didn't reply. He supposed he could, but it would take another lifetime to get over him and get used to Shinigami. But he could never completely get over Duo or truly love Shinigami. "He'll never let me go, will he?" he asked instead.
Jemima closed her eyes and shook her head. "I'm afraid not."
Heero sighed. "I didn't think so."
At that moment, Shinigami opened the door and stepped inside. Jemima hurriedly stood and curtsied before rushing out the door. She pulled it shut behind her.
Shinigami crossed his arms across his chest and watched Heero, who avoided meeting his eyes. "So Heero," he said in a light tone. "Feeling better?" He strode to the bed and leaned against one of the canopy poles.
Heero hesitated before answering quietly, "Yes."
Shinigami smiled and moved in front of Heero. Heero still would not meet Shinigami's eyes.
In one swift movement, Shinigami was kneeling over Heero and had caught his lips in a passionate kiss.
Right then, Heero lost all hope of escaping or being rescued and closing his eyes, he kissed Shinigami back.