Warnings: Yaoi.
Shinigami Chapter 9: Acceptance
Heero stumbled backward when Duo began to approach him. Duo watched with that same wicked grin as before while he moved to stand in front of the door. Heero panicked more when he did that. He looked around quickly and in that split second that Heero's attention was elsewhere, Duo blurred and appeared right in front of Heero, his nose about five inches from Heero's. Heero gasped and stumbled backwards again. He was right where Duo wanted him... He was backing up towards the bed... His grin widened as Heero backed up into the bed and he quickly looked down to see what he had bumped into.
Taking advantage of the moment when Heero's attention wasn't on him again, he leaned forward and forced him onto his back on the bed. He grinned as he kneeled over him. Heero watched him with wide eyes. He suddenly jerked up his hands and pushed against Duo's chest, trying to get him off. Duo barely moved. He took one of Heero's wrists and held it tightly.
"Duo! Get off of me!" Heero demanded in a low voice. He suddenly realized that Duo had been trying to warn him of this, but he hadn't listened. He watched the smile on Duo's face melt away to reveal a soft, loving look. Heero relaxed under his gaze and Duo felt that. He lowered himself onto Heero and kissed him passionately. Heero clenched his fists, one hand gripping a handful of Duo's shirt.
Duo loosened his grip on Heero's wrist and broke off from their kiss. He gazed down at his Heero. The one who had been so suddenly stolen from him. The one he loved more than anything. He watched Heero's eyes closely, looking for any change in their neon green glow signaling the spell faltering somehow.
He raised his hand to Heero's face and lightly pressed the back of his fingers to his cheek. Heero stared at him with an almost pleading expression.
'Pleading to be let go...' Duo thought. His current character began to melt back down into the real Duo. Heero watched in confusion as Duo frowned sadly and the silver in his eyes slowly retreated, leaving behind his normal amethyst color. Duo pushed himself up off of Heero and backed up from the bed. Heero sat up and bounced off of the bed as well and stood there, watching Duo as he backed up farther away.
He stopped and turned to the door. Giving Heero a mournful look, he fled from the room. He raced down the hallways, tears blurring his vision. He slowed down when he'd gotten to the main hallway in fear of running into something. He blinked, forcing the tears out of his eyes and sent them streaming down his cheeks. He looked around and continued running through another door. And another. And another.
He ran on and on through random doors, taking him further into the castle. He finally stopped after running for about 20 minutes straight. He was inside a library. He saw a curtain and went to look outside.
Black nothingness stared back at him. He dropped the curtain and looked around. Above him was a second level so as to reach more books. The platform attached all along the walls was about five feet wide from what he could see in the dark. He saw a zigzagging staircase leading to the platform and approached it.
He looked behind him and started up the stairs. When he reached the second level, he walked around the entire room and came back to where he started. He then went to a corner and sat down. He hugged his knees tightly to his chest and buried his face in his arms. He sniffed quietly and looked back up with teary eyes. He glanced around the room slowly before he released his legs and curled up into a small, cat-like ball, covering his face with his forearm. And he eventually fell asleep there.
Meanwhile, Heero raced out of Duo's room and ran silently down the hall towards his and Shinigami's room. He stopped briefly outside the door and listened. Hearing nothing, he swiftly stepped into the room and closed the door behind him. Letting out a barely audible sigh, he crossed the room and climbed back into bed and curled up close to Shinigami.
The Death God was roused by the boy's movement and he looked down to where he was balled up right against his own body. Heero's eyes were closed, but it was rather obvious that he was awake. Shinigami put his arms around Heero in a comforting gesture and waited until Heero's breathing was slow and even and his body relaxed before returning to sleep.
xxx
For two days straight, Duo could not be found. Shinigami obviously knew where he was, but he wasn't about to tell anyone that. Jemima could tell that her lord knew where the missing guest was from the calm look on his face. No one else seemed to notice this.
Heero hadn't said much in the past two days and when he did speak, it was barely above a mutter. He wouldn't meet anyone's eyes for very long and whenever someone mentioned Duo or his disappearance, he would tense up and get fidgety.
One time, the morning after Duo had come after Heero, Shinigami had randomly embraced him from behind. Heero smiled a bit at his public show of affection since Quatre and Trowa were also in the room. Quatre looked about and asked, "Has anyone seen Duo?"
Heero's small smile had vanished and he'd flinched at this. Shinigami felt his shoulders tense up and Heero started shifting from foot to foot. Shinigami moved to one side of him and stood there with one arm around his tense shoulders. He watched Heero's eyes closely and noted the fear in them.
After that, Heero eventually calmed down and allowed himself to relax a bit. Well, until the next time a certain braided boy was mentioned.
On the third night, after everyone had fallen asleep, Heero got up again. He had started to feel bad for Duo. He obviously had fallen for Heero and Heero didn't love him back.
He went in the direction that Duo had taken off in that night and tiptoed carefully down the hallways. He peeked into rooms and softly called Duo's name. After about an hour of searching down random hallways, he finally came to the library. He hadn't even thought Duo would be there.
He peeked inside the huge, dark room.
Duo had something of a 6th sense when it came to Heero. He was like a "Heero detector" - He could feel it when he was nearby and looking for him. He opened his eyes and stared past the platform and into the dark room, following the glowing green eyes looking around for him. He heard his name come from Heero's mouth in a soft whisper.
'What, does he think his almighty Death God lover will hear him all the way out here?' Duo thought bitterly and closed his eyes again, thinking that Heero would not find him after just looking on the ground level and leave. He listened to Heero continuing to call out softly to him and curled into a tighter ball. He hadn't moved since three nights ago. Not one bit.
When Heero began to climb the stairs to the platform he was on, Duo opened his eyes and scowled. Heero came into view and he immediately saw the agonizing boy curled up in the corner. "Duo..." he said gently, coming to stand about six feet away from him.
Duo turned his vehement eyes to Heero. "What are you doing here?" he growled.
Heero sighed. "You don't need to get angry..." he said defensively. "I just wondered where you were."
"Hasn't that gotten you into a bit of trouble in the past?" Duo half jeered half warned. "Can't you just get over your little guilt fit and not care about me like everyone else?"
Heero's eyes narrowed. "I don't feel guilty. It wasn't my fault and I know it."
Duo quirked an eyebrow slightly. "Oh really? Did I not warn you to leave? Was it not you who insisted on staying just to see what would happen? You had to be the rebel and find out what I would do to you even after I told you it would be bad."
Heero blinked. This was all true. He suddenly did feel truly guilty and he turned his eyes to the towering book shelves beside him.
"Mm... Now you see... Now you have a reason to feel guilty," Duo said with a bitter chuckle. "But really - forget about it and stop caring about what happens to others besides Shinigami and just allow your life to revolve completely around that bastard."
Heero's head snapped up and his lip curled in disgust at the comment. "I thought you were his friend."
"He lied... He's a bastard and I hate him. He stole you away from me when we were on Earth. And since he is a god - I couldn't exactly stop him." Heero stared at him in disbelief, but before he could say anything, Duo stood up and plunged on, "He took you because he's a greedy, dastardly god and he erased your memories! He must have replaced them with false ones because you seem to believe that you've been here practically your whole "life"!" Duo made quotation marks with his fingers when he said 'life'. "And you know what - You're dead! In case you didn't realize that. He's not calling himself 'The Death God' for his health!" Duo cried, his voice echoing in the huge room. "You were with me on Earth and we were both dead, we were ghosts and we stayed in my old house where I died! You met me when you moved into my house after I died. We were the best of friends! We slept in the same bed even before we-" He cut himself off. Heero wouldn't believe him if he continued, so there really wasn't much point.
Heero watched Duo shaking in fury and said, "Before we what?"
Duo narrowed his eyes at him. "Why should you care? You don't believe me - I know it. After that bastard replaced your memories, I knew there wouldn't be any way to get you back. Quatre warned me about this, he told me not to attempt to get you to remember because it was futile and you wouldn't remember me or our lives on Earth no matter what. Shinigami obviously wasn't going to freely give you back your memories."
Heero took a step forward. Duo leaped backwards, bumped into the bookshelf and moved sideways instead, farther down the platform. Heero sighed and didn't move any further. "I want to know what you were going to say... Before we what?"
Duo glared daggers at him. "Didn't asking questions get you into trouble last time?" he hissed.
"If you'd just answer me, I'd stop!" Heero shot back.
"You always ask the questions that I know you don't want to hear the answer to. Besides, you're eventually going to stop caring about me completely - like you should have from the time you met me after Shinigami erased your memories," Duo said, lowering his voice. "There's really no point in telling you."
"Other than the fact that I want to know. You can't just start telling me something and stop," Heero persisted.
Duo chuckled again and shook his head. "You always hated that..." he whispered, more to himself than Heero. He looked back up, the hatred in his eyes relented considerably. "Ok, Heero... If you really want to know, I'll tell you. But then you can go see Shinigami and have him erase your memories again so you don't even know I exist... again." He sighed. "I was going to say, that we slept in the same bed before we even found out that we loved each other." He kept his gaze on Heero steady as the boy blinked several times. "Now go ahead and run to Shinigami... I'm sure he'll happily erase those memories you have now..."
Heero shook his head in almost disbelief. "Why would I want to forget you?"
Duo stared at him like he was purple. "You're kidding me, right? Why would you want to remember all of this?"
Heero shrugged. "I don't know... I don't want my memories erased at all. I want to remember everything I experience. Good and bad and everything inbetween."
Duo put one hand on his hip and rubbed his eyes with the other. "I swear, Heero, I will never understand you."
"What's to understand? I'm accepting what happens to me, whether good or bad. Everything that happens to me is pretty much my own choice, so if it is a bad choice, I can remember and learn from it. If it is a good choice, I can remember back to a happy memory." Heero crossed his arms loosely. "I want to remember my experiences with you so I can either learn from them or just to reminisce."
Duo nearly burst into tears when the green in Heero's eyes flickered for a few seconds and came back, significantly dimmer than before. He choked and stumbled backwards, into the bookshelves again.
Heero tilted his head curiously. "What's the matter, Duo?"
Duo shook his head quickly and swallowed the lump in his throat. He forced back tears as he watched Heero's eyes for more change in the color. "Nothing, Heero... I just..." He'd told Heero everything else... Why not tell him about his eye color in the dark? "When Shinigami erased your memories, you were also put under a spell, apparently. Your eyes are what tells us that you're still under his control." He stared into his eyes, almost hypnotized by them as he had when he'd first seen them. "In the dark they're a really eerie green, glowy color. Like a cat's. And if you don't know what a cat is since you think you've lived here all your life, Jemima is a real cat sometimes..."
Heero rolled his eyes. "I know what a cat is! I'm not stupid!"
"I never said you were, but since you think you've lived here all your life and you've had all your memories erased, I didn't think you'd remember what a cat was. But since Jemima is a cat..." He drifted off and sighed heavily. "Oh, nevermind."
Heero's expression softened and he sighed too. "Continue."
"Anyway - Your eyes turned green like that, but you can't see it when you look into a mirror in the dark, but it goes away when you're in the light." Duo paused. "See what I mean?"
Heero shifted his feet. "So you're saying that right now, at this very moment, my eyes are glowing green?"
Duo nodded. "That would be correct. And the reason I did that thing just now was because the green in your eyes flickered and dimmed. I don't know if that means you're breaking out of Shinigami's spell and getting your memories back or something else."
"What else could it be?" Heero asked.
Duo shrugged. "I dunno... Maybe the green just wears off after a while and you really are permanently under his spell." He had to keep himself from shuddering at the very thought of that.
Heero looked down. "I hope not..." he muttered under his breath.
After a moment of silence, Duo asked, "Do you believe me? It's kind of hard to believe something you can't see or remember... But I swear it's the truth."
Heero closed his eyes and sighed, his head still bowed. "I don't know... I guess I kind of do. But yes, it is hard to believe something I can't see or remember."
The silence between them grew as Heero thought over what he had just been told and Duo hoped and prayed that Heero would get his memory back sooner or later, preferably sooner. Heero kept his head bowed and he racked his brain for any trace of a memory with Duo other than that of the past week or so.
After what seemed like hours, Heero's head snapped up to look at the braided boy. "Duo!" he cried.
The said boy looked up and a small squeak escaped his throat...