~I'm done with school for the year! Go me! Anyway, here's the next chapter. Please, please, review and tell me what you think. Thanks a million and one. Oh, and how great was Friends on Thursday? Just to make my life a little better. But that means only two new ones left. I'm going to cry at the last one. I seriously will. So review and make me feel better~

Disclaimer: Not mine. Well, just Grace is mine.


It felt strange, knocking on her own door, but Monica reminded herself again that it wasn't her door anymore. It was Chandler's. Chandler lived there. And just Chandler. A second later the door swung open and her thoughts were interrupted.

"Daddy! You missed a great lunch," Gracie said grinning as she threw her arms around Chandler's neck as he picked her up.

"Is that so?" He asked grinning back at her. Monica stood by quietly. "How was lunch Mon? I gather it was good." She gave a small laugh.

"It was good. They say hello, and to tell you that they miss you." I miss you too, she thought, but shook it out of her head. Her phone began ringing if on cue, and she looked down to see the name flash. James. She had almost forgotten about James. "I have to take this." He nodded and carried Gracie into the kitchen leaving Monica in the front hall by herself.

"Hello?"

"Hi darling, how's New York?"

"Oh it's good."

"Is Grace enjoying the time with her father?" Monica peered into the kitchen where Grace and Chandler were giggling as they pulled out ingredients, having decided to make cookies.

"Very much so."

"And how are you? Are you holding up all right?" It was terrible. She was still in love with Chandler, but there was James. A good guy, an-honest-to-God good guy. And while she would never have with James what she had with Chandler, she was still in love with him. It wasn't his fault that he wasn't Chandler. He couldn't be penalized for that, right?

"I'm fine. How's everything there?"

"Oh it's okay, I miss you two terribly." Monica had to smile.

"We miss you too."

"Okay, Love, I have to run. I'll talk to you later tonight okay?"

"Okay. Love you."

"Love you more, bye." She hung up the phone and went into the kitchen with Chandler and Grace.

"James?" Chandler asked looking at Monica. She nodded.

"Aww, I wanted to tell him about New York," Gracie said frowning. This caused Chandler to frown momentarily, but he remembered to be happy for Monica, and to be happy that James was nice to Grace. Maybe too nice, but at least he wasn't cruel to her. Monica Kent. He hated it. The fact that it sounded good together was something he hated even more.

"You'll talk to him later sweetheart," Monica said giving Grace a kiss on the top of the head. "I guess I should go, leave you two to your cookie making."

"You don't have to," Chandler said quickly, maybe a little too quickly.

"No, it's okay, I have to go meet with some possible investors for dinner, and I want some time to relax."

"Please stay Mommy," Gracie begged. Chandler met Monica's eye and she smiled at her daughter.

"I guess for a little while," she said shrugging.

"Investors?" Chandler asked as he handed an apron to Monica.

"Yeah, we're thinking about opening a restaurant over here," she said. That had been the initial reason for the trip. That, and of course, for Grace to see Chandler, and as much as Monica hated to admit it, for her to see Chandler too.

"Really?" He tried to not get excited. If she opened a restaurant in New York, she could base herself out of New York and her and Grace would move back. But then of course, there was James. She would probably want to stay in London to be with James. Just another reason to hate him.

"Yes, James thinks that it would be the right time to try it," she shrugged. He nodded and concentrated on pouring the chips into a measuring cup for Grace to pour into the bowl. They finished the cookies practically in silence, with only mild outbursts from Gracie. Once the cookies were in the oven, Gracie fell asleep on Chandler's lap as the three of them watched a movie in the living room waiting for them to be done.

"Monica?"

"Hmm?"

"I've been meaning to ask you this for years," he said clearing his throat. "Why'd you leave?"

"You know why I left."

"Actually I don't."

"Chandler, please don't do this."

"I just want to know why." Monica sighed and thought back on what had made her leave.

3 years ago:

Chandler could hear sobbing from behind the closed door. Monica. She was crying again. He looked from their closed door to the closed door of the nursery. She had asked him to close it. She didn't want to see it. He didn't blame her, he hadn't been able to open it since that night they had come home from the hospital and he had collapsed on the floor of the room crying. Phoebe and Joey had offered to come over and clean it out, but Chandler had told them no. He didn't want to touch it. Not just yet.

He opened the bedroom door a crack and peeked in at Monica. She was curled up in a ball looking simply broken-hearted. God, he hated that she was crying. No one's fault, the doctor had said. Sometimes this kind of stuff happens. There wouldn't be any problems trying to get pregnant again. But Monica wouldn't hear of it. She was pulling away from him, both of them could feel it. There was a gap there, and little by little it was getting larger.

There had been no need to tell their friends, they had been there. Ross and Rachel had gotten Gracie for them, and of course they had told the other two, but Monica had yet to tell her parents.

"I should do it in person," she said.

"Are you sure?" He wasn't sure if she was strong enough for that. She had barely left the house in the week since it had happened.

"Yes I'm sure."

Now she wasn't so sure as she stood in front of her parents' house waiting for her mother to answer the door.

"Monica?"

"Mom?" She began to sob again. Fat tears that rolled down her cheeks.

"Monica, come in, what's the matter? Is it Chandler? Gracie?" Monica shook her head.

"I lost the baby." Her mother didn't say anything, just opened her arms and allowed Monica to slip in. Monica wept as her mother held her, rocking her back and forth. She led her to the couch and they sat down and talked. They talked about the baby and how Monica didn't know how to deal with it, or what to say to Chandler, and about the fact that when he touched her, she just felt it all over again, the sadness and the pain, and that it wasn't his fault, but she couldn't help it.

"I just....I see him, and I know that he's trying to be strong, and I wish that he didn't have to be strong. I wish that there had been something that I could have done. I feel like I let him down. I can't stand that I might have let him down, and when he puts his arms around me, I just can't help think, I've done this. I've done this to us. And I just shut down. And I know that he's getting frustrated. How could he not be? But I....." She just broke down in sobs again. Her mother just listened and for the first time didn't say anything rude or demeaning, just words of comfort.

Monica began going to her parents' house more often, and brought Gracie along to play. And the gap between Monica and Chandler just kept getting bigger and bigger. Chandler began sleeping on the couch, leaving the bedroom to Monica who was still, after months, crying herself to sleep at night. And she wouldn't let him touch her still, and when he had suggested that they could try for a baby again, she nearly bit his head off.

"It's only been months!" She had screamed at him. "You're ready to just try again after months?"

"It's been nine months, Monica," he said trying to keep his temper in tact. "And I'm not saying now, I'm saying eventually, eventually we could try for another baby." She shook her head and began to sob again. His heart broke, as it always did when she cried.

"So I can lose that one too?" That was it, his heart was officially in a million pieces. For the first time in months, she let him hold her.

"Honey, it wasn't your fault. You know that. It wasn't your fault." And he had stroked her hair trying to calm her down.

It wasn't just her fault, Chandler was trying to deal with his grief in his own way, and that meant burying himself in work. He was hardly ever there for dinner anymore, and the final straw was when he missed Gracie's third birthday, coming home the night of her birthday, forgetting that they had been planning her party for forever.

When he had come home that night, he found Monica placing dishes away. He looked around and saw the streamers and the half eaten cake and the piles of wrapping paper.

"Shit."

"Where were you?"

"I was at dinner with a client," he said. "Shit." She slammed a dish on the table and ignored him. "Mon, I'm so sorry."

"I'm not the one you have to apologize to. It's not my birthday that you missed."

"Where is she?"

"Sleeping." He sighed.

"I'm an idiot." He loosened his tie and shook his head. "I'm such an idiot."

"I want a divorce," she said quietly as she placed the last dish in the sink.

"What?"

"Come on Chandler, we can't keep doing this. We aren't talking, we haven't slept in the same room for about three months, you just keep burying yourself deeper and deeper into your work, it's not working. I just think that it would be better if we just separated for awhile."

"That's separation, Monica, not a divorce."

"Fine, then I used the wrong word."

"And none of this is your fault?"

"I didn't say that."

"You never let me touch you!"

"Please, Gracie is sleeping. She's had a long day. Don't wake her up." He had packed a bag and moved out that night. He stayed with Joey in the city, and only saw Monica when he picked up Gracie, or she dropped her off.

The impossible had happened. They had fallen apart, but worse, they had drifted apart. Monica and Chandler. The perfect couple, the ones that belonged together, were on the verge of divorce.


Present:

"I should go," Monica said sitting up from where she had been leaning back against the couch. "I have to go to dinner."

"With investors," he nodded. "Running away again."

"Chandler, you brought it up. I was content to leave the past in the past."

"You didn't finish the story," he pointed out.

"You know the rest. I get offered the restaurant in London, I took the offer, I took Grace, and we moved."

"Was I that bad? That bad that you had place an entire ocean between us?"

"Between me and the memories, Chandler. Not you. You still don't get it, do you?"

"Get what?"

"I blamed myself...I still do. You working, that was my fault. The baby....that was my fault too. I couldn't....it was guilt that drove me away, not you."

"Guilt? And taking my daughter away from me didn't cause you any guilt?"

"It was the lesser of two evils. The lesser of two guilts."

"Monica. No one blamed you."

"But you should have. It was my fault. I have to go," she stood up, gave Gracie a kiss on the forehead and ran from the house leaving Chandler's head spinning.


Sometimes, it's all I need

someday you won't be so far from me

until that day

you'll be the girl of my dreams

~ Okay, please review. I hoped you all liked it, and there will be more explanation of the job and such. The flashbacks are not over yet. Thanks!~