Ava Cabot

Love Isn't Protection Enough

A Law and Order: SVU fic

Disclaimer: Their mine! Mine! wakes up Oh damn, they aren't mine.

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There was a special place in my heart reserved for her.

Now residing there is an empty hole. Knowing that she was as good as gone in the Witness Protection Program hurts even more. The concocted lie spread around by the FBI that Alex was dead should have made things simpler for me, bringing some sense of closure.

At first, it had been hard to tell if she had really loved me, that it wasn't just a drunken mistake to kiss her in the alley that night, wine still fresh on my breath.

The first time I had let her stay over, I wished for the night to never end. She loved me more than any other person I had ever met. Our platonic friendship wasn't meant to last. Before she was lost to me in government hands, I thought we might have been destined for greater things. But when I saw the unmarked car carrying her drive away for good, all hope seemed lost for me.

Faith in everything I had believed in was gone. My reason for living was trapped in the WPP, labeled as just another unsolvable case, another faceless victim, and another worthless file. I wanted to scream and shake the agents who saw her as that. They needed to know how important she was.

In her arms, I could see stars flash in my eyes, dazzling our embracing figures in pale light. When I needed emotional support from a particular case, I went to her. Elliot was my best friend, but even he had his limits when it came to understanding me.

Months after she left, I tortured myself with small reminders of her.

To fool Velez and everyone else who knew her, a grave was dug, with a staged funeral and an empty coffin. The gravestone bore her name, and everyone was made to believe she was dead. Everyone except Elliot and I. We knew the truth, that she had been whisked away by the government for her own protection. I would have given my life for her to stay.

But who was going to listen to a jaded Special Victims detective?

Knowing that she was alive brought me slight solace. It was the glimmer of hope that I clung on to each lonely night, falling asleep alone, wondering what she was doing at that very moment.

I remember visiting her grave shortly after the funeral, assuming I was alone. There, I cursed everyone from Cesar Velez for being the cause of her departure, to myself for ever daring to love her.

Just when I felt truly desolate, I could feel Elliot's commanding presence behind me. His hand rested gently on my shoulder, shaking me slightly, and telling me I needed to go. Blaming myself wouldn't do any good.

I didn't think he would know where to find me. When I told Cragen I needed the afternoon off, he let me go without a second thought. Maybe he knew, maybe he didn't. I didn't think Elliot would come after me.

That was a mistake. He was my partner, and I was stupid to think he wouldn't be able to read my expressions, and not know where I would spend the rest of my afternoon. He instinctively knew where to find me.

There at the gravesite, he rocked me gently, respectfully silent to my endless tears, which were all shed in vain for Alex's return. If I cried and cried, maybe she would return.

At least, that was my thickheaded, optimistic wish after I felt a dull ache spread through me, hurting more every day without her presence.

Deep within my subconscious, a mean voice inside my head tore apart that desire, constantly spitting out that Alex would never return. Despite my efforts, the person I had come to love was gone, and no amount of wishing would bring her back.

It was a truth I could never completely acknowledge. My one selfish longing in life was clinging to the whim that someday, I would see her weary body trudging from the horizon, coming home to New York, coming home to me. Then, I could once again stare for hours into her sapphire orbs, losing myself in her all-knowing gaze until dawn.

I spent too many nights merely asleep beside her warm frame, instead of hugging her as close as I could have. Now, months after she's disappeared, I can only regret not appreciating her beautiful presence even more.

I remember when they cleaned out her apartment, two months after her "death". I ended up keeping much of her memorabilia, insisting that I would keep it in storage until she returned. In reality, I just needed reminders of her. I couldn't forget her or what we had. Days before they disconnected her phone line, I called the apartment, waiting for the answering machine recording, just to hear her voice for those brief seconds.

Now all I have left are memories of the two of us.

Just to torture myself even more, I bought a bouquet of white roses last night. Now, sitting alone in my empty apartment, I just stare at the illuminated blossoms, trying to make sense of a tragedy that never should have happened. The roses smell like Alex, and as I bury my face in them, watering the stems with my own cold tears.

It's then I realize that there's nothing I can do to change the past. I was foolish enough to believe that my love for her was enough protection. Now I realize that I was wrong, and all the events that have affected my life were inevitable.

Maybe Alex is thinking the same thing, wherever she is. All I hope is that she misses me as much as I miss her.

There's just one question I want to ask her, though.

Why did you have to leave so soon?

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A/N: A/O angst just tears at my heart. Remember, reviews are highly appreciated