You know what I get more emails about than anything else? "Who's the pie thief?" =^_^= I love my work....*huggles the pie thief* Golly, the suspense is just TOO much, isn't it? hehehehehe!

Disclaimer #1: I had three dozen of those damn "Roll Up the Rim to Win" cups from Tim Hortons over the last two months, and not ONE of them said "You win ultimate control over Gundam Wing and all the characters therein." I did, however, win two coffees, a bagel, a couple of donuts, and a cookie. I don't have them anymore *burp* so you can't sue me for them. =P

Disclaimer #2: I was an English major, so when I write, I write wordy. You have been warned. Muahahahahaaaa....
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Episode Four: The Case of the Peckham Pie Thief

"The sublime and the ridiculous are often so nearly related that it is difficult to class them separately. One step above the sublime makes the ridiculous, and one step above the ridiculous makes the sublime again." --Thomas Paine

June 12th, 1901

Catherine rose at half past nine with a mission. Today, she was determined to conquer her culinary demons or perish trying; she made the same promise to herself every morning and it had yet to be fulfilled. But today was going to be the day.

Throwing on her green crepe shawl, she scoured the market for the finest fresh berries available, painstakingly inspecting every bit of fruit in every stall from one end of the street to the other. She returned to her kitchen with a basket full of prime ingredients, rolled up her sleeves, and set to work assembling the finest pie of her cooking career. Coated in shortening, flour and berry juice stains, she popped the pie into the oven and moved on to phase two of her plan.

From her cellar, Catherine collected buckets, ropes, and old, broken ladders and chairs she swore she'd find a use for someday--and what better day to use them! She carted the junk into the alley behind the pub and looked up at the windowsill upon which the fate of her pies rested.

Ignoring the puzzled looks of stray cats passing by, she built a series of obstacles and barriers stretching across the entire width of the alley, a good thirty feet in either direction from the window, and twice her own height up the wall. Within an hour, a large area around the prized windowsill was a tangle of snares even the rats ran away from; buckets were stacked on chairs stacked on cartwheels stacked on rain barrels, and it was all held together by about twelve miles of half-inch rope.

Grinning to herself, she went back inside to check on her creation, into which she had poured more concentration and hard work than she had ever done in her life. When the pie thief came for her today, she would be ready.

**********

"I'm not having any argument about this, Otto, either we go home with a quality cook who can make a suitably good impression on Uncle Treize, or we don't go home at all!" Relena slapped the palm of her hand with a dainty white glove to punctuate her statement. "We simply cannot serve him the kind of food Elsie prepares, we'd be ruined socially!"

Otto struggled to keep up with her as she stormed down the streets in a flurry of ribbons and petticoats. "While I agree with your Ladyship in principle, the fact remains that we've been searching the city for three days, and there is simply no one available for the post who will meet our terms!"

The daily charade was beginning to get silly. Each day since Relena had returned from Bournemouth, she would pack Otto and Heero off with her to scour the restaurants and the cooking schools of London for anyone who might be able to take over the meals of the manor before Treize arrived. Everyone they approached, unfortunately, was either unqualified, unsuitable, or unwilling to leave their present position for the money Relena was offering.

"I just can't accept that there isn't one person suitable in the whole of London. It's impossible!" Lady Peacecraft frowned daggers at the street before her and kept on walking with Otto at her elbow, trying to reason with the hard-headed girl. Heero followed quietly at a respectable distance.

Otto looked over his shoulder at the tagalong, then spoke in Relena's ear. "Perhaps we could cover more ground if we split up." He clearly didn't like being followed by the boy, official business or not.

"Oh, that's an excellent idea!" she cheered. Relena hadn't really had a good reason for bringing him along except that she wanted to spend more time with him. Her eyes lit up and she turned around swiftly. "Yes, well done indeed. Heero, let's--"

"Begging her Ladyship's pardon," Otto said, grasping her arm before she could stray too far. "It would be rather...imprudent to be roaming the streets alone with m'lady's butler, under any circumstances."

Relena looked disappointed; Heero showed no reaction whatsoever. "Very well, if you insist." She started walking back down the road, dejectedly, knowing that Otto was quite correct; it wouldn't look at all proper.

Otto clasped his hands behind his back resolutely and turned to Heero. "Still, never mind, there's no reaon why you can't go off on your own." He didn't even need the false smile he wore, because Heero picked up on the hint easily. They exchanged angry, territorial looks, and parted ways. Otto steered his young charge down a more respectable boulevard, and Heero disappeared in the opposite direction, almost grateful to be off his leash.

As he walked through the midday mob, Heero actually allowed his mind to go blank, a rare luxury, and he avoided obstacles like horsecarts and children playing in the street as if on autopilot. The simple bliss of not thinking would be a little more scarce after today; Relena's new farmhand was arriving from Hampshire that afternoon, and if she found a cook, that would be two more staff members to supervise. He made full non-use of his spare time while he still could by letting his eyes glaze over, ears clouded with the drone of the marketplace, until he looked up and found himself in front of a familiar door.

Shaking his mind out of the sea of white noise, he read the name on the door with mild surprise at how far he had walked. He had wandered straight to the Muddy Nag. Holding back a smirk at how he naturally gravitated towards the familiar, he left the front step just as a pair of grubby workers from the market shoved past him on their way for an early pint. It was then that Heero heard the crash.

A horrible, clattering, smashing sound began in the alley beside the pub, and it grew quickly. He heard Catherine scream and ran to the corner of the building. Just as he reached the alley, something strong, lanky, and carrying a pie slammed into him. Before he could think, Heero was flung forcibly into a brick wall with the wind knocked out of him.

He was faintly aware of shouting in the street, and the sound of rapidly fading footsteps belonging to his assailant, but he couldn't command his body to move. Doubled over and coughing, he pulled his head up to look down the alley. It was a tangled mess of crates, tables, ladders and rope; Catherine was leaning out the window, still hurling curses and insults at full strength.

"Catch him, Heero! That's him! That's the pie thief! Get him!"

Heero dragged himself to his feet, brow heavy with the wrath of a thousand hells, and took off after the bandit. He'd get him, alright, but not for swiping one lousy pie, or even a hundred pies. Nobody shoved Heero Yuy into a brick wall and lived to tell the tale.

The bandit had a good head start, but he left a trail of alarmed pedestrians throughout the marketplace as he darted in between stalls and under carts. All Heero had to do was follow the line of stunned faces and he began closing in on the thief. Inching closer to his target as they sprinted through the crowded streets, he could see him more clearly--about his height, wearing a shabby brown suit and a tweed cap. There seemed to be something sticking out of his collar at the back.

People literally jumped aside when the thief came tearing past, and Heero was close enough now to hear the boy shouting things as he ran. "One side! 'Scuse me! Comin' through! Love that hat!" As he rounded a corner, he caught a glimpse of the richly-dressed dark-haired boy following him, and poured on even more speed, careening down one of the back streets.

Heero matched his speed, but if the boy proved himself to be any quicker, he doubted he'd be able to catch up with him. When the thief started knocking over barrels and crates in path, it was all he could do to leap over the obstacles like a high hurdler and still keep up the frenzied pace. How is he doing all this at such a speed without dropping the pie? A stupid thought, but Heero couldn't help himself.

As the bandit ran down a darkened, high-walled alley, it looked like he was running out of steam at last. Up ahead, there was suddenly a six-foot wooden fence blocking the alley. Hah! Got you! No sooner had the words echoed inside his head than the pie thief accelerated towards the fence, leapt halfway up, grabbed the top edge with one hand and flung himself over it, all without dropping the pie.

Heero nearly tripped over his own jaw. ...the hell? How does he... Fighting a state of total shock, he clambered up the fence and jumped over it as well; it took Heero both hands. The thief heard the soles of his hunter's shoes hitting the ground behind him and looked back in a shock of his own.

Up ahead was a second fence, similar to the first, but the bandit had used up too much energy protecting his treasure, and he was definitely slowing down. Heero got another look at the back of the boy's collar; something seemed to be wriggling out of it as he ran. A hundred yards to go, and with every step, the object tucked down inside the thief's jacket inched further out of it, until it finally jumped free and flew out behind him.

Heero squinted in disbelief, suddenly unsure of exactly what he was chasing. The bandit possessed long, chocolate brown hair woven into a three-foot braid. As it twisted and danced in the breeze, it caught little streams of sunlight and glowed with bright golden highlights, seemingly with a life all it's own. Heero found himself watching it like a cat playing with a bit of yarn.

Soon, the analytical part of his brain took over and pointed out that if this yard-long rope of hair was trailing behind the villain, that was a yard less distance Heero had to close between them in order to catch him. He gave it every last ounce of speed he had, focusing on his new target. The thief kept looking behind him in terror, then back at the fence. He was so close, if only he could make it another twenty yards...

The hunter glided nearer still and made a calculated grab at the braid. He snagged it, first try. "Ow! Leggo!" the robber yelped. They both ran together as Heero pulled the scraggly head backwards and reached around his quarry's side to grab his free arm. Seconds later, he twirled the thief around and tackled him to the cobbled street, landing square on top of him.

The thief coughed and wheezed from the impact, pinned in place and trying to wrestle his empty arm out of the hunter's grip. Heero wondered where the boy's other arm was and located it after a brief search; it was stretched out to the side, still holding the perfectly unscathed pie off the ground.

"If you want one, then get your own!" the thief yelled angrily, seeing how Heero looked at the pie. "I've been working that alley for months now, and I've got rights to it! You find your own window and stay out of my business!" He kicked and squirmed underneath his captor, but he couldn't break free, nor would he relinquish his aromatic trophy.

Keeping a firm grip on the lapels of his prisoner's coat, Heero got up and hauled the boy to his feet. If you'd just dropped the damn pie, you wouldn't have gotten caught! He shook his head. "Idiot."

The thief took severe exception to being insulted, and thrashed around in Heero's grip until the dark-haired boy was forced to pin his free arm behind his back. Whatever punishment his body took, the thief made every effort to save the pie, as if it were a matter of life or death. Heero marched him to the fence, opened the gate, and shoved him through, clutching him by the arm and the scruff of the neck.

"Ouch! Geez, okay, okay! We can share the alley if you're that upset about it!" the thief blubbered as Heero shoved him down the rest of the backroad towards the street. "Hey, you're not one of those plain-clothes police officers, are you? You can't convict a man without a fair trial, you know! I'm an American and I wanna see a lawyer, understand!? What's Scotland Yard care about a few missing pies, anyway? OW! Watch it! You don't have to twist my arm right off!"

As soon as they were out in the direct sunight, Heero backed the thief up against a wall, clutching his braid like a leash. "Listen very carefully. We're going back to the windowsill you stole that pie from, and you'll have a chance to apologize for the trouble you've caused. Then you're going straight to the magistrate's office to answer for your previous thefts."

Heero searched the boy's face for traces of remorse, and found himself staring longer than he probably should have. His prisoner was no older than he was, but obviously poorer; his arm had felt sickeningly thin within his strong grasp. Partly hidden under spiky brown bangs was a gaunt, heart-shaped face, it's delicate features and pert elven nose smudged with grime from the street. His eyes were the most curious shade of violet, and shined with mischief.

"I've got a better idea," the thief pleaded cleverly. "Why don't you and me team up? Then we could hit twice as many windows and split the takings 60-40, only 'cause it was my idea, y'see, I'd be the brains of the operation. How 'bout it?" He tried to grin his way out of a tough situation, a talent at which he'd had much practice.

Heero wasn't impressed. "I don't think so." He began marching the boy back towards the pub.

"Alright, 50-50 and you get first pick of the goods, but that's my final offer. I'm giving you a good deal here, buddy!" The thief was still trying to bargain his way out of Heero's custody when they turned a corner and nearly walked straight into a woman with her back turned and talking to someone outside a shop. She was in the way.

"Excuse us," Heero said tiredly.

The woman turned around and smiled brightly. "Heero! Where have you been?" They had stumbled straight into Relena. "I was just asking this nice gentleman if he knew any available chefs, but no luck yet. Oh, and thank you very much for your time, sir," she said to the man.

"Not at all, m'lady," he answered as he went back inside his shop.

"...m'lady..." the thief whispered to himself. If the cash registers chinging in his head were audible, the force of their collective sound would have demolished the shop entirely.

Relena straightened the pin in her little flowered hat and looked the pair of them over uncomfortably, opting not to comment on their appearance. They looked as though they'd been wrestling down a coal mine. "And who's your friend, Heero? Aren't you going to introduce me?"

Friend?? he thought. Of course, she couldn't tell the boy was his prisoner. The way his hand was positioned in the cnter of his back, seizing his braid, they must have looked quite chummy from the front. "I'm just taking this--"

"Excuse me, madam, did I hear you correctly in elucidating your requirement of domestic assistance of the culinary persuasion?" the thief purred. Heero stared at him as if he'd gone insane. What was with the big words all of a sudden?

"Why yes!" Relena cheerily confirmed. "I need a chef for my London estate. Do you know someone?"

"Know someone? Oh, ha ha!" He gave a fake laugh and wrapped his free arm around Heero's shoulders. "Why madam, I happen to be the most giftedly serviceable connoisseur of superior delicacies out of anyone I know. Heero and I were just talking about how I could put my splendidly refined skills to good use and improve our quality of living."

The very idea that this filthy little robber would suggest that they were longstanding friends gave Heero murderous thoughts. He glared at the boy. First Otto, then you. And I'll stash your bodies in the same place so I don't have to make two trips.

Relena looked at the pie in his hand and clapped her own hands together in excitement. "Oh! Is that one of your own recipes, then?"

"Uh..." the boy fumbled for precisely the right words. "Well, y'see, the actual recipes are a little hard to keep track of, I mean let's face it, there's just so many pies out there. But I can tell you that it's just come out of the oven not ten minutes ago!"

"Oh, I see!" Relena stepped closer, eyeing the pie.

"Miss Relena," Heero said, trying to get her attention. He couldn't let this charade continue.

"Relena! What a beautiful name!" the bandit cooed charmingly. "I'll bet the birds stop singing when they hear it, because they just can't compete!"

The girl blushed and giggled, while the braided boy smirked at Heero. He only glared in return.

"Silly!" she squealed through gloved fingers. "But I still don't know your name."

The boy removed his arm from around Heero and offered a courtly bow, forcing the other to let go of his braid or be seen. "Maxwell, m'lady. Duo Maxwell. I have exquisite taste and I never, ever tell a lie. I'm famous for it."

Heero stiffened. "Miss Relena," he said, more forcefully this time.

"Shush, Heero, manners!" her Ladyship ordered with a disapproving scowl. "Not while I'm negotiating! Now then, Mr. Maxwell, what about this pie of yours?" She leaned in close to smell it.

The boys stared at each other; Heero looked shocked and Duo looked smug. He was doing an even better job of charming his way into Relena's good graces than Heero had.

Relena breathed deeply, sniffing the warm pastry. "Mmm...smells wonderful! What kind is it?"

"...um..." The boys' expressions traded faces; Duo looked shocked and Heero looked smug. They both knew perfectly well that the braided burglar hadn't had the opportunity to check. "Well, it's...uh..."

She looked up hopefully. "May I have a taste?"

Duo's brow furrowed, and he shrugged. "...sure." He struggled with guesses as she removed one white glove and pried up a bit of the crust. "This is...um...well, this particular pie is...uh...peach!"

"Cherry," she corrected after one bite.

"Cherry! I meant to say cherry. Cherry it is. Definitely cherry." Tiny sweatbeads were forming under his bangs. He smirked. "Y'know, it's just been such a hectic day and all..." He looked at Heero, who had his arms folded and wore a look of triumph. Duo wrinkled his nose at him arrogantly.

"This," Relena said softly, enraptured by the morsel she had yet to swallow, "is excellent."

The boys looked at each other blankly, then down at the pie. Neither believed anything from Catherine's window could be described as 'excellent'. They each sampled a bite of their own, and their eyes widened. It was excellent. Probably the first thing Catherine had cooked right in five years, and it was snatched away before she could find out she'd succeeded at last. The irony was painful.

"Well, I don't need any more convincing than that," Relena said firmly. She stepped between them and took Duo's arm, turning her back to Heero. "I think we have one or two things to chat about, don't you?" She smiled at him.

"I think you're right!" he said with a grin.

Relena looked over her shoulder. "Heero, would you fetch Otto out of the shops and have him ready the carriage please?"

Duo reached around the girl's waist and handed the pie to his 'friend' to look after. "Yes, do hurry, Heero, we're losin' daylight!" He shot the dark-haired boy another smug look as he patted the gloved hand on his arm.

Before waiting for a response, they sauntered down the busy street, arm in arm. The dying strains of their conversation melted into the hum of activity around them. "However did you get yourself in such a grungy state? Have you been cleaning out the ovens all morning?"

"One of a multitude of possible explanations, m'lady..."

Heero frowned. The boy claimed that he never told a lie, but he didn't tell the entire truth either. He could feel somehow that this addition to the household, assuming Relena was foolish enough to buy his story and hire him, would only make his mission more complicated. Wonderful, he thought bitterly.

He looked angrily at the pie, then grumbled off to find Otto, mentally kicking himself for not taking the boy straight to the authorities when he'd had the chance instead of staring into his violet eyes like a zombie. He wondered why he couldn't tear his own eyes away, or reveal his treachery in front of Relena. He could have if he'd tried a little harder. This was not like him...not like him at all.

**********

Crouched in a bit of shade, Quatre busied himself with the flower beds around the gazebo, pulling up weeds and filling in the empty spaces with pretty rocks and decorative pieces of slate. He genuinely enjoyed his work, even if he wasn't born into the craft; every now and then, he wondered what he might have been doing by this time if he hadn't left home...never mind leaving so quickly. No...I don't have time to be homesick.

Wiping his brow, he sat back on his heels to examine his work. It was only the second growing season he'd spent on these flower gardens, but he had quickly turned everyday labour into a fine art to be admired. If I had stayed, I wouldn't have been able to do this, he thought, smiling at the patterns he created with different-coloured petunias.

He heard the back door to the house open, the lower one just off the kitchen, and out popped Bethany, the youngest of the housemaids, clutching someone's hand and leading them out into the garden. Quatre knew who it was even before they opened the door; Trowa emerged right after Bethany and squinted through the afternoon sun, scanning the grounds for Quatre. The gardener stood and waved from the gazebo, and soon they were relaxing on the bench underneth it's wooden canopy.

"I'm glad you found the house alright," Quatre began with a smile.

Trowa nodded. "The directions were easier than they sounded."

"Yes, well," Quatre replied with a grin, "Miss Relena has a tendency to make things more complicated than they need to be. She might be a little overbearing and snobbish in public, but she's really a nice person to work for. I think you'll like it here."

A slight smile graced Trowa's shaded features. "And the others?"

"Others?" Quatre looked over the grounds; there was no one about at the moment except the old carpenter. "Well, that's Arthur over there, he doesn't say much. There's the maids, Doris, Elsie, and you met Bethany already...Otto is the major domo of all Miss Relena's properties, so if something goes really badly wrong, you'll have to answer to him. He's usually in a foul mood, so be careful." Quatre smiled again at the memories of the previous weekend. "And of course, you know Frederick."

Trowa chuckled. "I hope you know, I did not tell him to do that."

"Yeah, I know," Quatre said with a laugh. "He's just resourceful like that...oh, but...actually, there is someone you should watch out for..." His face suddenly turned quite serious. Trowa watched him speak, concerned that such a carefree spirit could be worried about anything. "...our new butler."

Trowa sat back and waited for him to continue, expecting the butler to be an unpleasant stuffed shirt or a cruel taskmaster or something. "His name is Heero Yuy. He's been here almost two weeks, but I could tell as soon as we met...that there's something seriously wrong with him." Quatre wrung his hands; it was getting to be a habit lately. "If you're hiding something, or if you lie to him, he can tell. If you do anything he thinks is suspicious, he'll watch you. I don't even think he's a real butler, myself. He has some secret reason for being here, but don't try to find out anything about it, alright? So long as he does no harm to Miss Relena or the rest of the household, it's none of our business."

Quatre folded his hands in his lap and closed his eyes, his speech finished. He hoped the last part was convincing, because he certainly wasn't staying out of Heero's way to be courteous or to keep to his own business.

They sat in silence until the back door opened again and Bethany reappeared, followed by Relena this time. Relena was followed by a short line of servants, ending with Heero. The group began walking to the gazebo, and the two lads on the bench rose out of deference to Lady Peacecraft's presence. Quatre gave Trowa a nudge and whispered to him. "That's him, the one on the end."

Trowa looked the dark-haired boy over from afar. He does look a bit unpleasant, he thought. "I'll be careful."

Almost the moment he spoke, Heero looked straight at the pair of them. The chill it sent down their spines almost distracted Quatre completely from noticing that there was an extra person in line. In front of Heero sauntered a boy about his own age with bright eyes and a wide grin. He was emanating beautiful cheerfulness as he skipped along, and Quatre was sure they'd be instant chums.

He smiled brightly and nudged Trowa again. "That one in front of Heero...he's new...he seems nice, don't you think?" he asked, forgetting that his friend might not share his sixth sense.

Soon, all the staff except Arthur, who neither was summoned nor attempted to join the group, were assembled on the back lawn, waiting for Relena to make the introductions. "Let's get straight to the point," she said, arranging them all in a circle. "My Uncle Treize is coming here within a few weeks, with a guest, to manage my late father's affairs. It's extremely important to me that we all make a good impression on him. My uncle is very important socially across Europe and even overseas, and if we're 'in' with him, Bridlewood Manor is set for a long time to come. This house will be a name in London, not just a fancy building in a rich neighbourhood."

She strode slowly clockwise around the inside of the circle, giving the servants tasks in the order in which she passed them; apparently they were just supposed to remember each others' names as the instructions were handed out, rather than being formally introduced like civilized people.

"Bethany, I want you to scrub down all the woodwork in the house, then treat it with that oil father brought back from Denmark. Arthur can show you where it is."

Bethany curtsied. "Yes, miss."

"Trowa, glad to see you made it here on time...now, my carriage is in the coachhouse behind the stable. I want every bit of it to shine like it was new, after you've taken care of the horses, naturally. Everything you need should be in there already."

"Yes, m'lady," came the quiet reply.

"Quatre, put the back gardens on hold and focus on the front of the house, the walk, the rose bushes, and the front porch. Wash the front windows and shine all the brasswork, you can manage that, can't you?"

Quatre tried not to let it show that he'd rather stay in the back garden. There's nowhere to hide at the front of the house! Suppose a cab drove by carrying one of my...no, stop it! This is no time to get paranoid. Miss Relena needs you. "Of course!" he said in his usual chipper tone.

"Doris, you're good on ladders, you can check all the electrical lighting fixtures and chandeliers, make sure they're clean and working properly. Especially in the guest rooms, we don't use them as often so we have no idea what state of repair they're in. Leave the gas fixtures for last."

Doris, an intelligent older woman with silver-gray hair, nodded in lieu of a curtsey. "Yes, miss."

"Otto, check over the book of accounts and make sure all the figures are up-to-date." The newer members of staff wondered why the biggest, strongest person smong them had the lightest work to do, but nobody said anything.

"Of course, m'lady," Otto replied.

"Now then, Elsie," Relena began. This one had boundless energy, but had to be given plenty of work or she'd start gossiping with the other maids. "Clean all the guest rooms from top to bottom. I know we only have two guests coming, but I want to be able to offer them their choice of rooms. After that, you can tend to the carpets on all three floors, starting with the main floor."

Elsie curtsied. "Yes, m'lady."

Relena stopped in front of Duo and faced him straight on. "I don't suppose I have to outline your duties. Mealtimes are the same here as they are anywhere else, only I'd like to present Uncle Treize with something a bit fancier than traditional fare. I'll leave the choice of menus up to you."

Duo snapped his heels together and saluted. "Neither ran, nor sleet, nor gloom of night shall keep this chef from his appointed kitchen!"

Hiding a giggle, Relena moved on. "Heero, as for you, well..." she said gently, letting her eyes trail over his face lovingly, "...just stay close to me, and you'll be fine." She gave him a knowing smile, and didn't notice that she received nothing in return. Clapping her hands, she addressed the group once more. "Right, you all have your instructions, on about your work!"

The circle dissipated, and they all went to their separate tasks, except Duo, who just stood there, dumbstruck all of a sudden. He spotted Heero on his way back to the house and ran up beside him. "Hey! Uh...could you show me around the kitchen real quick?"

Heero gave a tiny sigh. "Fine." They went down the concrete steps to the kitchen; the stove, the oven, the icebox, and all other kitchen appliances were self-evident and didn't need pointing out. "The food is over there, and the cookbooks are on that shelf there," he said, indicating opposite ends of the large, imposing room.

Duo blinked at the bookcase. "Cookbooks. Book about cooking. Cooking in book format. Okay..." He took a few steps towards the bookcase and stopped, then looked uncomfortably at Heero and took a few more steps until the books were an arm's length away. "Tell you what, why don't you pick out your favourite recipes and just walk me through them one time, huh?"

Heero was getting fiendishly intrigued by the boy's nervousness and how suddenly it had appeared. "No, no, I wouldn't want to interfere with your creative process," he said slyly, folding his arms.

"Right," Duo sneered. He turned back to the bookcase and looked over the selection with worried eyes. Glancing over his shoulder at Heero again, he slowly reached out and plucked a medium-sized blue volume off the shelf. The cook sat down at the huge wooden worktable, as far away from Heero as he could. He opened the book somewhere in the middle and focused on it.

Heero watched the boy's brow furrow over and over. He walked a bit closer, prompting the cook to shrink away as if trying to hide. The butler cleared his throat. "Good book, is it?"

"What? Oh! Yes, fine, just fine...wonderful...magnificent even."

"And what does the book say?"

Duo looked like a startled owl. "...what?" he squeaked.

"About cooking." Heero leaned over the table on both hands. "What...does...it...say?"

The cook pasted on a defiant glare. "A lot of things! This and that...you know...stuff! Boy the things it says...what does it say? Ha! What doesn't it say!" Hoping that would shut the other boy up, he stood the open book up on the table and attempted to hide behind it.

Heero squinted at the cover from the other end of the table and read the title: 'Twelve Tales of Love and Romance' by Miss Patience Goodfellow. He smirked. "You can't read, can you?"

Duo slapped the book down angrily. "I'm insulted! After I set aside my vitally important daily routine to grace this house with my effervescent presense, you see fit to ridicule and verbally abuse your honoured guest? Bringing a smear upon my good name? Well I'll tell you something, Mr. Snooty-Puss, if anyone expects me to stay, I oughta be treated a little better than that! I'm not a second-class citizen and I don't deserve these wild accusations!"

"So you can't read?"

"Not as such, no."

Heero shook his head and fell into a chair opposite Duo, who closed the book in defeat and tossed it on the table. "So what book is that, anyway?" Duo asked.

"Something I suspect Elsie kept around to distract her from her cooking, which is why we needed a proper cook in the first place," Heero said with a sigh.

Duo looked around in a state approaching panic. "Well, aren't you going to help me? I mean...damn, I've gotta cook dinner in a hour!" He ran his fingers through his bangs nervously. "You gotta help me out, Heero, or I'll be the one that's cooked! What'll I do!?"

Heero rose from the table and straightened his jacket. "What you're going to do is fail miserably, and then her Ladyship will see you for the fraud you are. See you at dinner." He started for the door.

"Fine! Who needs you!? I've survived this long, and in worse places, I can manage one measly little kitchen just peachy without your help! So get lost!!" He was still shouting after Heero left. Jerk, he thought, I'll show you I know what I'm doing. He got up and went to the pantry, examining the contents; once he assessed the condition in which the larder was stocked, an idea sprang to his mind. I know what I can do...yeah, I've seen her make that a dozen times! No problem...

Duo started pulling ingredients from the cupboards; if he had to make dinner to keep his bed for the night, he was just going to have to fix something up from memory. He was going to show all of them he deserved to live there.

**********

Relena sailed down the stairs at five minutes to six that evening, wearing a raspberry-coloured dress from her 'casual elegance' collection. Otto met her at the last step and esscorted her to the dining room; as always, he would be her sole dinner companion in place of her father. She was looking forward greatly to having guests to talk to in the coming weeks.

Otto pulled out a chair from the long table for her, while Heero lit the candles. Most of the house had been fitted with new electric lights, including the dining room, but Relena enjoyed the glow of the tiny flames so much more. Heero blew out the flaming taper and retreated to the main floor kitchenette to await the delivery of their dinner.

He stood by the dumbwaiter that led downstairs to the kitchen, wishing he could be present when Duo's gourmet creation was inflicted on her Ladyship. At exactly one minute to six, the ropes in the little wooden chamber set into the wall came to life. Something was on it's way up.

Heero opened the engraved wooden cabinet doors and up popped three plates covered with sterling silver domes, along with delicate little pots of sauces and condiments, bread rolls, and a bottle of Beaujolais. Tied to the handle of one of the silver covers was a scrap of paper. Heero plucked it off and looked at it; there was a drawing of a happy face sticking it's tongue out impishly. Duo couldn't write any better than he could read, but he could get a point across perfectly well. He set that plate aside, assuming it was for him. Interesting so far...

The other two meals went on a silver-plated serving cart, with the extra bits and pieces, and the bottle of wine. He wheeled the cart into the dining room and arranged the items in front of Otto and Relena.

"So, Heero, any first impressions on how our new chef is doing?" she asked.

The butler paused. "None that I can easily put into words, m'lady." He left before Otto could say anything, pushing the serving cart back into the little kitchenette and standing by the door. As he heard the silver covers come off their plates, he held his breath and listened intently. Soon the little thief who nearly knocked him over would get his comeuppance.

Relena's voice came drifting through the door. "Otto, what is this?"

"I've no idea, miss. Never seen anything like it."

Heero crept closer to the door when he heard forks and spoons clinking against fine china. "I can't believe this," he heard her say. Any second now... "This is...this is...absolutely wonderful!"

Heero leaned back from the door quickly as if it had just bitten him, and gave it an incredulous look. Then he glared at it. Otto chimed in next. "Quite unusual, but most definitely a masterpiece! You're right, we were lucky to find this chap!"

"See, Otto? You should trust my judgement more often. I can read people too, you know. I can tell who's trustworthy and who isn't."

The hell you can! Heero shouted at her in his mind. Furious that the pair of them had been so utterly duped, he dashed to the table and yanked the cover off his own plate, inspecting the contents. It looked like a fairly ordinary beef stew. Perhaps Duo had sent him something different and completely unpalatable to get back at him for showing him up in the kitchen earlier. Yes, that must be it.

Heero forced himself to taste it, then lowered his fork and frowned. Shoot. It's fabulous. He tossed the fork aside. I just can't win lately. The butler sat there in defeat for a good ten minutes before giving in and finishing his dinner. Otto had been correct; it was unusual, but worth every bite.

Three crystal dishes arrived in the dumbwaiter just moments before Relena rang to have the dinner plates removed, perfectly timed. Heero took them two bowls of something unidentifiable. In each dish was a small mountain of fresh cut fruit emerging from a pale orange substance that wobbled when shaken. It seemed too thick to be blancmange, and the wrong colour to be aspic.

Dessert was received as happily as dinner had been. The pair in the dining room couldn't say enough good things about the new chef, and it was starting to get on Heero's nerves. He deliberately avoided the kitchens and the chef for the rest of the night. As soon as he finished his duties, he retreated to his room at nearly ten o'clock, hoping not to cross paths with the sneaky lad until he absolutely had to.

He laid down on his narrow bed fully dressed, rubbed his eyes, and wondered how he was going to explain this to Catherine when he next saw her. A light set of footsteps bounded up the servant's stairwell. Heero looked up, slightly puzzled; he thought all the maids had gone to bed already, and there was no one else rooming on this level of the house...unless... Oh no.

As if on cue, in bounced Duo. "Hiya, roomie! Enjoy your dinner?"

Heero fought hard not to groan out loud. "Fine, thank you."

"Don't mention it. Hey, is all that for me?" Duo chirped, pointing at the double bed across from Heero's twin. The braided boy took a running leap and threw himself on it, bouncing around on the thick mattress like a fish in the bottom of a rowboat. He finally stopped and laid on his back, ecstatic. "Oh wow...this is just too much. It's gotta be a dream, a long beautiful dream. And man, this house has everything! Telephone, electricity, indoor plumbing...and did I see a phonograph in that one room?"

Heero frowned; the house was nice, but it wasn't the royal palace Duo made it out to be. "The manor isn't all that spectacular."

Duo laced his fingers behind his head. "Hey, it beats a packing case in Covent Garden," he said a bit solemnly.

Heero looked over at the boy. He hadn't thought of that, but he should have, else why would he be stealing food? Duo was homeless. "What about your family?"

"Haven't got any," Duo said with a shake of his head. "I carelessly misplaced my parents in Victoria Station when I was five. Been pretty much on my own ever since."

A pang of something unpleasant struck Heero in the chest. He deduced that it was probably guilt over his behaviour towards the boy, and judging him too quickly. "I shouldn't have been so harsh with you earlier. I apologize."

"Hey, I don't need any pity apologies, okay? I can take care of myself just fine, always could," Duo countered. "First thing you learn on the streets is that you can't eat sympathy."

"It's not sympathy," Heero said, "you said you could cook, and apparently you can. I didn't believe you because you couldn't read. I was mistaken."

Duo smiled. "Thanks. I can read a little, you know...I can read numbers a bit, and I can write my name and the words 'American Embassy'. Spent a lot of time there while they looked for my folks."

A question was nagging Heero, and now was as good a time as any. "What exactly was it that we ate?"

That brought a wider smile to the chef's face. "Good old-fashioned gruel, like you find in workhouses and orphanages. 'Course, it turns out a heck of a lot better when you have fresh food to cook with, instead of rotting vegetables and things you find lying dead in the road."

Heero looked at him wide-eyed in shock. "I had no idea things were that bad in the city."

Duo smirked. "Nah, I'm kidding, I really don't know where they found the stuff. Damn well didn't taste like chicken, that's for sure." He really didn't care to stay on this subject. "What did you think of dessert?"

Heero struggled for adjectives that wouldn't encourage conceit. "Unusual."

"Gelatin and orange juice," Duo offered. "A friend of mine taught me how to do that. Throw in some cut fruit, and leave it in the icebox until it sets. I'm lucky there was ice in there at all, I'd've been stuck for ideas if there wasn't!" He rolled over on his side to face Heero and kicked his shoes off onto the floor. "That blond kid is funny, everytime his gelatin wobbled he broke out laughing! It was hilarious! Shame you missed it, but we'll all get to know each other sooner or later. Guess I've gotta come up with breakfast too, and I was thinking..."

Duo kept talking for almost an hour, and it seemed like one long, continuous sentence, switching rapidly from topic to topic until Heero escaped to the bathroom to change clothes. His reward for not telling the chatterbox to shut up was finding him already asleep when he returned. Asleep and snoring softly.

Heero sighed. Having this new person around could threaten his mission if he wasn't careful; on the other hand, he seemed eager to make Heero happy, and could be a potential ally if he was found to be trustworthy. The evidence presented that day hardly supported that theory, but Heero had also seen that the boy knew how to surprise people. Either way, it was up in the air, and a decision for another day.

He draped a blanket over his roommate, blew out the lamp, and climbed into his own bed, to which he still wasn't accustomed. Moonlight was streaming in, weaving itself around drifting clouds and illuminating Duo's cherub-like face. We'll see, Heero thought, gazing at the boy. We'll see.


~~~~~~~~~~

Next, in Episode Five: A European woman on the run from her past lands in a remote village far north of London, where a frightening old man lives in seclusion. What's his connection to London, and why does she fear him instantly? Also, Heero makes some unauthorized modifications to the house, and Trowa worries that his new friend is keeping a dangerous secret.

=^_^= Hiiiiii! Gosh, I've got nothing left to say about this Episode, it just speaks for itself! I dunno what I'm going to put in the notes, probably recipes. =P Meet me back here for Episode Five on Saturday the 16th!