Harry Potter and the Sorcerer's Stone: A Parody
Summary: Warning: Lots of random crazyness ahead. This is my parody of the first book, put in a script like form. Read if you want a good laugh (at either my crazyness or my stupidity, your choice).
Disclaimer: If you do not know who is the creator of Harry Potter than you don't know what Harry Potter is in which case you shouldn't spend your time reading a parody you won't understand!
Chapter One: The Boy Who Lived
Dumbledore: -pulls out his putter-outter- Ah, my favorite part of the chapter. -puts on a record player playing that one song that everyone plays in movies when two people are in love and start frolicking in a field towards each other- Tra la la! -begins to skip down the street putting out the lights-
McGonagall: Meow!
Dumbledore: You're not a cat anymore..
McGonagall: I know, but I'm still a sex kitten.
Dumbledore: Indeed.
-motorcycle noise thing-
McGonagall: Are you sure you trust Hagrid with Harry?
Dumbledore: Of course! Letting a half-giant transporting the Boy Who Lived on a flying motorcycle is perfectly safe! Besides, Harry can't die, this is only the first chapter.
Hagrid: Rere's Rarry Rotter Rorressor Rumblerore!
Scooby-Doo: Rey! Ruit ralking rike re!
Hagrid: Oops, wrong accent. 'nyway, here's Harry Potter Professor Dumbledore!
McGonagall: Are you sure about leaving Harry with the Dursely's?
Dumbledore: Of course! Leaving Harry with a family who hates his guts instead of handing him over to Sirius, his Godfather, who loves him and who James and Lily wanted Harry to go to if something happened makes perfect sense! Besides, if we gave Harry to Sirius, JK Rowling would have to make some major plot changes to the third book as well as the title, and Harry wouldn't be half as depressed as he is in book five.
JK Rowling: At least someone understands me.
Chapter Two: The Vanishing Glass
Harry: Oh how I hate Dudley. I wish he would fall into that snake tank and be terribly frightened but not eaten alive because this is a children's book.
JK Rowling: Indeed.
Harry: So instead of making it eat Dudley, I will start a conversation with it. Perfectly normal behavior. That way, instead of millions of children sicking snakes on their enemies, they will try and talk to them and most likely be bitten and die of the venom poisoning!
JK Rowling: You haven't lived until you've corrupted an entire generation, lemmie tell you.
-glass vanish noise thingie-
Harry: How convient!
Dudley: Oh dear! I've fallen in a snake tank! Even though the snake has left his tank I'm still screaming! Damn my secret fear of empty tanks with no threatening creatures!
Snake: Thanksssss, amigo!
Harry: Your welcome.
Chapter Three: The Letters From No One
Harry: I got a letter!
Uncle Vernon: No you don't. -snatches it and eats it-
JK Rowling: Now that's not in the book. He burns it..
Me: Yeah, but eating it is so much more interesting. He might actually get ink poisoning and die.
JK Rowling: Why didn't I think of that?
Uncle Vernon: I am blocking our mail slot in order to prevent you for getting anymore letters. It also prevents us from getting any bills )
Harry: So you do have a brain...
-whooshie letter entering noise-
Harry: Wow! The house is being flooded by letters! Too bad I can't even manage to grab one out of the hundreds that are flying around.
JK: Actually, they over-dramatized it in the movie. There's only about fifty in the book.
Fireplace/Chimney: That's okay, just flood me with letters, I don't mind! Sheesh, it's worse than Christmas..
Harry: But there is no such thing as Santa Clause..
F/C: Who ever said that? Someone in this house has a certain fetish for dressing up like him and sliding down me every year.
Uncle Vernon: Shhhhh! Well, I guess we can't live here anymore considering hundreds -
JK: Fifty.
Uncle Vernon: Fifty letters are in our living room. And since the Chimney can talk. Let's all go live on a shack on a rock in the middle of the sea.
Chapter Four: The Keeper of the Keys
Hagrid: Rawr.
Durselys: Ahhhhhhh!
Hagrid: Yer a wizard Harry.
Harry: Yay!
Aunt Petunia: My sister was a freak!!
Uncle Vernon: So is Dumbledore!
Hagrid: Bippity boppity boo!
-magic noise thingie-
Dudley: Oink!
Chapter Five: Diagon Alley
Hagrid: Time ta get yer thin's fer school!
Harry: But I haven't any money.
Hagrid: Don't be silly, yer parents, who's jobs were never mentioned, left yeh tons of Galleons, Sickles, and Knuts!
Harry: I've got two of those already.
JK Rowling: Sheesh! At least I didn't name them Kunts!
-cricket chirp-
Harry: What's that package in the mysterious vault?
Hagrid: Oh nothin', just the plot for tha entire story. And ta think if I had forgotten to pick it up...
Mr. Olivander: It's the wand that chooses the wizard.
Harry: So Voldie's brother wand chooses me. Yay.
JK: Read book four. Then you'll understand.
Me: He's in book four.
JK: Yes but it's book one now. He doesn't know yet. He could die right now for all he knows.
Harry: -walks outside and gets runover by a headless horseman-
JK: See?
Chapter Six: Platform 9 3/4
Harry: How do I get to Platform 9 3/4?
Mrs. Weasley: Just run through the wall between platforms 9 and 10!
Harry: Oh yes, how stupid of me.
Me: I bet the London hospitals have been getting a lot of concussion injuries lately due to kids trying to get to the platform...
JK: Bite me.
Ron: You're Harry Potter!
Harry: Really?
Ron: Wanna be friends?
Harry: Okay.
Ron: Yay!
Harry: Oh look, a Chocolate Frog card with Albus Dumbledore on it! Of course this couldn't be a plot device, how stupid is that?
Hermione: Hi I'm Hermione! Your magic sucks, wanna be friends?
Ron&Harry: Okay!
Draco: Hi I'm Draco your friends suck wanna be my friend?
Harry: Okay!
Ron&Hermione: NO!
Harry: Psyche!
Draco: Rats.
Trevor: Ribbit. I am of no importance. Ribbit ribbit.
Chapter Seven: The Sorting Hat
Sorting Hat: I am a hat, I'll make you look fat, I sing a song, Then you put me on, I'll put you in a house, Please don't get aroused.
George: He doesn't even try anymore.
Harry: -not Slytherin!-
Sorting Hat: Slytherin!
Harry: That would completely ruin the plot!
Sorting Hat: Oh okay, Gryffindor. But remember to ponder why I put you in Gryffindor when I said you should be in Slytherin later in the series for a dramatic effect!
Albus Dumbledore: No one is allowed on the third floor corridor. Did you get that Harry? The third floor, right after the second and if you've hit the fourth you've gone too far.
Harry: I'll remember that.
Nearly Headless Nick: Ooga booga! -rips off head-
Chapter Eight: The Potions Master
Ron: Let's go see Hagrid and learn more about the plot!
Harry: Oh look, a Daily Prophet article about a Gringotts break in the same day we were there! What a coinky-dink!
Hagrid: Come back an' see meh later in the story so I can let some secrets slip that will beh vital to the plot.
Chapter Nine: The Midnight Duel
Neville: Ow! I'm dying!
Madam Hooch: No one move until I get back! Neville, don't pick that up, you must leave it so Harry doesn't get in trouble.
Draco: -hops on broom- I've got the remembrall, nyah nyah nyah!
Harry: -hops on broom- I can fly!
Ron: He can fly?
Hermione: He can fly!
Harry: -saves the day- You can add youngest Quidditch player in a century to my long list of accomplishments in my 11 year old life, right after Boy Who Lived and Sex Machine.
Draco: -sings Love Machine- L.O.V.E, all I need's my love machine tonight, tonight What can I do for you, am I your wildest dream
Everyone: ...
Draco: I'll challenge you to a duel since you beat me at flying but I'm too chicken to show up.
-later that night-
Harry: Oh dear, Filch is coming. Remember what Dumbledore said!
Ron: Oh look a dog. With three heads!
Hermione: Oh look a door. With a trap!
Chapter Ten: Halloween
Harry: Woo hoo I got a Nimbus Two Thousand from a mysterious admirer!
McGonagall: No, I couldn't care less if you were Harry Potter. You're on the Gryffindor Quidditch team and we need to beat Snape is all.
Oliver Wood: Blah blah Quidditch, Blah blah, I am sexy.
Prof. Flitwick: Windgardium Leviosa! Pay attention Ron, you need to know this for later in the chapter.
Troll: Boo!
Ron: Wingardium Leviosa!
Hermione: Swish and flick!
Ron: -snickers-
JK: Grow up why don't you! First the Knuts, now this...
Chapter Eleven: Quidditch
Snape: I am the obvious suspect, so that cancels me out. But Harry & Co. are too dim too notice.
Harry: Snape is after what's under the dog!
Oliver: Let's go kick some ass!
JK: Arse. Or butt. But not ass. They can only say ass in the movie.
Oliver: Whatever, I'm still sexy.
Harry: Oh dear, it looks like my broom is going out of control. I won't worry though, I've still got six more books to go before I can die.
Ron: Snape is jinxing Harry! I won't bother looking two rows down to see that it's really Quirrel jinxing Harry though.
Hagrid: Okay time for me ta let some stuff slip. The dog is Fluffy an' it's not Snape an' it has ta do with Nicholas Flamel. Dun bother listenin' bout the Snape part though or else the secret at the end is ruined.
Chapter Twelve: The Mirror of Erised
Harry: Wow! An invisibility cloak!
McGonagall: Are you sure about giving Harry the invisibility cloak?
Dumbledore: Of course! How else would he manage to sneak around the castle after hours? He's not God you know..
JK: ...as all of the Christians in the world have pointed out.
Harry: Ooooh look, a pretty mirror!
Harry (on the third night): Mirror, mirror, on the wall, who's the fairest one of all?
Dumbledore: Back again Harry? You know, this isn't healthy, you could be come additced!
Harry: I know I know! I've tried the patch, I've tried everything! -evil demon voice- It. Won't. Go. Away!
Dumbledore: SOCKS - My Anti-Mirror
McGonagall: I thought I was...
Dumbledore: You are, sex kitten.
Chapter Thirteen: Nicholas Flamel
Hermione: I found him!
Harry: Who?
Hermione: Waldo!
Chapter Fourteen: Norbert the Norwegian Ridgeback
Hagrid: I'll name him - Norbert.
Ron: First Fluffy, now Norbert. Whatever happened to good names?
Me: Like Knuts?
JK: Shhhhhh!
Chapter Fifteen: The Forbidden Forest
Filch: Your detention will be with Hagrid in the Forbidden Forest.
Harry: Oh yes, let us serve our detention in the Forbidden Forest, a place which we are forbidden to go.
Ron: So that's how it got it's name...
Hagrid: Ron, Hermione, yeh can come with meh so I can make sure yrh don' grope each other. Draco, Harry, you two are born enemies, so naturally you'll go together an' can take fang.
Draco: Score! I finally get to be alone with him...
Hooded Figure: Mmmm unicorn blood!
Harry: Part of your balanced breakfast!
Firenze: I was supposed to be hott but the movie screwed me over.
Chapter Sixteen: Through the Trapdoor
Harry: Quick! To Dumbledore!
McGonagall: Oh, sorry, Dumbledore conviently got a letter from the ministry, it looks like you'll have to battle Voldemort by yourself, destining you for more depression later in the series.
Harry: You'd think if Dumbledore was so great and powerful he could tell if a letter was fake or not..
Neville: You can't leave! And besides, if I don't try and stop you, we'll tie Slytherin for the House Cup! Even though we lost 150 points last chapter, we'll still win!
Hermione: DIE NEVILLE! I mean, Petrificus Totalus!
Harry: Snape's already gotten past Fluffy, because you know, it can't be anyone other than him. That's just impossible.
Ron: Ahhhh! A giant plant is groping me! Stop, I'm saving myself for marriage!
Hermione: I need to start a fire! But there's no wood!
Harry: I've got wood! And two Knuts as well!
Ron: A giant chess board! How ironic, since chess is the only strong point in my pathetic life. I shall sacrifice myself so you and Hermione can go on but Hermione will sacrifice herself in the next task anyways so she should just stay here like those cheapskapes in the movie made her do and cut out the really wicked fire scene.
Chapter Seventeen: The Man With Two Faces
Harry: Two feces?
Me: And you're wearing glasses...
Harry: No, actually, not in the movie. Just the frames. Around my blue eyes. Not green.
Quirrel: Boo!
Harry: You're not Snape!
Quirriel: Really?
Voldemort: Harrrrrrrrrry Pottttttttter...let me seeee your Knnnnnnnuts...
Harry: ...
Voldemort: I mean, what do you see in the mirror?
Harry: Well, I'm holding my Knuts..I mean, er, the House Cup. And now there's a large obvious lump in my pocket that neither of you will notice.
Voldemort: Get him!
Quirriel: Rawr!
Harry: -puts on a Sailor Moon costume- Do you beeelieeeeve, in the power of love! You've got to beeelieeeeeeve, in the power of love!
Quirriel: Ahhh! My face!! I do, I do believe in the power of love!
Voldemort: I will now turn into a cloud and fly into Harry!
Harry: Arrrrrrrrgh! -slow motion backbend thingie as Voldie flies into him-
Neo: Hey, that's my stunt!
Dumbledore: Well, given recent events, and the fact that we need to end this story as sappy as possible, Gryffindor wins the House Cup! And because Harry saw it in the mirror with his Knuts.
Fin.