Author's Notes:
Rectitude: I know you know the definition of this word but in this story I'm using it in the same way as it means in the code of Bushido, not in the English dictionary. It's the power of deciding upon a certain course of conduct in accordance with reason, without wavering. To die when it is right to die, or to strike when it is right to strike regardless of the consequences. It means to make your choice regardless of being right or wrong and sticking to it.
[I took the definition from my martial arts notes on: Bushido: The Soul of Japan; by Nitobe, Inazo]
Chapter 13: Heart Sick
Darkness.
Terror.
Pain.
Loneliness.
The words echoed through the...where was he? There was no light, only the same kind of pitch-black darkness that existed beneath the earth.
Akito found himself struggling through the darkness terrified of what was behind him. Whatever was following him was intently trying to catch up to him as it chanted these words.
So he kept running, afraid of even looking behind him. Afraid of what was following him...
Afraid.
A dot of light appeared on the horizon, small, but bright and he ran towards it. Racing endlessly towards that light. He saw it when it began to flicker, and he could feel a hand grabbing onto his ankle, the claws of the beast digging into his flesh
Akito!
It was a woman's voice, a voice he knew from somewhere. She was the one holding the candle, and she was coming closer to them both.
The light from her candle bounced off the walls of what had to be a cave, and the light she held caused the monster to screech in pain.
It turned on her.
Akito screamed as he saw the monster throw itself upon the girl and he could hear his sobs as he watched her body being torn into bloody shreds. This is what it would have done to him. The monster satisfied that its hunger had been fed slipped back into the shadows. Akito reached over to gently cradle what was left of the woman that had saved him from the fate that she endured.
He was so ashamed he was the one that was supposed to have died, yet she... he couldn't even finish the thought, but seeing her face, streaked with blood and the gentle smile left on her now dead countenance.
Her face looked so loving, kind and... and familiar, somehow.
Akito's eyes flew wide open when he realized who it had been. The image of Adrian's bloody face so happy in death, almost glad, that image was completely engraved into his mind. Would that image ever disappear?
When he saw the very same person sitting beside him, waiting for him to awaken, he felt his blood begin to run cold. The mere memory overlapping with reality made his stomach lurch, and he found himself fighting the urge to vomit. Even seeing Kyo in his true form had not been as bad as that dream had been.
Not by a long shot.
He tried to look anywhere but at her. His eyes wandered from his futon to the window and eventually to the tray at her side. He didn't dare look at her face or he knew he would be sick.
Three painful months had passed since the last time they had spoken to each other in more than just passing. Akito knew that this had really been his decision, though as time went on the fact that she hadn't protested had hurt him more than he cared to admit.
At first he had convinced himself that she was after something from him. Family, money, whatever, but she wanted something so badly that she would cast a love spell on him. Yet she had ignored him.
Through the last three months, living together in the same house, she never said a word to him, except in passing. She was cordial, but not friendly, and she never asked for anything, not even a bowl of rice.
Guilt ravaged through Akito.
He'd hurt so many people, Yuki, Kyo, Kagura, all of the juunichi but he had never felt guilty before Adrian. He tried to think of her as a tool that he needed and nothing more. Still, he had no control over her at all, she was a bird to him free to fly, and free to choose when and where she would land.
"How are you feeling?" Adrian's voice was light and mellow to Akito, somehow the sound of her voice was almost musical.
He must remember rectitude. Hhe must follow that path. It was his responsibility to do so as the family head. His path had already been chosen, and now it had to be followed.
Still a few moments wouldn't kill him, a rebellious part of him whispered.
"Your not supposed to be in here."
"Well, when your healthy enough to throw me out go right on ahead." She replied tartly. Adrian was beginning to fuss with the glass of water, and the medicine. Akito needed to take them, to get better.
"Hatori-sensei wants you to take these." She passed the water with the medicine in it to him, she watched as he drank every last sip of it.
"Get out." Don't go! What was wrong with him today? He had to get her away as fast as possible yet he just wanted her to stay a little while longer. He forced his eyes to leave her feet and they slowly traced their way up to her face. His eyes lingered on her waist as he noticed that she had lost a lot of weight. She had already been to skinny when she had first arrived. He forced his eyes to go higher. He counted the buttons on her shirt as his teal eyes continued upward. Her neck was long and her flesh was smooth, he truly dreaded seeing her face though.
Would her expression show her anger, or would it be a mask of polite indifference. She probably hated him just like everybody else did, and worst of all he couldn't really blame her for it. She had every right. He forced his eyes up the last few inches to see her.
Worry?
That was the one expression he hadn't anticipated, yet her expression was that of a woman that was desperately worried about something. There was no sign of hate, or anger, curiosity of all things he could see clearly in her eyes, but the worry was paramount.
Akito wanted to tell her a thousand things. He wanted to apologize for the last three months. He wanted to tell her that it all the blame was his. He wanted to tell her that he had enjoyed that week that they had been friends. He wanted to tell her that he trusted her. He wanted...
He wanted so many things that he didn't have the right to want anymore. He had forfeited the right to want these things, or to even ask for them. Besides she hadn't put in a word of protest she was probably happy with how things were.
Akito couldn't believe how pathetic he was. He had always been that pathetic, just afraid to let the others see it. Somehow he wanted Adrian to see it though. He thought that maybe just maybe she would forgive him. Still rectitude had been drilled into him and he couldn't go back on a decision once it was made and acted upon. He would keep a wall and he wouldn't try to cross it.
What if she tried to cross it though?
He was truly a fool she wouldn't do that. In the three months they had been living together she had never made a move to break the silence that stood between them. It wouldn't happen. He hung his head in defeat, what an idiot he was.
"GET OUT!" He hissed.
He couldn't take it. Looking at the one thing he wanted to stay and knowing he could do nothing... it was driving him mad.
"This has got to stop."
Did she actually say that? Akito was having trouble believing that she said that. Maybe?
"I can't take this silent treatment anymore." Her voice was strong like thick steal, and to Akito it was more beautiful than any bird that had flown into his life.
"You treat me as though I don't exist. I'm invisible am I? Well, sorry to disappoint you, but I'm going to be your personal nursemaid until your better. I'm not leaving until you throw me out yourself!"
"Do what you wish."
His heart was light with joy and he just wanted to grab her and hug her but he knew he couldn't. Perhaps she did care even just a little about him? Even is she only cared just a little as long as it was genuine he could live with that. His heart was pounding against his chest, the dream forgotten the only thing on his mind was how to make himself appear sick even longer than normal to keep her by his side. Perhaps Hatori could help him somehow? For once being sick was the best thing that had ever happened to him.
Chapter 14: A Guiding Hand