Ranma 1/2 : March of the Pigs
Part 1
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own legs to live.)
-=-
A few background notes before we begin.
Recently, me and the fine folks down at the Bijou Saxon have
been getting addicted to Viz's lovely dubbed Ranma 1/2 series.
(I will NOT start talking about dub vs. sub, don't worry) We all
agree on a few points :
1. Mousse kicks ass.
2. Happosai must die.
3. Cobain had NOTHING on Ryouga in the teen angst
department.
Originally this story was going to be a 'Ryouga Wanders Into
Seattle' story, but I got a better idea while perusing my CD
stacks and rocked with that instead. Read on and enjoy.
Commentary is always welcome at gagne@locust.cic.net, and you can
ftp to etext.archive.umich.edu is you want to peruse my cyberpunk
humor series, A Future We'd Like to See.
Depending on how well this story does, I might write more
Ranma fanfic or do a FWLS/Ranma crossrip episode. (Help was
slightly inspired by Ryouga, after all. Gotta dig umbrella
warriors.) I will certainly be completing March of the Pigs,
regardless of response. Don't worry folks; parts 2 and onward
are on the way.
Since I've just seen the Vizzies and read synopses (and read
two, count 'em, two manga... anybody wanna donate me a few more?)
some characters will be a tad OOC. Nothing worse than has been
seen before in fanfic, though. I tried script format, but I'm
not used to writing that way, so it'll be paragraph.
Despite the nin-spin, this probably won't be very dark. I
mostly liked the pun apparent in the word 'pig' which matches Mr.
Reznor's lovely pork fetish. :) Plus, some songs made
delightfully surreal openers, which I did in script format anyway
because I liked the effect...
This series is dedicated to all otakus who can't afford to
pay thirty bucks for two episodes of Ranma, and to any aspiring
fanfiction writers who think about stuff like replacing Kilgore
in Apocalypse Now with Kunou. You are the hope of the future.
-=-
+-------------------------------------------+
| Mastered for optimal performance |
|in readability and character recognition...|
+-------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------------+
| The audience is reading |
| |
| #### ##### ##### ###### ###### |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ###### #### ## ## ## |
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+------------------------------------+
Night fell over Tokyo. The neon turned on downtown, as the
streetlamps in the more suburban districts lit up. Nerima was as
placid as usual that evening, which is to say not very placid at
all. Akane was screaming.
Akane backed up, bumping into the bathroom sink. She gazed
on in terror as Ryouga sheepishly tried to cover himself up by
sinking into the hot bath further.
"Ryouga... you're... you're..." she stammered.
"Err... I can explain, Akane--"
"P-CHAN!!!" she screamed, in horrifying conclusion.
"Kinda," Ryouga offered.
The sink impacted against Ryouga's forehead, knocking him
backwards into the bath with a splash. Akane yelled again.
"But I've even had P-Chan in BED with me... and to think all
this time it was YOU!" Akane screamed, pulling a large
transdimensional wooden mallet out from thin air.
"Now... let's not be too hasty," Ryouga pleaded just before
impact.
Ryouga was knocked through the door, slammed through a solid
wall and arced across the Tendo back yard, landing in the tiny
pond with a wet THUNK, dojo-bits raining down in the water with
him. He crawled out, 1/8th the man he used to be, sputtering and
wheezing.
"I HATE YOU!" Akane shouted through the Ryouga-shaped hole
in the wall. "I don't want to see you around here again! I love
Ranma, not you!!"
P-Chan squealed, his squeals carried off by the winds to the
uncaring ears of the Tokyo evening.
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS
(musical insert : Help me I am in Hell (NIN Halo 5
track 4))
P-Chan tumbled in the water, swirling around his own curse
and misery, away from Akane's face in the window, towards the
bottom of it all...
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT
The toilet of life flushed him down, his hopes and dreams
swirling by as grey afterimages, spiraling down...
RANMA 1/2 :
Nothing was left for P-Chan, except for his own piggy
exterior and mangled wishes...
MARCH OF THE PIGS
"NOOOOOO!" Ryouga screamed, sitting bolt upright in his
sleeping back, coated in a thin layer of sweat. He panted,
looking around the makeshift forest camp site. He climbed out
and stumbled to the river, splashing water on his face to chase
away the nightmare... only to look back at his new reflection,
and realize the nightmare would never end.
A pair of eyes watched him from the trees, around ankle
height. "Bwee," the eyes muttered to themselves, intrigued. A
pair of blood-red eyes snapped open next to them, narrowing on
Ryouga...
PART 1 : ALL THE PIGS LINED UP
Dawn soaked itself over the forest in its own good time.
Ryouga grumbled, pulling his shirt on. It was maddening,
trying to get his cooking pot boiling while in pig form... at
least Ranma had opposable thumbs and could cure himself in a few
minutes. Ryouga, on the other hand, was doomed to spend a lot of
his life looking for heated liquids. It just wasn't fair.
He had been wandering Japan for weeks now, after finally
succeeding in asking Akane out on a date. She accepted... mostly
because she was annoyed at another of Ranma's recent cracks about
her tomboyish nature. Ranma just didn't get it. Akane was
certainly no tomboy, she was a goddess to the entire male
population of Furikan, Ryouga inclusive. To them, though, she
was just the hottest date of the century... nobody appreciated
her like Ryouga did.
Only to have them separated by his own directional sense,
for three weeks now... she'd probably never speak to him again
for breaking the date. She'd talk to P-CHAN, of course, probably
tell him what a jerk that Ryouga is, and he'd have to take it.
It was the only way he could be closer to her.
The curse. The curse was truly a curse of curses... if she
ever were to find out who her pet piggy was, Ryouga's chances
would be down the abyss faster than nine point eight meters per
second per second. The curse of his own guidance as well,
keeping them apart in time and space. Finally, the curse of
RANMA, the ultimate reason for his agony and the constant
stumbling block in his attempts to win the heart of the fair
Akane...
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, which were
always very receptive to his war cries, "TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL
CRUSH YOU!"
The wind responded with a high pitched whine, that of an
incoming object, and a soccer ball bounced off Ryouga's head,
throwing him off balance. He quickly recovered, and looked
around to check the source of the offending sports equipment.
"Ryouga?" Ukyou asked, walking in from between the trees, in
her school gym uniform. "What're you doing here?"
"Ukyou?" Ryouga asked, confused. "What are you doing in
Okinawa?"
"Okinawa? You're in the woods behind the school, silly.
Where'd the ball go?"
Ryouga pointed weakly, and Ukyou quickly grabbed the ball.
"By the way," she said, pausing in her exit, "I couldn't help but
overhear you there. Could you do me a favor and crush Ran-chan
tomorrow? I've got this new recipe of okonomiyaki I want to try
on him, since Akane is supposedly cooking dinner for them
tonight."
"Revenge has no set times," Ryouga said testily, crossing
his arms.
"That's great! So you'll crush him tomorrow instead.
Thanks! Drop by Ucchan's for a free lunch sometime," she said,
waving and heading back towards the athletic field.
"Er..." Ryouga started, but the chef was already gone.
Great. He was tricked into promising not to pound Ranma today.
He could wait, though; he had waited so long already, he
could certainly wait another day.
"I'll just count the minutes until tomorrow, then go find
Ranma and destroy him," Ryouga concluded, pulling an old
stopwatch from his backpack.
Time passed.
"One," he counted.
"Bwee," a voice near his ankle offered.
Ryouga looked down. Nudging his foot was a small white
piglet, freshly groomed with a cute bow tied around its neck.
"Hey there," he said, scratching it behind the ears. "You
lost? Sorry I can't be of much help. I'm too busy counting.
One point three."
"Bweee!" it pleaded.
"Not now. One point four."
The piglet helpfully bit Ryouga's leg. Ryouga yelped,
jumping away from the piglet. It glared at him, desiring
attention.
Ryouga backed off, palming his stopwatch. The piglet
advanced, and began chasing him around the campsite, bweeing all
the way.
"I don't have time for this!" Ryouga complained, and
squatted down to scoop up the piglet. He carried it, squealing,
to a nearby tree and in a yellow-and-black blur had it tied to
the trunk and gagged.
"That's better. Now I need to start over. Zero point--"
The ground shook as a bass-loaded growl of anger floated out
of the trees. Ryouga turned slowly, and was greeted by a pair of
red eyes, glowing fire-red in malevolence.
The eyes charged, a brown blur that whipped by Ryouga at
near sonic speeds. The blur skidded to a halt, turning around to
make another pass.
"A boar?" Ryouga asked, intrigued. The mohawked boar
growled at him, tusks gleaming, as it charged. Ryouga was
trampled, leaving a perfectly straight line of hoofprints up his
frontside.
The boar slid to a halt, quite pleased with itself. It
began banging on the tree Ryouga had tied the piglet to, trying
to knock it over.
"Alright..." Ryouga growled, getting back to his feet and
bearing his poor dental work at the boar. "If it's a fight you
want..."
Ryouga slowly and deliberately pulled out his depleted
uranium umbrella, holding it ahead of him like the most majestic
of swords. The umbrella clearly WANTED to glint light and make a
pingggg noise, if it could. This wasn't an umbrella for keeping
the rain and shine away, it was an umbrella for bashing heads in
a graceful yet devastating manner.
The boar snorted, and reared back for another charge, legs
spinning into a blur as it bolted forward. Ryouga was ready for
it, and deflected the charging animal with a simple flick of the
wrist, sending it sprawling into his cooking pot. Hot water
splashed over the area, putting the fire out.
"Hmph. Weak attack, pig," Ryouga gloated before two meaty
hands wrapped around his neck and lifted him two feet off the
ground.
"Pig?" a mohawked man laughed, keeping Ryouga aloft with his
grip. "You're one to talk, pal."
Ryouga regained his wits and pried the man's fingers apart.
The man stood there, naked and unalarmed.
"You wanna fight, I don't. Just talk. You go get water and
start boiling it for us," he motioned, pointing to the river. "I
gotta go get our pack."
Ryouga, enraged already, was in no mood to play fetch for
this man. The man shrugged, picked him up and tossed him in the
river.
P-Chan scrambled up the banks as the man finished changing
into his clothes, donning a cowboy hat and a t-shirt reading
HOW'S YOUR PORK?. The man blinked at the sopping wet piglet.
"Crap. Sorry, forgot. I'll get the water myself," he said,
taking Ryouga's cooking pot and filling it at the river, avoiding
P-Chan's claws and teeth. He plunked it on the fire and calmly
waited for it to boil.
P-Chan walked up beside the man, dejected, and sat down.
Not much else he could do, until the water was done.
The man tested the water with his pinky finger. "Hot
enough," he grunted, and poured a little on Ryouga, turning
around to allow Ryouga to get dressed. "It's a good pot. Boils
quick. Beats my canteen by far."
"Who are you, anyway?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his umbrella
off the ground.
"Just wandering," the man said, starting to go through
Ryouga's campsite. "You got any smokes? Food? Something other
than hot water?"
"Hey! That's my stuff!" Ryouga protested. The man held him
at arms length.
"Lesse... instant ramen... some postcards... beef jerky!
Jackpot!" he said, pulling out a ziplock baggie. "Here, take the
water. I'd advise ducking after you do it."
"Do what?" Ryouga asked, grasping the warm pot.
"Change her back," the man said, pointing to the piglet tied
to the tree. "I don't think she'll be in a rather good mood--"
Ryouga had already started dousing the pet-show piglet with
water. The piglet grew in less than a second, breaking the weak
knots in the bandannas. She reached out and throttled Ryouga.
"I came here to have a simple conversation and you TIE ME TO
A TREE?!" she exclaimed, ratting the boy around.
"Sheesh, Charlotte, go put your dress on," the man said,
reaching into his pack and tossing a blue garment at the girl.
"You'll either strangle the boy or embarrass him to death."
"Hmm? Oh," she said, looking down at herself. "One
second."
She pounced for the trees, grabbing the gown on her way
there, leaping like a jaguar and vanishing into the underbrush.
She emerged a second later, clad in a simple long dress that
matched the color of the blue bow in her hair.
"Sorry about that," she said. "Jusenkyo side effect. You'd
think whoever designed those pools would at least include your
outfit in the transformation... that's how it's done in cartoons,
at least... not proper magic by any standard..."
"J... jusenkyo?" Ryouga stammered. "You two are cursed?"
"Just as much as you," Charlotte said, grinning.
"Hey, *I*'m not cursed," Ryouga protested.
"Hardly. We saw your little problem this morning,"
Charlotte smiled.
Ryouga slumped down, head in his hands. "Okay, I'm cursed.
I admit it. It's the horror of my existence. The one thing that
keeps me away from my only love in life..."
"Beef jerky?" the man suggested.
"Don't be crass, Buford," Charlotte scolded. "He means the
girl he mentioned earlier. Akane, right?"
"You have no idea," Ryouga said. "It's awful. She thinks
I'm her pet pig. It's the only time I get to spend with her,
because of that stupid fiancee of hers knowing about me. I'm
supposed to be out on a date with her... three weeks ago. I've
been lost since."
"Ooch," the girl admitted.
"It's so depressing... I just... want to... ARGH! ROARING
LION BULLET!!!" Ryouga screamed, casting a ki-blast off in a
random direction. The yellow sphere of power carved its way
through the trees before fading away a hundred feet into the
woods.
Buford sat there, bits of beef jerky not yet in his mouth
and hat singed. "Yaaah," he managed.
"Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "Lately, that's been the only
way I can let off steam. It's hopeless."
"Hmmmm," Charlotte hummed, leaning on a palm. "I have an
idea..."
"Whoa. Hold, time out. Charlotte, may I speak to you a
minute?" Buford said, leading the young girl aside.
"Something wrong?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and
pouting.
"Don't give me that kawaii deal, you know it doesn't work on
me. We don't got TIME to play Story Meddler here. I know you
just love to make stops every now and then and play matchmaker,
but we're on a tight schedule here. Being chased? Hunted?
Pursued? Any of this ringing a bell?"
"Come on, Buford. Victor's a day or two behind us at
least."
"Probably laying a trap as we speak," Buford warned. "You
know how he is. We can't afford to have you play roaming fair
godmother this time."
"Alright, alright. We came to this guy looking for a quick
food stop, right?" Charlotte said. "You heard what that girl
said, he has a free meal coming. Let's cash in on that and run."
"You're not going to goof off and play storyteller?"
"I solemnly swear that I will not fail to attempt to ignore
any nonexistent obligations to help out this boy," she swore.
"Umm... okay," Buford said. "A promise is a promise. Hey,
boy!"
"It's Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga corrected.
"Yeah. We're starving, Hibiki. You got a coupon for this
Ucchan's place?"
"I guess so... I can't do anything today anyway, now that I
promised," Ryouga said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "I can
show you the way..."
*
"It's just around this corner, really," Ryouga insisted.
Buford's stomach growled in protest. He grabbed it, trying
to quell the noise. "That's what you said six corners around,
Ryouga. I know Tokyo's pretty cryptic, but this is nuts."
"Nothing wrong with a stroll in the open air," Charlotte
insisted. "So tell me, Ryouga, this Ranma fellow... he has
*three* fiancees?"
"Four, if you count self-appointed ones," Ryouga noted.
"The hentai fool seems to be a woman magnet. The only one that
doesn't really like him is Akane, but she's stuck in it thanks to
Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome."
"How'd you manage to ask an engaged person out on a date?"
"It's fairly loose. Neither Akane or Ranma like it. Why
they don't just break it off I don't know... and why Ranma keeps
interfering when I try to talk to Akane, I don't know. It's like
he wants to keep her in complete misery, alone and friendless,
just as he's managed to do to me!"
"Food," Buford insisted.
"Ucchan's is right around the corner," Ryouga said, turning
the corner and facing a dead end. The trio paused.
"Where'd it go?" Ryouga wondered, looking around.
"Forget this," Buford said, pulling a map out of his
backpack. "I wanna eat. Alright. What's the address again?"
*
Ucchan's wasn't terribly packed, leaving them quite a
selection of tables. Charlotte immediately homed in on one in
the corner, overlooking the restaurant but hidden by a large
plant. The two men shrugged and followed.
"What do they serve here?" Charlotte asked.
"I wanna burger," Buford whined. "Some good american food."
"Okonomiyaki. I'm guessing you don't get that in america,"
Ryouga said. "It's quite good. One of the few treats I have
left in life. Ukyou!"
A spatula poked up from behind the counter, followed by
Ukyou. She blinked. "Ryouga! Here to claim that free meal, I
see. Umm. Ryouga, I meant food for one person..."
"It's okay, these are... friends from out of town," Ryouga
grinned, putting his best lying face on (which wasn't very
convincing).
"Alright. I suppose it won't hurt too much. Three
okonomiyakis coming up!" she beamed, and ducked back behind the
counter.
"She's one of the fiancees, right?" Charlotte asked.
"Yeah. Her and someone at a chinese restaurant down the
street. It's simply absurd, the number of people chasing him..."
"Hope this is fast food," Buford said, looking around the
restaurant anxiously. "We're in a bit of a hurry."
"Tosh, Buford. We can have some idle conversation."
"Idle conversation? You've been giving him the third
degree!"
"Third what?" Ryouga asked.
"Alright, I'll make it fair. Ryouga, you can ask me
anything you want about me and my partner here," Charlotte
offered, resting her chin on her palms. "Fire away."
"Ummm..." Ryouga started, not sure what to ask. "Well...
you're cursed too, right?"
"Correct. I fell in the... well, my chinese is really
awful. It was a spring where an escaped high class piglet
drowned three weeks ago."
"Three weeks?" Ryouga asked.
"Not all of the pools are ancient, you know," she said. "I
was on vacation with my family... we're from France, own a very
nice vineyard and attend a lot of posh parties. Frightfully
dull. Anyway, my stupid little brother somehow talked me into
jumping in."
"It must be awful."
"Not really. It's quite fun. You can sneak around and spy
on people and generally learn a lot as a pig," she grinned.
"Your curse isn't THAT bad, Ryouga, just the situation it got you
into. Problems have solutions, though. For instance, your--"
"And me, I was on exchange from Austin University and fell
into a boar drowning pool," Buford interrupted. "Question and
answer session is over. Where's that food?"
Three plates flopped down on the table, spinning to a halt
after coasting through the air towards the table and impacting in
such a way as not to disturb the food on them.
"Three okonomiyaki," Ukyou replied, bowing. "If there's
anything else you need, just call."
Buford salivated, and quickly started wolfing his down.
Charlotte shrugged, and began to eat hers bit by bit.
"You must be pretty hungry," Ryouga commented.
"Mmmph. Haven't had a good meal in awhile," Buford said
between bites.
"We've been travelling, just as you have been," Charlotte
added. "We're being hunted."
Buford choked on his food, but Charlotte pretended not to
notice. "I ran away from home, you see. They want me back
before anybody finds out that--"
Several tables near the door overturned, as chaos entered
via the front door. Buford resumed choking, as all heads (all
four of them) in Ucchan's turned to see what the racket was.
"Get back here, ya little squirt!" Ranma yelled, chasing...
something through the restaurant. Akane darted in after him,
looking worried.
"What's wrong, Akane?" Ryouga asked, quickly getting out of
his chair to be by her side.
"Well... he's been gone for weeks... and when we finally
found him, he ran off again. We're lucky we cornered him here,"
Akane said.
"Umm... who?"
"P-Chan," Akane said. "Did you get him, Ranma?"
"Right here," Ranma said, grip wavering as the tiny black
piglet in his hands tried to wiggle away. He turned to face
Akane. "I... RYOUGA??!"
"What? What?" Ryouga asked.
"But... P-Chan... you..." Ranma stammered, confused.
Ryouga's gaze fell on the tiny piglet. It WAS P-Chan...
right down to the wide eyes and the pink snout and the look of
terror on its face.
"P-Chan!" Akane cheered, running forward to hug her piggy.
"P-Chan?" Ranma repeated.
"P-Chan," Ryouga nodded, grinning.
"Victor," Charlotte grumbled.
END - Part 1
(Closing Theme : Don't Mind Lay-Lay Boy (Opal))
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.
Part 1
A Ranma 1/2 FanFic by Stefan "Twoflower" Gagne
(All characters copyright Rumiko-san, obviously. If I ever
even considered claiming that these were my own characters
I'd probably be thrown into a small cell where I'd be forced
to eat my own legs to live.)
-=-
A few background notes before we begin.
Recently, me and the fine folks down at the Bijou Saxon have
been getting addicted to Viz's lovely dubbed Ranma 1/2 series.
(I will NOT start talking about dub vs. sub, don't worry) We all
agree on a few points :
1. Mousse kicks ass.
2. Happosai must die.
3. Cobain had NOTHING on Ryouga in the teen angst
department.
Originally this story was going to be a 'Ryouga Wanders Into
Seattle' story, but I got a better idea while perusing my CD
stacks and rocked with that instead. Read on and enjoy.
Commentary is always welcome at gagne@locust.cic.net, and you can
ftp to etext.archive.umich.edu is you want to peruse my cyberpunk
humor series, A Future We'd Like to See.
Depending on how well this story does, I might write more
Ranma fanfic or do a FWLS/Ranma crossrip episode. (Help was
slightly inspired by Ryouga, after all. Gotta dig umbrella
warriors.) I will certainly be completing March of the Pigs,
regardless of response. Don't worry folks; parts 2 and onward
are on the way.
Since I've just seen the Vizzies and read synopses (and read
two, count 'em, two manga... anybody wanna donate me a few more?)
some characters will be a tad OOC. Nothing worse than has been
seen before in fanfic, though. I tried script format, but I'm
not used to writing that way, so it'll be paragraph.
Despite the nin-spin, this probably won't be very dark. I
mostly liked the pun apparent in the word 'pig' which matches Mr.
Reznor's lovely pork fetish. :) Plus, some songs made
delightfully surreal openers, which I did in script format anyway
because I liked the effect...
This series is dedicated to all otakus who can't afford to
pay thirty bucks for two episodes of Ranma, and to any aspiring
fanfiction writers who think about stuff like replacing Kilgore
in Apocalypse Now with Kunou. You are the hope of the future.
-=-
+-------------------------------------------+
| Mastered for optimal performance |
|in readability and character recognition...|
+-------------------------------------------+
+------------------------------------+
| The audience is reading |
| |
| #### ##### ##### ###### ###### |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ###### #### ## ## ## |
| ## ## ## ## ## ## |
| ## ## ##### ##### ###### ###### |
+------------------------------------+
Night fell over Tokyo. The neon turned on downtown, as the
streetlamps in the more suburban districts lit up. Nerima was as
placid as usual that evening, which is to say not very placid at
all. Akane was screaming.
Akane backed up, bumping into the bathroom sink. She gazed
on in terror as Ryouga sheepishly tried to cover himself up by
sinking into the hot bath further.
"Ryouga... you're... you're..." she stammered.
"Err... I can explain, Akane--"
"P-CHAN!!!" she screamed, in horrifying conclusion.
"Kinda," Ryouga offered.
The sink impacted against Ryouga's forehead, knocking him
backwards into the bath with a splash. Akane yelled again.
"But I've even had P-Chan in BED with me... and to think all
this time it was YOU!" Akane screamed, pulling a large
transdimensional wooden mallet out from thin air.
"Now... let's not be too hasty," Ryouga pleaded just before
impact.
Ryouga was knocked through the door, slammed through a solid
wall and arced across the Tendo back yard, landing in the tiny
pond with a wet THUNK, dojo-bits raining down in the water with
him. He crawled out, 1/8th the man he used to be, sputtering and
wheezing.
"I HATE YOU!" Akane shouted through the Ryouga-shaped hole
in the wall. "I don't want to see you around here again! I love
Ranma, not you!!"
P-Chan squealed, his squeals carried off by the winds to the
uncaring ears of the Tokyo evening.
REC.ARTS.ANIME.STORIES PRESENTS
(musical insert : Help me I am in Hell (NIN Halo 5
track 4))
P-Chan tumbled in the water, swirling around his own curse
and misery, away from Akane's face in the window, towards the
bottom of it all...
IN ASSOCIATION WITH FANFICTION WE'D LIKE TO SEE AND NOTHING/TVT
The toilet of life flushed him down, his hopes and dreams
swirling by as grey afterimages, spiraling down...
RANMA 1/2 :
Nothing was left for P-Chan, except for his own piggy
exterior and mangled wishes...
MARCH OF THE PIGS
"NOOOOOO!" Ryouga screamed, sitting bolt upright in his
sleeping back, coated in a thin layer of sweat. He panted,
looking around the makeshift forest camp site. He climbed out
and stumbled to the river, splashing water on his face to chase
away the nightmare... only to look back at his new reflection,
and realize the nightmare would never end.
A pair of eyes watched him from the trees, around ankle
height. "Bwee," the eyes muttered to themselves, intrigued. A
pair of blood-red eyes snapped open next to them, narrowing on
Ryouga...
PART 1 : ALL THE PIGS LINED UP
Dawn soaked itself over the forest in its own good time.
Ryouga grumbled, pulling his shirt on. It was maddening,
trying to get his cooking pot boiling while in pig form... at
least Ranma had opposable thumbs and could cure himself in a few
minutes. Ryouga, on the other hand, was doomed to spend a lot of
his life looking for heated liquids. It just wasn't fair.
He had been wandering Japan for weeks now, after finally
succeeding in asking Akane out on a date. She accepted... mostly
because she was annoyed at another of Ranma's recent cracks about
her tomboyish nature. Ranma just didn't get it. Akane was
certainly no tomboy, she was a goddess to the entire male
population of Furikan, Ryouga inclusive. To them, though, she
was just the hottest date of the century... nobody appreciated
her like Ryouga did.
Only to have them separated by his own directional sense,
for three weeks now... she'd probably never speak to him again
for breaking the date. She'd talk to P-CHAN, of course, probably
tell him what a jerk that Ryouga is, and he'd have to take it.
It was the only way he could be closer to her.
The curse. The curse was truly a curse of curses... if she
ever were to find out who her pet piggy was, Ryouga's chances
would be down the abyss faster than nine point eight meters per
second per second. The curse of his own guidance as well,
keeping them apart in time and space. Finally, the curse of
RANMA, the ultimate reason for his agony and the constant
stumbling block in his attempts to win the heart of the fair
Akane...
"RANMA SAOTOME!" Ryouga called to the winds, which were
always very receptive to his war cries, "TODAY IS THE DAY I WILL
CRUSH YOU!"
The wind responded with a high pitched whine, that of an
incoming object, and a soccer ball bounced off Ryouga's head,
throwing him off balance. He quickly recovered, and looked
around to check the source of the offending sports equipment.
"Ryouga?" Ukyou asked, walking in from between the trees, in
her school gym uniform. "What're you doing here?"
"Ukyou?" Ryouga asked, confused. "What are you doing in
Okinawa?"
"Okinawa? You're in the woods behind the school, silly.
Where'd the ball go?"
Ryouga pointed weakly, and Ukyou quickly grabbed the ball.
"By the way," she said, pausing in her exit, "I couldn't help but
overhear you there. Could you do me a favor and crush Ran-chan
tomorrow? I've got this new recipe of okonomiyaki I want to try
on him, since Akane is supposedly cooking dinner for them
tonight."
"Revenge has no set times," Ryouga said testily, crossing
his arms.
"That's great! So you'll crush him tomorrow instead.
Thanks! Drop by Ucchan's for a free lunch sometime," she said,
waving and heading back towards the athletic field.
"Er..." Ryouga started, but the chef was already gone.
Great. He was tricked into promising not to pound Ranma today.
He could wait, though; he had waited so long already, he
could certainly wait another day.
"I'll just count the minutes until tomorrow, then go find
Ranma and destroy him," Ryouga concluded, pulling an old
stopwatch from his backpack.
Time passed.
"One," he counted.
"Bwee," a voice near his ankle offered.
Ryouga looked down. Nudging his foot was a small white
piglet, freshly groomed with a cute bow tied around its neck.
"Hey there," he said, scratching it behind the ears. "You
lost? Sorry I can't be of much help. I'm too busy counting.
One point three."
"Bweee!" it pleaded.
"Not now. One point four."
The piglet helpfully bit Ryouga's leg. Ryouga yelped,
jumping away from the piglet. It glared at him, desiring
attention.
Ryouga backed off, palming his stopwatch. The piglet
advanced, and began chasing him around the campsite, bweeing all
the way.
"I don't have time for this!" Ryouga complained, and
squatted down to scoop up the piglet. He carried it, squealing,
to a nearby tree and in a yellow-and-black blur had it tied to
the trunk and gagged.
"That's better. Now I need to start over. Zero point--"
The ground shook as a bass-loaded growl of anger floated out
of the trees. Ryouga turned slowly, and was greeted by a pair of
red eyes, glowing fire-red in malevolence.
The eyes charged, a brown blur that whipped by Ryouga at
near sonic speeds. The blur skidded to a halt, turning around to
make another pass.
"A boar?" Ryouga asked, intrigued. The mohawked boar
growled at him, tusks gleaming, as it charged. Ryouga was
trampled, leaving a perfectly straight line of hoofprints up his
frontside.
The boar slid to a halt, quite pleased with itself. It
began banging on the tree Ryouga had tied the piglet to, trying
to knock it over.
"Alright..." Ryouga growled, getting back to his feet and
bearing his poor dental work at the boar. "If it's a fight you
want..."
Ryouga slowly and deliberately pulled out his depleted
uranium umbrella, holding it ahead of him like the most majestic
of swords. The umbrella clearly WANTED to glint light and make a
pingggg noise, if it could. This wasn't an umbrella for keeping
the rain and shine away, it was an umbrella for bashing heads in
a graceful yet devastating manner.
The boar snorted, and reared back for another charge, legs
spinning into a blur as it bolted forward. Ryouga was ready for
it, and deflected the charging animal with a simple flick of the
wrist, sending it sprawling into his cooking pot. Hot water
splashed over the area, putting the fire out.
"Hmph. Weak attack, pig," Ryouga gloated before two meaty
hands wrapped around his neck and lifted him two feet off the
ground.
"Pig?" a mohawked man laughed, keeping Ryouga aloft with his
grip. "You're one to talk, pal."
Ryouga regained his wits and pried the man's fingers apart.
The man stood there, naked and unalarmed.
"You wanna fight, I don't. Just talk. You go get water and
start boiling it for us," he motioned, pointing to the river. "I
gotta go get our pack."
Ryouga, enraged already, was in no mood to play fetch for
this man. The man shrugged, picked him up and tossed him in the
river.
P-Chan scrambled up the banks as the man finished changing
into his clothes, donning a cowboy hat and a t-shirt reading
HOW'S YOUR PORK?. The man blinked at the sopping wet piglet.
"Crap. Sorry, forgot. I'll get the water myself," he said,
taking Ryouga's cooking pot and filling it at the river, avoiding
P-Chan's claws and teeth. He plunked it on the fire and calmly
waited for it to boil.
P-Chan walked up beside the man, dejected, and sat down.
Not much else he could do, until the water was done.
The man tested the water with his pinky finger. "Hot
enough," he grunted, and poured a little on Ryouga, turning
around to allow Ryouga to get dressed. "It's a good pot. Boils
quick. Beats my canteen by far."
"Who are you, anyway?" Ryouga asked, grabbing his umbrella
off the ground.
"Just wandering," the man said, starting to go through
Ryouga's campsite. "You got any smokes? Food? Something other
than hot water?"
"Hey! That's my stuff!" Ryouga protested. The man held him
at arms length.
"Lesse... instant ramen... some postcards... beef jerky!
Jackpot!" he said, pulling out a ziplock baggie. "Here, take the
water. I'd advise ducking after you do it."
"Do what?" Ryouga asked, grasping the warm pot.
"Change her back," the man said, pointing to the piglet tied
to the tree. "I don't think she'll be in a rather good mood--"
Ryouga had already started dousing the pet-show piglet with
water. The piglet grew in less than a second, breaking the weak
knots in the bandannas. She reached out and throttled Ryouga.
"I came here to have a simple conversation and you TIE ME TO
A TREE?!" she exclaimed, ratting the boy around.
"Sheesh, Charlotte, go put your dress on," the man said,
reaching into his pack and tossing a blue garment at the girl.
"You'll either strangle the boy or embarrass him to death."
"Hmm? Oh," she said, looking down at herself. "One
second."
She pounced for the trees, grabbing the gown on her way
there, leaping like a jaguar and vanishing into the underbrush.
She emerged a second later, clad in a simple long dress that
matched the color of the blue bow in her hair.
"Sorry about that," she said. "Jusenkyo side effect. You'd
think whoever designed those pools would at least include your
outfit in the transformation... that's how it's done in cartoons,
at least... not proper magic by any standard..."
"J... jusenkyo?" Ryouga stammered. "You two are cursed?"
"Just as much as you," Charlotte said, grinning.
"Hey, *I*'m not cursed," Ryouga protested.
"Hardly. We saw your little problem this morning,"
Charlotte smiled.
Ryouga slumped down, head in his hands. "Okay, I'm cursed.
I admit it. It's the horror of my existence. The one thing that
keeps me away from my only love in life..."
"Beef jerky?" the man suggested.
"Don't be crass, Buford," Charlotte scolded. "He means the
girl he mentioned earlier. Akane, right?"
"You have no idea," Ryouga said. "It's awful. She thinks
I'm her pet pig. It's the only time I get to spend with her,
because of that stupid fiancee of hers knowing about me. I'm
supposed to be out on a date with her... three weeks ago. I've
been lost since."
"Ooch," the girl admitted.
"It's so depressing... I just... want to... ARGH! ROARING
LION BULLET!!!" Ryouga screamed, casting a ki-blast off in a
random direction. The yellow sphere of power carved its way
through the trees before fading away a hundred feet into the
woods.
Buford sat there, bits of beef jerky not yet in his mouth
and hat singed. "Yaaah," he managed.
"Sorry," Ryouga apologized. "Lately, that's been the only
way I can let off steam. It's hopeless."
"Hmmmm," Charlotte hummed, leaning on a palm. "I have an
idea..."
"Whoa. Hold, time out. Charlotte, may I speak to you a
minute?" Buford said, leading the young girl aside.
"Something wrong?" she asked, batting her eyelashes and
pouting.
"Don't give me that kawaii deal, you know it doesn't work on
me. We don't got TIME to play Story Meddler here. I know you
just love to make stops every now and then and play matchmaker,
but we're on a tight schedule here. Being chased? Hunted?
Pursued? Any of this ringing a bell?"
"Come on, Buford. Victor's a day or two behind us at
least."
"Probably laying a trap as we speak," Buford warned. "You
know how he is. We can't afford to have you play roaming fair
godmother this time."
"Alright, alright. We came to this guy looking for a quick
food stop, right?" Charlotte said. "You heard what that girl
said, he has a free meal coming. Let's cash in on that and run."
"You're not going to goof off and play storyteller?"
"I solemnly swear that I will not fail to attempt to ignore
any nonexistent obligations to help out this boy," she swore.
"Umm... okay," Buford said. "A promise is a promise. Hey,
boy!"
"It's Ryouga Hibiki," Ryouga corrected.
"Yeah. We're starving, Hibiki. You got a coupon for this
Ucchan's place?"
"I guess so... I can't do anything today anyway, now that I
promised," Ryouga said, a hint of bitterness in his tone. "I can
show you the way..."
*
"It's just around this corner, really," Ryouga insisted.
Buford's stomach growled in protest. He grabbed it, trying
to quell the noise. "That's what you said six corners around,
Ryouga. I know Tokyo's pretty cryptic, but this is nuts."
"Nothing wrong with a stroll in the open air," Charlotte
insisted. "So tell me, Ryouga, this Ranma fellow... he has
*three* fiancees?"
"Four, if you count self-appointed ones," Ryouga noted.
"The hentai fool seems to be a woman magnet. The only one that
doesn't really like him is Akane, but she's stuck in it thanks to
Mr. Tendo and Mr. Saotome."
"How'd you manage to ask an engaged person out on a date?"
"It's fairly loose. Neither Akane or Ranma like it. Why
they don't just break it off I don't know... and why Ranma keeps
interfering when I try to talk to Akane, I don't know. It's like
he wants to keep her in complete misery, alone and friendless,
just as he's managed to do to me!"
"Food," Buford insisted.
"Ucchan's is right around the corner," Ryouga said, turning
the corner and facing a dead end. The trio paused.
"Where'd it go?" Ryouga wondered, looking around.
"Forget this," Buford said, pulling a map out of his
backpack. "I wanna eat. Alright. What's the address again?"
*
Ucchan's wasn't terribly packed, leaving them quite a
selection of tables. Charlotte immediately homed in on one in
the corner, overlooking the restaurant but hidden by a large
plant. The two men shrugged and followed.
"What do they serve here?" Charlotte asked.
"I wanna burger," Buford whined. "Some good american food."
"Okonomiyaki. I'm guessing you don't get that in america,"
Ryouga said. "It's quite good. One of the few treats I have
left in life. Ukyou!"
A spatula poked up from behind the counter, followed by
Ukyou. She blinked. "Ryouga! Here to claim that free meal, I
see. Umm. Ryouga, I meant food for one person..."
"It's okay, these are... friends from out of town," Ryouga
grinned, putting his best lying face on (which wasn't very
convincing).
"Alright. I suppose it won't hurt too much. Three
okonomiyakis coming up!" she beamed, and ducked back behind the
counter.
"She's one of the fiancees, right?" Charlotte asked.
"Yeah. Her and someone at a chinese restaurant down the
street. It's simply absurd, the number of people chasing him..."
"Hope this is fast food," Buford said, looking around the
restaurant anxiously. "We're in a bit of a hurry."
"Tosh, Buford. We can have some idle conversation."
"Idle conversation? You've been giving him the third
degree!"
"Third what?" Ryouga asked.
"Alright, I'll make it fair. Ryouga, you can ask me
anything you want about me and my partner here," Charlotte
offered, resting her chin on her palms. "Fire away."
"Ummm..." Ryouga started, not sure what to ask. "Well...
you're cursed too, right?"
"Correct. I fell in the... well, my chinese is really
awful. It was a spring where an escaped high class piglet
drowned three weeks ago."
"Three weeks?" Ryouga asked.
"Not all of the pools are ancient, you know," she said. "I
was on vacation with my family... we're from France, own a very
nice vineyard and attend a lot of posh parties. Frightfully
dull. Anyway, my stupid little brother somehow talked me into
jumping in."
"It must be awful."
"Not really. It's quite fun. You can sneak around and spy
on people and generally learn a lot as a pig," she grinned.
"Your curse isn't THAT bad, Ryouga, just the situation it got you
into. Problems have solutions, though. For instance, your--"
"And me, I was on exchange from Austin University and fell
into a boar drowning pool," Buford interrupted. "Question and
answer session is over. Where's that food?"
Three plates flopped down on the table, spinning to a halt
after coasting through the air towards the table and impacting in
such a way as not to disturb the food on them.
"Three okonomiyaki," Ukyou replied, bowing. "If there's
anything else you need, just call."
Buford salivated, and quickly started wolfing his down.
Charlotte shrugged, and began to eat hers bit by bit.
"You must be pretty hungry," Ryouga commented.
"Mmmph. Haven't had a good meal in awhile," Buford said
between bites.
"We've been travelling, just as you have been," Charlotte
added. "We're being hunted."
Buford choked on his food, but Charlotte pretended not to
notice. "I ran away from home, you see. They want me back
before anybody finds out that--"
Several tables near the door overturned, as chaos entered
via the front door. Buford resumed choking, as all heads (all
four of them) in Ucchan's turned to see what the racket was.
"Get back here, ya little squirt!" Ranma yelled, chasing...
something through the restaurant. Akane darted in after him,
looking worried.
"What's wrong, Akane?" Ryouga asked, quickly getting out of
his chair to be by her side.
"Well... he's been gone for weeks... and when we finally
found him, he ran off again. We're lucky we cornered him here,"
Akane said.
"Umm... who?"
"P-Chan," Akane said. "Did you get him, Ranma?"
"Right here," Ranma said, grip wavering as the tiny black
piglet in his hands tried to wiggle away. He turned to face
Akane. "I... RYOUGA??!"
"What? What?" Ryouga asked.
"But... P-Chan... you..." Ranma stammered, confused.
Ryouga's gaze fell on the tiny piglet. It WAS P-Chan...
right down to the wide eyes and the pink snout and the look of
terror on its face.
"P-Chan!" Akane cheered, running forward to hug her piggy.
"P-Chan?" Ranma repeated.
"P-Chan," Ryouga nodded, grinning.
"Victor," Charlotte grumbled.
END - Part 1
(Closing Theme : Don't Mind Lay-Lay Boy (Opal))
All characters copyright Shonen, created by Rumiko
Takahashi. Music citations copyright Nothing/TVT. Charlotte and
Buford and Victor by Stefan Gagne.