i) Huge thanks to mfkngst, Nancy, pretender-gurl, Michelle, ICD, Ann and leochick for reviewing the last part.
She watched his reflection as he stared into the bottom of his cup and breathed out slowly in an effort to think clearly, looking away as she did so. Sadly it wasn't as easy as that, she could not shake the day's events, or the arising emotions, - no matter how tightly she screwed her eyes shut the same images played out in front of her, burnt into her memory and constantly reminding her of what had occurred. And distracting her, so much so that she'd almost opened up to Sydney.
Sydney's admission had caught her off guard, at a time when she wasn't feeling so certain about anything; it wasn't that she never suspected he had other motives regarding Jarod's capture, it was that he had come out and said as much. Granted, saying such things away from the prying ears and eyes of The Centre was sensible but it was the fact that he saw right through her, that he somehow knew how she was feeling, that unsettled her most. Not even her father had been so perceptive. Then again, she had never been able to act as freely around her father as she did with Sydney. She was always on guard around him, trying to be the daughter he wanted her to be rather than being herself. And now the game that she had played out with Sydney, the one in which they never spoke the truth, instead letting it linger between them unspoken for so long, had changed. The question had to be, was she ready to change as well?
The answer seemed simple: the decision to talk to Syd as a friend, once made, had felt right. Of course she'd hesitated; she'd fought the little voice in her head pressing her to deny everything, had swallowed down the churning sensation in her stomach, had closed her ears to the rush of blood swirling around her body as her heart had pounded furiously in her chest, and her mouth had ran as dry as a desert. As Sydney had cautiously probed her she'd felt she as if she was teetering on a cliff edge, and she could have fallen either way. It had seemed a long way down yet in the end she willingly jumped - only to be pulled back before her feet had barely left the ground. But now the moment was lost and she could feel herself slowly reneging on that decision. If she didn't do something soon it would be lost forever.
Her eyes flickered to Sydney again, he was still staring blankly into his cup, thoughts obviously elsewhere. Her own cup sat untouched on the table in front of him, the murky brown liquid inside - almost the same colour as the plastic vending machine cup that held it - offered no appeal. The nurse had returned with the drinks ('sweet tea', she'd announced with a warm smile) and Parker couldn't fault the woman's impeccable sense of timing, as yet again fate had conspired, in an uncanny way, to prevent her wandering down a different path.
Nurse White had been unable, or unwilling, to offer any further news on Jarod than she had when she'd ushered Parker into the poky little room a half an hour or so ago. Parker had vacated her seat when that became apparent, mercilessly leaving Sydney to bear the brunt of the woman's attention. She couldn't face another emotional inquest and she'd begun to wonder why she had told the paramedics, and therefore the hospital staff, that she was Jarod's wife. Kneeling at Jarod's side, her hands clasped around one of his, the words had tumbled out before she could stop them when the female paramedic had gently tried to prise her away from Jarod's frighteningly still body.
She'd returned to her position at the window, keeping her back to the other occupants of the room and thought once more about Jarod. And the way he'd looked at her, the way he'd smiled at her. She knew Sydney was thinking of Jarod too. He'd questioned the nurse further to no avail, eventually dismissing her with more manners than Parker could have managed, but his concern was evident. She tried to hold on to the fact that the medical staff were being overly cautious about Jarod's condition; she tried to believe he'd be okay, that the car had not been travelling fast enough but then the image would filter once more into her thoughts, her stomach would jolt and the optimism would crumble, much as Jarod had done when the car had struck him.
She swallowed hard at such recollections, wondering how long they would plague her, and, if the worst did happen to Jarod, how long would she wake in the middle of the night choked up with regrets. And that was the crux of her distress; he had smiled at her as if the last five years hadn't happened, as if she hadn't pushed him away at every opportunity, as if she had never brandished her gun at him, as if she'd never turned away from him all those years ago as children and left him alone with the shadows of The Centre. But she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to surrender to her feelings; talking to Sydney was the easy part, acting upon her feelings scared the life out of her.
"I don't know what to do Sydney."
She watched him slowly stir from his thoughts, rejuvenated by the sound of her voice. He turned to look at her, his eyes searching for hers in the window's reflection and a weak smile gracing his features. He studied her for a brief moment, "Don't you?"
She turned to face him, meeting those warm eyes once more as she did so. "I've spent five years chasing him and this is probably the best chance I'll ever have to take him back," she began honestly, "But I can't." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, willing the last vestige of self doubt that lurked there to disappear.
She watched his smile widen briefly as she finally confirmed his suspicions, "You don't have to Miss Parker. No one knows where we are except Broots..."
"It's not that," she whispered quietly, stopping him in his tracks.
He cocked his head slightly to one side, eyes registering disbelief as her simple statement took effect. If the circumstances had been better she may have smiled at his response, at having seemingly thrown him off track. He didn't utter a word; if he knew where she was going with this, and she felt sure he did, he didn't let on, instead he waited patiently for her to continue.
She took a long deep breath, this time there was no doubt, no voice stopping her, there was only the desire to confide in someone. And the realisation that it was time to be honest with herself because this had been eating her up from inside for too long. "He smiled at me. We both knew what was going to happen, there was nothing that he could do, but he stood there and smiled at me." She paused, taking another deep breath as the memory played out once more. And still Sydney remained silent. "Just for a moment I saw everything so clearly. There was no Centre, no games, no devil's handshake, no Daddy to please; there was just Jarod." She exhaled slowly, her eyes searching Sydney's for a reaction, for understanding.
Sydney silently placed his cup down on the table, turning slightly in his seat as he did so. "It seems as if you know exactly what to do." His voice was soft, reassuring; there was no anger, no words of disappointment and not for the first time she wished her father could have been more like the man with her now.
She hugged herself tighter despite his warm words, "What if it's too late?" As the paramedics had tended to Jarod at the roadside that nauseating thought had first crept into her mind. She was going to lose someone else in her life without ever telling them how she felt. She was going to lose Jarod.
Sydney sat straighter in his seat, leaning towards her, "Jarod's a fighter Miss Parker, he's not going to give up so easily." He smiled warmly at her and she couldn't decide if he was trying to convince himself or her. "There are too many things he has yet to experience," he added with a knowing twinkle in his eye.
She shook her head sadly, unable to share his outlook. And unable to believe what she had seen in Jarod's eyes. "He asked me to make this decision before... When we were on the island."
Sydney nodded understandingly as certain occurences suddenly became a lot clearer in light of her confession.
She closed her eyes, remembering how he had taken her hand in his, trying to reach her, asking her to take a different path only for the image to be superceded by another, more recent event forcing her to jerk open her eyes and swallow the lump in her throat. "But I couldn't... I was too afraid." Her voice was now beginning to betray her emotions, but she found herself past caring.
"Of disappointing your father," he speculated gently.
She nodded her head sadly. Her father hadn't approved of Tommy, Jarod would have been, in his opinion, the ultimate low. From the age of twelve, just as puberty was setting in and her father had become more aware of her trips to see Jarod, she'd been indoctrinated with the concept of Centre property and the position she held - or was to hold - at The Centre.
"And I was afraid of my feelings for Jarod," she admitted slowly, as much to herself as to Sydney. Ever since she had agreed to lead the retrieval of Jarod she'd had to ignore all irrational thoughts about him, pushing them, and him, away to somewhere deeper down. At times he made that easy to do, but every now and then he made it damn near impossible - and those times were the hardest to bear, but she would have accepted such a fate if the alternative meant losing him altogether.
"You shouldn't be afraid of your feelings Miss Parker," he edged carefully, his face the picture of compassion. "And you should hang on with every fibre of your being to those you care about, even if that means leaving everything familiar behind." There was a knowing tone in his voice that didn't go unmissed.
"What if I've lost him?" she trailed off, her eyes darting away from Sydney's as she felt the tears threatening to spill - this conditioned reflex one last homage to the Ice Queen.
Though she would no longer meet his gaze he still kept his eyes on her. "This isn't the time to give in, this is the time to fight; for your freedom, for the life that you, and Jarod, deserve. Please don't end up like me. I gave up too easily, I never questioned anything I was told. But you - you have spirit Miss Parker, you deserve to be free. Don't give up on him or yourself."
She nodded meekly, still unable to look at him, "I can't lose him, Syd," she choked out. From the corner of her eye, and through the wall of opaque tears that lay there, she watched Sydney quickly rise and walk towards her. In the two or three steps it took to reach her she'd already let the tears begin to fall, "I can't lose him Syd," she managed to repeat before she felt him wrap his arms around her.
She let herself sink into his embrace, her tears staining his jacket, as he whispered soothing words to her. She couldn't quite make out what he was saying but just the sound of his voice was enough. One hand rubbed her back in a comforting manner as she finally released months, if not years, of pent up emotion.
She watched his reflection as he stared into the bottom of his cup and breathed out slowly in an effort to think clearly, looking away as she did so. Sadly it wasn't as easy as that, she could not shake the day's events, or the arising emotions, - no matter how tightly she screwed her eyes shut the same images played out in front of her, burnt into her memory and constantly reminding her of what had occurred. And distracting her, so much so that she'd almost opened up to Sydney.
Sydney's admission had caught her off guard, at a time when she wasn't feeling so certain about anything; it wasn't that she never suspected he had other motives regarding Jarod's capture, it was that he had come out and said as much. Granted, saying such things away from the prying ears and eyes of The Centre was sensible but it was the fact that he saw right through her, that he somehow knew how she was feeling, that unsettled her most. Not even her father had been so perceptive. Then again, she had never been able to act as freely around her father as she did with Sydney. She was always on guard around him, trying to be the daughter he wanted her to be rather than being herself. And now the game that she had played out with Sydney, the one in which they never spoke the truth, instead letting it linger between them unspoken for so long, had changed. The question had to be, was she ready to change as well?
The answer seemed simple: the decision to talk to Syd as a friend, once made, had felt right. Of course she'd hesitated; she'd fought the little voice in her head pressing her to deny everything, had swallowed down the churning sensation in her stomach, had closed her ears to the rush of blood swirling around her body as her heart had pounded furiously in her chest, and her mouth had ran as dry as a desert. As Sydney had cautiously probed her she'd felt she as if she was teetering on a cliff edge, and she could have fallen either way. It had seemed a long way down yet in the end she willingly jumped - only to be pulled back before her feet had barely left the ground. But now the moment was lost and she could feel herself slowly reneging on that decision. If she didn't do something soon it would be lost forever.
Her eyes flickered to Sydney again, he was still staring blankly into his cup, thoughts obviously elsewhere. Her own cup sat untouched on the table in front of him, the murky brown liquid inside - almost the same colour as the plastic vending machine cup that held it - offered no appeal. The nurse had returned with the drinks ('sweet tea', she'd announced with a warm smile) and Parker couldn't fault the woman's impeccable sense of timing, as yet again fate had conspired, in an uncanny way, to prevent her wandering down a different path.
Nurse White had been unable, or unwilling, to offer any further news on Jarod than she had when she'd ushered Parker into the poky little room a half an hour or so ago. Parker had vacated her seat when that became apparent, mercilessly leaving Sydney to bear the brunt of the woman's attention. She couldn't face another emotional inquest and she'd begun to wonder why she had told the paramedics, and therefore the hospital staff, that she was Jarod's wife. Kneeling at Jarod's side, her hands clasped around one of his, the words had tumbled out before she could stop them when the female paramedic had gently tried to prise her away from Jarod's frighteningly still body.
She'd returned to her position at the window, keeping her back to the other occupants of the room and thought once more about Jarod. And the way he'd looked at her, the way he'd smiled at her. She knew Sydney was thinking of Jarod too. He'd questioned the nurse further to no avail, eventually dismissing her with more manners than Parker could have managed, but his concern was evident. She tried to hold on to the fact that the medical staff were being overly cautious about Jarod's condition; she tried to believe he'd be okay, that the car had not been travelling fast enough but then the image would filter once more into her thoughts, her stomach would jolt and the optimism would crumble, much as Jarod had done when the car had struck him.
She swallowed hard at such recollections, wondering how long they would plague her, and, if the worst did happen to Jarod, how long would she wake in the middle of the night choked up with regrets. And that was the crux of her distress; he had smiled at her as if the last five years hadn't happened, as if she hadn't pushed him away at every opportunity, as if she had never brandished her gun at him, as if she'd never turned away from him all those years ago as children and left him alone with the shadows of The Centre. But she wasn't sure if she was strong enough to surrender to her feelings; talking to Sydney was the easy part, acting upon her feelings scared the life out of her.
"I don't know what to do Sydney."
She watched him slowly stir from his thoughts, rejuvenated by the sound of her voice. He turned to look at her, his eyes searching for hers in the window's reflection and a weak smile gracing his features. He studied her for a brief moment, "Don't you?"
She turned to face him, meeting those warm eyes once more as she did so. "I've spent five years chasing him and this is probably the best chance I'll ever have to take him back," she began honestly, "But I can't." She wrapped her arms around her stomach, willing the last vestige of self doubt that lurked there to disappear.
She watched his smile widen briefly as she finally confirmed his suspicions, "You don't have to Miss Parker. No one knows where we are except Broots..."
"It's not that," she whispered quietly, stopping him in his tracks.
He cocked his head slightly to one side, eyes registering disbelief as her simple statement took effect. If the circumstances had been better she may have smiled at his response, at having seemingly thrown him off track. He didn't utter a word; if he knew where she was going with this, and she felt sure he did, he didn't let on, instead he waited patiently for her to continue.
She took a long deep breath, this time there was no doubt, no voice stopping her, there was only the desire to confide in someone. And the realisation that it was time to be honest with herself because this had been eating her up from inside for too long. "He smiled at me. We both knew what was going to happen, there was nothing that he could do, but he stood there and smiled at me." She paused, taking another deep breath as the memory played out once more. And still Sydney remained silent. "Just for a moment I saw everything so clearly. There was no Centre, no games, no devil's handshake, no Daddy to please; there was just Jarod." She exhaled slowly, her eyes searching Sydney's for a reaction, for understanding.
Sydney silently placed his cup down on the table, turning slightly in his seat as he did so. "It seems as if you know exactly what to do." His voice was soft, reassuring; there was no anger, no words of disappointment and not for the first time she wished her father could have been more like the man with her now.
She hugged herself tighter despite his warm words, "What if it's too late?" As the paramedics had tended to Jarod at the roadside that nauseating thought had first crept into her mind. She was going to lose someone else in her life without ever telling them how she felt. She was going to lose Jarod.
Sydney sat straighter in his seat, leaning towards her, "Jarod's a fighter Miss Parker, he's not going to give up so easily." He smiled warmly at her and she couldn't decide if he was trying to convince himself or her. "There are too many things he has yet to experience," he added with a knowing twinkle in his eye.
She shook her head sadly, unable to share his outlook. And unable to believe what she had seen in Jarod's eyes. "He asked me to make this decision before... When we were on the island."
Sydney nodded understandingly as certain occurences suddenly became a lot clearer in light of her confession.
She closed her eyes, remembering how he had taken her hand in his, trying to reach her, asking her to take a different path only for the image to be superceded by another, more recent event forcing her to jerk open her eyes and swallow the lump in her throat. "But I couldn't... I was too afraid." Her voice was now beginning to betray her emotions, but she found herself past caring.
"Of disappointing your father," he speculated gently.
She nodded her head sadly. Her father hadn't approved of Tommy, Jarod would have been, in his opinion, the ultimate low. From the age of twelve, just as puberty was setting in and her father had become more aware of her trips to see Jarod, she'd been indoctrinated with the concept of Centre property and the position she held - or was to hold - at The Centre.
"And I was afraid of my feelings for Jarod," she admitted slowly, as much to herself as to Sydney. Ever since she had agreed to lead the retrieval of Jarod she'd had to ignore all irrational thoughts about him, pushing them, and him, away to somewhere deeper down. At times he made that easy to do, but every now and then he made it damn near impossible - and those times were the hardest to bear, but she would have accepted such a fate if the alternative meant losing him altogether.
"You shouldn't be afraid of your feelings Miss Parker," he edged carefully, his face the picture of compassion. "And you should hang on with every fibre of your being to those you care about, even if that means leaving everything familiar behind." There was a knowing tone in his voice that didn't go unmissed.
"What if I've lost him?" she trailed off, her eyes darting away from Sydney's as she felt the tears threatening to spill - this conditioned reflex one last homage to the Ice Queen.
Though she would no longer meet his gaze he still kept his eyes on her. "This isn't the time to give in, this is the time to fight; for your freedom, for the life that you, and Jarod, deserve. Please don't end up like me. I gave up too easily, I never questioned anything I was told. But you - you have spirit Miss Parker, you deserve to be free. Don't give up on him or yourself."
She nodded meekly, still unable to look at him, "I can't lose him, Syd," she choked out. From the corner of her eye, and through the wall of opaque tears that lay there, she watched Sydney quickly rise and walk towards her. In the two or three steps it took to reach her she'd already let the tears begin to fall, "I can't lose him Syd," she managed to repeat before she felt him wrap his arms around her.
She let herself sink into his embrace, her tears staining his jacket, as he whispered soothing words to her. She couldn't quite make out what he was saying but just the sound of his voice was enough. One hand rubbed her back in a comforting manner as she finally released months, if not years, of pent up emotion.