Title: Seeker

Author: Padfoot the Marauder.

Disclaimer: I own nothing. I don't even own a car, so what makes you think I own Harry or Draco? Idiot!

Summary: Sirius' death leaves Harry emotionally numb. He desperately wants to feel again and feels that Draco is the one who can make him do that. One-shot, two chapters, two POV. Harry/Draco, Male/male, Lemon, Anal

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Chapter two: Harry

I'm dead inside.

When Sirius died, so did I.

He was like a father.

Like a brother.

And I killed him.

No, not with my hands, but with my love. He loved me and that's what killed him.

I thought love was supposed to save peoples lives, like my mother saved me with her love.

Or perhaps it's like a one-way-street. Everyone who cares for me gets killed, but no one who I care for stays alive.

My dad loved me: he died.

My mum loved me: she died.

Sirius loved me: he died.

I've never really known my mum or my dad, so Sirius was the only person to come close to a relative I've really known. He was both a brother and a father; my surrogate-family.

I lost my family.

Again.

How am I supposed to be able to love or care when I see everyone who does so getting themselves killed by it? Something has changed in me. Like something clicked. Like a switch has been flicked to stop myself from feeling.

I feel numb.

You know when your leg's asleep?

It's like that, but on the inside. You can't really do much about that. If my leg is asleep; I go and sit on it to make it stop. But what do you do when your inside is asleep?

Sit on it?

Huh!?

I've got to go. Get out of here. I'm getting out of bed and walk out the dorm, out the common room, out of Gryffindor tower. My legs seem to move on their own accord; leading me to you.

Just like that first time.

I don't know why it had to be you of all people. I'm not complaining though. And apparently neither are you. I don't know why something in me seems sure you can give me what I need.

I don't know why.

I just know it.

I find my way towards the dungeon, through the common room, up the stairs; to your dorm. I see you lying on your bed. I walk towards you and snuggle myself close to your warm body. I like the way you smell. Even blindfolded I could pick you out of a line of people just by your scent. It's comforting somehow; knowing I could do that.

I can feel by the shudder of your body that you are awake. You turn yourself around to look at me with those wonderful icy-grey eyes of yours.

Please Draco, I need you.

You smile at me and kiss me. Thank god, I think with a sigh. Your tongue slowly brushes against mine and I shiver from the sheer perfection of it all. I'm so glad you're not sending me away.

I know you deserve more than me.

Someone better.

Someone whole.

I lift my arms so you can pull my nightshirt over my head. You toss it aside and you brush a bunch of loose strands of hair out of my face. I like how you make me feel like I'm made out of porcelain; like I might break if handled to roughly.

I wont break you know.

I'm already broken.

I pull you down on top of me. I want to feel the weight of your shirtless body crushing mine. You kiss my neck and suck on my tender flesh and I can't help but moan in contentment. I can feel your silvery blond hair tickling me. I love you hair. It's almost as pale as your skin. Or your skin is almost as pale as your hair. I'm not sure.

You're like the other piece of the puzzle that is my life. Like light and darkness. I used to think you were the dark one, but I suppose our roles changed.

You've gotten rid of my clothes and are caressing every square inch of my body. No one knows me as well as you do. I should feel embarrassed about being touched in such intimate places, but I don't.  Can't even feel that. 

I enjoy the way you kiss me; hold me; touch me. So passionately.

How does it feel? Passion?

Not a scar or a freckle is to be find on your lean figure. You're physical perfection. That's possible one of the reasons I always find myself so drawn to you. You remind me of a purity I've lost. An innocence which is irretrievable. But when you hold me, hug me, fill me, it's almost as if it's back. Almost.

Please Draco, I need you! I need to feel whole.

You kiss me tenderly to let me know you will ease my ache. Why do you do this for me? You don't need to do this. You are already whole. Aren't you?

I gasp as you enter me. Fill me. Complete me. It should hurt, but it never does. Not even the first time. I can't help but wish it would hurt. Just to feel.

You pull back and I have to force myself not the whimper at the loss. But I know you'll come back again and complete me. Which you do. You always do. You're always here for me.

I love the way my body reacts to your caresses. How it works on its own accord, free from my mind. It gets all warm and flushed. Wanting. Needing. Suddenly all else seems irrelevant. Food, drink, air, life, death...

Nothing matters accept for the fact that you don't stop doing what it is you're doing.

Gods Draco, fuck me senseless! Make me scream until my throat is so hoarse I can't talk for a week. Make me forget! Make me feel alive! Make me feel... anything!

I groan in relief as you wrap your hand around my erection and start picking up your pace. Just a couple more thrusts. Please Draco, just a couple more. Perhaps this time I'll feel... I need this, I... Yes, one more. Yes! Just one more. One thrust...  Two thrusts... Three...

Yes!

...

No.

I look into your eyes and see the thing that's lacking in mine; a sparkle. You look back at me and see me for what I am: a satisfied heap of flesh.

Literally.

A heap of flesh.

Why? Why won't this end? Why can't what my body is feeling transfer to my mind? I would weep, but I can't even do that.  I'm numb inside. 

I try to get up, but you won't let me. I've got to go, Draco. I shouldn't fall asleep next to you. The jest would be a lie and I don't want to lie to you. You deserve more than that. I gently pry your fingers loose and release myself from your grip to get dressed. I can feel your eyes on me as I dress myself. How should this make me feel? Embarrassed? Flattered?  Cared for? Loved?

I want to tell you something. I shouldn't leave without uttering a single word to you. It's not right. I need to say something. Anything.

But I don't know what.

Honest to God, I can't. I can't even utter a single word to you; the person who gets to see me for who I am. You're the only one who knows, the only one who understands. And that's why I shouldn't do this to you. I should never come back, but I probably will anyway; seeking for what only you can give me. I can't help it. I'm a Seeker so that's what I will probably always do; seeking.

Seeking for the illusive Golden Snitch that is my heart.

After a brief hesitation I walk on, shut the door behind me and disappear into the darkness. I walk back into my own bed to await the sunrise; when I have to get out of bed, get washed up, get dressed, go to breakfast, engage in mindless chit chat...

And face the terrible light of dawn.

Alone. 

*******THE END*******

A/N: I wrote this in a whim, so it's probably not one of the best things I've written. I don't know. *shrugs* I needed to vent a little. Haven't bothered to get this Beta'd, so sorry for the mistakes.

Please review. I'd like to know if next time I feel the need to vent again I should keep it to myself or not. ;)