Disclaimer: Shaman King belongs to its creators. The piece of fanfiction is exactly what it is: fanfiction. Blah blah yea yea.
For Mummy Ringo, as always, my source of inspiration.
Pieces Of Heart
written by: da*mouse ®
Chapter 3: I Don't Know
The birds continued chirping and calling to each other, swirling around the skies, their sounds filling into the void and silence left by Lyserg's declaration.
…I love you…
The words echoed in the air, their meaning almost enveloping Jeanne's thoughts and senses as she gazed at Lyserg with huge, uncertain eyes. She couldn't speak, she couldn't find her voice. All that she was capable of was just that, looking at him.
Lyserg, his coat buttoned, had his back to her.
He confessed; after all these years of keeping his love for her buried in the depths of his heart, he had chosen to unleash it, this day at the present moment. And he found himself unable to look at her.
Long silence continued to lapse between them, neither one speaking nor moving. Just standing, statues of time. Until he could bear it no longer, and turned around to face her, meeting her luminous ruby eyes, and yet not able to read the meanings in them.
He managed a crooked grin. "…Well…?"
She moved her lips, forcing the sounds to come, and they did. "Lyserg…I…didn't know…that…"
"Now you do." He interrupted, and exhaled deeply, wisps of air escaping from his mouth to the cold London air.
"I…"
Suddenly, all his emotions crashed into him at once: the shock of seeing Asakura Hao again, the bitter memories of death and despair resurfacing…his love for Jeanne, seemingly unreciprocated…or was it? He still harbored hope.
Hope…he had to know. He had to know how she felt, and release him from his emotional torment. He hoped to God that at least he could find solace in one of his problems. Just one…he just wanted an answer from Jeanne.
He had told himself to keep his love hidden, because he didn't want to jeopardize their friendship. But he also knew, as time past, as he saw more of her, the suppression of his feelings grew more difficult. For he didn't just want her friendship. For him, just having her friendship was increasingly becoming insufficient, although he was well aware that it might be all she could offer him.
He wanted her love, her to love him the way he had always loved her.
Taking two strides, he was right in front of her, looking down at her from his much taller height. He gripped her shoulders. "I have to know, Jeanne. Just tell me the truth, out right. Don't worry or think about sparing any kind of feelings on my part. I want an answer from you, true from your heart."
I need to know…at least give me that, please…
Jeanne's mind was filled with confusing words, phrases, reasoning, images….it was just all too sudden. One moment she was dining with her guardian and best friend, and then they ran into an old arch-enemy, that resulted in Lyserg stomping away, and then she had followed him, with all purpose of comforting him.
And suddenly, he told her that he loved her.
It was too much to take in at once.
She knew she loved him dearly, as a friend, no doubt about that. But to love him as a man, as a lover?
Do…I love him?
She knew that it was a question that she had no answer to, at least not at the present moment. She needed time to think. And to recollect her thoughts.
As her silence grew, so did Lyserg's dread. He dropped his hands from her shoulders, stepping away.
"I understand."
I understand completely…
"I've told you how I felt, truly and honestly. And you…" he stopped. "…well. I understand." He repeated himself, the words bitter. "Goodbye, Jeanne." Shoving his hands into the pockets of his overcoat, he turned to leave.
"Lyserg, wait." The silvery-blue haired maiden stopped him with a call.
She smiled weakly at him. "We are…still friends…aren't we? I want you to know…it doesn't change…a thing…"
He snorted. "Don't give me that, Jeanne." He said, hating the harsh way his words sounded, but there was no way to change his tone, the tone of a rejected man. "You know perfectly well everything's changed."
Jeanne opened her mouth, but nothing came out, because she knew that he spoke the truth. They could go on pretending everything was the same, and nothing ever happened, but she knew as well as he did that it would not work.
"I can't promise you nothing will change. For I can't just be your friend. Not anymore." He said quietly, sadly.
"I have to go…" He took a step, and then she called out to him again.
"You want an honest answer from me, don't you? I can give you what's in my heart right now. Right now, after you told me that you love me."
He stopped, awaiting her answer, awaiting that negative response he dreaded to hear, but all the same, would hear. And had to accept.
"I don't know."
-
The rain was falling heavily, pounding against the rooftop, disturbing Jeanne's already disturbed mind. She sat by the window, staring out into the rainy London.
She knew she had returned to the church looking not like her usual self; how could she be expected to look as if nothing had happened after all that transpired between her and Lyserg?
Marco had immediately sensed her distress to some extent and spent the past hour trying to pry it out of her, but she refused to say anything, only to be requested that she be left alone. That request took a long time to penetrate through Marco's thick skull, but eventually, he got the hint and left her in her room, alone to her thoughts.
Those three words kept echoing themselves over and over in her head.
…I love you…
And she could make no sense of her feelings whatsoever. If she said she didn't love him…that was not true. Sometimes what she felt for him surpassed those of a mere friend, but sometimes…it was just that…Lyserg, her best friend, her close confidante, her surrogate brother. Just that.
The answer she gave him was a truthful indication of her feelings and her thoughts. She honestly…didn't know.
Frustrated, Jeanne got up from the window and began pacing her little room. Why couldn't she decipher her own feelings? She had never felt this confused before, and she wasn't at all sure she liked this feeling of uncertainty.
The Iron Maiden was always in control. Always in confidence.
Maybe if she got out of the confined room…she would have more space to think. Making up her mind, Jeanne grabbed a poncho from her closet and slipped out of her room, into the rain, before Marco noticed she was gone.
-
Hao whistled through his teeth as he hurried along River Thames. He had sat for far too long in that café, and as of now, he was late in meeting Yoh and Anna for dinner. Contemplating, he thought about missing dinner all together.
Firstly, it would give his twin and his wife a little private time, and secondly, he would be spared from icy glares and lectures about the importance of punctuality. Even the mere thought of that made him wince.
It seemed silly that he, Asakura Hao, should be scared of anyone, but truth was, he was just the teeniest bit in awe of his no-nonsense sister-in-law.
But Yoh loved her, it was plain to see, and behind that icy façade, Anna loved Yoh, too.
A ghost of smile flickered on Hao's face. More often than not, he was jealous of Yoh. Not because of Anna, his little crush on Anna was long history, but the fact that Yoh had someone who loved him, and someone for him to love.
Someone for him to love…ever since he could remember, Asakura Hao was deemed unable to love. Of course, the past years had proven that wrong, Asakura Hao could love, and he loved his twin brother with a fierce protectiveness.
But try as he might, he could not find a woman to love. Someone to cherish and care for, the way that Yoh cared for and cherished Anna.
Hao sighed. It was times like these that he felt…lonely.
Pushing the unpleasant thoughts out of his head, and picking up his feet, he decided to return to the hotel, but skip dinner entirely. All he could use now was a nice, dry martini and a hot bath, and by hook or by crook, he was going to get it.
As he walked briskly, another figure – female – breezed hurriedly by him, almost knocking into him. She murmured a soft sorry and hurried on her way, her lithe figure hidden by a poncho, but one glance at her told him who it was. The silver-blue ponytail was a dead giveaway.
"Jeanne-sama!" he called out.
-
Jeanne stopped her walking. Her first thought was that it was Marco who had caught up to her, who else called her Jeanne-sama but Marco? But the next thought immediately told her that it was not, for the voice that called to her was deep and resonant, not Marco's high-pitched voice with the slightly whining quality.
She whirled around, and found herself face-to-face with a long-haired brunette. He winked at her, looking decidedly curious. "What are you doing out here in this weather?"
Jeanne was definitely surprised to find herself with Asakura Hao, of all people. And it her present mood, she was definitely not up to entertaining him, and seeing him somehow added another edge to her already frazzled nerves, and she found herself uncharacteristically snapping at him. "None of your business."
"Oooh, touchy." Hao winced visibly. "Oh well. I'm surprised that that little blondie would let his Jeanne-sama out here all alone."
"Marco doesn't guard me. I'm a free woman, I come and go as I please." She retorted.
"And where is Lyserg-kun then? He wouldn't let his precious Jeanne-sama to be soaked in the rain, would he? Did you two have a little lover's spat?" Hao said teasingly, knowing he was infuriating the former Iron Maiden, but somehow couldn't resist it.
Hao's implication bought all complications down on her again, and Jeanne glared. "We are NOT lovers."
"Oh, no? A little bird tells me otherwise." Hao said conversationally, yawning.
The rain around them stopped falling, decreased to a little light drizzle.
"What do you mean?"
"Come on, Jeanne-sama. It was written all over his face. Even though I've seen him for a mere few minutes after eight years."
Jeanne faltered for a moment. Was Lyserg's feelings that obvious to everyone except herself? Hao, meanwhile, studied her face critically. He smirked at Jeanne, suddenly sensing her troubles.
"It was written all over his face…" he repeated. "…but you are not so sure about yourself, is that right?"
Jeanne looked at him, shocked. How did he know? Was I that obvious…? "How…" she began, and then clamped her mouth shut. This was, after all, Asakura Hao. She shouldn't be discussing anything with him, let alone Lyserg.
Instead, she chose to brush aside him, her lovely features set in a slight scowl. "Good day, Asakura Hao."
"Wait." He caught up to her, and then she felt something around her shoulders.
His cloak.
"It's cold and drizzling. At least protect yourself from the rain. I don't fancy Lyserg-kun or the blondie coming after me if you happened to fall sick. You know how often I am blamed for some things that wasn't even my fault, no matter how ridiculous it was." Hao's tone was breezy, but Jeanne caught a slight tone of pain.
For after Hao had repented, he was blamed for a lot of mishaps and accidents that occurred. Because people simply couldn't accept the fact that the Destroyer could even possessed a heart.
He carefully clipped the cloak under her chin, and smiled down at her cheerfully. And she was yet again reminded of how good-looking Hao really was. "There you go, Jeanne-sama."
Whistling cheerfully, he backed away and began walking away from her. She was still standing there, shocked by the sudden happenings…the fact that Hao had done something for her…that made her felt warm…surprisingly warm…
He stopped suddenly, and turned back to her. "And whatever it was, Jeanne-sama, don't worry. Follow your heart, and you can't go wrong, ne?"
And with another wink, he disappeared into the foggy London evening.
-
Hao slipped into the hotel doors, acknowledging the doorman's greeting with a brief smile. Throwing a look towards the coffee house, he hurried towards the lifts, only to find himself looking at Yoh and Anna as the elevator doors opened.
Yoh wore a worried look that instantly evaporated when he saw Hao, and Anna's expressionless face became extremely expressive with a huge frown.
"Onii-chan, WHERE have you been?" Yoh asked, a frown similar to his wife's shadowed his face. "We were waiting and waiting, and then we got worried…"
"HE got worried…" Anna muttered.
"And you didn't call or leave a message." Yoh finished.
A warm feeling came over Hao all of a sudden – it was nice to have someone worried about him. Although in his opinion, what was there to worry about?
"Yoh…" Anna said impatiently. "He's twenty-five years old. I trust that he could take care of himself perfectly. What mattered to me was…" she then swiveled to Hao, her tone sharp. "You kept us waiting for dinner, because your brother wouldn't eat without you."
"Ah…Otouto…sorry, but seriously, why are you worried? I'm Asakura Hao, remember? Nothing could happen to me." Hao said lightly.
"You could have fallen into River Thames and drowned for all I know." Yoh grumbled.
Hao just looked at Yoh with a disbelieving expression, and Yoh laughed. "All right, I know I am silly to be worried about the great Asakura Hao…but it was unlike you not to tell us that you're going to be late." Yoh reasoned.
Especially where Anna is concerned…
"Well, you certainly kept everyone waiting long enough." Anna snapped. "Let's go, I'm starving." She looked at Hao disdainfully before sweeping past twins.
Yoh sighed. "She's not taking it too well." He warned Hao.
The older Asakura twin laughed. "Nope, not at all." He said cheerfully.
As Yoh hurried after his wife, Hao lingered behind, his eyes on the dark skies just beyond the hotel doors, and he found himself wondering about Jeanne…was she still out in the rain?
Wondering whether did she get home safely.
Wondering whether did she sort out her problems.
Wondering whether was she all right.
As usual, always wondering about Jeanne.
-
It was late evening, and it was still drizzling. Jeanne found herself in Starbucks, where she got herself a cup of cappuccino, and sat herself by the window, looking out into the drizzling London evening.
She held the coffee mug, not really paying any attention to anything, but her thoughts.
Hao's cloak was still draped around her shoulders, and truthfully speaking, she was grateful for it – the London evening was cold.
His words echoed.
…Follow your heart…
Follow my heart…what does my heart want? Jeanne brushed back her hair. What does my heart want?
She thought about Lyserg…how he was always there for her, loyal and protective. Always available for a laugh, a joke and a lunch date. Loving her all the while, but never telling her…because he didn't want to risk their friendship.
All the times they spent together. All the while she was with him…the way he always treated her ice-cream cones, the way how he always knew she wanted her latte with two sugars, the way he would offer her his jacket on the cold nights, the times he would specially help her out with missionary duties, how he always willingly kept his second Sundays free to help her with the kids from Sunday school…
He was so important to her.
And it just hit her.
He is so important to me.
Jeanne lifted the mug to her lips, contemplating. It was untrue, she knew, to say that all the while that Lyserg was just a friend.
Follow your heart…
He was something more to her. Something…more…he meant more than a friend.
For the first time, Jeanne felt a smile lifting at the corners of her lips. And because of that, she was willing to give it a try. She was willing to explore, to know.
And tomorrow, she would see Lyserg. She would tell him how she really felt.
She did feel something for him.
A brief wind blew past her, and automatically, she pulled the cloak closer to her. She looked at her hands gripping the white cloak, and instantly thought of Hao. It was unbelievable how a sentence from Asakura Hao would be the key to unraveling all her confusion and feelings.
So different from the Hao she knew from all those years ago. But she knew all along…there was some good in him. There was good in everyone, she truly believed that.
Thank you, Asakura Hao.
-to be continued-
da*mouse ®
posted October 24th 2003
Ahhhh…ok. Reminder to read and review/comment/flame/whatever. As for the pairing…I still don't know so don't ask me how it's gonna end, I myself haven't had a clue. By the way, sorry for any OOC-ness…yeah…next chapter(s) readers will see a Lyserg with an uncharacteristic jealous streak…sorry…but it goes with the course of my story…so yeah. Sorry.
Yup, so, remember to review! Need all the advice and help I can get. ^_^
**PLUG**: Please read Apple-chan and da*mouse's collaboration of a new Shaman King fic, titled Vestige of Dreams [storyid=1543814] – Chapter one is posted! Actually, quite a long time ago, too…ahehehe…