Title: Spin

Author: Hawk Clowd

Disclaimer: so far as I know, I own nothing. Gravitation belongs to Maki Murakami and I wouldn't take it away from her for anything in the world. I just like to play.

Blood Type: I don't care... Something flammable, like hairspray. Simply because you could light a match and Ryuichi would be on fire.

Warnings: very few. Yaoi, which is a fairly obvious one, considering the fandom, random smut, and possible angst.

Archived: all of the usual places.

Part: Seven

Author's Notes: the end is near (yay)! Isn't that wonderful? I know that it definitely makes me happy. When this is done, I can start something else! ...Wait, that's not cool...

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The music store Ryuichi had mentioned was actually closer to Eiri's apartment than it was to NG Studio. Tatsuha, who couldn't afford cab fare, walked over, but was still surprised to see that Sakuma Ryuichi was already standing there, waiting for him.

"Hey."

Ryuichi spared Tatsuha a smile, but he was looking intently into the windows of the music store, as though he was deep in though, so Tatsuha couldn't bring himself to disturb the singer any further. He waited patiently. Ryuichi eventually pulled away from the window.

"I love this store," the singer stated simply.

"Are the owners fans of yours?"

Ryuichi laughed. "Definitely not. They don't sell Japanese music here--it's mostly the same stuff they sold in America last year. And they don't even know who I am, I think, which is nice, na no da." He paused. "They used to be called 'Swizzle Stick', but they call it 'Tripper' now. Dunno why, but I like it."

"It's catchy," Tatsuha agreed.

"Mmm." Ryuichi didn't speak for a long while, but when he turned to face Tatsuha his smile was serious. "So what did you want to talk to me about, Tatsuha-kun?"

Tatsuha faltered. Although he had planned this conversation in his head at least a million times, he didn't know quite how to handle it now that it was actually happening. Noriko Ukai had told him to try underestimating Ryuichi every once in a while, but, looking into Ryuichi's eyes, Tatsuha remembered why he admired and obsessed over Sakuma Ryuichi, who was just a man, although he seemed like a god.

"Lots of things," Tatsuha answered hesitantly. He could barely talk; his tongue was growing thick and dull and his mouth felt dry. Why was this happening to him? Not too long ago he had been singing bad karaoke and drinking good wine with this man, after all. They'd come super close to actually having sex, even! Why was he so helpless now?

Ryuichi waited for Tatsuha to elaborate, but when the younger man grew silent, the singer dropped the subject. "Want to take a walk? There's a bakery that opens super early and it's only a little bit away. It has pastries. Good ones."

Tatsuha almost gagged. The idea of eating something so heavy first thing in the morning was hardly appealing; Tatsuha was a fan of plain rice in the morning--a traditional Japanese breakfast.

Ryuichi smiled, obviously guessing the source of Tatsuha's hesitation. "Or we could go back to my apartment and I'll make something for you. You might like it a little better."

Tatsuha thought for a moment. Did he really want to go back to Ryuichi's apartment? No. If he was going to talk to Ryuichi, he had to do it on his turf.

"The bakery is fine. I've got to learn to try new things anyway, right?"

"I've heard it's good for you," Ryuichi said. Whether or not he agreed with Tatsuha was a mystery. "C'mon, the bakery is down this way."

The singer turned a corner and started down one of the back alley roads, and Tatsuha followed a step or two behind. The only thing breaking the persistent silence was Ryuichi's faint humming, and even that was muted near to stillness. It made Tatsuha feel better, though; Shuichi hummed like that, too, albeit louder, and it was a little thing like that which made Tatsuha feel slightly more at ease. Several minutes passed before Tatsuha lost control and let his thoughts burst from his lips.

"It wasn't just nothing to me!" he cried out.

"Then enlighten me," Ryuichi said in what was an almost cajoling manner, never missing a beat. It seemed that he had a rather good idea of what Tatsuha was talking about. "What was it to you?"

"It was... It..." Tatsuha couldn't make his mouth work properly. This wasn't going well. "It was... something."

"Something," Ryuichi repeated, quirking an eyebrow. "That's not really a lotta go offa, na no da."

"Yeah, I know, but... Well..."

Ryuichi waited patiently for Tatsuha to continue, using the opportunity to find Kumagoro (the plush toy had been tucked somewhere; Tatsuha didn't care to investigate that any further) and play with the rabbit.

Tatsuha took a deep breath and then exhaled slowly, trying to get a grip. It was harder to do than it should have been. "Look, last time I saw you, things... happened. And they probably would have happened even more if I hadn't sobered up and chickened out right then! Maybe they didn't really mean anything to you, since you're a big star and probably could get anyone in the world to sleep with you just by asking them, but, well, it was sort of a big thing to me, and I think you should at least try and respect that."

Ryuichi still said nothing, but he watched Tatsuha carefully, idly playing with Kumagoro.

"I'm probably not even the first person to come after you and tell you this before, either. You probably have girls begging on their knees for you to acknowledge them, but you..." Tatsuha saw that Ryuichi was just looking at him indifferently and he flared. "Jeez, what's wrong with you? Has being so famous for so long numbed your sense or something? I mean, I know Ukai-san said you--"

"Noriko?" Ryuichi's eyes narrowed just slightly. "I adore her, but if she knew what was good for her she would keep her nose out of my business." His gaze turned hard. "And no matter what she told you, she was wrong."

Tatsuha scowled. Pouring his heart out hadn't worked, being calm hadn't worked... Maybe getting mad and getting all of this off his chest would? It was worth a shot. "Right now I sort of doubt that."

"Do you?"

"Yes, I do," Tatsuha replied bitterly. "You're not the person I thought you were."

"And just what sort of person did you think I was?" Ryuichi asked. "A superhuman? A god? I've definitely heard all of those before--and more, on top of that! Listen here, Tatsuha-kun, and listen good. I'm just a guy. A regular, slightly flamboyant, middle-aged guy. That's all. I don't think you see that."

It was Tatsuha's turn to be silent.

"Just look at me!" Ryuichi cried, gesturing at himself. "I'm over thirty years old. I don't even know exactly how old I am, because it's too hard for me to remember! And everyone still thinks I'm nineteen or something! I'm ancient. Washed up. I wear makeup to hide my wrinkles and dye my hair to keep the gray out, because everyone tells me that image is everything, and still they treat me like I'm still a kid!"

"Maybe if you tried acting your age, everyone would treat you with respect, like you apparently want them to do!" Tatsuha retorted. "Don't you have any sense at all? If you want everyone to treat you like an adult, start acting like one! Stop playing with that stupid toy bunny and find someone you like and settle down! Why not try that?"

"BECAUSE PEOPLE LIKE YOU WOULDN'T BE ABLE TO HANDLE IT," Ryuichi bellowed, shocking Tatsuha. Then, taking a deep breath, he continued in a much quieter tone. "I can't change. Things have to stay the same."

"But why?" Tatsuha asked weakly. "Things would be better for you if you changed just a little, wouldn't they? Isn't that what--"

"Don't you get it?" Ryuichi interrupted. "That could be the beginning of a downward spiral for me--an end to everything! The… The world would start spinning faster and faster and then we would get to be so dizzy that there would be nothing I--or you--could do to stop it." He shook his head. "Things are best right where they are. That way no one gets hurt."

"You're afraid," Tatsuha realized, shocked. When Ryuichi didn't answer, he went on speaking. "That's what it is, isn't it?"

"I am not afraid," Ryuichi protested hoarsely. "What do I have to be afraid of?"

"Everything," Tatsuha answered promptly. "If you act like the person you really are, it could be that people might not like you anymore. And in that case, you wouldn't be as famous as you are now, you wouldn't be able to sing with Nittle Grasper, and it would all go to shit. You could lose everything you have now."

Ryuichi didn't say a word.

Tatsuha considered that. "But that's not it, is it? Nope. If you do grow up, you could meet someone who makes you happy, fall in love, and then have your heart broken. And then what would you have? No band, no love, and a few shattered pieces of your heart. Is that what you're scared of?" Tatsuha asked. He was pushing it here and he knew it, but the past few weeks had been maddening for him and he was angry. "That is what you're scared of, isn't it?"

"I'm not afraid of being hurt," Ryuichi murmured weakly.

"In that case, that's even worse! It's stupid, because then all you're really afraid of is being happy. And that's worse than being afraid of getting hurt."

Ryuichi let out a long breath of air. "I think this is where we part ways," he said coldly, quietly. "Goodbye, Tatsuha-kun."

That said, Ryuichi turned on his heel and began to walk back toward the music store they had met in front of only a scant half-hour before. Tatsuha watched him go, then shivered as he looked around, trying to figure out exactly where he was. As it turned out, he wasn't far from Eiri's apartment, so he returned there and retired to the couch to sleep away the rest of the night.

---to be continued---