...:: Don't Push Me ::...
(Warning! Grotesque rape scene coming up!)
The patrol went out the next week as planned. An unusual silence had
taken its toll on every member of the Wide Patrol. It wasn't long
before everyone noticed that their captains were on bad terms with one
another. They avoided each other everytime there could be a chance for
them to spend time alone together, or even, together at all. All
playfulness and all conversation of anything had been exiled from the
two, as well as the dwindling friendship. Rumil and Orophin could feel
the sorrow that enamered from both Buffy and Haldir. As far as the
visibility of the anguish, it hardly left its mark on Buffy, although
on Haldir it could be seen like a red banner racing across the pale
blue sky. It was only invisible to anyone who did not know the two as
the Wide Patrol did. One from another patrol could easily mistaken the
situation. Rumil pondered this carefully. Indeed, it would be
extremely hard to mend this between his two captains who were also his
close friend and Haldir was even his older brother. Both Haldir and
Buffy could be extremely hardheaded and he knew that is exactly what
was keeping them from opening up to one another.
Buffy sat across the fire from Rumil, whom she noticed had not taken
his eyes off of her since they had planned to camp on the plateau over
night. His eyes reminded her of Haldir so much, but she couldn't think
of that Elf. It was too hard, too complicated.... Too painful. He had
been rightly just with his accusations, she thought. She was very
confused with her feelings, she was still young. But she also knew
that if she hadn't broken away from that kiss, Haldir would have
gotten the wrong idea and kept on elaborating it. Her thoughts were
interupted once she realized that Rumil was no longer across the fire
from her and now beside her. "What troubles you, Captain?" Buffy gave
a half-hearted smile. It was a rar occasion when either of Haldir's
brothers, or in fact, any member of the Wide Patrol, to call her by
her title rather than her name unless the presence of other Patrol
Captains and royalty. "Nothing I wish to speak of." Rumil nodded and
remained silent for a minute. She knew he was in thought about
something, but of what, it was a mystery to her. "Forgive me, because
I know it is not my place, but...."
"I do not know what went on between Haldir and yourself two days ago
on the hike you both took together, but what ever it is shouldn't be
affecting you this way." Rumil could see the shock on her face. She
was shocked from the boldness of his statement. "Rumil, it has nothing
to do with him." He found this hard to believe but he was in no
position to disagree. "That may be so, but why do you both take it out
on each other then? If it has nothing to do with him, why do you
refrain from speaking to him or about him," He cut her off when she
opened her mouth preparing to argue. "When Haldir and you fight, the
whole patrol suffers. Can you not see it? Everyone is uncomfortable to
speak and no one wants to set off either of your anger. I am not
trying to be obtrusive, but I want to plead speaking out for the whole
of the team; whatever it is eating you up inside, it's eating at you
for a reason and it won't go away until things are resolved between
yourself and Haldir." He got up and walked off, completely aware of
her eyes on his back.
"So here it is...." Buffy began as she walked toward Haldir, who had
his back to her on third watch. Haldir turned and gave a look of
surprise. "You're still awake? I would've guessed you'd be asleep with
everyone else." Buffy shrugged, both had a controlled look of
impassiveness on their faces even though deep inside it hurt them
both. "What can I say? I love to be different." Haldir nodded and
turned his attention back on the land before him. "You shouldn't sneak
up on those on duty, especially during the night. What with this war
going on." Buffy rolled her eyes. Leave it to Haldir to point out the
obvious, but there would be time enough to badger him on that aspect.
There was more important business to which needed to be dealt with as
soon as possible. "I've come to make amends with you." She only saw
Haldir turn and regard her with a look of surprise before turning back
around. "Go back to bed. Don't waste your time."
"Haldir!" Haldir stood up and placed his weapon on the ground. He
turned toward her with a look of hurt on his face and resolve. "It is
too hard to be around you, Buffy. Too painful. I want you so badly
that it hurts! What makes it worse is that I know you want me, or at
least I knew you wanted me. No one wanted me the way I felt you did. I
felt you accepted me. The world could care less if I were gone. The
perfect offering in the war, ay?" Buffy finally let loose the anguish
and turmoil she had kept deep within her for the past month since
Legolas and her had met. "What about me?" Tears were streaming her
pale cheeks, reflecting off the moon. Her voiced choked with trying to
withheld it but unfortunately her tries were in vain. "I love you so
much.... And I tried to make you go away.... I even made myself
believe I was in love with someone else and it didn't help!" Haldir
grabbed her roughly, forcing her body up against his. She could see
the tears on his face as well. "Am I worthy? Am I the right man?"
His voice was harsh to Buffy's ears and the sudden jolt of his grasp
had propelled her sobbing outward and in the open. She pushed him off
of her, wiping one side of her face. "I hate it! I hate that it's so
hard... and that you can hurt me so much." Just as his face changed
from the cruel expression it held, came the expression of anguish and
regret, her voice became harsh. "I know everything that you've done,
Haldir! You think you have nothing to be honored with... you couldn't
be more wrong! Oh, God! I wish I could wish you dead. I don't." Her
voice changed to a whisper. "I can't." She thought for a moment she
had gotten through to him. "You were right, Haldir. About me. I was
confused with my feelings, but I knew all along whom I wanted and that
will always remain. You. I did kiss you... but you kissed back! I
still want you and you know it. You shall always know it and if you
hadn't before, you do now." Buffy had dropped onto her knees now,
suddenly overcome by weakness.
"Buffy, I can't be around you. Before I met you, I was strong. I could
keep myself controlled and I didn't want one person so much. I never
wanted anything in my life what I want now and it all changed once I
met you. You are the Heavens to me... the air I breathe, the sun on my
face. My weakness. For once... just let me be strong." Haldir picked
his weapon back up and turned to face the land before him once more.
Buffy thought for a moment and decided that she wasn't going to give
up. "Strong is fighting, Haldir. It's hard and it's painful, and it's
every day! It's what we have to do. And we can do it together." He
wanted so badly to turn around and take her into his arms. Even as she
spoke, he heard that her world was crumbling beneath her feet as was
his. Being parted from each other, especially by their own will was
too unbearable. "But if you're too much of a coward to come to your
senses and see it, then maybe you should die in battle. If, even I,
cannot convince you that you have a purpose and we have one, then I
don't know what can. But do not expect me to watch you do this to
yourself and don't expect me to mourn for you afterward, because I've
already done that and I'm doing it right now. I can't grieve forever."
Haldir listened to her walk off back to the camp site. He could hear
her sniffling the whole way back and knew she was going to sit and
pick at the fire. How could he still be accomplishing this? How could
he remain distant from her even when she reached out so openly. His
thoughts suddenly drifted back to the day he had first heard her sing,
singing about him. Even then, he had walked away from her in her time
of need. This was killing him. Resolve finally. He realized how much
of a jerk he was being, being so selfish with his own issues. He only
wanted to get his thoughts together before apologizing to her. He only
hoped it wouldn't be too late by the time he finally got the courage
to face her. Whenever that may be.
Lorien
Haldir spotted Buffy talking to Rumil, he could see his brother's
grave expression and knew immediately what the conversation was about.
After Rumil walked off to return to his talan to rest, he made his way
up to Buffy. "Can we talk?" He saw the apprehensive look she gave him
and for a moment, thought she was going to refuse him. "Of course.
Shall we walk?" They walked together down the very same trail they had
gone down six weeks ago for their hike. It wasn't much of a talk,
considering both remained in silence for the longest time. The
weather, Haldir noticed, wasn't so great and he knew that in these
parts past Lothlorien, that landslides were frequent during this type
of weather. (Too bad he hadn't realized sooner that that wasn't the
only thing frequent and dangerous during these parts of the land.) No
sooner had he thought this, that about three dozen men surrounded them
with arrows.
Buffy and Haldir sat side-by-side in a warm but damp cave. They
weren't bound to each other, but they were tied up. "Well, well. Look
what we have here." A rough-looking man half grinned, half sneered at
them. Buffy searched around the cave while Haldir glanced at the many
faces in the cave. It was total chaos with men, he realized. Their
leader remained pacing around the fire before them. "It's not every
day you come upon an elf." This was not the first time Haldir had met
a man like this. He knew what these men were planning to do, although
they hadn't purposely set out to accomplish it, every chance their
type came upon an elf, they were compelled to make more than an
impression. "Shall we have our fun? I think you elves owe us favors
for your freedom." Buffy spat in his direction. "I would never do
anything to you for my freedom and do not expect me to. Your kind is
not worthy." Haldir bowed his head. Leave it to Buffy to make a remark
like that. All of the men howled and made challenging comments and
noises at their leader who had just been shot down. The leader came up
and kneeled before Buffy. She glared at him, her eyes flashing angrily
over his. Her eyes said, "Do your worse." And his being so willingly
complied. Taking out his switchblade, he brought it to her face and
cut into her cheek long and deep.
Not a noise came out of her mouth as he did this, only her eyes showed
her pain. Once the man got up and made a few announcements to his
companions, Haldir leaned in and spoke in her ear. "Do not make such
foolish comments again. You would have yourself killed."