Title: Catalyst
Author: lil-myss-naughty
Fandom: X-Men
Pairing: Remy LeBeau (Gambit) / Logan (Wolverine)
Rating: R
Status: Complete
Archive: Please email me
Important: This story contains regret, depression and touches on
male/male relationships, if you don't agree with any of
these subjects don't read – Simple!!
Disclaimer: These characters are not mine, they belong to Marvel
Comics, I make no money from my stories, I just borrow
Remy, Logan et all for my pleasure. Set in my unique universe
though may touch slightly on the Marvel timeline.
Summary: Set after the trial in Antarctica Remy has returned to the
mansion. Surrounded by a hostile environment he seeks a
release from his suffering.
Depression.
Well, at least dat's what Henri has diagnosed.
I'm de King of Thieves, stealer of hearts... To some I'm de betrayer of mutants. How could I possibly be suffering from depression?
Laying silently in de now lukewarm water I stare intently at th'razor blade sitting on de side of th'bath, knowing I could end it all... But I don't.
Searching deep within myself I try to find de reason why...
If I'm brave enough I'll admit to myself dat I'm scared, scared of dying, of not knowing what, if anything is out dere when we leave our Earthly body, it's even possible dose I have wronged during my lifetime may just be waiting for me when I pass over an' dat's a thought I really don' want t'entertain at dis stage.
Perhaps I'm scared to leave de ones I love behind.
But den again who would miss me?
Picking up de razor I examine th'sharpness of de blade's edge, marvelling at how th'metal glints in de candlelight. Twirling it through my fingers with such ease, a trick I've learnt over de year's wid a playing card, I rest de thin sliver against my wrist applying increasing pressure, silently willing myself on.
Watching as my skin starts to turn white I throw de damn razor across de bathroom before de blade cuts, cursing out loud in my native patois and admitting defeat.
It should be so easy... After all de life threatening situations I've faced before an' after joining de X-Men, to take my own should be tres simple non?
Who am I trying to fool? I'm too much of a coward to do it myself.
What poor ol' Remy needs is a catalyst.
Quickly drying and dressing I sneak out of de boathouse and up into th'mansion easily avoiding detection using a back door I programmed into Cerebro so I can move unseen anywhere on de grounds. It's a place I try not to come to too often dese days, de negative emotions don't work well with an empath such as myself you see. However, with it being well past midnight everyone is pretty much in dere beds asleep.
Well, nearly everyone...
Reaching out with my empathy I begin systematically searching th'entire complex trying to pinpoint exactly where de monsieur is, if he be close by I'll even be able to feel just what kind of mood he's in, which is a very handy skill to possess where Logan is concerned
As I sneak down into de lower levels of de mansion my power suddenly picks up on his unmistakable presence, his powerful uncensored emotions full of anger, regret and frustration bombard my already weakened shield scaring me, leaving me feeling mentally and physically drained. So much so I have to pause for a minute to gather my strength.
However it is perfect for why I am here.
Unsurprisingly I find him in th'Danger Room, it's de one place he always goes when he needs to work out de problems in his life dat he has no control over, a place where he can release dose berserker rages and feelings without harming fellow team members.
Entering th'Observation Room I find myself surprised by what I see. Logan is in dere all right; however he's not fighting sentinels or killer robots, or even evil mutants. Instead he's just sitting dere cross-legged, head restin' on the palms of his upturned hands watching a static holographic image hovering in front of him.
After standing dere for a few minutes watching de scene before me I suddenly realise dat de holographic image he is studying so intently is of me, in my X-Men uniform...
De display on th'computer console shows he's been in dere for over an hour.
Th'one question I have running in my brain is 'why'?
Curious I check through de history database and find dat he has run de same programme nearly every night since...
My heart wrenches at th'thought of Antarctica, de familiar feelings of hate and loathing, not just my own feelings of myself, but from dose I once considered family seep to de surface threatening to swallow me whole.
Rubbing my temples I remind myself to tell Hank (if I survive dis encounter of course) dat de tablets he prescribed for me aren't working, however, dat could be because I haven't taken any yet...
At least not de recommended dose, but after a few minutes have passed I usually bring dem back up again.
No harm done.
Taking a deep breath I make my way down to de Danger Room. After all, dis is why I have ventured so deep into de lion's den.
To find dat special catalyst to release me from my torment.
As de door slides open he doesn't register at first dat he's not alone, he's too caught up in his own thoughts. I stand dere and wonder what he is thinking of when he stares at my image. Reaching out cautiously with my empathy, I expect to feel de backlash of hate, anger and sadness dat I betrayed dem all, but surprisingly what I feel instead is loss and a deep sense of hurt.
And den he smells me, I can see dose nostrils flaring, de eyes widening and as his head slowly twists round to look straight at me – as dose beautiful blue eyes lock onto my demonic red and black ones my heart beats wildly.
And he raises his shields.
Stepping into de room th'door slides silently closed behind me and I key in my own personal code, which activates de privacy mode so no one can see us.
Now it be jus' Logan an' Remy.