Losing To Herself
Thanks to everyone who reviewed chapter one:
jwordofmouthbabe57- It's good to know you hate Belle just like I do, lol. I don't see how anyone can actually tolerate her as a character, much less like her. I'm glad you agree with my view on Belle and her oh-so annoying love triangle too.
MahogonyMiss- Don't worry, you're definitely not alone with being sick of the Belle love triangle and thinking Belle overdramatizes things. I like Phillip and Shawn but I hate Belle and I hate the idea of two perfectly nice guys going after someone like her when there are so many better girls on the show they could be chasing after. And as for being shy of slash stories, I was at one time too, though you'd never guess I was by half the stuff I write now. I now love slash, there are so many great stories out there and I couldn't resist writing one for Phillip and Shawn. Although my favourite slash ships for DOOL are Brady/Lucas, Shawn/Rex and Brady/Shawn (all without incest of course).
Heaven- Gasp, you don't like my story? I am so going to go slit my wrists now! Haha, actually no, I don't think I'm going to take your review personally, considering you can't even spell 'personally' right. And I must say, for my first flame-like review, I'm really disappointed. Couldn't you have been more 'grrrr' or something? If you're going to give someone a flame, do it right. Your flame didn't make me laugh at all. Now, a big old- Ewwwwww!! Phillip and Shawn is sooooooo gross. I luv Belle and ur mean to her!! Stop porn-spamming ff.net with this junk, I don't lliiiiiikkkkkeeee it. U R A SICK-MINDED FREAK!!- would have been a different story. Care to try again? I could use a good laugh, honest I could. And besides, it would be nice to know what you didn't like about it. The writing style? The pairing? The way I shed light on Belle and showed her in the way she truly is? There were warnings in the summary, you know. And if you don't like it, don't read it. That's what most smart people do.
Anon- Now that was a little bit better... come on, start swearing at me or something! You know you want to. Yeah, I warned you it wasn't for Belle lovers, which most people translate into 'This is for Belle-haters'. So, there is hatred but on a happier note, I love slash... love the idea of Phillip and Shawn. And no, I won't discontinue it (at least, I think you mean 'discontinue because I don't know what the hell 'discontiue' means) and you can't make me. Come on, flame me harder, I dare you ;). Aw, but don't worry. Belle is now cast out of this fic forever. It's all about Phillip and Shawn now and they love each other... not Belle. And a word of advice to you and Heaven up there, if you read the freaking summary and it sounds like something you won't like, then for the love of God, do yourself a favour and don't bother reading it. I certainly don't read Shelle stories. I'm not that idiotic.
Brianna Banana- I am really happy you liked the story. But I have no intention of ignoring the crap reviewers, then I would miss out on the chance to make fun of them and their silly little attempts to make me feel bad. And yeah, I figured the "Not for Belle lovers" would reel some people in (just not the people that actually like her but hey, whatever floats your boat, right?) because I know I'm not the only person who can't stand Belle
Emerald804- Hey, I like long reviews, don't worry. That was very well said, I couldn't have said it better myself. But don't worry, I am not going to discontinue, in fact, they've only provoked me to make it longer than it was going to be before. Yes, the flamers have inspired me so they can sit on that and rotate ;).
It was early evening and a warm, humid wind surrounded Phillip as he walked along the sidewalk next to Shawn, their shoulders bumping occasionally, their hands hidden now but still linked together. The two of them walked together in comfortable silence while their jacket covered arms brushed against each other shyly. Phillip began circling Shawn's palm with his thumb almost automatically, loving the way Shawn's skin felt touching his. Phillip couldn't believe that it had taken him so long to realize that this was what he had truly wanted all along. In the end, Jan had been the one who had made him see it.
Phillip and Shawn had already spent weeks fighting over Belle before Jan had come out and contacted Phillip. Phillip could still remember all the tension mounting between himself and Shawn at the time. Phillip had been so angry, so determined to make Belle his. He had hated Shawn for standing between Phillip and the one thing he desired most. At least, for a while, Phillip had thought he hated Shawn and he had thought that Belle was the person he desired more than anyone else. Phillip had hurt Shawn, worked his way into Shawn's relationship with Belle and did everything he could to keep them apart. He had been so jealous of Shawn, he hadn't wanted Shawn to have her. Yes, Phillip often felt little pangs of regret when he thought about the closeness and friendship with Shawn he had lost by pursuing Belle. He had missed Shawn during their war to win Belle's heart. But Phillip had done everything he could to steel himself against those feelings and let his resentment and jealousy towards Shawn fuel him, motivate him to work harder to win Belle.
Belle had seemed to have the worst time making up her mind. She would make him believe that she was going to choose him, then she would go running back into Shawn's arms. It frustrated Phillip to no end and every time he saw Shawn and Belle together, his jaw would involuntarily clench and he would feel his eyes glaze over with a film of red. It really did kill him to imagine the two of them getting back together, leaving him with nothing. He had to have Belle, it became his obsession, it took over him. His every thought was Belle, he thought about being with her completely, with Shawn out of the picture forever. But he knew it could never be that way. Shawn had been her first love, the man she had wanted to marry, the man she had planned on spending the rest of her life with. And he hated Shawn for having such an advantage over him. It made Phillip have to try harder every day, every time he saw Belle. He knew he was the one Belle belonged with. He had stayed with her when Shawn felt like he hadn't been able to. He had comforted her, held her, given her belief in herself, made her see that she could go on without Shawn. He had mended the wings Shawn had broken and then his blonde angel with her broken wings had broken him.
He saw them kissing one night and the jealousy was almost unbearable. His hands had balled up into tight fists and he had to clench his teeth together to keep from screaming. He had wanted to scream, he had wanted to kill someone. He had wanted to hurt Shawn. And later that night, he had. It was just one more fist fight, one that given Shawn yet another black eye. Phillip could still see the faint remains of the bruise around Shawn's eye and Phillip winced, hating the fact he had ever done something like that to Shawn.
If it wasn't for Jan, Phillip wondered if it would have kept going, defying all rules of gravity. It was a definite possibility, since neither he or Shawn had showed any signs of stopping. But Jan had approached Phillip and had finally talked him into having dinner with her at the Blue Note. They had sat in the back of the restaurant, in a quiet and secluded corner. Jan had made small talk at first before she had eventually swung around to bring Belle into the conversation.
"So... you love her?" Jan asked in a knowing voice, as if she already seemed to think she knew the answer. Her voice was dripping his scorn, as if she really believed that the answer was no. Phillip had immediately jumped into angry, defensive marine mode.
"Yes, I love Belle." Phillip had said firmly, his eyes burning into Jan, daring her to suggest otherwise, "And someday, I am going to have Belle."
"What about Shawn?" Jan inquired, not looking at him. Instead, she played with her fork, tapping it on the edge of her plate softly.
"What about him?" Phillip snorted with disgust, "Shawn is not a problem. Well, okay, he is a problem but he won't be for long. It shouldn't take too much time before Belle realizes that I'll make a better boyfriend than Shawn ever could."
"That's not what I meant." Jan sighed and twirled the fork around nervously, "Phillip, I don't know how to put this but... I don't think it's Belle you're really after. Yes, I do believe that you wanted to get them apart but not because you wanted to win Belle. I think it had more to do with someone else... even if you never realized it.
Phillip frowned and it took a few minutes to realize what she was saying. But he finally noticed the way her eyebrow was arched suggestively and the tiny smirk threateningly to light her entire face and understood what she was getting at, "Shawn?" it came out like a croak.
"That's right." Jan nodded and Phillip rolled his eyes.
"You really insane. Shawn... hates me." Phillip finished lamely, "And I don't feel that way about guys. Especially not Shawn."
Jan let out an impatient huff, "Phillip, there's no shame in it. You know, I have a little crush on Nicole. Just don't tell her, okay?" without waiting for him to respond, Jan pressed on, "Shawn was your best friend. But you gave up, you let Belle ruin that for you. Don't you miss it? I remember how close you two used to be. Don't you miss having him around, being able to talk to him?"
"I guess." Phillip said finally, feeling another insistent tug of longing, "I mean, I only miss him a little bit. I can handle it."
"You miss him a lot." Jan spoke for him, "You two always shared this incredibly tight bond and I know that somewhere deep down, you feel a lot of regret about letting your 'feelings'," air quotes emphasized the last word, "For Belle get in the way of that. You love Shawn."
"Excuse me?" Phillip sputtered, unable to believe he was actually still listening to her.
"You love him." Jan repeated, "You love him as a friend at least. But you're also very confused. Shawn is too."
"And you know this how?" Phillip demanded, feeling more offended with each word that came out of Jan's mouth.
"Well, when I had Shawn caged up in my country home, it was really hard to make him excited. I thought I was the problem at first but then I remembered how Shawn had also pushed Belle away whenever she asked him to make love to her. Then I remembered this one time you were both in the gym locker room and he couldn't stop staring at you. I had snuck in and was wearing this eagle costume and I didn't understand why Shawn was looking at you like that or what it meant. But now I understand. He doesn't like girls in that way. He doesn't look at them the way he looks at you. He might not even know it, he might be just as confused as you are. But he feels something for you, Phillip. Something that goes beyond friendship. And this whole thing with Belle... I think both of you are so confused that you're doing anything you can to avoid the realities of your feelings."
"You are so full of crap." Phillip responded coldly.
Jan pouted, "I am not. I used to be friends with you guys, remember? I see things that you're being blinded by because Belle has you wrapped around her finger. Phillip, give Shawn a chance. Try and get your friendship with him back. You know it's important to you. And I am so sick of seeing Belle manipulate you and Shawn around like your pieces of the chess game of her life. I want you to be happy, provided that it makes Belle unhappy. Please, just think about it."
And Phillip had thought about it. He had reflected on his feelings for Shawn and how he truly felt. Then something hit him. All along, it was never Shawn he had been jealous of but Jan had been right... he had been jealous of Belle. And since he had always knew this somewhere deep down inside of him, he had also believed that there would never be any chance for himself and Shawn. He wanted it but there were certain things that could never be. Shawn loved Belle. But if Jan was right and Shawn really didn't have any feelings of attraction toward girls...
Phillip had kept up the pretense of chasing Belle but had cooled a lot towards Shawn. The two of them fought less, mostly because Phillip didn't want it anymore. He didn't want to hurt Shawn, he just wanted his back friend back. He was past the point of feeling the need for revenge, the anger, the hurt, the jealousy (the jealousy directed at Shawn, at least), he was past it all. He wanted to have a chance with his friend, he wanted to know what it felt like to be with Shawn. For once in his life, instead of thinking he wanted to be Shawn, he wanted to be Belle.
He still remembered the night he had finally given in to temptation. Shawn was yelling at him, warning him to stay away from Belle because she was Shawn's girlfriend and would always be with Shawn. Phillip felt no resentment towards Shawn flare up instead him, only resentment towards Belle. He wanted to know what it felt like to touch Shawn, to kiss him. So, he let logic leave his mind and finally discovered what it was like to kiss Shawn Douglas Brady. Shawn had stopped in mid-scream when Phillip brought his mouth down to crash overtop of Shawn's. The kiss was fast-paced and frantic, Phillip gripping the sides of Shawn's face in his hands, pressing his lips against Shawn's lips hard. Then, it was over. Phillip pulled away, breathing loud and shakily. Shawn looked shocked and confused but he definitely did not look disgusted or angry like he had been minutes before. Shawn stammered incoherently then closed his mouth. He took an uncertain step towards Phillip, then backed up about three feet. The kiss had totally taken him by surprise. Shawn had been so wrapped up in the drama of Belle that he hadn't realized that Phillip was sick of it. He was sick of fighting for Belle when what he wanted didn't come wrapped in a bubbly, pink clad package.
But Shawn's hesitance had been too much. Phillip had turned and walked away without giving Shawn a chance to respond. Then a few days later, he had slept with Belle. God, he hadn't even wanted to. And it hadn't even been her face he had been seeing when he was with her. He had wanted it to be Shawn. And that when he realized that he did love Shawn, not Belle, never Belle. He didn't know how long he had loved Shawn but he only knew that he did and also that he didn't want to continue being a part of Belle's games anymore. He didn't want to a pawn in the face of something bigger, whatever Belle had been trying to do. He just wanted Shawn. He trusted Shawn, he knew it would be different than it was with Belle, there would be no lies and manipulations with the person who had been his best friend for so long. He had left Belle that night and there was finality in the sound of the loft's sliding door swishing shut behind him. It was over.
Then there had only been Shawn. He went across the hall to Shawn's loft, his hands shaking slightly with anxiety. He hadn't approached Shawn since the kiss but he knew that it was the night to get things out in the open. Shawn had looked surprised to see him but had finally let him into the loft. Phillip hadn't known what to say but thankfully, Shawn had spoken instead.
"So, you and Belle?" Shawn crossed his arms over his chest, looking defeated. Phillip had no idea it was over the loss of Belle or the loss of Phillo but he hoped it was the latter. Phillip shook his head and cleared his throat.
"No. Not me and Belle. It's, uh, it's someone else." Phillip managed to choke out, holding his breath as he gave Shawn a meaningful look. Shawn stood frozen for a moment, then finally spoke.
"You know, when you kissed me, I never thought that you... wanted to do that." Shawn confessed. Phillip felt a rush of relief, glad he didn't have to spell everything out for Shawn.
"Well, I did." Phillip tilted his head to one side questioningly, "Did you?"
Shawn nodded wordlessly, then found his voice a few minutes later, "I don't know what the hell is going on with us. I do know that you're my best friend. I don't want to lose you, especially since I think there could be more between us."
Things hadn't moved forward that much since then but both Phillip and Shawn were trying. They hadn't kissed since the first kiss that had surprised them both but they were slowly working themselves into a relationship, moving forward tentatively, one step at a time. Jan had passed them as they were leaving the Brady Pub that same night. Her eyes were immediately drawn to their hands and she gave both of them an encouraging smile before moving forward into the Pub.
Neither Phillip or Shawn ever mentioned Belle. It was like an unspoken rule between them. They hadn't wanted her to find out about their feelings but both of them had a strong feeling that she knew something was going on. And neither of them wanted to use their feelings for each other to hurt her. They simply wanted her gone. And therefore, she was.