"You...you suck, Malfoy!" Ron screamed across the hall, his face turning beet red. Whether it was from the yelling or the shame of not being able to come up with a decent insult, no one watching knew.

"Oh? Do I?" inquired the blonde Slytherin, feigning confusion. "It couldn't POSSIBLY be because I skinned your owl and fed it to Goyle, now, could it?"

Ron's lower lip trembled. "You meanie-head! That was my only possession worth over two knuts!" He burst into tears and ran howling down the hall. He was on the staircase when it moved, and of course being a Weasley he didn't notice. He was jostled sideways, rolled back down, and fell on top of Cho Chang.

"YOU POOPY-FACE! YOU MADE ME BREAK A NAIL!" Cho shrieked from the floor. "EW! You're Harry's friend, aren't you? Well, you can tell him that since his BEST FRIEND had the nerve to BREAK MY NAIL I won't go out with him any more. Even though I never was. HMPH!" She got up and made to flounce off but tripped over Ron's feet and got a concussion and fell into Harry's arms. Then she died.

Harry was watching when Ron tumbled down the staircase. He heard everything that Cho said to Ron, as he was standing twenty six and a half inches behind her. "YOU STUPID...PERSON, RON!" he screeched, dropping Cho. She fell to the floor with a satisfyingly loud thud. "CHO'S DEAD NOW BECAUSE OF YOU! ON TOP OF EVERYONE THINKING I'M MAD, THOUGH IT CAN'T BE BECAUSE OF MY CONSTANT SCREAMING, MY GODFATHER DYING, THOUGH IT COMPLETELY WASN'T MY FAULT THAT I SUCK AT OCULO-...OCCLUD-...OCTOPUS-...THAT THING SNAPE WAS SUPPOSED TO TEACH ME! NOW I HAVE TO MOURN FOR THE LOSS OF THE LOVE OF MY LIFE, WHO NEVER LIKED ME, BUT IT COULDN'T BE BECAUSE OF MY MADNESS, BECAUSE I'M NOT MAD, NOR MY LOOKS, BECAUSE I'M AS PRETTY AS A COCKROACH ON LSD! OH THE ANGST! OH WOE IS ME! WHAT SHALL I DO?!?!?!" He sank sobbing to his knees, theatrically contorting his face in agony and pulling his hair. Quite a bit came out.

"Well, you don't have to yell," Ron said.

Harry began screaming again and hit him on the head. "OF COURSE I HAVE TO YELL! WHAT DO YOU THINK I AM SUPPOSED TO DO, YOU BLOODY STUPID BLOODY STUPID BLOODY STUPID BLOODY STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID, STUPID GIT!"

Ron began to count on his fingers. "Why did you say 'Bloody Stupid' four times and then 'Stupid' four times? And then git. Once."

"BECAUSE YOU'RE A BLOODY STUPID-"

"Shut up, Pothead," Draco said, smirking evilly.

"OH NO! IT'S THE MEANIE-HEAD!" Ron began to cry.

"Oh noooooo, it's the meanie-head, mommy!" Draco mocked. "Ha, ha, ha!"

"Shut up," Ron sniffled.

"WHAT ABOUT CHO?!" Harry said, butting into their conversation.

"What about who?" Draco asked. "CHO!" Harry shouted. "Oh, you mean this ugly lump on the floor here?" Draco kicked her corpse.

"NO!" Harry screamed, and began to hit Draco's head ferociously.

"Owwwww Potter you lummox, stop that!" Draco yelled, kicking him hard in a very special place. Harry doubled over, wheezing in pain. Everyone gawked at Harry, except Harry, who was a bit preoccupied twitching and convulsing on the floor at Draco's feet. "Hmmm," commented Draco. "I don't see why people bother with the Cruciatus Curse. A swift groin kick is much more effective." To demonstrate this again, he dealt another kick to Harry's privates. This time, Harry gave a loud squawk and fainted.

Hermione rushed to her friend's side. "You KILLED him!" She exclaimed.

Draco dropped a book on Harry's face. Harry stirred. "NOOOOOOOOOOO!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hermione wailed. "He's ALIVE! Why does he have to be alive? It's not fair!!!!!!"

"I appreciate your... oof... concern," Harry winced. "You're welcome, Harry," Hermione said, as she is actually too stupid to know what sarcasm is. Harry didn't bother correcting her. In Harry's mind, the world was one big picture drawn by a two year old, and everyone was a scribbly...something-or- another. Hermione was a big monkey. Sometimes Harry liked to think about Hermione the monkey and laugh. Then those other guys in his bedroom would tell him to shut up because it was so late at night and why was he waking them up, you think you're so special because you didn't die that one time, you're really a stupid loser though, I mean, come on, Cho? Go to sleep, you baby. Sometimes Harry cries.

Like now.

"WAAAAHHHHHH! I WANT MY MOMMY! WAIT!! NOOOOOOO!!! MY MOMMY'S DEAD!!!!!! MY GODFATHER IS DEAD TOO AND I NEVER GOT BACK MY FAVORITE BATMAN UNDIES THAT I LET HIM BORROW AND NOW TELETUBBIES WILL TAKE OVER THE WORLD AND MUTANT BOOMBOXES WILL FORCE US TO LISTEN TO BRITNEY SPEARS AND WE'LL BE EATEN BY RABID MINNOWS AND THEN-" Harry passed out suddenly in the middle of his senseless ranting.

That's what happens when you forget to breathe.

He was dragged to the hospital wing by his eyelids.

A/N: Yeah, that whole chapter was senseless...but it will get better! Please R and R, as this is my first fic/spoof ever and I want to know how it is. Thanks!