Harry saw the ghost of Sirius floating in front of him. Hmm, he thought. I must be dreaming. Then he noticed Sirius was wearing a speedo. Nightmare, then.
"You're not bloody dreaming, moron!" the ghost bellowed. Harry was taken aback. Had he voiced his thoughts aloud?
"Yes! And you just did so again!!!! Why do I have to have an idiot for a godson? Why couldn't I get Goyle or something? I was having a grand time in Dead!Tahiti when suddenly a message comes in telling me that you-"
"Sirius," Harry butted in. "You-"
"Passed out from forgetting to breathe, so I get chucked out of the dead world and now get the glorious responsibility of lecturing you to make sure you don't KILL YOURSELF out of stupidity! It's my job to teach you to bloody BREATHE on your own! What sixteen-year-old needs to be told to do that?!?!?! Do you have any idea what this has cost me?! You just RUINED my chances with Narcisssa Malfoy! Stupid bastard. Like father, like son."
"Erm, Sirius?" Harry said tentatively. "You look REALLY fat in that speedo." Sirius hit him over the head with a toaster. Harry wondered where he'd gotten the toaster. Then he passed out. Again.
"Dammit," Sirius growled when he realized he had not told Harry the second reason why he had come. "Well, I'm not waiting for the bloody little git to wake up. I'll just leave him a note." Sirius took out a pen and scribbled "ur hair makes u a crack fiter!" on Harry's head. "Oh Narcissa!" Sirius called out, as he drifted back into the world of the veil.
Harry stirred in his hospital bed. His head was throbbing. It felt like someone had whacked him over the head with a toaster. Then he remembered. Sirius had indeed hit him with a toaster. It was a nice 4-slice one too. Harry wondered why that happened. I mean, come on, he was the hero of the wizarding world! No one hits heroes with toasters. Not even expensive 4- slice toasters, no matter how shiny they are.
"Well, Potter, delighted as I am to hear that shiny toasters amuse you, could you stop babbling and OPEN YOUR EYES!?!?!" Crap. He had said his thoughts out loud AGAIN. Harry slowly opened his eyes. The first person he saw was Dumbledore. Dumbledore looked like an old wrinkly fish. Harry hated fish. So, he punched it in the nose.
"MOMMY!" Dumbledore sobbed. "He called me a fish! And he punched me in the nose and it's bleeding and it HURTS! Waaaahhhhhh!"
Madame Pomfrey bustled over, because that's what she does best. That, and shoving chocolate down people's throats, whether they're allergic or not. She jabbed her wand at Dumbledore. "Nosium healium!" Dumbledore stopped crying, but his nose started inflating and he was lifted off the ground. "Oh damn it." The healer swore. "That's why I hate homophones."
"Don't worry, Madame Pomfrey!" Hermione cried. "I'll take care of this!" Ron and Harry rolled their eyes. "Moronicus Fallicus!"
Professor Dumbledore fell, screaming, onto Madame Pomfrey. "Oh my," he squeaked. Draco sniggered. "Are you all right, Poppy?" His voice was all squeaky because of the homophonic (no, not homophobic) healing spell and his nose resembled a deflated puffer fish.
"I think you killed her, Professor," Harry commented.
"Really? Well, that's good. She was bugging me about a raise and paid vacations and unions and running water and all that crap. Now I have nothing to worry about." Harry thought it was funny hearing the headmaster squeak like a squirrel. He had a pet squirrel once. Then a cat ate it.
Suddenly, a black vortex of DOOM! opened up and Sirius' ghost fell through, still wearing his speedo.
"AHHHH! MY EYES!" screamed Draco, Ron, and Hermione in unison.
"What are you talking about?" Sirius demanded. "I look hot in this!" His potbelly jiggled in agreement.
"Uh...sure." Dumbledore squeaked.
"What happened to you?" Sirius asked.
"Freak helium accident."
"That's easily amended." He took out his wand. "Freakae accidentae go- awayae!" Nothing happened. "Argh. Stupid ghost wands don't work."
"No. That's not it." Draco sneered. "Well, yes, partially. There's also the fact that "go-awayae" is not correct. Freakae accidentae go-ae awayae!" Draco looked horrified. "I can't believe I just helped DUMBLEDORE! What would my father say?!?! And I sounded like GRANGER!" he spat. He ran to the nearest nightstand. Harry thought he would start banging his head against it. To his surprise (and chagrin), Draco picked it up and threw it at Hermione, who ducked. It flew through Sirius and hit Ron in the head. He fell like...a big heavy falling object.
"Thank you, Draco," Dumbledore said in his usual raspy voice. "For restoring my voice to normal, and knocking Ronald out. For that I award Slytherin one zillion points." There was a loud boom, most likely from the Slytherin hourglass-thingee exploding from the zillion emeralds that were falling into it. Draco looked like he was about to implode with smugness.
"But...but...Professor!" Hermione stammered. "Malfoy's in SLYTHERIN! You're supposed to favor us and award us enough points to win the House Cup every year for no apparent reason!"
"Yes, but anyone that knocks Ronald out with a nightstand deserves to win the Cup." He said airily.
"Ha!" Draco gloated. "See, Potter? I told you you were making friends with the wrong lot."
"Shut up, Malfoy." Harry said, perturbed. "But, Professor! You awarded Ron all those points in first year for playing a chess game! Surely you don't hate him!" Harry argued.
"That's because I was drunk during the feast." Dumbledore said, his patience fraying. "Now, Harry, we must go to my office and I have to tell you in an important way what the words Sirius wrote on your forehead mean."
"There're words written on my forehead?"
"Oblivious twit," Draco coughed.
"Yes, Harry. Now, kindly kick- I mean, bring Mr. Weasley along in whatever way possible. Sirius, go fetch Ginny because no quest is complete without a stupid little tag-along. The rest of you, come with me." [insert ominous music here]
A/N: Woooo! Hints of a plot! I'm on a roll! Again, please R&R, and if it is the worst thing you have ever read, please give me advice on how to make it better. Other than that, I will post another chapter and wait for a few reviews before I decide whether or not to go on. Thanks in advance to any reviewers!