Five minutes later, Dumbledore was at his desk picking his nose. Ron, Hermione, Harry, and Draco were seated around his desk, trying not to gag. Well, not Ron, as he was blissfully unaware of what his esteemed headmaster was doing.
The spinny-eagle staircase thing spun and Sirius burst in, Ginny in tow. Sirius had put some ghost clothes on, sparing Ginny's innocent eyes. Draco decided he liked the staircase and would have to steal it, along with the phoenix.
"We're here, Dumbledore," Sirius announced.
Dumbledore removed his index finger from his nostril. "I noticed," the headmaster said drily. "Now, everyone, be seated, except Sirius, as you'd fall through the chair, and I will speak to you of your quest."
"Hey Sirius," Harry said. "Do you have my Batman underpants?"
"Nope, sorry," Sirius apologized. "They're in my dresser in Dead World."
"Awww...I REALLY liked those, S-"
"SHUT UP!!!!!!!!!!!" Dumbledore roared. Outside, a chipmunk fell out of a tree. "It is MY TURN to be special and tell you your little quest thing. So no more interruptions, or face the consequences!"
"What are the consequences?" Draco inquired.
"You will wash my feet."
Everyone became still. Ron snored. "Wake him up," Dumbledore snapped. Ginny poked him with her wand. Nothing happened. She poked harder. "OW!" Ron yelled. "That was my eye!"
"Too bad," said Ginny.
"Gather round, children," Sirius patronized.
"All right," Dumbledore said, glad that people were paying attention to him for once. "Harry, since you haven't noticed, the words on your head, written by Sirius, read 'ur hair makes u a crack fiter!' Sirius was sent here for two reasons; one, to lecture Harry on how to breathe, and two, to tell us about the Threat of Crack. Unfortunately, he FORGOT to do the latter and has been sent back to complete his second task."
"Okay, let's get this over with so I can go back to Dead World and fool around with Narcissa," Sirius said resignedly.
"WHAT?" Draco yelped. "YOU INCESTUOS CRETIN! My mother is your COUSIN! How DARE you?!?! I'd kill you, only it wouldn't really accomplish anything..."
"Poser," Sirius scoffed. "You couldn't kill a louse."
"Watch me," Draco huffed. He aimed his wand at Ginny. "AVADA KEDAVRA!" She crumpled and fell to the floor. Several dark specks fell out of her hair. "See? I killed loads of lice. And a Weasley."
"Oh look," Ron commented. "You killed my sister."
"All right, now I have proof that Malfoy here can kill lice. Medicated shampoo would have worked just as well, but he prefers to be ostentatious," Sirius was getting annoyed. "Anyways, back to my bit of really important information. Voldemort," Ron and Hermione gasped at the scary name. "Has gotten himself a brain and decided that it will be easier to rule the world by becoming a drug lord than to kill all who oppose him. I mean, if he did that, the population of the world would be reduced to one. So, he and his Death Eaters are secretly smuggling crack to every country in the globe and if he isn't stopped, he'll rule the world, and it'll be bad, blah blah blah."
"Wait," Ron said. "If Death Eaters are behind it, why is Malfoy here? Won't he be a spy sell us out?" It was at this moment that Hermione and Harry noticed the peculiarity of Draco being included in an anti-Voldemort discussion.
"Wow, Weasley," Draco said, feigning disappointment. "You've figured out my plan." Ron looked smug. "Of course I'm not going to be a spy, idiot. You think I want to serve an ugly insane snake man? He'd probably kill me for fun. Dying is not high on my list of priorities."
"Oh," Ron said, crestfallen. "Well, then...Sirius! How do you know all this?" It was a pathetic attempt to save his dignity (what dignity?) and everyone knew it.
"I live in the dead world. I have my sources," Sirius said mysteriously.
"Why does my hair make me a crack fighter?" Harry asked.
"Because," Sirius said. "It's dirty and screwed and resembles a chicken roost."
"NOOOOO!" Harry wailed. "It STILL looks like a chicken roost?!?! I've been aiming for the pig sty look!"
"Okay then," Sirius replied, exasperated. "Because it's dirty and screwed and resembles a pig sty."
"All better," Harry said, satisfied.
"Why do baboons have red butts?" Ron asked.
"What's with all these questions?" Sirius roared. "And why does Ron care about the tint of a baboon's back side?"
"Because," Draco informed. "He's an idiot."
"You have a point there," Sirius conceded.
"Righty-ho, then," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "Sirius, you may return to the dead world." The black vortex of DOOM! reappeared and Sirius was sucked back into it. "Here I come, Narcissa!" he called. Draco looked murderous.
"You four," Dumbledore stated importantly, pointing at Draco, Ron, Hermione, and Harry, "need to start making your Crack Fighter costumes."
"...Costumes?" Draco said skeptically.
"Yes, costumes," Dumbledore replied sagely. "Every evil-fighting team needs a name and costume. If Harry here had known that, he would have defeated Voldemort in his first year."
"Why didn't you tell me I needed a costume?" Harry demanded, indignant.
"You never asked. And because you're stupid. Well, better get started then," Dumbledore said cheerfully. "You're leaving tomorrow."
A/N: I'm sorry about the ending; I had to get the story started so it's really stupid and forced. Plus, this is my first fanfic ever and it would have been better had my FRIEND not abandoned me halfway through the chapter (I split chapter 1 into 3 parts). Grrr...anyways, Please review! Constructive criticism will be appreciated.