*****Standard Disclaimer. I do not own FFX or the characters in it. They are owned by Square-Enix. I do own this story, and my original characters. The title of this chapter is from an album and a song on that album by Fleetwood Mac. The song Dreams was written by Steve Nicks. Part of the lyrics go as follows: "Have you any dreams you'd like to sell? Dreams of loneliness, like a heartbeat, drives you mad, in the stillness of remembering what you had, and what you lost."******
Auron woke too early, well before the others. The Agency had promised hot bathing facilities, and, more importantly, hot water for shaving, as part of the use of their campground for the night. He grabbed his kit and set off in search of them. The hot bath eased his aching muscles, and the hot shaving water was a luxury he hadn't expected to see again this side of the Farplane. Bare to the waist, he picked up his razor and looked at his face in the mirror. I look like hell, he thought. Too many nights without sleep had left him with a bloodshot eye, and heavy dark circles under both. Pain, and grief, had gouged lines beside his mouth, in his forehead. The boy was right; I do look like an old man.
He leaned over, gripped the sides of the sink for support, his head sunk between his arms. Hell, I feel like an old man. He closed his eyes and let grief wash over him. Behind his eyelids, he saw a thousand images of he woman he loved, smiling, laughing, sleeping, arguing, fighting, concentrating, distracted, confused, sad, tense, happy. He heard her voice echo in his mind, singing, whispering, calling his name in the throes of passion, and just plain talking. He stared into the mirror again. Just for a second, he thought he saw her, in the steam. She was there in the bathing room with him, a towel secured above her breasts, in that mysterious way that women somehow managed. The top of her head barely cleared his shoulder. She was brushing her short, wet hair into place, before it dried into a spiked mop. Her gaze met his in the mirror, and she looked at him with such love in her eyes, and such a mischievous smile, as if she was planning to grab a towel from his waist and run away with it. He blinked to clear the moisture from his eye, and the vision was gone. There was a pain in his chest, as though his heart were breaking.
He splashed his face with the now-tepid water. This is getting me nowhere, he thought bitterly. How can I go on if I keep looking back? He started to shave. "Damn it all to hell," he cursed, as he nicked his chin. By the time he finished shaving, and cleaned up the mess he'd made of himself, the others were eating the breakfast that Rikku had purchased. He raised an eyebrow but said nothing. It had been her turn to prepare breakfast. The pain in his chest seemed to have spread to his belly. He wasn't hungry, so he went to make some inquiries of the storekeeper. Yuna watched his retreating back. She was worried about the older guardian, and about what she had seen the night before. He looked troubled, or unwell. She thought it was time to see if Tidus could shed some light into this particular darkness.
When Auron returned from the Agency shop, he told the party, "We need to head northwest from here." The comment was about as straightforward as he ever got, but it made no sense. It was greeted with universal puzzlement, but only Kimahri spoke in response. "Sacred Mountain northeast. Why go northwest?"
"Lady Yuna must visit Remiem Temple before we leave the Calm Lands. She was invited."
Yuna tilted her head to one side, trying to remember. Then it came to her. "Lady Belgemine," she cried.
"Yes," Auron said gravely, "Belgemine. She trains summoners at Remiem. The entrance to the valley is only accessible by chocobo. The chocobo rental agent is currently northwest of here." He paused. "Braska trained with Belgemine. I believe he found it…worthwhile."
"Then I must accept her invitation. We shall go northwest, and rent chocobos," Yuna said with an air of happiness. She was so astounded that Sir Auron had offered such a clear piece of advice; she would have done practically anything he recommended. It was that rare an occurrence. And, she could talk with Tidus while they hiked to get the chocobos.
The stroll through the tall grass of the Calm Lands would have been pleasant, except for the fiends. The attacks were frequent enough to keep them all on their guard. Yuna walked with Tidus, suddenly reluctant to ask the question she had formed in her mind in the night. They had shared a great deal about their lives as they journeyed, she had told him all about growing up in Besaid, with Lulu and Wakka. She had told him about her father, too, but shied away from too many stories about the days of his pilgrimage, about Sir Auron, and Sir Jecht. It was clear he didn't want to hear about his own father, or anything connected with him. In turn, Tidus had talked about his Zanarkand, making the city live again, just for her. She thought that there had been a person in the shadows, sometimes, when he reminisced. At first, she had been worried that he had a girlfriend back in Zanarkand, and hadn't wanted to tell her, but the stories seemed to go too far back in time for that. Now she wondered if this mystery person, and the person that Sir Auron reached for in the night, were one and the same. There was only one way to find out, she was certain.
She scanned the trail ahead. Kimahri was leading, and Wakka was just behind him. She glanced back, pretending to be checking the distance to the Agency, trying not to meet anyone's eyes. Lulu and Rikku were carrying on a desultory conversation behind them, but not close enough to hear anything she and Tidus might say, as long as they kept their voices low. Sir Auron was guarding the rear of the party, continuously checking to the right and left of their trail, and probably listening behind as well. She and Tidus were as alone as they might ever be. If she truly wanted to ask, it needed to be soon. It was difficult to talk while chocobo riding. She twisted her hands in front of her in a moment of indecision, then she reached for his hand, and took it in her own.
"Who was Mercy?" Yuna asked softly.
He looked at her in astonishment for a second, but answered her question anyway. "Mercy was Auron's lady, in Zanarkand. His wife." Tidus choked out. "How did you know?"
"Sir Auron talks in his sleep. I heard him, last night," she said simply. "What was she like?"
"She was," he paused for a moment, trying to think of the best way to say it, and then he knew, exactly. "She was like you," he breathed in wonder. And he knew it was true. Not on the outside, the two women looked nothing alike, but on the inside. Yuna was strong, just the way Mercy was. He wondered if this was what Mercy had meant with that song…
Yuna didn't understand, or maybe, didn't take the comment seriously. "Was she pretty?" she asked instead.
He groaned. He knew he was in trouble. If he said Mercy was pretty, Yuna might be jealous. If he said she wasn't, he'd be lying, he knew was a bad liar, and Yuna would know he was lying. He thought of something that might save him. "Auron sure thought so," he said with a touch of sarcasm. Now there was an answer that was totally true.
"But what did she look like?" Yuna was getting just a little annoyed, at least for her.
He tried. "She had dark hair, like Lulu's, but really, really short, and down on her forehead, a little like yours, I guess. There was some silver in it, though. She never used to wear makeup, except on stage, when she sang."
"She…sang?" Yuna asked quizzically.
"Yeah. She sang in coffeehouses, and clubs and stuff, with her brother. He played guitar. That's how she met Auron. She was singing, and he heard her from the street, and he went in to find out what it was all about, I guess."
"How old were you, when they met?"
"I was 12." He was faraway for a few moments, seeing that instant again, feeling his jaw hit the floor when he opened his bedroom door and saw the pretty lady holding hands with the old man.
"What else?" Yuna prompted.
"She had brown eyes, and she was just a little taller than you are, but shorter than Lulu, I think. She was very quick, like Rikku, because she was a swordfighter. She used a long sword and a short sword together. I heard Auron say she was very good. They used to teach martial arts classes together, mostly unarmed stuff, though. I used to meet them at his dojo sometimes, and I would watch them practice against each other through the windows. They were awesome!" he said, and he grinned as remembered.
Yuna just stared at him in amazement, trying to form a picture of this woman in her mind.
"Auron was so different, after he met her. It's hard to believe, now. I mean, he was actually happy. It's not like he cracked jokes, or anything like that. He wasn't that different. But he wasn't grumpy all the time. She made him smile more often. He was more relaxed, I guess. He wore regular clothes, for one thing. They were married for three years, but I think they were together almost from the minute they met, I don't know how, or why exactly." Suddenly, he remembered something else, and he blushed furiously.
"What is it? Your face is red."
"They were embarrassing to be with. They held hands a lot. It was so weird. I mean, they seemed so old to be holding hands all the time. And, well," he stopped, looked at her intently, remembering their night at the lake, then continued, still blushing, "after the first few times, I learned that whenever I went to their apartment, it was better if I got there late. If I got there on time, I always seemed to be interrupting something."
Tidus looked into the distance, then he began again, in a much more serious tone. "He's not the same since we've been here. I think…I think she took his pain away. Now that she's gone, I think he hurts even more than he did before, inside. It's like he's lost part of himself, maybe the best part. Or maybe he's just lost without her." He paused. "I'm not sure I'm making any sense," he finished lamely.
"No, you are making sense. You've, well, explained something I've been wondering about." Finally she asked, "What happened to her?"
Tidus stared at his toes. His face was filled with grief. "I don't know for sure, but she must have been killed when Sin attacked Zanarkand. When we were at the Farplane, Auron asked me to look for her. It practically tore him apart when I told him she wasn't there. Yuna, I never, ever, want to see that expression on anyone's face again." Tidus had to stop speaking, to work past the ache in his throat. "Auron was expecting her to be there. But she was alive two nights before Sin came. I know. I saw her." He remembered that night, the music, the scene in the Green Room, afterwards. "Yuna, he knew, they all knew, Auron, Mercy, her brother, all of them. I know they did. She said goodbye to me without me realizing it, but she knew. They both knew all along." His voice was rising, enough so that Lulu and Rikku heard his distress, if not initially his words. They increased their pace, began to catch up with the young couple. They were close enough to hear his last anguished cry. "He knew Sin was coming, he knew it. They both did. Auron was waiting for me outside the Stadium. I swear he was. He loved her so much. Why didn't he bring her, too? Why, didn't he, Yuna? Why?"
His grip on her hand was like a vise. His other hand formed a fist. His face was screwed up tight with the effort not to cry, as Lulu and Rikku reached them. They had heard the last few sentences.
"What's the matter?" Rikku asked, her whole body practically twisted in concern at his distress.
Lulu spoke at almost the same instant, "Who are you talking about?" she inquired, in that cool voice of hers.
Tidus couldn't take any more. He knew he couldn't go through it all again without crying. In a hoarse whisper, he said, "Yuna, will you tell them, please?" She nodded, and let go of his hand. He strode ahead to join Wakka, who wouldn't want to talk about anything more gut wrenching than the latest Blitzball scores.
As the young women watched Tidus stalk away, Rikku ordered Yuna to "Spill the beans." At the end of the brief story, Rikku was disbelieving. "You have got to be kidding. That," she pointed her thumb over her shoulder, "grumpy old guy was actually married?" Yuna nodded.
Lulu responded, "If he truly loved her, it might explain why he's so grumpy."
"Yeah, maybe, but not why anyone would ever fall for him in the first place," Rikku shot back cheekily.
Lulu was doing some serious thinking. Rikku might not understand why a woman would be interested in Sir Auron, but she certainly did. So he has also lost someone he loved to Sin. It is something that we have in common. Perhaps…Lulu wasn't ready to finish the thought. Yet.
End Chapter Twelve