Three days passed, and the routine of caring for a baby finally reached a
point somewhere below chaos. Without really needing to discuss it, Sam and
Lorelei had taken up residence in Jack's guest room. Even though he slept
down the hall, he rose with Sam each time Lorelei woke and they paced the
house together. Sometimes he held the baby, sometimes Sam did, and
sometimes he ended up holding them both.
They played a dangerous game. He knew it. Playing house. Playing family. The ultimate fantasy game. But damn it all if he didn't want to make it last as long as possible.
The sun had risen just minutes before as he stepped out of the shower and pulled on his clothes. With his hair still ruffled and damp, he made his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee before Sam and Lorelei woke up.
He was surprised to find Sam already awake, the aroma of fresh brew hanging heavy in the air. She stood at the sliding door in dining room, staring out onto his snow covered patio and the white landscape beyond. A cup of coffee was curled in her hand, steam rising to fog the cold glass, but she just stared out without seeming to focus on anything.
It wasn't until he stepped up to her that he saw the wet trails on her cheeks.
"Sam?" he asked, stepping beside her.
She looked up, not seeming to be startled at all by his approach even though she had appeared lost in her own world. He looked down on her, seeing the soft tremble of her lip as she met his gaze. Then, with a shuddered sigh, she leaned into him and rested her forehead against his chest.
He slipped the cup of coffee from her hand and set it on the table so he could pull her close, wrapping her in his embrace. She wasn't crying hard, but he felt the tension release from her body as she took in a shaky breath.
"What is it?"
"I can't keep her."
Jack closed his eyes and rested his cheek against her hair, rubbing her back in slow strokes. "Do you want to, Sam? I bet Doc Fraiser would back you up, and I'd---"
She shook her head against him. "I want to. I didn't think I would at first, but I want to. I just can't."
"Why not?"
Sam pulled back and looked up at him. "Why not? Jack, we travel to other planets. Sometimes we're gone days at a time. How am I supposed to explain that to whoever takes care of her while I'm gone?"
"It's not like there aren't other SG members with kids. They manage."
"They all have someone at home."
Jack could have continued the argument, but he knew she was right. Absolutely right. Part of him wanted to assure her that he would help, but that would do no good. If she was gone, so was he. And there in lay the stark truth of it all. Though he could never say it, would have to deny it to the end, if he ever had a family again he would want it to be with this woman. He trusted her with his life, and would trust her with his children, but couldn't have it both ways.
He rubbed his hands up and down her arms, but didn't meet her gaze again. A weight hung in the air around them, pressing down on the both of them.
"Jack, I'd take her if you and—"
He shook his head and closed his eyes, pulling her again to his chest. "Sam," was the only word that would come.
She relaxed against him, resting her cheek over his heart. After several minutes of silence, she spoke again.
"I've been thinking..."
"Uh, oh," he said, gently teasing. And was rewarded by her soft laugh.
"I'm serious."
"Okay."
"Will you hear me out before you say anything?"
"I promise."
She released a breath, and began to speak.
They played a dangerous game. He knew it. Playing house. Playing family. The ultimate fantasy game. But damn it all if he didn't want to make it last as long as possible.
The sun had risen just minutes before as he stepped out of the shower and pulled on his clothes. With his hair still ruffled and damp, he made his way to the kitchen to start a pot of coffee before Sam and Lorelei woke up.
He was surprised to find Sam already awake, the aroma of fresh brew hanging heavy in the air. She stood at the sliding door in dining room, staring out onto his snow covered patio and the white landscape beyond. A cup of coffee was curled in her hand, steam rising to fog the cold glass, but she just stared out without seeming to focus on anything.
It wasn't until he stepped up to her that he saw the wet trails on her cheeks.
"Sam?" he asked, stepping beside her.
She looked up, not seeming to be startled at all by his approach even though she had appeared lost in her own world. He looked down on her, seeing the soft tremble of her lip as she met his gaze. Then, with a shuddered sigh, she leaned into him and rested her forehead against his chest.
He slipped the cup of coffee from her hand and set it on the table so he could pull her close, wrapping her in his embrace. She wasn't crying hard, but he felt the tension release from her body as she took in a shaky breath.
"What is it?"
"I can't keep her."
Jack closed his eyes and rested his cheek against her hair, rubbing her back in slow strokes. "Do you want to, Sam? I bet Doc Fraiser would back you up, and I'd---"
She shook her head against him. "I want to. I didn't think I would at first, but I want to. I just can't."
"Why not?"
Sam pulled back and looked up at him. "Why not? Jack, we travel to other planets. Sometimes we're gone days at a time. How am I supposed to explain that to whoever takes care of her while I'm gone?"
"It's not like there aren't other SG members with kids. They manage."
"They all have someone at home."
Jack could have continued the argument, but he knew she was right. Absolutely right. Part of him wanted to assure her that he would help, but that would do no good. If she was gone, so was he. And there in lay the stark truth of it all. Though he could never say it, would have to deny it to the end, if he ever had a family again he would want it to be with this woman. He trusted her with his life, and would trust her with his children, but couldn't have it both ways.
He rubbed his hands up and down her arms, but didn't meet her gaze again. A weight hung in the air around them, pressing down on the both of them.
"Jack, I'd take her if you and—"
He shook his head and closed his eyes, pulling her again to his chest. "Sam," was the only word that would come.
She relaxed against him, resting her cheek over his heart. After several minutes of silence, she spoke again.
"I've been thinking..."
"Uh, oh," he said, gently teasing. And was rewarded by her soft laugh.
"I'm serious."
"Okay."
"Will you hear me out before you say anything?"
"I promise."
She released a breath, and began to speak.