I don't understand it. What was I feeling?
I was acting like some sort of jealous girlfriend. What was up with that? Why all of a sudden did Relena acting like she normally did make me feel so....so confused, so hurt, so.... whatever this feeling was.
Heero's reaction danced teasingly across the back of my head. He was smiling at her, why was he smiling at her? He barely smiles for me. Why did I care he was smiling for her? He'd probably paired up with her to go places tonnes of times, just like I paired up with Hilde, it wasn't supposed to mean anything.
My reaction indicated it clearly meant something now, but why? What for? It just didn't make any damn sense.
Then it hit me.
He'd lied.
Heero'd lied to me.
NO, I'm not a complete idiot. I do realise that just because I decide not to lie to anyone, doesn't mean they're not going to lie to me. Though it hurts a little if they do. But this one hurt a lot, obviously, I've already told you all that. It hurt more than I expected it would.
Him going out with Relena.
It hurt because I'd expected it, always thought it would happen, an inevitable conclusion that he'd told me wouldn't happen, then gone ahead and shown me it was true.
Two nights ago, in my room, just before he got up and left. Heero Yuy had told me he didn't want to go to the dance with Relena. He'd said it like he'd sincerely meant it, like he didn't give a rats arse that she might have to turn up with a gerbil because he wouldn't go with her. Like he already had someone that he really liked lined up to be asked instead.
Wow, I'm reading a lot into a very small sentence.
That had to be it though, that had to be why my chest all of a sudden decided breathing was a bad idea, because this afternoon, his smile, his shyness, clearly indicated he really did want to go with her. And he hadn't wanted to confide in me. My best buddy had decided I wasn't trustworthy, wasn't worth the effort, wasn't worth talking to.
I wanted to punch something, wanted to hit something, wanted to throttle someone.
It just felt like I was feeling too much. Not understanding enough. Too confused.
My head started trying to torture me with images of Relena's excitement, her grin so wide, she looked like a tea kettle just gone to boil, one of those squealing ones. I could just imaging her throwing herself at Heero, almost strangling him in joy, and his arms wrapped around her waist holding her close as he smiled that shy smile, that small little grin of pleasure. I could just imagine him laughing for her, stealing a kiss, just standing close, brushing her hand, tucking her hair behind her ear, whispering into her neck.
I could feel my face and stomach contort a little more as every new, little thing, every new touch, every, little way he could make her happy, was bestowed on her in my mind.
And she returned them.
I was acting like some sort of jealous girlfriend. What was up with that? Why all of a sudden did Relena acting like she normally did make me feel so....so confused, so hurt, so.... whatever this feeling was.
Heero's reaction danced teasingly across the back of my head. He was smiling at her, why was he smiling at her? He barely smiles for me. Why did I care he was smiling for her? He'd probably paired up with her to go places tonnes of times, just like I paired up with Hilde, it wasn't supposed to mean anything.
My reaction indicated it clearly meant something now, but why? What for? It just didn't make any damn sense.
Then it hit me.
He'd lied.
Heero'd lied to me.
NO, I'm not a complete idiot. I do realise that just because I decide not to lie to anyone, doesn't mean they're not going to lie to me. Though it hurts a little if they do. But this one hurt a lot, obviously, I've already told you all that. It hurt more than I expected it would.
Him going out with Relena.
It hurt because I'd expected it, always thought it would happen, an inevitable conclusion that he'd told me wouldn't happen, then gone ahead and shown me it was true.
Two nights ago, in my room, just before he got up and left. Heero Yuy had told me he didn't want to go to the dance with Relena. He'd said it like he'd sincerely meant it, like he didn't give a rats arse that she might have to turn up with a gerbil because he wouldn't go with her. Like he already had someone that he really liked lined up to be asked instead.
Wow, I'm reading a lot into a very small sentence.
That had to be it though, that had to be why my chest all of a sudden decided breathing was a bad idea, because this afternoon, his smile, his shyness, clearly indicated he really did want to go with her. And he hadn't wanted to confide in me. My best buddy had decided I wasn't trustworthy, wasn't worth the effort, wasn't worth talking to.
I wanted to punch something, wanted to hit something, wanted to throttle someone.
It just felt like I was feeling too much. Not understanding enough. Too confused.
My head started trying to torture me with images of Relena's excitement, her grin so wide, she looked like a tea kettle just gone to boil, one of those squealing ones. I could just imaging her throwing herself at Heero, almost strangling him in joy, and his arms wrapped around her waist holding her close as he smiled that shy smile, that small little grin of pleasure. I could just imagine him laughing for her, stealing a kiss, just standing close, brushing her hand, tucking her hair behind her ear, whispering into her neck.
I could feel my face and stomach contort a little more as every new, little thing, every new touch, every, little way he could make her happy, was bestowed on her in my mind.
And she returned them.