Notes: Hello, Min'na-Tachi! … -weak grin- Remember me? I'm the one who wrote and never quite got around to completing that one story called "Say Cheese! :)"?
… Well, I'm BAAAAAAAAAAAA-ack!!
Wow, CHAPTER 10! It's a milestone!
Well, I'm happy to say that I really do have reasons for my long absences… Sort of. The first is that I really have to agree with Gochan – Great author. Read her story! There are possibly two main ways to derail your comedic train of thought when writing a fanfic: One is to get hooked on another anime. Thankfully, I AM NOT GUILTY! WHOOT! The second, though, is to watch Seisou Hen, cough, which is BAR NONE the MOST DEPRESSING anime video I have EVER SEEN in my ENTIRE LIFE! I was diagnosed with Chronic Seisou Hen Depression Syndrome, and so was quite unable to write something funny. (Even ask Icebluedragon! She's the one who was forced to read my rather depressing and long e-mails…) My God, I have never written so many one-shots containing death in my whole life. This doesn't even compare to my slight depression after watching that new Japanese movie about the fish tank. (Who's seen that? If you haven't, don't. It makes you suicidal.)
So, this is my late Christmas present to you all. Hopefully, I'm going to get it done tonight! It's January First (HAPPY NEW YEAR!) and so I've decided it's a good day to write! Start off the year with a clean slate! … I hope! Please excuse the horrifically long wait. I hope you understand.
I'm sorry about how long these notes are going to be, too. I have a lot to say, and it's ALL IMPORTANT, so please read it, PLEASE!
As you know, this was initially going to be an omake chapter, something stupid that would hopefully be better than all of my previous omake, which, sorry to say, have stunk. Unfortunately, however, I can't think of anything to make an omake about. I was thinking a party, and then I was thinking of some kind of studio thing, but it just didn't ring!
So… I NEED YOUR HELP! If you send me something, I'll seriously post it as part of my story! Send me a silly one-shot, a character vignette, WHATEVER! Or, send me an idea for an omake! You all know my e-mail address! Come ON, people, I just need something creative to write about. My chapters are so easy to write, because they're so… incredibly… not plot-driven. I can just rant on and on… But in this case, I have to stick to some kind of one-shotted plot, so that I can continue on with the story after it's over… So, send me ANYTHING! Heck, send me something that has nothing to do with Kenshin at all! ANYTHING, PEOPLES!!!
-deep breath- Okay, so, speaking of the story… It's nearly over. sigh I'm a little sad, but you all know what this means! SEQUEL TIME! I've got big plans, man! -grins evilly-
Now, you all know that Aoshi-chan won. You still have maybe this chapter, the omake and ONE MORE CHAPTER ONLY to change your votes! It's up to you, people! Yes, the story will ONLY HAVE TWO MORE CHAPTERS! To be honest, I never wanted it to be longer than about five chapters… I guess I just continued because people seemed to like it! THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!
Do you know what, though? -ping!- Sudden realization! I have no clue how I'm going to end this story! I guess… I never really expected to finish it! … Can't you see how painstaking it was to even get this far?!
-sniffle- I think I've ranted on enough now. I should put this excess chocolate energy to good use. -looks up- Gosh, I just wrote a WHOLE BUNCH of really long paragraphs, didn't I?
Aight, then… LET'S MOVE ON!!
Warnings:
Disclaimer: I own Kenshin.
I am hereby dedicating this chapter to several different things.
- Icebluedragon: THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH! You actually helped me! I think the e-mails that I sent kinda got me all hyped up. And you keep sticking to me! I don't know why! THANK YOU THANK YOU THANK YOU!
- Incoherence: The word and the reviewer. I don't know why, but the inspirational word for this chapter was, in fact, Incoherence. -bows- Thank you, Dictionary! -bows- Thank you, Incoherence! Though, I didn't actually use a dictionary… I thought it would just sound cool to thank the dictionary for being inspiring. (As ridiculous as that sounds)
- Dreammaster2411 and her intensely creative and random ideas. Whee! I was given a GOAT! -evil glare- BEWARE THE APPEARANCE OF THE RANDOM GOAT! This chapter is dedicated to all of you goats out there who never EVER get any credit for ANYTHING! POWER TO THE GOATS! !
That's it! I'm sorry this took so long! -gaspeth- TWO PAGES OF NOTES!? GAAH!! (Makes you wonder how long this chapter is going to be, ne? At this rate, I won't be done until the third, even if I type sans arret!
Hoo boy, that's ENOUGH! PUSHETH FORTH!
Say Cheese! :)
'Speak Rarely, Carry a Large and Random Slab of that Pink Insulating Stuff '
THERE WAS… SOMETHING…
AND IT WAS… SOMETHING… I SUPPOSE…
AND THEN, THERE WAS SOMETHING ELSE…
AND IT WAS ALSO… SOMETHING… I SUPPOSE…
AND KAMI SAT ON HIS HIGH HORSE AND WAS CONFUSED…
BUT IT WAS OKAY!
BECAUSE KAMI REALLY DIDN'T NEED TO BE CONFUSED AT ALL!
AND WHY?
THE "SOMETHING"S WERE IRRELEVANT…
AND THE STORY WAS ALSO IRRELEVANT, MUCH LIKE IT HAD BEEN THE CHAPTER BEFORE!
AND SO, THERE WAS REALLY NO CHANGE…
WHICH WAS ALL TOO BAD…
BUT KAMI WAS HAPPY…
AND KENSHIN WAS HAPPY…
AND SAITOU WASN'T HAPPY…
BUT IT WAS ALL RIGHT, BECAUSE IT WAS ALL JUST MAKE-BELIEVE ANYWAY.
Chapter 10:
On the Relevancy of Context and On the Nature of What is Plot
Saitou frowned.
And frowned again.
And frowned again.
And frowned again.
Something wasn't right.
Saitou could feel it in his bones. He could feel it, feel it with that tingling sensation that worked its way through his spine whenever EVIL was present, and whenever something wasn't right.
Yes, something most definitely wasn't right.
But, alas, he had no clue what it was.
And so, he walked and pondered and smoked in a very Saitou-ish way, as he was in fact Saitou, and so, really, it was not quite so unpredictable that he was acting in his usual way.
And he thought, and he thought about what the problem could possibly be!
Evil person out to destroy Japan?
No.
Evil person out to take over Japan?
No.
Evil henchman out to fulfill random prophecies?
No.
Evil goat out to wreak havoc?
… No.
Saitou glanced to his side at the perpetrating goat, who merely blinked at him in response and chewed on something thoughtfully.
No, the goat certainly wasn't evil.
And Saitou frowned in this realization.
And he continued trekking forth on his nonexistent pursuit, trying to deter his thoughts from those that spoke to him of blood, of gore, of guts, spilling and gushing and spewing and choking and… smiling?
And Saitou suddenly gasped. THAT WAS IT!
And he looked to his other side and frowned. And he frowned deeply, his brow crinkling up unappealingly and his eyes narrowing to next-to-nothing.
Oh, yes.
Something was up, indeed.
Kenshin smil--er… He sort-of-smiled.
He was slowly coming to the cognition that the Train Called Saitou was not quite so easy to derail as he had initially thought.
For one, the man was as stiff as a board. Not any sort of joke, pun or otherwise, had been able to smudge away the rather disconcerting, ever-present frown. He was, in fact, so impermeable that he could drop dead any second and Kenshin likely wouldn't notice until quite some time later.
He didn't move, unless he was walking. He didn't speak unless spoken to, and even then it was a rare occurrence. He simply didn't do anything!
And Kenshin was nearly at the end of his rope on this one.
And he looked up -- way up -- at his prey/ victim/ subject/ guinea pig and glared in a very un-Kenshin-like way!
But, alas, Saitou either didn't notice, or didn't care, as he continued en route without so much as a blink or even a breath…
And Kenshin got a teensy bit irked at this.
And Saitou inwardly smiled.
And they continued on their silent way for a horribly long time, Saitou expecting a warlord behind every bush, and Kenshin simply marveling at his own misfortune.
And soon, the authoress decided she had started too many sentences with "and," and provided another major(ly predictable) plot twist.
Soujiro smiled. Somewhat.
He was happy. Somewhat.
He was also hungry, he thought decidedly as he wandered aimlessly through… wherever it was he was wandering aimlessly.
And soon, as it may have been foretold, he came across none other than our two main characters, who strove to not include the other in any sort of thing.
… Which, of course, was now impossible.
Soujiro smiled at the two of them, and was minutely surprised as he was met with only one smile in return.
And, no, it wasn't Saitou.
And Kenshin was quick to decide that not only was Saitou silent, brooding and pertinacious, but also rude, which was unbecoming.
And Soujiro simply stared at them both a tad confusedly.
… Which, of course, made him think that there was "something strange" was going on.
And so, Soujiro stood in his confused state, and Kenshin stood in his slightly irked state, and Saitou stood in his "blah" state, respectively.
And all in all, nothing interesting happened.
After quite a few years and decades and millennia of standing there, the threesome grew rather bored, and so Soujiro decided to speak. (GASP!)
He thought for a moment before venturing his, um… query. "Er, Himura-san…" He grinned. "I was pondering the lack of any sort of real final battle between us and, you know…"
Kenshin blinked.
Saitou blinked and said monotonously, "You know, he's got a point."
And Kenshin blinked again.
And Soujiro smiled.
And Kenshin blinked.
And the goat suddenly appeared out of nowhere and said, "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!" but only because the authoress thought it was a very appropriate sound for a goat to make.
And suddenly…
A man tore out of the bushes, which hadn't been there 20 seconds ago. He screamed and yelled and shouted loudly, running about in an obvious state of paranoia. "THE ESCALATORS ARE UPON US! THE ESCALATORS ARE UPON US!"
He repeated this phrase quite a few times, twisting and turning about in agony, before he was, all of a sudden, attacked by a band of killer termites.
But then he ran away.
And so… that was simply another useless plot filler.
"Anou…" Kenshin said. "That was random, de gozaru…"
And Soujiro smiled sheepishly, and Saitou stood in his usual way.
And, generally, one couldn't tell in the least that something interesting had just happened.
And Saitou frowned, for lack of something better to do.
Soujiro was somewhat dumbfounded. After all, this was the first experience he'd had with this story, really, where he hadn't had some kind of evil backup.
He was quick to decide that these incidents were strange, indeed.
But he smiled nonetheless, hiding his confusion and pain and sorrow and anger, as he often did.
And no one expected anything out-of-the-ordinary to happen.
And, of course, as they had expected, nothing out-of-the-ordinary happened.
… Or did it??
Shishio was angered.
He was maddened.
He was irked.
And, generally, he didn't like it.
Shishio frowned. There was something about being in a hole that he didn't really like.
It was dark.
It was dank.
It was dangerous.
And Shishio decided that he really hadn't been a very good evil villain in the first place, being as most evil villains, as far as he knew, thrived in the darkest, dankest, dangerous-est places.
And he sobbed incessantly into the nearest available surface, and he sobbed and he sobbed some more, and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed and sobbed.
Yes, he was MAD!!
But he was also sad.
And he decided that he was SAD AND MAD!!
AND SO HE THOUGHT IN CAPITAL LETTERS ANGRILY, PONDERING CRUEL MEANS OF TORTURE AND INCREDIBLY DOOM-FILLED PHENOMENA!!
But then he was scared, and he thought about fuzzy bunnies, and puppies in flowery fields, instead.
And he smiled.
And he was suddenly not so sad about being in the hole, and he sprang up from the ground ( like a daisy!) and painted the walls pink.
Yes, this might not be so bad at all!!
Saitou frowned.
He was bored.
He was very bored.
In fact, he was so very bored that he felt he was about to die from sheer bored-ness.
And so, he did.
"BUAAAAAAAAAAAH!" he said as he died.
But then he got up again, having realized that boredom really didn't give him suicidal urges.
And he frowned.
And frowned again.
And looked to the side, where a ferocious and potentially life-threatening FINAL BATTLE was taking place.
…
Really.
The fight was intense.
The pressure was high.
The fan anticipation was through the roof!
Kenshin and Soujiro stared each other down, both wearing a "fearsome battle look" and a… smile?
But then Soujiro spoke, and the irrelevancy of the previous paragraph was forgotten. Hopefully.
"Before we start," he began, "I have something important to say."
And Kenshin waited patiently for him to finish.
…
Silence.
And more silence.
Crickets chirped.
"Anou… Soujiro-kun?" he asked tentatively.
"Nani?"
He blinked. "Did you have something to say, de gozaru ka?"
Soujiro blushed. "Sou… Hai, hai!" He waited an excruciatingly long moment before suddenly yelling out, "Jack likes chicken!"
"Oro?"
"Jack likes chicken."
Kenshin stared in mixed befuddlement and anxiety. "Um… Oh."
"Yes. Jack likes chicken, Jack likes chicken, Jack likes chicken, Jack likes chicken!!!!"
And Kenshin blinked for the umpteenth time in this chapter.
Soujiro took a deep breath, as if he were about to speak of something terribly important or random. He sighed.
And sighed again.
And spoke, finally. "Okay, FIIIINE! You win, already!"
"O-oro??"
"I said, YOU WIN!"
"An--"
"Shhh! What I say goes! And I say, YOU WIN!" He smiled. "And I'm LEAVING!"
And then he was gone.
Kenshin stood there in bewilderment.
Saitou frowned.
Aoshi suddenly appeared out of FrenchHornSpace and… honked.
The goat did what goats do.
And, all in all, it was with quiet determination that this story continued.
Saitou frowned. He was confused.
And they all stood there rather pointlessly, until Kenshin decided to speak again. "Er… Why are we all just standing here, de gozaru ka?"
Aoshi looked at the giant sundial at his side and gasped. "Oh, no!" he gasped.
Saitou, in turn, looked at the sundial as well. And gasped. "Oh, no!" he gasped.
And Kenshin looked at the sundial, but then turned and looked at the other two men confusedly. Sighing, he simply said to some unknown force, "Authoress-dono, this chapter really lacks randomness, de gozaru…"
And suddenly, the authoress herself appeared out of nowhere. "Fiiiiiiiiiine," she spoke with abandon. "Saitou-sama, you're going to speak in Shakespearean from now on! Kenshin-sama, take this spoon and dig a big hole with it! Aoshi-sama…" She paused momentarily and pulled a fish out of a nearby tree. "Cook this."
And she left in a rain of Bishounen Subjugating Collars (1).
And so, the world resumed its random state.
Kenshin, after a short amount of time, began digging with the tiny plastic spoon he had been provided with. Once he had reached China, he looked around precariously and said, "Ohh… So this is what China looks like, de gozaru!"
But then he left, being as it really wasn't all that interesting.
Aoshi cooked. He was a miserable cook, to say the very least.
And the fish BURNED!
And he cried.
And then he rushed over to Saitou and shook his shoulders roughly. "WHY, WHY, WHY, SAITOU? WHY IS IT ALWAYS ME? WHYYYYYYYY!?!?!"
And then he rushed over to the goat and yelled, "WHY, GOAT-CHAN?! WHY MEEEEE?????"
And Goat-chan said, "AUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUGH!"
And Aoshi blinked at it and felt a little better. "Do you really think so?" He sniffled and sniveled in a very un-Aoshi-like sort of way.
And suddenly, Aoshi was happy, and he and the goat walked off into the sunset.
Saitou frowned.
And frowned again.
And frowned again.
And frowned again.
And with a frown, he said, "I hath spoken and the puerile humor shall justly be denied forthwith. Come, and thou shall understand the uncanny nadirs of that which is brevity and its brusque temperamental understating in that which is misunderstood in the eyes of men."
And Kenshin blinked.
And suddenly, out of nowhere, Random Hippie Person appeared, and said with a random and knowing yell, "AMEN TO THAT, MY BROTHA!!"
And Kenshin blinked. Again.
And Saitou frooooooooooooooooowned.
Owari, Chapter 10
(1) I don't own Bishounen Subjugating Collars. Someone else invented them. However, I find them extremely useful!
Wow, people! This chapter is even longer than Chapter 9! -grin-
Well, I think I pretty much said everything I wanted to at the beginning of the chapter (Sorry, peeps) so I guess I'll just move on to…
The Dictionary that Absolutely Nobody Needs But Which I Feel is Necessary for the Sake of Randomness:
Anou: Literally, "Um…"
Bishounen: Literally, "pretty boy." Loosely, it means, generally, any (i.e. all) anime men with any kind of appeal. (If you catch my drift…)
-chan: Usually used to refer to someone younger than you, or to someone you're in a very friendly relationship with.
De gozaru: Literally, "that it is," "that he is," etc.
-dono: Extremely polite and archaic suffix, normally used only by Kenshin. This is even more respectful than –sama. This title is something like giving an English-speaking person the title, "Milord So-and-so."
Hai: Yes
Kami: God or Gods. Usually referred to as "Kami-sama."
-kun: Usually used in reference to someone younger than you, OR in the case of relationships in, i.e. ranking. Higher-to-lower. Savvy?
Minna: Everyone
Nani: What?
Oro:
Owari: End or "The End"
-sama: Very polite suffix
-san: Something like our English "Mr." or "Mrs."
Sou: Right…
-tachi: Something like the suffix "-gumi" as in "Kenshin-gumi." Literally, "this group of people." In other words, Bob's friends/ group of people would simply be "Bob-tachi," though that sounds really ridiculous.
Right! That's it! You all know the drill! REVIEW ME OR I'LL BLUDGEON YOU TO DEATH WITH MY SAKABATOU!!!!!!
BUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!!!
Okay, people. Please, PLEASE send me ideas, short stories, random nothingness, character vignettes, WHATEVER! You know you want to! -grin-
Moving on to Reviewer Thank-Yous! (I love doing these! )
Note that these are in the order they arrived, from most recent to least.
Guardianangeloflight: I'm glad you think it was funny. -blinks- "Good writing style makes us laugh more"??? There was more than one of you? Orooooooooo… I'm confuzzled.
Keiko Sonoda: Beautifully random… Thank you! I love randomness…
Shihali: Reminds you of Excel Saga? -blinks- Must go and find this "Excel Saga"! Sure, I've heard of it, but never seen it! Oh, darn. You shouldn't have mentioned that. Now I'm likely to go and get hooked on it… Thanks for reviewing!
Me: Me? -blinks- I know you! But waaaaaaaait… How do I know you're really you? What if you're actually one of my alter personas pretending to be you, but you're actually ME? Who is ME, anyway? How do I know it wasn't just me sending myself a review? AAGH! I'm confused now.
Aharah Musici: Someone recommended this to you? Wow… I didn't think people actually liked it enough to force it one someone ELSE! -grin- Thanks a ton! You're scared? THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!! That's the nicest thing you could possibly have said to me! Don't sequelize this? Thanks for that, too! Someone agrees!
Kouhikouryuu: I hope I spelled that right… Your first Kenshin fic, and you picked mine? -sob- I feel so WANTED! Don't worry! To me, reviewer #102 is just as special as reviewer #100!! ALL PRAISE 102! ALL PRAISE 102! Thank you so much for reading!
Kitty Katana: -gapes- That review was nearly as long as this chapter… I loved it! Though, you've developed in me an intense fear of dots stop That's why I'm writing this as a telegram stop Thanks for reviewing stop I love you stop Though not really stop Hope you liked the next installment stop
Ethelflaed: REVIEWER 100!!! WHOOOOOOOOOOOEEEE!! Arigatou a million times over simply for THAT! Wheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee… Sorry Soujiro didn't win. I should write a bonus chapter at the end of this, just for him! Anyways… I know, Kenshin's really bad at acting random.
Kenshin: Hey!
But you are! He had so much trouble acting his part in this story… -sigh-
Kenshin: -blink-
You see? All he did this chapter was blink! Seriously!!
Ahem. You are not stupid. Saitou's motto is "Aku Soku Zan," which means "Slay Evil Instantly." You are not stupid. Never say that. You were just curious.
Saitou: -snort-
Shut up.
Gosh, this was a long "thank you." But, thank you!
Dreammaster2411: I know you! You're the one who wrote that EXTREMELY FUNNY STORY "The Story of What Happens When Something Happens"!!!! Yeeeeeeeeeee!! You're my role model! I LOVE your story to death! I can't believe you reviewed my humble little story and I! You know, you've instilled in me a paranoia of goats. THEY'RE ALL GOING TO ATTACK ME! ! Seriously, now. Every time I stopped writing this chapter, the goat would glare and glare at me, until I finally got it done. Goats are scary. But they're also random! huggles THANK YOU SOOOOOOOOOOOOOO MUCH!!!
GuseBat: Wow, a poem! … Sort of. OOH! I got another present! -huggles plushies- YAY! You have a half-track mind? That's okay, so do I. … What was I saying? Thank you a million times!
Icebluedragon-SAAAAAAAAMAAAAAAAAAAAA!!!!!!: Wow, that review had a lot of (shift6shift6)x. -counts- Five of them! In one review! WAI! I feel "(shift6shift6)x"'d. I can't ask you to update 'cause your story's done! So… WRITE SOMETHING NEW! You know you want to! … Yes, I take Kendo. Did I already tell you that? I forget. Anyways, it's so much fun! Anyways, you know I know you know I know… goes on forever Wow, I just used "anyways" two sentences in a row! GAHHH!!! Er… Long "thank you"… ARIGATOU TEN MILLION TRILLION GAZILLION MORE TIMES!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
Sakiya: The School for the Wannabe Villains?
Shishio: I've already been there. It didn't help. They told you how to calculate the aerodynamics of roses and the probability of Good over Evil and… -rants-
Yes, Shishio can't be helped, though I'm glad you tried. He's gone off the deep end.
Shishio: PINK!
-sigh- Thanks a lot for reviewing me!
Inu-AngelZ: Wow, I haven't heard from you in awhile! -sheepish grin- Actually, I've never even seen the Matrix. I just thought that "There is no spoon" was a funny thing to put in a Disclaimer… ORO! I'm glad you're laughing. Laughing is good. Laughing is our friend. Laughing is—
Kenshin: Thank you very much for reviewing this story…
Laughing is nice. Laughing goes with—
Kenshin: Arigatou. Nice hippo to you, too! (Shift6shift6 stupid QuickEdit )x
Laughing is friendly. Laughing makes people love you. Laughing is—
Kenshin: Sayonara.
Anyways, that's it!
I'm poor. Every time you click the review button, $ is donated to "The Charity for Poor Authoresses." So, this winter, give a damn.
Don't drink and drive.
One last note to leave you with. I, myself, go to a very academic school, and this year we're studying The Odyssey, which, as you all know, includes a character called Odysseus.
Now… Let's say you have more than one Odysseus. That would be Odysseuses, right? Now, what if you have several Odysseuses owning something? What would you call it? Odysseuses'? Odysseuseses'? Odysseuses's???
Someone help me with this completely random Problem of the Week.
And, while you're at it, review me.
Ja ne, minna-sama!
Next Chapter: On the Sort of Kind of End of the Story and On Saitou's Impertinence and On Kenshin's Rather Dogged Determination and On How Long Chapter Names Have a Tendency to Degrade the Initial Appeal of the Story in General
Please look forward to it.