I'm gay.
I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.
I'm gay.
Man this is so totally not fair.
Why, Oh why...
I keep seeing Heero.
That one moment. Sprawled across my chest. Right there in front of me.
Then gone.
I can't believe...I can't.
How could I of been friends with him for so long and not have realised.
Hell.
How could I of been gay and not realised. What am I, seventeen, don't people usually figure it out earlier than that?
It's stupid.
I'm stupid.
Really dumb.
I just ran out of Heero's house with no shoes on and I'm pacing back and forth less than a block away.
What am I going to do???
Call Quatre.
Haven't got a phone.
Go *home*, call Quatre.
Jan's there tonight.
Damn.
Go to Quatre's.
That's miles away.
Take a cab.
No money. Left all my stuff at Heero's.
Fur...ri...hi...hig.
Frig!
Right. Calm and rational.
Heero obviously doesn't hate me overly much or he wouldn't have tried to prevent me from getting out the door.
He doesn't have a problem with gay people in general, just his best friend putting the moves on him.
He's not going to mind me coming back.
I hope.
Going back.
Right.
Right?
Yes.
Going back.
Bare feet was not a good idea. I think I have popcorn between my toes.
Passing the overly high fence separating Heero's front yard from his neighbours, the streetlight reveals a rather depressed looking Heero sitting on the steps head on arms on knees.
He looks up when I open the gate.
I wish he didn't look so uncertain.
He stands as I make my way up the path and steps onto the footpath so we're at eyelevel.
"I didn't think you'd come back."
I take a deep breath and look him in the eye. "Look, your my best mate, I don't want to give that up."
He looks down. "You don't hate me?"
Err, no. "You didn't do anything wrong."
He nods and leads the way inside.
Back in the lounge room we start picking up the mess we made. The silence is killing me.
He's not talking. Not like that's unusual, but, maybe the present situation could've been excepted, at least, I was hoping it would be, cause I'm kinda lost for words.
He won't look at me.
Does he know I'm watching him?
When the clock ticks round to eleven thirty we head up the hall to Heero's bedroom. For some reason he's kinda strict about his bedtime. Dr J obviously has him well drilled.
I get the sheets out of the linen closet and we take the top mattress off Heero's bed and make up the other half.
Heero went to turn all the lights out and came back with two mugs of hot chocolate. Flipping off the bedroom light he passed me a mug and sat on his bed just out of reach of the street light.
And we did talk.
Not about anything important. All the things I wanted to know, I was too afraid to ask. We talked about where we were going next year, what we wanted to do, things we wished for that we didn't believe would ever happen.
When I came back from taking the mugs to the kitchen, Heero was standing near the window looking out.
When I move over to stand next to him he turns towards me.
I want to hug him.
I wish I could hug him.
Before all this he would've just stood there and taken it. It wouldn't have been a proper hug even, just me leaning on him.
God, I hope he doesn't reject me.
Awkwardly, I raise my arm, watching him for any hint, will he accept?
Step closer, he looks at the floor, then he grabs me.
His chin digs into my shoulder.
"You mean a lot to me you know."
"Yeah, same back to you buddy."
He lets go hastily, not one for mushy moments. A small smile creeps onto my face. I think that's the first real hug he's ever given me. It's a little bittersweet as it's another of those moments that won't happen again. At least, not for a very long time.
I drop down onto the mattress and strip down to my boxers before snuggling under the covers.
I listen to Heero shuffling about and I'm not surprised when he yanks his pillow out from underneath my head and wacks me in the face with the other one.
Man, talk about picky. Won't let his guest have the good one for once.
Heero's alarm didn't go off.
Thankfully he seems to have an inbuilt timer and woke up not long after it we were supposed to so we didn't have to rush.
Well, not until Heero remembered it was Tuesday and he had his early morning tute class with Wu fei. We split up at the intersection so I could go home and get new clothes.
When I got to school, I discovered Heero and Wu fei had foregone class to play basketball instead. Heero must've been too late.
Settling myself on the bench hidden beneath a tree, I push a branch down a little further so I can see the basketball court properly.
Poor Wu fei's not getting much of a competition this morning. Heero doesn't look like he's even really trying.
"Duo?" Aack, I've been found.
"Oh hi, Quatre." I disentangle myself from the bush.
"What are you doing?" I look over at the basketball court to point them out, but evidently Heero's given up trying to play at all, Wu fei's leading him towards the main building.
I look back at Quatre.
The basketball court.
Quatre.
Err, where's my voice gone?
"So, did he tell you?" Tell me wha...oh right.
Heero knows I'm gay and he's not. Could he be talking about anything else?
"Well yeah, you could say that, let's just say I got the gist of it." Man this so sucked. What was it to Quatre anyway?
"And?"
"And what? A Gay guy comes on to his straight best friend then realises his mistake, what do you think I did Quat?" Oh don't look at me like that you....you..."I ran ok."
"Oh Duo."
"Don't worry, I went back, it's just, I was lost, I didn't know what to do Quat-man?"
"You have to talk to him, explain how you feel, you guys have a great friendship. Don't ruin it because you don't feel the same as him. Your hurting him reacting like this."
"He's hurting? How does he think I feel?" Just fine and dandy? "Quat, I like him so much and he'll never return it." I look at him hoping for an answer.
But...he's looking confused...and vaguely....surprised.
"Quat?"
Now he's smiling.
What's he smiling for?
"What, exactly happened last night?" I don't like that look.
"Err, well, he...umm, homework, popcorn, movie, a fight." He frowns slightly. "Just a play one, we were stuffing around. He won and we were lying on the floor, next thing you know his face was right there and I nearly kissed...."
"You, nearly kissed him?" he squeaked.
"Yeah, I nearly kissed him and...."
"Really??" By golly, he's turned pink.
"Yes, really," He looks like he's about to, I don't know, explode or something. Doesn't he get it? "As sweet as it is Quat, there's no need to get excited, we both know Heero's never going to go for me and..."
"DUO!" Oh shit, it's Relena.
"Gotta go Quat, stall her for me" I refuse to be earbashed by....her. I managed to avoid her yesterday through Heero's deathglares and a rather ominous teacher during detention, I will avoid her today. Discourteous as it might be. I'm not ready to hear the details of her break up and how I caused it.
I make a dash for the school buildings.
"No Duo, wait!"
"Sorry Quat!"
"You've got it all wrong!"
I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay, I'm gay.
I'm gay.
Man this is so totally not fair.
Why, Oh why...
I keep seeing Heero.
That one moment. Sprawled across my chest. Right there in front of me.
Then gone.
I can't believe...I can't.
How could I of been friends with him for so long and not have realised.
Hell.
How could I of been gay and not realised. What am I, seventeen, don't people usually figure it out earlier than that?
It's stupid.
I'm stupid.
Really dumb.
I just ran out of Heero's house with no shoes on and I'm pacing back and forth less than a block away.
What am I going to do???
Call Quatre.
Haven't got a phone.
Go *home*, call Quatre.
Jan's there tonight.
Damn.
Go to Quatre's.
That's miles away.
Take a cab.
No money. Left all my stuff at Heero's.
Fur...ri...hi...hig.
Frig!
Right. Calm and rational.
Heero obviously doesn't hate me overly much or he wouldn't have tried to prevent me from getting out the door.
He doesn't have a problem with gay people in general, just his best friend putting the moves on him.
He's not going to mind me coming back.
I hope.
Going back.
Right.
Right?
Yes.
Going back.
Bare feet was not a good idea. I think I have popcorn between my toes.
Passing the overly high fence separating Heero's front yard from his neighbours, the streetlight reveals a rather depressed looking Heero sitting on the steps head on arms on knees.
He looks up when I open the gate.
I wish he didn't look so uncertain.
He stands as I make my way up the path and steps onto the footpath so we're at eyelevel.
"I didn't think you'd come back."
I take a deep breath and look him in the eye. "Look, your my best mate, I don't want to give that up."
He looks down. "You don't hate me?"
Err, no. "You didn't do anything wrong."
He nods and leads the way inside.
Back in the lounge room we start picking up the mess we made. The silence is killing me.
He's not talking. Not like that's unusual, but, maybe the present situation could've been excepted, at least, I was hoping it would be, cause I'm kinda lost for words.
He won't look at me.
Does he know I'm watching him?
When the clock ticks round to eleven thirty we head up the hall to Heero's bedroom. For some reason he's kinda strict about his bedtime. Dr J obviously has him well drilled.
I get the sheets out of the linen closet and we take the top mattress off Heero's bed and make up the other half.
Heero went to turn all the lights out and came back with two mugs of hot chocolate. Flipping off the bedroom light he passed me a mug and sat on his bed just out of reach of the street light.
And we did talk.
Not about anything important. All the things I wanted to know, I was too afraid to ask. We talked about where we were going next year, what we wanted to do, things we wished for that we didn't believe would ever happen.
When I came back from taking the mugs to the kitchen, Heero was standing near the window looking out.
When I move over to stand next to him he turns towards me.
I want to hug him.
I wish I could hug him.
Before all this he would've just stood there and taken it. It wouldn't have been a proper hug even, just me leaning on him.
God, I hope he doesn't reject me.
Awkwardly, I raise my arm, watching him for any hint, will he accept?
Step closer, he looks at the floor, then he grabs me.
His chin digs into my shoulder.
"You mean a lot to me you know."
"Yeah, same back to you buddy."
He lets go hastily, not one for mushy moments. A small smile creeps onto my face. I think that's the first real hug he's ever given me. It's a little bittersweet as it's another of those moments that won't happen again. At least, not for a very long time.
I drop down onto the mattress and strip down to my boxers before snuggling under the covers.
I listen to Heero shuffling about and I'm not surprised when he yanks his pillow out from underneath my head and wacks me in the face with the other one.
Man, talk about picky. Won't let his guest have the good one for once.
Heero's alarm didn't go off.
Thankfully he seems to have an inbuilt timer and woke up not long after it we were supposed to so we didn't have to rush.
Well, not until Heero remembered it was Tuesday and he had his early morning tute class with Wu fei. We split up at the intersection so I could go home and get new clothes.
When I got to school, I discovered Heero and Wu fei had foregone class to play basketball instead. Heero must've been too late.
Settling myself on the bench hidden beneath a tree, I push a branch down a little further so I can see the basketball court properly.
Poor Wu fei's not getting much of a competition this morning. Heero doesn't look like he's even really trying.
"Duo?" Aack, I've been found.
"Oh hi, Quatre." I disentangle myself from the bush.
"What are you doing?" I look over at the basketball court to point them out, but evidently Heero's given up trying to play at all, Wu fei's leading him towards the main building.
I look back at Quatre.
The basketball court.
Quatre.
Err, where's my voice gone?
"So, did he tell you?" Tell me wha...oh right.
Heero knows I'm gay and he's not. Could he be talking about anything else?
"Well yeah, you could say that, let's just say I got the gist of it." Man this so sucked. What was it to Quatre anyway?
"And?"
"And what? A Gay guy comes on to his straight best friend then realises his mistake, what do you think I did Quat?" Oh don't look at me like that you....you..."I ran ok."
"Oh Duo."
"Don't worry, I went back, it's just, I was lost, I didn't know what to do Quat-man?"
"You have to talk to him, explain how you feel, you guys have a great friendship. Don't ruin it because you don't feel the same as him. Your hurting him reacting like this."
"He's hurting? How does he think I feel?" Just fine and dandy? "Quat, I like him so much and he'll never return it." I look at him hoping for an answer.
But...he's looking confused...and vaguely....surprised.
"Quat?"
Now he's smiling.
What's he smiling for?
"What, exactly happened last night?" I don't like that look.
"Err, well, he...umm, homework, popcorn, movie, a fight." He frowns slightly. "Just a play one, we were stuffing around. He won and we were lying on the floor, next thing you know his face was right there and I nearly kissed...."
"You, nearly kissed him?" he squeaked.
"Yeah, I nearly kissed him and...."
"Really??" By golly, he's turned pink.
"Yes, really," He looks like he's about to, I don't know, explode or something. Doesn't he get it? "As sweet as it is Quat, there's no need to get excited, we both know Heero's never going to go for me and..."
"DUO!" Oh shit, it's Relena.
"Gotta go Quat, stall her for me" I refuse to be earbashed by....her. I managed to avoid her yesterday through Heero's deathglares and a rather ominous teacher during detention, I will avoid her today. Discourteous as it might be. I'm not ready to hear the details of her break up and how I caused it.
I make a dash for the school buildings.
"No Duo, wait!"
"Sorry Quat!"
"You've got it all wrong!"