Let It Snow
Chapter Six: But My Dear, We're Still Good-Bying
Quote: I would rather be a coward than brave because people hurt you when you are brave. E. M. Forster (1879 - 1970), as a small child
Lily Evans had never been so confused in her entire life. Once she had stopped crying, (a feat all its own) she began to try to sort through what was going on. She knew that kissing James had been fundamentally wrong, but then that left her with the rather uncomfortable question of why it had felt so right. She tried to piece together how it had happened but all she couldn't separate herself enough from the situation to get any real perspective.
And then there were her feelings. James had said he loved her...loved… not liked or thought was pretty, but loved and as much as Lily wished she could deny it, she felt something that could not be identified, something that could only be call love. She thought she knew what love was, she thought she loved Sirius…but this…what she felt…was so totally different than anything she had felt before. She knew she felt very strongly for Sirius, cared very deeply for him, but there was no urgency in that caring…no passion. The longer Lily thought on it, the more she realized what she felt for Sirius was more akin to what she felt for her sister before she had come to Hogwarts, than what she felt for James.
But why was she feeling anything at all for James? She had barely known him, really known him, for more than a week. It was crazy, unheard of, ridiculous…and yet…when he kissed her…
Sirius…what was she going to do about Sirius? Had she ever felt for him as she now did for James? Was there once this sort of excitement and desire and it had settled into a calmer relationship over time? Or had it always been this way, and Lily, naïve, had mistaken companionship for chemistry?
She was going in circles, and at the end of the night, when the fire had died out and James still had not returned, there was only one thing she was sure of…No matter what she might feel for James, the hard fact remained that James was Sirius' best friend and Sirius, when no one else but Adelle would give her the time of day, had shown interest in her. He had seen her when no one else would and had seen what no one else would. She owed everything to him. He had built her up, made her believe in herself and she owed it to him to build him up, not bring him down. Even if losing Lily would have been bearable for Sirius, she would not, could not, allow him to be hurt by James too. He was a good person and he deserved better than that.
She had James were going to forget about this whole thing.
*****
James Potter caught a glimpse of himself in a window shop and grimaced. He looked absolutely terrible. He had never, in his entire life, been in worse situation. When his parents had died he had felt like he had died too, but no matter how terrible it was…no matter how long it took him to heal, he always took comfort in the fact that what had happened had happened and no one could change things. But this…he had control over this…and he was responsible for the consequences.
"What does it matter if I felt anything or not…there are other people involved here, James." Lily had said.
Her words were ringing over and over and over again in his ears. The words weren't meant to hurt, but they stung him and badly. There are other people involved here. His actions affected other people's happiness. What a foreign and terrifying concept. What he did not only mattered to him but might hurt someone else too. And not just any someone else either. Sirius and Adelle. His best friend and his girlfriend. Such an idea should not have thrown him for a loop as much as it did, and once the shock had settled down, James began to wonder: how long had he been so self-involved? Had he always been this way? Or was it just since his parents had died?
He tried desperately to remember what he had been like before his parents' deaths but that seemed so very far away from him now, and he didn't entirely trust his memory anyway. He didn't generally think of himself as a selfish person. He was always standing up for wormtail, wasn't he? And he always thought he'd die to help Sirius, and yet, here he was, getting with Sirius' girl. Some friend he turned out to be.
What was he going to do? It was clear to him now, in the cold night air, despite what he had said in the room that what had gone on couldn't continue, but even so, it wasn't as though it could be undone. What had been done was done, and what's more, was that it felt good, damn good. He wasn't even sure he was upset it had happened. He had felt more in those few minutes than he had felt in seven months with Adelle.
Adelle. Adelle was a good kisser, and beautiful, there was no doubt about that, but this had been so much better. How could he go back to the way things were, knowing how they could have been?
He paused in front of another shop window and with the frost his image was slightly blurred. He looked a little like…a little like…Sirius.
Sirius… that was how he could go back to the way things were, knowing how they could have been. Because no matter how wonderful things between Lily could have been, because of how much Sirius meant to both of them and, more importantly, how much both of them meant to Sirius, he and Lily would never be.
There was nothing to be done about it, and in that, he took infinite comfort.
*****
Thump Lily's eyes fluttered open. Sunlight streamed into the room and climbed onto her bed, leaving strokes on her bed covers. "James?" she asked sleepily as James looking exhausted and terrible tiptoed into the room.
"Yes, it's me." He said softly and took off his shoes by the fire.
"Oh…" said Lily, fully awake now.
There was a very awkward silence.
"James look…" "Lily, I…"
They both laughed nervously.
"You go first." James said.
Lily nodded and took a deep breath, staring at the floor she began. "What happened last night was a mistake…this can't continue, no matter what and I think that no matter what we might feel if anything were to go on, more people would be hurt than it would be worth it to have a go at…at…us." She was speaking very fast. She was silent for a moment before she looked up cautiously at James, whose face was stony.
He nodded. "I agree." He said and continued to warm his frozen hands by the fire.
"You do?" Lily asked uncertainly.
"Completely." James said firmly. Lily let out a sigh of relief.
"So, we're just going to leave tomorrow and everything will be fine." Lily said more to herself than to James and smoothed out the bedspread.
"If you want to think that, you go right ahead." James said, exhaustion beginning to creep into his voice.
"What is that supposed to mean?" Lily looked up quickly, suddenly alarmed.
"Well even if we don't continue it, it doesn't change the fact that it happened does it?" James asked without even looked away from the fire.
"You mean we're going to tell them?" Lily asked, her voice suddenly becoming very high.
"You mean we're not?" Said James and he bent down to add another log to the fire.
"Why should we tell them? It will only upset them and it was a silly, cabin-fever induced mistake!" Lily's face was becoming very red.
James turned around to face her and raised an eyebrow. "Cabin fever, eh?" he laughed wryly. "Alright, whatever you say, Lil."
"Well it was!" Lily cried becoming defensive. "At any rate, we can't tell them, we just can't!" Her voice was becoming very shaky and tears were beginning to fill her eyes. She was so tired and so emotionally overwhelmed that she couldn't take this anymore. She couldn't bare the thought of all this, still hurting Adelle and Sirius. What on earth had she stayed up half the night for? Lily burst into tears.
James watched uneasily, unsure of what to do. "Okay, okay, we won't tell them…I promise." He said soothingly. "Everything's going to be just fine." He moved to her and put his arms around her, but feeling that familiar feeling he promptly removed them and began to pat her back awkwardly. "We're doing the right thing, Lily." He said after a moment.
"I know." She whispered back. "But then, why does it feel so terrible?"
That was a very good question.