Disclaimer: Drow not mine…
Alhana: Yes more gentleness. And he does deserve it, after all that I put him through! (Bad me) Chocolate-cheese cake? Wonderful idea! We should start a cake buffet and invite everybody:-) I opt for something with apples as next addition.
Nariel: Kein Geld wegen Unordnung? Ha zum Glück muss ich mich mit sowas nicht mehr rumschlageng sitze hier grad in meinem höchst eigenen Sauhaufen, den meine Eltern zum Glück nicht sehen können(obwohl sie ja schon so'ne Bemerkung gemacht haben als sie das letzte Mal hier zu besuch waren…na egal Geld bekomm ich trotzdem) Quatsch du quatscht gar nicht zu viel. Freu mich jedes Mal sehr über deine Reviews! Solltest mal sehen wie ich manchmal vor'm Computer hocke und plötzlich anfange zu grinsen. …Oberin Nariel
C
Jealousy
C
After my intense, exhausting performance we're both preoccupied by disturbing thoughts and neither of us still wants to finish the only half eaten meal. Silent we leave the dining room. Silent I follow Giciel to his room, like a mute shadow always a few steps behind. Being elves we both make no noise and to someone watching us we would probably look quite eerie, drifting through the mage tower in this slightly unreal fashion.
His chamber is decorated in the same way as the rest of his home, with soft carpets and rich, sensual carvings of plants, fruits and the occasional animal. In a way it is much like my Master's, the only difference lies in the choice of motives, his being more abstract in nature. The same sense of elegant beauty is present in both rooms though and I think that if you didn't know you'd be hard pressed to say which room belongs to which person.
I'm already halfway undressed when I notice him standing on the opposite side of the bed, wearing something that looks suspiciously like a nightgown. He's staring at me strangely and I remember, belatedly his previous reaction in the bathroom. Damn! This habit of careless stripping in somebody else's presence is among the first I've acquired in my new life as slave and it'll be hard to suppress, because by now it comes without thinking. In a bedchamber you don't need any clothes and if you do leave them on for too long they'll most likely be torn anyway providing an unnecessary source of anger for your Master who then has to pay for new ones.
I don't want him to feel uncomfortable, therefore I stop and do nothing to keep from blushing, hoping it will give him a sense of concerned superiority. All in all it is a rather unsubtle reminder of what I was made to do during the last months and one I could have avoided had I been less distracted.
"Don't worry." He says quietly. "I will not make you do anything you don't want."
"Yes. Thank you." I sigh inwardly. Thank you, sometimes I really hate these two words. My Master made me thank him once for each terrible blow he gave me with a cane and I did, loud and clear, even begged for more, because he had ordered it. It still makes me shudder to think of this night.
With some effort I push the thought away. Tonight will not be like that! Clad only in the light tunic I found in the bathroom amongst the other clothes I quickly slip under the soft, green blanket to join him. True to his word he makes no move to touch me until I slide close, resting my back against his chest. Only then he lightly drapes his arm around me and nothing more. I'm very aware of course that my closeness soon causes a noticeable reaction on his side, but I decide to ignore it for now, close my eyes without another word and gradually let my breathing deepen to give the impression of sleep, but only when I'm sure that he's really asleep himself do I actually let myself relax enough to drift off as well.
Our rest only lasts until shortly before dawn though, which is mostly my fault. The necessity of instant obedience has resulted in constant, half conscious awareness on my part and causes me to react at the slightest movement or sound from anybody sharing a bed with me and when I, still half asleep, notice the presence of another behind me, whose arousal is pressing in my back I shift automatically to accommodate his need. This is of course a sure way to wake Giciel, who still trapped in some half forgotten dream reacts in the natural way and moves against me, before apparently waking to full awareness and hurriedly pulling back. His unexpected reaction brings back the memory of where I am and who I'm with.
"I'm sorry!" I say turning to face him silently cursing myself. "I didn't mean to…"
"No." He interrupts me, embarrassment obvious on his features. "I'm sorry."
"Whatever for? You were sleeping… I understand if you don't want me. I'm tainted goods after all and you have already been very generous."
He's vulnerable now in his guilt. Maybe I can pressure him into an admission of his desires. From there it would only be a short step to giving in to them.
"No!" He sounds pained. "Don't say that. You're not tainted."
"So you say. And yet you turn away from me as if burned."
The amount of hurt in my statement may be a bit overdone, but I don't expect he'll take notice in his current emotional state.
"I thought that…"
"Do you think I don't see it? Do you really expect me not to notice that you want me? And yet you are disgusted are you not?"
I look away missing the spark of distrust that appears in his eyes, therefore being unprepared for his next question.
"What are you trying to do?"
Shit! For a second my blood runs cold in my veins. I need to change my tactic immediately. Apparently he's smarter than I thought. I should not have underestimated him, knowing that he defeated Andy's former Master. What can I say now to keep his suspicion from turning into something dangerous?
"What do you mean?" I ask carefully, trying to gain time to find a new solution. I don't like the way his eyes narrow now and I can sense the spark of distrust grow.
"I think" he says slowly, "that you are trying to get me to sleep with you. Why would you do that though, after all that you've been through?"
Ok, I'll have to admit it now. I don't think he'd believe me if I told him that I crave his touch. Why would I do that indeed? In my frantic search for an answer I remember my own words "I have nothing to give in return", will he believe it? I have to try.
"You're right. I would not normally do this."
"But?"
He'll at least listen to me then. I hide my relief by turning away once again, which is risky because I cannot gauge his reaction very well while not seeing his face, but I can't risk it either that he may notice mine.
"You have helped me, you came to the city, placed yourself in danger and I… I don't have anything else to give."
I cross my arms in front of me in apparent shame, still not daring to look in his face.
"So when you noticed my desire you decided to seduce me?"
He sounds like he has accepted it for a fact. Good. Now the only question is, will he let me pay? I know my Master will not acknowledge anything else.
"Yes." I admit daring to throw him a lopsided smile, looking up to him from under long lashes. "Have I succeeded?"
"You don't have to do this. I can hardly say I don't wish to… to touch you, but I would never put such pressure on you."
I want to smack him. Can he not get over his hindering honor? Well, at least he hasn't denied it point blank. It seems that I must take more drastic measures to convince him.
"I want to." I say looking him squarely in the eyes. "Really. Will you not let me do this for you? I don't want to be indebted to anyone and I don't mind actually."
He seems taken aback at the cool calculation of the last part of my sentence, at least enough so that he doesn't react immediately when I suddenly close the distance between us and place a short kiss on his lips, followed by my hands quickly sliding under the nightgown as long as he is too surprised to draw back.
"But you don't…" He starts to object, only to be silenced by another deeper kiss. By now my hands have reached their destination, swiftly dispelling all coherent thought or protest from his side. A satisfied smile crosses my face when I finally see his mage bred discipline crumble under my touch. He is considerate and gentle though, willing to reciprocate thereby turning the whole experience into a rather pleasurable one for both of us, something that doesn't happen very often to me nowadays and which I am grateful for.
When we are both sated the sun has risen a short way above the horizon. We're quite exhausted though and fall asleep despite the slender beams of light that are creeping through small gaps between the dark curtains. A circumstance that proves to be quite embarrassing a few hours later, because Ayren decides to enter without knocking, only to wake me from peaceful sleep in his arms. Seeing her white faced expression of disbelief I flinch, waking Giciel who upon noticing her presence instantly takes on an interesting shade of red.
"You are such a disgrace!" She hisses venomously in my direction before abruptly turning to run away.
"Sorry." I mumble feeling slightly embarrassed, listening to her receding steps punctuated by despairing sobs. Oops, it seems she had also taken an interest in the mage, but without having had the courage to do something about it. Oh well, better her heart breaks over something that might never have been than my skin over something that should have been.
Needless to say that breakfast is a rather tense affair. She has locked herself in her room, refusing to come out and thus is not present to witness the amusing spectacle of an embarrassed Giciel who seems to think he has done me some grievous harm by giving in to my attentions and walks around on eggshells hardy daring to look at me.
When after an hour of nearly constant silence his behavior starts to become annoying I decide to confront him.
"Did I cause problems for you?" I inquire politely.
He jumps at the unexpected sound of my voice. "No." He hesitates before continuing. "It's just that I've always prided myself on having at least some discipline… well it seems I was wrong. Would you accept my apologies?"
"Apologies? For what? You have no reason to apologize to me."
He doesn't seem inclined to agree.
"Yes I do. What I have done was in inexcusable. I took advantage of your situation in a most despicable manner this morning. I'm no better than the Drow."
When I start to laugh he stares at me uncomprehendingly. I guess I need to appease his tender conscience. This is unusual, because these days I'm more used to being around people who apparently have no conscience at all. Now where do I start?
"Don't compare yourself to them. You are in no way similar. I should know." He seems unconvinced if a little more at ease seeing my lack of resentment.
"Really. What I did this morning, what you did, was very different from the way they treated me. We both enjoyed it and it was never my intention that you harbor regrets afterwards. If you do I'm the one who should be sorry, because then I shouldn't have initiated it."
"But your cousin…"
"You thought she meant you?"
He shrugs. "Who else?"
"Why me of course. I think she's jealous by the way. It'll probably take some time before she leaves that room again."
"Jealous!"
He stares at me utterly surprised, which makes me grin and I decide to tease him a bit.
"Of course. You're handsome, an interesting partner in bed, even though she doesn't know that yet, you are able to put aside the wide spread disdain your people have for "grey" elves like her and I and last but not least you saved her life. How did that come to pass by the way?"
"I… well… uh." He stutters taken aback by my unexpected account of his positive qualities.
"Yes?" I ask a mischievous glint in my eyes.
"Um, I got a forged letter saying that a small village about three days from here needed my help, but..." He is turning red again. "Ah to be honest, I left, noticed after half a day of riding that I had forgotten an important spell component and turned back to fetch it hoping I wouldn't be too late."
He continues, very serious again. "And then I discovered Ayren dying on my doorstep. I nearly lost her during the first days. Chatai is such a vile concoction! It took three months before she even came back to full consciousness."
Three months! No wonder it took her so long to find me. Suddenly I feel slightly guilty for my behavior back there in the alley, when she had cornered me. Presently there's nothing I can do about it though and so I push the thought away to deal with it some other time.
"I still don't know how he could find her." Giciel's voice intrudes in my musings. "Is it true, the other one, the one I killed, he was his brother?"
I shiver at the mentioning of my Master and cannot bring myself to say more than a short: "Yes.", before I fix my gaze on the empty plate unwilling to let him see the fear in my eyes.
"Do you think he treats it as a matter of revenge?"
"For his brother?" I shake my head still disinclined to discuss this at any length. "No."
"Do you think…?" Here Giciel breaks off, noticing my apprehensive posture and the thin, compressed line of my lips.
"You're afraid of him."
"Yes." I ground out between clenched teeth. "He does not like me to talk about his affairs to anybody else."
"Don't worry." He says. "We will get it off."
At this my frayed composure breaks and I hiss: "Do you think that matters? It is only an outward symbol for something which is already deeply engraved in my soul. It makes no difference whether I wear it or not."
I catch myself with some effort lest I reveal too much, but continue to stare at the mage in quiet anger. He doesn't understand. How could he? I would not have been able to these mere months ago when I was still untouched by the invisible chains that now bind me more thoroughly than any physical bonds ever could. The harsh conditioning I have undergone cannot be forgotten in the course of one night of gentleness.
A/N: I know the Ayren thing is a bit cliché, but I couldn't resist. I simply had to put it in, the story has turned so very serious and I wanted at least some fun in this chapter. I hope you don't mind too much.