Chapter 3: The journal
Inuyasha trudged slowly out of the well, heart throbbing and head spinning. 'Oh Kagome, why? Why did you do this to me?' he thought sadly. Kikyo sat beside the well, eyes scanning a black, worn book with increasing rapidity; she didn't look up when Inuyasha sat next to her.
Inuyasha looked at her and saw her close the book softly, a single tear falling from her eyes. "What's the matter?" he demanded quietly, wiping her tear away with a slow brush. Kikyo looked up, sorrow filling her lifeless brown/black eyes.
"Kagome has suffered horribly...and she thinks you do not care for her. She loves you dearly and has been trying to push you away so that she wouldn't suffer. Only thing is, you keep acting like you care and then you come to see me, the ex-love of your life. You baka, didn't you tell her we're just friends?"
Inuyasha's eyes widened and he asked urgently, "How do you know this? Did she tell you? Why doesn't she trust me?" Kikyo frowned, "No—against my better judgment—I went through her bag and found this. It's her journal, and I think you should read it..."
Inuyasha grasped the small, black book and clutched it to his chest possessively, "Alright...I think I need to be alone, Kikyo." He jumped away to the Goshinboku and opened the book hesitantly. With a deep breath, he began to read it...
Oh man, I don't know how I'm going to keep a journal; I've never been able to do it daily. I'll just write it straight on (saves paper). It's been weeks since we met Sango and Kirara. They're so nice. I've been trying to pair Sango and Miroku, but ones to shyand well...the other is a complete hentai. I know Sango has feelings for Miroku. It's so obvious! I just wish he would notice and not hurt her feelings like other complete louts! Why do I always bring up this subject? I just wish Inuyasha would notice me...I don't try to get his attention but I wish he'd bestow it on me. Well...I guess he does, but only when I sense a shard of shikon. It's just not fair. I feel like I'm being used.
(New entry)
Something's wrong, I can feel it. It's like a hard weight has fallen on me and I can't—no matter how hard I try—push it off. It's like drowning, or suffocating. I'm an idiot. All I can think about is him, bastard... It hurts; I've been looking for different ways to block it out, but it just doesn't work. I've tried to wrap myself up in school work or finding more shard and defeating Naraku, but kami, it's just not helping. I don't know what I'll do next. I've been looking for new methods. I found myself realizing that pain can be turned into a numbing feeling, I almost crave it.
(New entry)
I can't believe I just did that. Oh kami, kami, kami! I don't know what's happening! I found myself being drawn relentlessly to the razor blade in the garage. I couldn't do it in the Feudal Era so when I went to school I carefully tucked it into my backpack. I don't know how it happened... all I can remember doing was asking the teacher if I could go to the washroom and he agreed. In the bathroom I brought out the razor and it sang for me. I could see a reflection of silvery, white hair and glowing gold eyes before I felt the first pang. I looked down and instructed myself not to feel it, to enjoy it. But, still I couldn't. I sat on the toilet, letting the blood stream gently off my wrist. It was so entrancing. Like watching a mirage of energy swirl around; I watched as the clear toilet water turned pink then red and it was lovely. But then the pain hit with unrelenting force and I gasped. The pain was overwhelming, I'd slit too deeply and was feeling disgustingly dizzy. Oh no! Inuyasha's coming! Gtg, ttyl, Kagome.
(New entry)
After I tightly bound my wrist with a piece of my old gym shirt I covered my arm with the long sleeves of my uniform. amazingly it had only taken a few moments to forget, blissfully forget him. Why doesn't he care about me? Why doesn't he notice me? Am I ugly? Am I stupid? What?! Somebody, for the love of kami, tell me! tear stains What have I done that was so terrible? I don't know if I love him any more... Who the hell am I kidding? Of course I do! I wish, I don't know what it is I'm wishing for... I don't want to restrain him, and I don't want to intrude on Kikyo and him. I hate that, supposedly I'm her reincarnation. I just want to be me! Why won't anyone let me be myself? I'm not Kikyo! I am Kagome! Oh here comes the bastard again! tear stains Goodbye, for now.
(New entry)
I can't breathe! Help, please help me! Oh kami, please! I am drowning! Oh...tear stains Why can't I tell anyone? Inuyasha told me he cared about me and I think he was going to kiss me! It was one of the most wonderful moments in my life! Unfortunately, Sango screamed, 'Hentai!' 'cause Miroku groped her, again. He pulled away and left me, teetering on the edge of a idyllic fantasy. It's just not fair! And then, to top it off, Kikyo showed up, I don't hate her. I mean, Inuyasha was hers first, right? But why did she have to come today? He left and I followed, because I am a complete fool. They kissed...and truth be told, it broke me. I ran back home and sealed the well. It was later on, when I awoke at the hospital, with the scent of blood in my hair and my body aching before I realized I'd overdone it. I didn't go back for two weeks. When I did it was to be confronted by his royal tantrum. At that moment all I really needed was comfort and he treated me like shit. Gotta love him...immense tear stains
(New entry)
I tried to talk to him, but he wouldn't listen. I wanted to him how I felt but there wasn't time! I tired to tell someone, but no, it had to be him! I visited Kaede, but I'm supposed to be the ever cheerful, perfect miko who never makes mistakes. That isn't me! I am not perfect! I refuse to be perfect! Please, oh help! I hate you, I love you, just leave me alone. tear stains and blood I've been doing it daily, it's just the release I was looking for. Not only my wrists, but my legs and stomach too. Scars are so beautiful. Sango really doesn't appreciate hers. I don't blame anyone for what is happening. I will hold this secret forever. I am not cared for by him, and that is what I crave the most. I've always tried to be there for him. To understand him, lend him my support, but he doesn't want it. I've also always wanted to touch his ears, kami, they're so cute, and they wiggle! Gtg, new moon, he'll be a bitch to handle today.
(New entry)
Kouga showed up today. Why me? I was afraid he would smell it, but he didn't, thankfully. Of course, he got all 'you're my mate, Kagome' blah, blah, blah. Kuso! Why oh why me! Inuyasha and him fought and they grabbed onto my fresh wounds. It hurt unbearably, but I kept up the pretence of being just annoyed. Try burning with pain! It was disgusting to clean after, I sprayed my really strong perfume to confuse everyone's high sense of smell and—yay—it worked! I managed to escape and relax. I haven't bathed with Sango for awhile, I've been avoiding it. I better go, he's going to pick me up in 5.
(Last entry)
He's using me! Why?! Why do people do that? Jerks! This is the end. I can't bear this anymore. I have to tell him I'm never coming back. Just not that it's permanent. I can live with this, can I? I need advice, but no one understands. I keep on smiling but I'm dying. Not from the loss of blood, but from the inner turmoil. Why does he hate me? What did I do? Well, he'll never have to see me again, good for him. I love Inuyasha, Sango and Miroku have warmed up, Shippo is used to Sango as a mother and Inuyasha has Kikyo. It's perfect. I'm going to slink away into my sorrow. I'll send my soul to grant Inuyasha his wish. He shall have the shikon jewel. Then he can turn full human and be with Kikyo forever, or turn full demon and rule the lands with his brother. Myself, I love him just the way he is, but I'm not important. tear stains I am dead inside. Welcome new self, dead self, I am going to be locked away now. Sayonara.
Inuyasha stopped reading and lowered his head and ears in shame. Why hadn't he trusted her, told her? 'I am a baka, forgive me Kagome...' he sent to her in his thoughts. A troubled sigh escaped his lips and he took off towards the well once again, Kikyo was no where to be seen but there was a distinct odour of wolf. "Shit!" Inuyasha mumbled as he jumped in.