BLUE WASTELAND

A Kim Possible Fan Fiction Oddity

By Psychedelic Leviathan

(KP is owned by Disney.)

a/n: It was mentioned that Shego is more evil then normal in this. Well after Go Team Go my opinion of her has changed a bit. I used to think her attitude was stress caused by working for an idiot like Drakken and/or traumatic past experiences but as we've seen its not. She's evil just because she likes tormenting others. And it seems more now like she was the one abusing HIM instead of what was previously thought.

And I'm glad to see so many people emotionally reacting to my story. Its nice to know that you can always shock people regardless of how much time passes.

February 1st 2004

Kim Possible gave me this diary to keep track of my random insane thoughts, so that I could be more grounded. Whatever that's supposed to mean. Me grounded? BWAHAHAHAHA! I am the master of the evil! Fear me! Um, please say I'm evil. Neh. Your mean!

Kim Possible left to deal with some mission dealie. So I'm stuck in her room watching TV. The goddamn Super Bowl is on, which means the yokels across this country are currently gorging themselves. And readying their looting bricks to pillage and rape the locals in their small town.

Don't they know the whole thing is rigged? Sure the PATRIOTS who were totally lame in the past inexplicably became world beaters right after 9/11 when everybody's high on this God Bless America crap. The NFL is a greater crime against humanity then even my weather machine was for pro football is much farther on the road to world domination then any existing villain. (Besides, I would have put the water back after I conquered Canada. I like nature too much to destroy the Great Lakes!) The way they convince cities to pay untold zillions of tax payer dollars to rebuild "obsolete" stadiums at the threat of team relocation is a truly wicked extortionist scheme. And they way they get little kids whose families can't even afford to pay the rent to spend a hundred some dollars on an 'authentic' game jersey of some steroid juicer, oh that's just sick and wrong.

And most evil of all is the fact that not only all of this is purely legal...but they have brainwashed the population into thinking that it is un-American to oppose it! Truly there are much greater evils in the world then my own.

I need to stop thinking about the Super Bowl before my evil blue skin becomes green with jealously. Why couldn't I have thought up such a bling bling mega bucks racket? Oh right because I'm no good at evil schemes. That's why I'm on suicide watch to begin with.

I'm still pretty depressed. But not as much. Kim Possible seems to actually care whether I live or die, so I maybe I should stick around. When I tried to convince her that life sucks (which it does by the way) and that I'm better off dead she seemed to be getting depressed herself. I don't think its possible to make the redheaded vixen cry, but it if it is then I almost made her do it today. Now I feel kinda bad for that too. Why should I care about that? Don't I want Kim Possible to suffer?

And shouldn't she? Am I not her worst enemy in the whole world?

Doctor Drakken

Master of this journal!

February 2nd 2004

Kim Possible came back from the mission but wouldn't tell me what happened. She's mean like that. I guess she thinks I'm going to tell the villains something. She did want me to tell her how I was feeling and I said I'd feel better if we went outside, so she let me out after making sure the coast was clear for her dad. I'm regaining my ability to hate, so that may have been a good thing.

Its still dark and cold outside so I'm not happy.

"I hate Winter." I told her. "Its all cold and wintry."

"But what about Snow man hank?"

"Well I hate Winter after Christmas. Then it just sucks."

"Am I giving you the idea to eradicate winter? Is this going to be your new plot?"

"Would you try to stop me if I said it was?"

"Probably not since snow is so annoying. Well unless you have some kind of ulterior take over the world motive behind it."

"No. At least not that I can think of. Not that it matters since I don't have any money left to work with anyways."

We walked around until we stopped out in front of that Mexican place, the Bueno Nacho. We were promptly greeted by the buffoon and his pink hairless thing that lives in his pocket. At last, someone whose an even bigger loser then I am. It was a refreshing change of pace. Though of course I didn't say any of that since Kim likes him for whatever reason.

"Hi Ron." Kim said.

"Kim...do you that Drakken's behind you?" He asked nervously. Yay! I really do inspire fear! Well only in the buffoon anyhow. Shut up.

"Its okay, he's with me. And try to go easy on him, he's having some emotional problems. He tried to kill himself yesterday."

The Buffoon seemed shaken by that knowledge. "Whoa. Um, sorry for suspecting you dude. But you know, the evil thing."

I followed them inside. All the food was making me sick because I haven't eaten in so long. "So much food. So little money." I stated.

"Especially when its as slamming as here." The buffoon stated. (Yes I know his name is Ron now, but I like some traditions.)

"I haven't eaten in three days."

"Hmmmm. Well okay...you were an evil genius right?" The buffoon asked.

"Yes?" I respond.

"Well I've give you my lunch money every week if you do all my homework." He stated.

"Starting now?" I asked.

"Yeah. I've been making some extra cash by having Rufus do tricks and charging the stupid to watch."

"Its a deal bu...Stoppable." I shook his hand.

Kim doesn't like this deal at all, but says she wants us to do the right ourselves or some bullshit and won't snitch on us because of that.

The nacos were really good. Maybe this is why heroes are always fighting so hard against my schemes. To protect their precious naco! This requires further research.

Drakken

February 3rd 2004

So goddamn cold. More nacos! Yay!

February 5th 2004

The Buffoon wants me to go to school with him and hang out. The reason is that he thinks my reputation as a villain will stop some fat kid from giving him more wedgies in gym class. Its a laughable idea really, seeing how I was and am still a weakling. But hey maybe my blue skin will freak the moron out enough for him to give up! Doctor Drakken...EVIL BODYGUARD! MWAHAHAHAH! Shego will have a field day with that idea.

What's the worst that could happen? Me get beat up again? Compared to what's recently gone down that would be a cake walk. Two days ago the IRS was getting ready to evict my evil lair and my supposed best friend in the world deserted me. What's dealing with some punk kid compared to that?

The Buffoon stated that his grades are actually up a letter since I started doing his homework so he gave me a raise in naco money. From F to D I think. Yes, finally someone even dumber then me! Though is discouraging that after college classes Ds are the best I can do on friggin HIGH SCHOOL papers. I am such a tard.

Drakken

February 6th 2004

Well my short career as evil bodyguard has come to a failed end. I tried to shut that fat idiot Carlos up, but he called my a faggot and kicked my ass. Then he beat up the Buffoon for putting me up to it. Oww. I think Kim's family may be suspicious of the blood I tracked into the house.

Kim saw what had happened to me almost immediately. "Drakken...what did you do today?"

"I tried to stop that fat kid from bullying Ron. As you can see I failed miserably."

"Which fat kid?"

"Carlos Gordo."

"Oh that tard. He's just pissed at the world because he's even dumber then Brick Flagg is. Don't worry, I can deal with him."

"NO!"

"What's wrong?"

"Don't do that. Its bad enough I had Shego fight all my battles for me in the past, I don't need you to do it too. I don't need to feel like anymore of a wimp."

"Well. I could teach you to fight."

"Please don't. I bruise easily."

"Well okay, then I'll have to deal with this idiot myself. And you can hide behind a girl for the second time period in your pitiful life."

"Alrite. I'll do it."

Now I've basically agreed to get beat up by Kim Possible every day for the next couple months. Just wonderful.

February 9th 2004

Things are getting painful now. It is clear to me now that this is all a part of Kim Possible's latest plan to ruin my life. She's been doing that way too long. Did I ask for too much when I sought out total global domination over the pitiful human race? No I clearly did not. Its my rightful prerogative for only when I dominate mankind can I enact my revenge upon everybody.

These sparring lessons are a serious pain in my ass. I can't even touch Kim because of how fast she is and how pathetically un-coordinated I am. And even though she never hits me with her best effort it still really hurts.

"Come on Drew." She smirks at me, punching at me again and again. "Get with it."

I swing at her and draw nothing but air. I'm something like zero for ten million so far in punch accuracy. But what do you expect from a loser? Every high school team I tried out for back before I knew I was a loser I got rejected by, and for a number of reasons. Even I was somehow able to hit little miss she thinks she's all that...would it matter at all? I doubt if the force of it would be enough to smash a fly, let alone make someone bleed. These twigs I call my arms are not muscles, they are bones with sleeves on them.

"Gah! Take that!" I yell incoherently as Kim effortlessly side steps and blocks my feeble attempts at throwing a punch. "And some of this!" She actually blocks that one with her leg, swinging her foot down on my hand so hard that it bruises. "GAHHHH!"

Every now and then Kim Possible looks totally discouraged at this. Perhaps in a way I have found a way to defeat her at last. For in the task of trying to teach me how to fight she is finally learning that even she cannot do anything. MWAHAHAHAHAH! Take that Kim Possible!

Kim then had me try to fight the buffoon.

"Oh yeah." He smirked stupidly, not really taking the scene seriously himself. "Ron Stoppable, monkey master in da house yo!"

Kim sighs in exasperation. "Just fight him Ron."

"Hey, why me?" He asks.

"Because Drakken needs to work with someone he actually hit before he moves up to me."

"Hey are you implying that I am slow and weak!"

"In a word...yes."

"I resemble that remark." He states, then assumes his mock karate pose that even I can tell is a total joke. "HYAAAAAH!" He yells with a vacant grin. He chops at me and as Kim predicted its so slow that even I can block the thing. I feel some satisfaction and kick at him, the buffoon grabs my leg and pulls me off my feet onto the ground. He then tries some kind of TV only wrestling move that only works in the world of chorography and fails miserably to take me down. I then loose it and kick him as hard as I can.

It works! The buffoon is down! Soon his pink rat thing is trying to revive him. I should have aimed that kick better.

"Dammit Drakken!" Kim growls at me.

"It wasn't my fault, he turned into it that way!"

Kim recognizes that Ron is an idiot and I didn't intentionally kick him in the nads, but she still isn't pleased with it. She didn't speak to me for the rest of the day. But she isn't mad enough to beat me up so its all good in the hood right now.



Drakken

February 15th 2004

Kim apparently reads this thing. I know because she asked me why I wasn't writing anymore. She said she needs to me to write more so she can better understand me during the suicide watch.

"Yeah right." I say. "You just want me to write something embarrassing in there so you'll have something to make fun of me about."

"Drew there's a great body of things I can make fun of you with now."

"Like what?" I challenged.

"Like the teddy bear. Yeah...Ron told me."

"That treacherous buffoon! He gave me his word as a fellow disciple of Snowman Hank!" I was pretty pissed off from that. Sort of wished now that I HAD kicked Ron in the nads on purpose for that betrayal.

"Drakken." She said with tired resignation. "Why are you being so difficult."

"Why are so sounding just like my momma?" I did an imitation of momma's whiny nag voice. "Ehhhh...Drewie when are you gonna get married? Are you get married to that girl your always hanging around?"

Kim's mood lightened alittle. "Really? She thought you and Shego..."

"Yeah."

"That would be just too weird."

"And way too scary. She'd like totally dominate the whole relationship. I'd too scared that if I didn't take out the garage on time or do the dishes that she'd cut my throat open." I shuddered. "And if I'd leave the seat up, well that's too scary to even think about."

Kim giggled at the frightening (to me) idea of me and Shego being in relationship. "You know Drew, your evil...but your always entertaining."

"Professor Dementor told me the same thing. Even Shego sometimes admitted that I could be funny, that is when she wasn't critizing me for speaking my mind."

We laughed a little. It was a very nice moment. Then she turned for the door.

"So are you leaving again?" I asked.

"Why do you ask?"

"I get so lonely here."

"Well I have to save the world. Sorry. Go on the computer or something, e-mail your friend Shego."

"Um, no thank you. I'd prefer that she not know where I am."

Kim then looked back at me as she walked out. "Drew, your gonna have to face your fear sooner or later."

And with that went all of the positive emotion that had been building in that room. I knew exactly what she meant by my fear and it caused fear to swamp my puny little brain.

Drakken

February 20th 2004

The day of the rematch was upon me today.

Ah dammit, I was aiming for drama but no that just sucked. This journal is written almost as bad as Dave the Barbarian's poetry. But anyways now is not the time to compare my life to that of some cartoon idiot, it is time to talk about the very real lives of two very real idiots.

"You ready brutha?" The buffoon asks me as we enter the high school halls. Its my first time back since I attempted to save him that the local bully. Now that I've been training for a few weeks or so (At least I think that's how long it was, I'm pretty stupid) I'm ready for a rematch.

"Ready to rock and roll homie." I tell the buffoon.

"Alrite G. Nuthin' to it but to do it." We walk towards the gym and lo and behold we see that fat lump behind it. Carlos is unconvincingly attempting to play basketball but he's way the hell too fat to jump high and just winds up sumo slamming people in his attempts at dunking. "There is he." Ron tells me. (Yeah I got tired of writing Buffoon. Though don't think that I now think he's smart or something.)

The tub of lard looks at us through squinted eyes. He's so blubber covered that it looks as if his eyes are being narrowed to slits by the huge fat deposits pressing down upon them from above. "Well well if it isn't dork boy and the blue boy who thinks he's all that. Buncha faggots."

"Wow." I told him. "Your witty."

"Damn straight." He said oblivious to the fact that I'd just insulted him. He then put on what he thought was a tough looking face, but really he just looked like some retard wearing shorts that were way the hell to short for his bloat monster frame. "Anyhow...you gonna give me the money...or am I gonna have to beat it out of you?"

"Come and get some." I growled at him, assuming the kung fu stance Kim had taught me. This was my revenge. If I could fight even ten percent as good as Kimmy then I could punch this fool into bloat burger meat. Okay that also sounded bad, but then we all know that I'm not a writer. "Come and get some...punkass."

"Way to tell it Doctor D." Ron stated.

Carlos then began to lumber forth.

"Dude." Ron told me. "Watch out for the rolls. That shit catches your leg and you'll be sucked in."

"Should I aim for his nads?"

"That could be risky. Not too mention the flab probably hangs down over them anyways."

"The head?"

"That would be by far the least vulnerable place on the creature."

"The chest?"

"No. You could get sucked in like I just said."

"The gut?"

"Ditto."

"Then what the hell do I do?"

"Hmmmmmm. I guess then you should go back to your plan to hit him in the head. It won't break anything, but you could knock him out if you hit him hard enough."

"Alrite lets do this thing. I kick the front of the head."

"And I'll bring up the rear...ewwww."

Note to journal: we really did do all the strategizing, Carlos really was THAT slow a runner. We could have developed the outline for a novel in the time it took him to complete his panting, sweaty charge from the basketball court to us.

"FAGGGGGGGGOTS!" He yelled at the top of his lungs. If anything we can charge him for a hate crime if he seeks a rematch.

I got a running start at the incoming mountain of jello. I jumped up on one leg while Run literally ran a circle around him to attack from behind. I had enough of a head of steam to get up in the air kick him almost in the head, he took it in the front of the neck. And the neck was where he had the least of his flabby Armour. He was staggered by grabbed me with his enormous meat hooks as I came down in a landing.

In translation...OH DEAR LORD! I was never so scared in all of my life as I was engulfed chest first into that abyss of cellulite. I would have taken Shego's claws in a minute over being pressed against those enormous man tits. He hit me in the head with both of his fists combined and begin punching me in the top of the head. Then he shook and I was nearly knocked out by his next attack.

Jesus H Christ, you don't even know what pain is until you've been pistol whipped by a man tit. I was bloodied and knocked to the ground.

Luckily that was when Ron jumped up on Carlo's back and began choking his great neck from behind. Though admittedly it was taking all of the Buffoon's meager weight to choke the walking stomach. Carlos began to lumber backwards in gasping pain as Ron choked away. "Go for it Doctor D!" He yelled at me as Carlos began reaching back to try to throw Ron off.

I seized the initiative and assaulted Carlos from the front, banging my fists into his stomach. Despite Ron's claims of the bully possessing Blob like powers my hands were not sucked in. And it hurt him quite a bit. Flab doesn't protect like sinew does. I drew back my fist and punched the fat bastard, then I repeated it again and again until he keeled over. Ron made to jump off before I felled him.

"Timber!" I hollered stupidly as I kicked and punched as hard and as fast as I could, I was beside myself with pure joy and kept hitting that punk even after he was down. "CARLOS GORDO!" I yelled as he lay trembling in pain and fear beneath me. "YOU THINK YOUR ALL THAT..."

He saw me raising my foot directly over his head. "No....no....."

"BUT YOUR NOT!"

My foot descended.

Drakken

February 22nd 2004

Me and the Buffoon are still celebrating our victory. Nacos and many of them. I'm starting to worry about Kim's family finding me. So I'm going to be staying with the Buffoon for awhile. He isn't such a bad guy, just so clownish and dumber then a piece of wood. I like his pet rat thing though.

Ron's parents didn't really care that I was staying with in his room with him. So that's a relief. But Ron himself is being pretty annoying.

"Hey...Drakken in the house!" He states when he comes back to his room after school. I loiter on school grounds with him sometimes, but that Barkin jerk always catches me and throws me out. Sometimes I fantasize about kicking Barkin in the nads, but I know he'd catch my foot midway and pull my leg out of it's socket if I tried.

"Hey Buf...Ron." Old habits truly do die hard.

"So um Drakken, when you were living with Shego did you ever...you know..."

"What?" I ask gruffly.

"Get any hot evil action?" He asks pervertedly. His hairless pet laughs.

As I've said, living with Ron is really annoying. I want to move in with Kim again. "No Ron. I didn't. She would have cut me apart if I had even suggested it."

"Really?"

"I'm saying I never tried anything though. I tried creating of a clone of her that would fulfill certain er desires of mine but she caught me. After I woke up from the beating she warned me to never try to clone her again."

"A Shego clone...now that would be awesome."

"She was always...'I'm not letting a pervert like you have my DNA.'"

"Dude I so understand what your saying. I was hoping there would be some way to keep one of the Kim clones you made. And then put one of those compliance chips on it."

"Get your mind out of the gutter Stoppable."

"Oh come on, you've never tried to 'accidentally' see Shego naked the whole time you lived together."

"What part of fear and terrified don't you understand?"

Living with Ron is a serious pain in my ass. I need to get a job at the Bueno Nacho or something so I can get my own place. With that pay I probably wouldn't be able to get anything above roach motel level but Stoppable may cause me to loose my mind.

Drakken

February 25th 2004

I'm getting some BAD vibes over this nuclear missile theft thing. Somebody ripped off a bunch of atom bombs from one of those unstable fission capable loser countries that formed when the Soviet Union formed.

Also in stranger news someone stole the killer whale from Sea World and two hundred gorillas from various zoos across the country. Kim Possible asked me if knew what the motive could be but I don't know what to make of that either.

Drakken

February 28th 2004

Kim hasn't been around to beat up on me for a few days. I don't know where she is. I think she went on some mission but isn't back yet. In fact I know she went on some mission. Let me turn on the TV, maybe they would know.

Ah there she is with the buffoon, fighting with the evil one. And Monkey Fist. And Duff. And...a couple of DNAmy's freakish mutants. And monkey ninjas. And there are my old red clad henchmen. And Professor Dementor. And all of those instant musclemen...

Ho boy.

This can't be good.