BLUE WASTELAND

A Kim Possible Fan Fiction Oddity

By Psychedelic Leviathan and the fighting Jesus.

(KP is owned by Disney, not by me.)

Drakken was watching the sun come up in the desert, trying to enjoy a moment of serenity. The injuries he had received from fighting with Shego now hurt even worse then they did yesterday when he had received them. Drakken did not like being confined to the depths of the back up lair, he needed some open air at times.

Kim Possible may have slept at night but Drakken hadn't. Things were getting steadily worse for the people's of the world. Several countries had capitulated to the laser attacks, namely France and about half of the African countries too poor to possibly fight such a technological assault. And some country in South America that Drakken didn't remember the name of. These nations were now hailing Shego as their new ruler.

Drakken hated all of this powerlessness. Why the hell could he do against that satellite? Why couldn't the Earth governments just shoot it down?

And worse yet, the villain coalition had put up a number of additional death satellites. They were now unleashing their fury upon multiple cities at once, or combining the terrible rays upon the same target for added punch. Drakken had seen the images upon the TV set. Los Angeles was an inferno, more then half of the city ablaze as flames consumed the famous palm trees and blacked out the famous sunlight. New York City was in even worse shape. It had more people then it's Western equivalent but they were in much denser area. Drakken had seen the obliteration rays come down from the sky and blow straight through skyscrapers like the Starships in Independence Day. So many people had died so quickly and there was nothing that said such a trend would come to an end any time soon. The death counts were indeterminate so far, but in the United States it was estimated at well over a million so far in just the human hives of LA and NY City. They weren't as sure what the damage was in the smaller cities they had hit somewhat less often, but it was also ugly.

"Damn you Shego. Damn you back to whatever pit you crawled out of." He growled. He sometimes felt like a hypocrite in times like this, mainly because he had attempted to crush the world so often in his own right. But it didn't last long. His plans had never involved the mass slaughter of people, well except for his attempt to flood Canada. Things like this trouble him a great deal now he had become a hero.

No! He could not trouble himself with these things!

He was one of the good guys now! Kim Possible and the ghost of her sidekick had seen to that. The hurt exhibited by Kimmy had changed him, it taken from him the desire to do evil. The fact that Kim Possible had forgiven him and now thought of him as one of her friends had made his spirit soar out the depths. He had never been loved by anyone in anyway before. His own mother had back in the day hated what she had produced, his peers had thought of him as a joke.

But that was before he had truly known Kimmy, in his opinion the best and prettiest girl in the world. Who had saved him from the ravening darkness despite having every reason to just let him die. Who had allowed him to throw aside his former wickedness and be her very close friend. He had found new life in that lovely face that he had once wished smashed. For Kimmy he could be...A HERO!

"Shego...your going down." He growled into the TV. Shego's image was radiating in dark majesty from the TV set. Drakken noticed that Shego had gotten a flowing dark overlord type cape in the time they had been separated. She also had a rather large sword at her side, which Drakken figured was part of her new dictator look since Shego had never used a sword before in her life. After all, she had built in claws.

"People of Earth." The TV Shego smiled. "I am happy for the thirty five countries that have come to their senses and elected me Queen for life. They will be spared from our orbital bombardment. However the majority of the world has not yet come to it's senses, I am very sad for all those peoples..." The TV image of Shego pretended to wipe away a tear. "...because until I give me control of their governments and wealth then they will continue to be fried. Want to save yourself or your family? Then rebel against your lame existing government...RIGHT NOW!"

"Lousy Shego." Drakken cursed. "Killing so many civilians."

"As long as your pathetic little countries still exist I will not stop. Not until all of the world's power and wealth have been turned over TO ME...oh and to the other lesser villains who work for me now. Good bye for now." She smiled evilly. The message from Shego ended.

Drakken gave the TV Shego a flip of the trusty old bird. One could never flip that goddamned bird in this world. Soo many worthy targets, so little time to do it.

"I'll be back Shego!" Drakken ranted at the TV stupidly. He may have converted in his allegiances, but his love of rantings and ravings would never die. "I am already fixing up my war Armour! Then I will uh go up in space and destroy your precious satellites! MWHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAH!" He pointed his finger at the TV set. "SHEGO! YOU THINK YOUR ALL THAT...BUT YOUR NOT!"

Drakken felt a huffing presence lurking behind his shoulders. And he sensed hostility.

"Hey...that fuckers BLUE man. Holy shit...BLUE." One obviously male voice stated.

"He's a freak." The other said. "Lets get em'."

Drakken turned to see two heavyset but powerful men facing him. One was blonde, the other dark haired. Both wore overalls and general country clothes.

"Sirs?" Drakken asked. "What did I do to you."

"Get outta town blue freak." The blonde one stated adjusting his John Deere hat. "We don't want your freak ass freaking up our nice little town."

"Yeah." The dark haired one said as he scratched his chest. "You blue freak."

"Hey!" Drakken retorted sharply. "Just because I'm blue doesn't mean I'm any different then anybody else."

"The hell it does." The blonde stated rolling up the sleeves of the dirty shirt he had on under his overalls. "Come on Joe John...lets kick us a little blue ass."

The two good old boys advanced upon him. Drakken panicked a little. Though he knew neither of them would be anywhere near as fast as Shego he also knew that they were much stronger then he was.

A fist hit Drakken in the head. He was wrong, these hicks could move fairly fast. Not Shego fast, but they were lightning quick for a couple of lugs that size. As blood leaked from his nose he saw the blonde one swing at him again, Drakken ducking the thundering punch. He then shot out his fist and struck the blonde behemoth in his chest, but this didn't help Drakken too much at all. It was like a wasp sting applied to a raging polar bear. The blonde giant grabbed Drakken about the waist and held him in a death grip. Drakken struggled but he wasn't strong enough to break the hold.

"Teach you to freak up God's country." Joe John growled, he punched the immobilized Drakken with his big fists.

Drakken felt the air go out of his lungs. "GAHHHH! HELP!" He yelled. There was no answer and the pain flooded his mind as those fists pummeled his mid-section.

Drakken lost it. He sunk his teeth in the blonde one's neck, causing much bleeding and immediate freedom from the vicious bear hug. He then kicked the blonde guy in the knees and struck him in the throat with his closed left fist. The overgrown ape staggered in pain.

Before Drakken could exult he was tackled by Joe John's bulk so hard that it nearly broke his spine. "Cheap shotting fucker." The dark haired monster savagely snarled. A big fist hit Drakken. And then another. And another. The blue man struggled but Joe John threw him to the ground every time he attempted to stand and delivered another massive blow for trying to get up. It was beyond brutal. Drakken felt his teeth loosened by the bigot and then out of the corner of one eye he could see the blonde guy getting up off of the ground.

Drakken knew almost for certain that he was going to die. He could not physically compete with these cornfed demons, no matter how hard he tried. Simple physics overwhelmed any David and Goliath bullshit. He was outweighed a hundred pounds by Joe John and when on is sprawled out on the ground that's all there is too it.

And then somehow it ended. Joe John being floored by a thundering punch that laid the goliath of the trailer park tribe out flat as a steamrolled mackerel. Drakken saw the blonde guy then laid into by a dark form of tremendous power. Drakken slowly pulled himself off of his stomach to see the other bigot being pummeled and savagely thrashed within centimeters of his life.

The man who had beaten both of them up began advancing towards Drakken, who immediately cringed and trembling looked straight down at the dirt.

The man's voice wasn't what Drakken expected, it was almost soft. In any event this third giant had no desire to hurt him. "Get on up buddy. Those punks won't pull that stupidity on you again."

One of the thickest, manliest hands Drakken had ever seen was extended. The blue man hesitantly grabbed that big black hand, he found himself pulled to his feet and looking upwards towards his savior's glasses wearing face. Drakken felt almost relieved. No one who needed corrective vision could be an evil man, or at least a a stupid man. Glasses meant this man read books and would not be the giant Neanderthal he had feared.

"You know." The tall man said with a laugh. "Someone said its all about the white man and the black man, but I was never informed of the BLUE man."

Drakken looked up at him and smiled with relief. "Yeah. That's kind of why they beat me up." He said slowly.

"I know. That horrible stuff used to happen to me all the time. When I moved here from San Francisco...yeah talk about your falls from grace...people would just whup my ass around here. This is one of the most redneck, racist holes in the whole of America. I can't even imagine what it must be like for you. Cause there are other black people, but your the only blue guy I've seen EVER."

"Well that's kind of cause I'm the only one there is. At least that I know of. Freak accident you know." Drakken craned his neck to look up at the colossus again. "Though I can't imagine that you EVER had any trouble. Your taller then a California Redwood tree."

"Yeah. But I was a serious wimp. A lifetime in a the leafiest suburbs in San Francisco will do that to you. And I would have happily stayed a bookwormish wimp my whole life if my family hadn't lost it's money in the stock market and been forced to move out to this godforsaken landscape."

"I'm kind of wimp, though I was wussier before I started learning karate. I still can't believe you were ever picked on." Drakken then realized he hadn't even introduced himself. "Oh yeah, my name is Drew. Drew Lipski."

"Irving." The man said as he extended the largest arm Drakken had ever seen. "Irving Jackson."

Drakken shook his hand with his apprehension. "Pleased to meet you."

"I won't crush your hand Drew."

Drakken took the entire man in now. Jesus Christ, Father Son and Holy Ghost and for exaggerated measure Buddha too...he never seen such a body. A massive chest protruded beneath a red tank that had the words HELL'S GYM emblazoned upon the front in black block letters. A bare chested demon was portrayed doing arm curls with a huge amount of weight. From the sides of the tight fitting tank top hung the two freaky-ist looking limbs he had ever seen. The triceps were hanging slabs of beef, the biceps looked as if well inflated footballs had been inserted into his arms. The shoulders appeared as if two enormous cannon balls had been surgically installed under the skin. From shoulder to wrist these inhumanly bloated arms were covered with scary looking veins. The legs were even scarier then the arms. Irving's thighs and calves bore a much closer resemblance to mini sequoia trees then to human legs. Adding to freak factor was the fact that his entire body was completely shaved. Except for the top of his head there was not a hair growing anywhere on it.

"Goddamn." Drakken muttered in awe.

"You like it huh?"

"Its unnatural." Drakken stuttered in terror.

"Thank you." He smiled.

"Its inhuman...its bizarre." Drakken rambled, he was lost in the kind of terror that a great old one encountering human in one of Lovecraft's stories would have gibbered in. Drakken wondered in this gibbering how long a fight between Irv and Great Cthulthu would go.

"Your too kind." He laughed mirthfully. This kind of half frightened praise was exactly what Irv liked most in life. He wasn't a bully, but he liked the idea of people fearing him.

"You look like you just stepped off of some kind of alien mothership."

"I haven't been paying my dues just so I can look like some kind...MAN..." Irv spat out the word in disgust upon the ground. "Fuck humans."

"Its...everything I want out of my life." Drakken realized aloud, he gripped one of Irv's mind shattering biceps.

"Friend...lets take a walk." Irv smiled broadly, the elemental creature draping one chemically grown tree trunk over the battered Drakken's back.

They began walking down the limited streets of this dismal New Mexico town. A dusty wind was blowing out of the barren desert. Then Drakken saw a squat steel building gleaming in the sunlight. He saw the red words HELL'S GYM inscribed above the reflective glass windows.

"Hell's Gym?" Drakken asked.

"Damnation...with muscles." Irv stated with a grim humor.

"So I take it that you think of this town as Hell?"

"Brother I invite you to take a good and unsentimental look around this sun raped rectum we live in...this IS Hell."

"You've got a way with words Irv."

"It comes from having read so many books. I'm a writer too Drew."

"Really? You been published?"

"Not yet. But dammit I will be. Its my way out of this smoking hole in the ground. I'm gonna take my angst, I'm gonna use it to write the New York Times bestseller of the year. Then I'm taking the money and am on the first bus back to San Francisco." He then paused. "Well provided we beat this Shego lady and the world isn't doomed."

"We'll beat her. Kim Possible ain't dead. Just dead."

Irv nodded. "You know what? My daddy fought on the JUSTICE LEGION. Yeah true story. Right alongside Captain Freedom. He was in uniform fighting for our team at the great battle for Earth. Went right up on the hijacked ship, was part of the charge into the heart of the Sun Drinker command ship." He was extremely proud of all of this. "He died of course, since Freedom was the only one who made it back alive out of the entire Justice Legion. Too bad Freedom lost the use his vocal cords from the radiation exposure, otherwise...we could know how he died up there."

"Wow." Drakken said in awe.

"Yeah. But that was way back in 55. And today is today." They walked right up to the gates of HELL's GYM. "And today our problem is not just the local violent hicks, but Shego and the evil empire."

"Yeah." Drakken said. "Hey where are we going?"

"Inside."

"Inside...HELL'S GYM?"

"Your gonna be alrite with me."

Drakken was lead inside by Irv. He saw a number of muscular men hoisting immense quantities of steel weights and growling at one another. Everywhere around Drakken there were these huge creatures in tank tops, camo trousers and army boots. Drakken had seen advertisements for yuppie fitness clubs before and this was not one of them. Elemental hostility and raw hatred were almost soaked into the air that these men inhaled as they hoisted, pressed, curled and squatted piles of metal. Old school Metallica, Powerman 5000 and Iron Maiden blared from a number of different boom boxes.

Drakken felt greatly afraid. He had never seen men like this, save for Shego's new super goons. The mountain like and fire spitting denizens of HELL'S GYM made the majority of villain henchmen look like cowering dogs in comparison.

"This is where you hang out?" Drakken whispered to Irv fearfully.

"Four hours a day brother."

Drakken felt a real urge to bolt out the door as one of the largest of them sung during deep parallel squats.

"ONE! TWO! THREE! FOUR!

EVERY NIGHT I PRAY FOR WAR!

CRUSH! KILL! MUTALIATE!"

The huge beast then climaxed his exercise with a demonic scream and lunged forward to return the 550 pounds to the squat rack, then collapse in exhaustion on the floor. A couple of his friends applauded the effort.

"RIGHT ON! RIGHT ON DAAWG!" One stated.

"ALL GODDAMN DAY STAN!" The other howled in exhilaration. "CRANK UP THE FUCKING MUSACK!"

Drakken nudged Irv. "Who are these guys?"

"The scum of the Earth." Irv said proudly. "Prison yard dawgs are the biggest group, but the others tend to be war criminals, the half human half demon spawn of Incubi raping earth women, general psychopathics, steroid ragers, National Football League castoffs, ninja cultists and of course former Motley Crew roadies turned serial killers. Yeah...its a good solid group." He smiled.

"A solid group? For overwhelming and enslaving small countries?"

"Look brother, I didn't bring you out here to die. I did because you said you were sick of being a human fucking being. You understand what I'm saying? This is the transformation. Look up...at that."

Irv pointed towards a huge photographic of Arnold Schwarznegger that dominated the ceiling of the gym like one of the great artist's paintings of God on the roof of a cathedral. Drakken remembered why he had set foot in that sweaty place angels feared to tread as he stared up at that enormous photo. The lord of mass stood in a speedo atop a mountain peak in Southern California, flexing his immense muscles towards the sky above above with a smile on his face that clearly said that nothing in all the world could intimidate this man.

"Yeah." Drakken said dreamily.

"Alrite. Lets hook you up." He took Drakken to the front desk where a beefy fat man in a pro football jersey sat.

"Whose this guy?" The fat man asked.

"This Doctor Drakken." Irv said. Drakken seemed startled. "Yeah, I made the connection between you and the crazy blue guy on TV a couple minutes ago. Anyhow he's a new guy totally virgin to lifting. But don't worry, he's cool."

"Really? He doesn't look cool." The fat guy said with crossed arms. "He just looks blue. And pretty ugly too."

Irv protested vigorously for Drakken. "This guy launched an attack on Canada with a weather machine that drained the whole Great Lakes! He's menaced the Earth a hundred times! He's held world leaders for ransom and terrorized entire cities! Besides...your pretty ugly yourself."

The fat guy nodded knowingly. That was exactly what he'd wanted to hear. "Okay. He's cool. No offense against you guy, I just needed to make sure your the type of guy who fits our membership profile." He gestured to the men at the weights and shouted over the blaring of the stereos. "HEY GUYS! NEW GUY! THIS HERE IS DOUBLE D! I WANT Y'ALL TO GIVE HIM A BIG INFERNO WELCOME!" The fat guy handed Drakken a HELL'S GYM tank top.

They responded. "NEW MEAT! NEW MEAT! NEW MEAT!" They began to chant in rowdy fashion.

"Ignore that." Irv said. "Lets get started on building some BLUE MUSCLE."

"Sweet."

Drakken soon found himself on a bench with the tank top wrapped around his flabby and weak armed upper body.

"You ready?" Irv asked.

"Lets do this."

It was only around ninety pounds, but after Drakken moved it eight times he was beginning to feel a nasty amount of pain in his feeble limbs. He had never done this before and he was feeling it in every fiber. He panted and sucked in large amounts of breath as the pain grew worse every time the bar touched his chest.

He put the bar back on the rack, the first set of bench press he'd ever done now over. Flattened out from the pain he stared at up Arnold and Arnold's black and white photograph eyes stared back into him. Suddenly the hurt mattered less.

"Lets do that again." Drakken growled, his goal hanging straight above him. The bar was in his hands again and he battled it. "Blue muscle." He grunted through the sets. "Blue pecs..."

It was dark when he finally came back.

"Drew!" Kim exclaimed from the unlighted darkness. "Where have you been?"

Drakken turned on the lights and Kim saw the strange sight. Drakken was standing there in a freaky looking red and black tank top, sweat dripping from his chest. "Hi Kimmy. Sorry I was gone so long. But I...well lets just say I made some new friends."

"Well explain later...I've been here all day by myself! Carry me to the damn bathroom!"

Drakken looked embarrassed. "Oh...sorry."

"Less talking, more picking me up."

Drakken picked up Kim in his pain wracked arms and carried her into the bathroom. He then stood outside the door and flexed and unflexed the stinging limbs. It hurt but it was a hurt that was almost sexual in feeling. His arms and his chest felt like him and Irv had blown air into them with a fire hose. His upper body felt bloated, like his skin was about to blow up as the muscles beneath it would tear their way to sweet freedom. It felt fantastic.

"Thanks." He heard Kim say. "Where did you go?"

"HELL'S GYM." Drakken said.

"What's that? A stoner band or something?"

"Its a community of err...dedicated individuals who are pursuing muscle growth and definition."

"A fitness center?" She asked with some disbelief from behind the door.

"Like I said HELL's GYM. If the netherworld had a weight room this is exactly would be like."

"And you joined this why?"

"Kimmy...all my life I've been a scrawny weakling whose been smacked around by the all brawny bullies. Its time I put on a little muscle."

"Well, just don't get sucked in. Fitness is great, but it can be damaging if you get addicted."

"What does that mean?"

"Muscles do not make a man."

"Anyone who believes that clearly has never had to be a man to begin with."

Kim said something in protest but Drakken couldn't hear her, he was too locked into his own pump. After took Kim out of the bathroom he went in and stared at himself in the mirror.

"The last days of the old you." He told the tired and not so fit guy in the mirror. "As the great man once said...I am going to pump..." Drakken jabbed his finger in the direction of his reflection. "...YOU UP!" He stated in his imitation of Schwarzennegger's accent.

Drakken took off his clothes and stepped into the shower waters. He felt beautifully numb. The only thing in his mind being his next workout and then taking care of poor Kimmy. But his return to HELL'S GYM to do his legs tomorrow was the predominant thing.

Drakken's body maybe have been under the shower nozzle, but his mind was far away. He was standing on top of the Santa Ynez mountains in Southern California, his black hair blowing in the kind sea breeze as he flexed his tremendous muscles masses in exaggerated slow motion. In this vision he was a massive, veiny and blue Arnold Schwarzennegger and no one and nothing could ever bother him again. It was his new holy grail in life and he would stop at nothing to attain physical power and perfection.