BLUE WASTELAND

A Kim Possible Oddity

By Psychedelic Leviathan and the Giant Invisible Grapefruit

(KP is owned by Disney. Blah blah blah.)

a/n: The Psychedelic Leviathan has a posse!

Kim Possible had been feeling the need to lie down continually since the Middleton trip. She had been scared of everything lately. They were expecting her to be able to perform like in the old days and she knew she couldn't.

She tried to rationalize this at first, telling herself the fear was because her muscles had atrophied during her time on the couch and her skills weren't very sharp. But her twig like body could be re-built, her skills could be regained. Those were not very high fences to jump over. Secretely she hoped to herself that she had some kind of real physical problem that could excuse her from crime fighting, that would explain everything.

But it was not physical, it was psychic. She had always gone out before with such abandon, but having been knocked down so far she was now afraid. This was what was known in jock circles as gut check time. Do you want it or don't you? Could she overcome the fear that now stalked her as she walked on legs that she knew could be shattered so easily? She had never understood her own mortality in the past, even though she had been in direct contact with death so many times.

When she had refered to her many brushes with obliteration as "No big" in her annoying teeny bopper vocabulary she been telling the truth. Because she had been so talented and often so lucky she had never been in any true danger. And when luck and genetic ability failed there was always Drakken's ineptitude to serve as a back up plan, or the chaotic power of the Ron factor to disrupt the enemy.

But this enemy was not the incompetant Drakken. And there no longer was any Ron factor as he had been taken down by the group of villians. Shego out on her own was vastly superior to anyone in the before time and she had already demonstrated her ability to take down any and all opposition. Kim had failed, Drakken had failed. All the rebels were doing was inflicting the equivalent of bee stings upon the mother polar bear that was Shego's empire.

Kim knew that all of them expected a miracle from her and she wasn't going to be able to even deliver a hoax. She had no chance. She was doomed.

Bonnie wasn't up yet and Drakken had gone off somewhere in Texas for reasons unknown to her, so she decided to use Drakken's computer. The internet hadn't been shut down and it was the only way that the rebel groups could really co-ordinate. Or the only place where somebody could speak out against Shego. (Provided that they could disguse or conceal where the signal was coming from.)

Kim decided to log on to the net, a bit worried that she might be revealing the location of Drakken's back up lair by working from there. But she was interested to talking somebody. The computer started up and she was online.

Strangely she had an e-mail already waiting in the box. It was from no one she had heard of.

To: KimPossible.com

From: JadedZealotcs.com

RE: Shego, injuries, etc.

Dear Kim Possible,

So you think your having a run of ugly luck right now? Well that's too bad, you took up that mantle of hero in the past and it's time to live with that decision. Who the hell else is capable of saving the world? Drakken? I saw the blue boy in action against Shego in his battle suit, he's got some decent moves I'll acknowledge, but he is far from being able to save the world. After that who do we got? The re-animated corpse of Captain Freedom? Get real Kim Possible. We need you to pull yourself out of your bitching and get back to your JOB! Shego has enslaved the entire world!

Who is this smart ass e-mailing you? Well you don't know, you never have. But I do know YOU, because I've watched and studied you from a close distance in the past.

I know its going to be ugly. I know its going to be harsh. But you were the one who got up on their goddamned high horse and clearly stated "I can do anything!" Well now its time for you to pay for your bragging, arrogance must be earned by the paying of one's dues like I did in my career. Show me that you really can do anything.

Regards,

A Jaded Zealot

Kim was fuming at that. Who the hell did this random person think he or she was anyways? And obviously there claims of knowing her were false, she had great amounts of perception. There was no way that some stalker freak could follow her around and her not catch and pummel them.

She suddenly got an instant message from this wonderful and mysterious freak.

Jaded Zealot: Where the hell have you been Kim Possible?

Blue Fox: Why is it any of your business you stalker freak?

Jaded Zealot: Because while you've been wherever the world has been enslaved by that green skinned freak Shego!

Blue Fox: Okay...let me rephrase my question...who the hell are you?

Jaded Zealot: A friend of yours, but the who is not important.

Blue Fox: Okay then.

Blue Fox: So what the hell do you want with me?

Blue Fox: And if your some 45 weird basement dwelling fanboy whose looking for sex...forget it!

Jaded Zealot: Ha ha. Basement dwelling.

Jaded Zealot: I want you to start training again, to save all of us from the mean green machine.

Blue Fox: Oh right.

Jaded Zealot: Well when will you?

Blue Fox: I'm done. I can't fight anymore.

Jaded Zealot: Now what the hell kind of attitude is that?

Jaded Zealot: You get off your lazy ass and start working yourself back to shape missy!

Jaded Zealot: I command you!

Blue Fox: Right

Blue Fox: A person who I've never met is NOT going to tell me what to do.

Jaded Zealot: What about your girlfriend?

Blue Fox: Girlfriend?

Jaded Zealot: I forget her name, starts with a B though.

Blue Fox: Hey psycho! You will stay away from my Bon Bon!

Jaded Zealot: I'll do whatever I need to do in order to get you to save the goddamn world.

Blue Fox: You are not going to hurt her!

Jaded Zealot: Oh? Getting a bit of an attitude eh miss Possible?

Blue Fox: FUCK YOU ASSHOLE!

Jaded Zealot: Yes, that would be quite fun. Though perhaps a bit inappropriate for a good Christian girl that yourself.

Blue Fox: YOU ARE NOT GOING TO HURT BONNIE!

Jaded Zealot: Heh heh, oh yes I am. I know where you live bitch and with how weak and out of shape you are it would be very easy for me to do. Hell I might do you too as an added benefit, seeing how your so unwilling to fight.

Tell me? Have you ever been fucked up the ass Kim Possible? Has Bon Bon?



Kim Possible could not believe her eyes when she read that. Who was this psychopath? She was livid. No one was going to threaten her or Bonnie! No one! She would kill this freak and cut his balls off!

Blue Fox: I WILL KILL YOU!

Jaded Zealot: What? I couldn't hear you you little out of shape piece of crap.

Blue Fox: I AM GOING TO KILL YOU! WHERE THE FUCK YOU LIVE?!

Jaded Zealot: Los Angeles. Grab Drakken's jet pack and meet in under the Hollywood sign.

Blue Fox: Oh...you've got it. What do you look like? I need to know the right bastard to kill?

Blue Fox: Let me guess, your some big idiot right?

Jaded Zealot: No.

Jaded Zealot: I'm short and old. Look for the guy in the John Deere hat with the Dallas Cowboy belt buckle. God Bless America T-shirt, faded jeans. Shit kicked steel toed boots.

Jaded Zealot: No weapons. Just fists.

Blue Fox: Your funeral redneck. I'll be there.

Jaded Zealot: Bye Kim Possible. :)

Blue Fox: Fuck you.

Kim Possible steeled herself.

She didn't want this fight, but her rage had overruled her senses. There was no way anyone was going to hurt her friends. As out of shape as she was and out of practice as she was and as scared as she was...she was going to bring it.

Besides, this man had described himself as short and old so maybe it would easy. Maybe he was just a nut.

She hoped that he was just some nut.



Kim Possible arrived in Los Angeles on Drakken's jet pack, as instructed she had arrived at the base of the Hollywood sign.

And lo and behold there was the nut case who had sent here the e-mails. He was the very image of the aged redneck that he had described himself as in the IM conversation. The figure was that of a short and wiry man in a tight white t-shirt and faded jeans with a John Deere baseball hat and a Dallas Cowboys belt buckle. Kim Possible glared at him fiercely.

She came to the conclusion right away that this guy was a nut. He didn't look imposing at all, he looked like some good old boy born to parents who had once been brother and sister.

"Look, your going to stop threatening my friends you warped little freak." Kim snarled at him. "And I'm going to do it right here and now."

"Why miss Possible." He began with a voice that had no southern drawl of any kind. "I do believe your fangs are showing."

"You are so dead."

Kim Possible lunged at him with more fury and then grace, her fighting abilities having diminished from several months on Drakken's couch. She still expected to hit him with the kick fairly easily.

She was very wrong.

The man used her own motion against her, adding to the lunge and sending her badly off target. Kim Possible landed unceremoniously on her skinny little ass.

"Holy God...maybe I was wrong about you being humanities best hope." He laughed at her. "Try again Kimmy."

Kim Possible threw a flying kick at him that he easily parried. She began to get livid and slashed at him with her fists, punching straight, throwing hooks and uppercuts. But his hands were everywhere, the gaps in his defenses closing within fractions of a second. His hands swatting down every blow she threw at his torso or head.

Kim Possible stopped attacking, her breath running out as she stop panting and sweating profusely.

"Why aren't you attacking me?" She demanded.

"To beat you up, would prove absolutely nothing." He shrugged arrogantly.

Kim Possible then charged at him again, trying to get to grips with this phantom that could not be hit. She kicked at him with all of her effort, but she came with air as he retreated backyards in yet another of his fraction of second moves. Kim Possible threw her feet and legs at him, using every kick she had programmed into her. The axe, the roundhouse, the backwards, the hook and everything else that she could do with her feet. But all she could do was chase that ghost.

After about a hundred different kicks she stood panting and wheezing again, this time even more annoyed then the first. Sweat was now running like salty rapids down her face.

"You are so irritating." Kim growled at him, her chest heaving up and down as he just stood there with a mocking smile.

"Trust me, you don't know the half of it."

"Alrite...your going down mister."

Kim Possible then struck out at him with the full extent of her diminished reflexes. She was now wild eyed and seeing red, punching and kicking with all of her slowed speed, even throwing herself at his upper body in an attempted tackle that caused her to land ingloriusly on the ground in front of her.

Kim jumped back up and launched the last parts of the growingly feeble assault. But her feet seemed like they were weighted in cement, unable at all to hit this freaky little man.

Finally Kim stopped, gasping for dear air.

The man walked up to her, put one finger on her chest and then pushed her over. She hit the ground and lay there sucking in oxygen.

"Fucker." She whined. She had been completed embarrassed by this seeming redneck. She instantly recalled Brick Flagg's futile attempts to lay into a certain foreign exchange student, knowing that this small old man had humiliated her in the exact same fashion.

"Fucker? Now that's not very middle America of you miss Possible."

"You're the redneck here."

"I'm not a real redneck." He said in his very non redneck voice. She then felt a sort of déjà vu, somewhere before she had heard that voice speak. But could not at all place it.

"I figured that much from your mastery of...uh martial art known to exist?"

"And I few I've created myself."

"Who are you? Now I have to know."

"Well I'm not a rapist, you can be sure of that. I just made all that up."

"What?"

"You were locked in despair. The only way out of despair is through intense anger. I should know, I've experienced it myself. But that's not a problem anymore now is it?"

"No its not."

"Good, I'm glad I could teach you some tough love. Your in need of it. Up until this new villain coalition you've never really been challenged as a super hero."

"I have so been challenged!"

"By what? A man who thinks hes a monkey? A golfer whose plan to make the world a golf course? A blue freak who draws a horsie and calls it a doomsday machine? You beat them easily. And you and me both know it. In the before time you were never truelly put to the test."

"How do you know so much about me?"

The old man seemed to be lost in thought as he store out upon the city of Los Angeles below him. "Because." He said. "I've walked in your shoes. I'm the only one who ever has."

"Walked in my shoes?"

"I know what it's like. To pick up the entire world and tie it on your back. To go out in the face of over powering evil and be the only thing standing between a city, a nation, a planet and utter destruction. To have people...look up to you as if you're a God for the things that you can do. Those poor people in these bombed out cities still look up to you Kim Possible, you can't let them down. And I know you won't let them down."

"Why do you know that?"

"Because your like me Kim Possible. Your like me."

"Like you?"

"You're a monster of arrogance and overachievement, you'll go out there again. Your pride will spur you to action."

"Insulting much?"

"Bah, you know its true. You're a jerk like I am. It's okay to admit it. You and me, we both have the asshole gene."

"Excuse me?!"

"Oh is perfect little Kim Possible offended by the mean little man? Grow up girl, you're an asshole just like me."

"Fuck you jerk."

He laughed. "I wish. You hot redheaded little piece of fucking jailbait."

"Oh you don't have to worry about me being jailbait. I'd never let you in a million years."

"I could force you."

"You'd never be able too."

"Oh?"

"Cause at your methusalthen age there's no way your equipment is still in working order. The only way a withered old bastard like you could rape someone is with those boner up drugs."

He laughed. "Your are correct my young asshole in training."

"Shut up."

"Fine, deny your flat out mean spirited nature. But we both know it's there. Just like we both know that your friend wanted you as more then a friend, or at least he did before he died."

"What the hell are you talking about?"

"You know what I'm talking about. Either that or your just the most icey bitch in America." The sarcastic old bastard smirked.

"You are such a dirty old man."

"Guilty as charged." He laughed. "Tell me Kim Possible, you ever cut him a break from your bitchiness and give him some head?"

Kim turned red faced and considered swinging at him again. "Okay...you tell me now who you are or I'm leaving. I don't have to listen to your abuse."

"I'm a retiree."

"Yes, but from what business?"

"Kim Possible, did you see the sun rise today? It was amazing."

"Your dodging the question yet again. Fine, I'm leaving. It was not nice meeting you."

He saw her walking away. "Of course, having a day or two without the sun coming up at all...that really teaches you to appreciate it."

"What?" Kim asked in wide eyed confusion. It didn't last very long for her because it that moment she squinted her eyes at him and finally came to a revelation. The golden hair had fallen out, the muscles had shrunken, but there was no mistaking the square ness of that protruding heroic jaw. She now recognized his famous face. "My God. You...you looked so much taller on the videos they show in school."

Captain Freedom ignored her, still off in the halls of memory. "Putting the sun back is such an annoying task I must say, but hey it gets cold and you miss having it around."