BLUE WASTELAND

A Kim Possible Fan Fiction Oddity

By Psychedelic Leviathan and the helium voiced demons from the outer darkness

(KP is owned by Disney. Captain Freedom is a character from my Dudeman series and is owned by me.)

Kim Possible gawked at the little but arrogant man. She sat down on a bench near the Hollywood sign and attempted to get herself oriented. This was so insane that it really defied all logically thought. All of the nutcases who had claimed that Captain Freedom was still alive were completely right. Even if he hadn't been frozen in a secret government base or hanging out with Elvis, he was still alive. And kicking too.

"But...aren't you supposed to be well dead?" She asked.

"I'm not gonna die."

"Uh huh."

"Everyday I remind myself of the specter of mortality all around us. Then I say 'I will die...but it ain't be this damn day.' If I do that everyday forever then I'm golden. Its all just determination."

"You really think you can beat death?"

"Kim Possible I know I can. I've been doing it."

"For how long?"

"What?"

"Just out of you know, curiosity. How old are you?"

"Well let me say it this way, ninety is staring me in the face. I've been around. And if you ask how long exactly then you'll be dodging MY attacks."

"Wow, your like twice as old as my dad."

Captain Freedom halfheartedly threw a rock at Kim for that. "Funny." He said. "Are you till denying that you carry the asshole gene?"

"I am not an asshole."

"You left your supposed best friend in the world locked in a closet for two days...and you claim not to be?"

Kim Possible looked at him shocked. "You lie!"

"I don't lie, I stalk." The man in patriotic clothes snarled. "That was an atrocious thing to do."

"Fuck you."

"You wish."

"You bastard." Kim growled. "Stalking me like that."

"Well your not the only one you cold hard bitch." Freedom folded his arms in wrath. "Ever since radioactivity my superhero career ended I've needed a new hobby. So obsessive fans sometimes would pay me to find out things about their favorite celebrity. Or get choice photos. It was somewhat challenging and kept me in cash for a number of decades."

"That's deranged. I can't believe a man who so many people worships is really such a huge dirt bag. "

"Like your one to talk you treacherous whore." Captain Freedom then smiled. "Funny thing though, I'm the only superhero whose career ENDED because of radiation exposure."

Kim Possible's mouth hung open in shock. "What?"

"Oh no, the big mean old bastard has hurt the feelings of the princess yet again."

"TREACHEROUS WHORE?"

Freedom laughed again and did an imitation of a girl's voice, a very whiny girl's voice too. "OH JOSH MANKEY I'M SO HOT FOR YOU...SO MUCH SO THAT I LEFT MY BEST FRIEND TO DIE IN A CLOSET SO I COULD..."

Freedom's Kim impersonation was cut short by Kim Possible slapping him across the face. "Shut up!"

Freedom responding by slapping Kim back. "Why don't you."

"Look if you hate me so much then why did you make me come out here?"

"Because you have to beat Shego."

"Why can't you if your so high and mighty? And crude and obnoxious?"

"Because I'm too old."

"A ha, so you admit that I am better then you."

Freedom looked at her hard. "You wish."

"Then why are you asking for my help?"

"Because I'm past my prime. And that does not mean your better, you just happen to be an example of youth being wasted on the young."

"Oh no, are you going to start ranting about the olden years?"

"Kim Possible, things were much harder back then."

"Ah yes, the powers of senility."

"Fuck that. When I was 16 or 17, I could have mopped the floor with you."

"As if! I saw you on the videos, you weren't that fast compared to what we have today. Or that strong. You'd be lucky to make it through Drakken's henchmen today."

Freedom smiled, not listening to Kim at all. "Now Shego, there's someone from present era who could have gone out and competed back in the days when shit was RUGGED. But you...naw."

Kim Possible glared at the man who had once been the world's greatest hero. They both knew the stupidity of comparing eras, as both generations of heroes and villains had been very different.

"So. Are you still planning to try to teach me your ways or something. After our little disagreements?"

"Disagreements?"

"The name calling?"

"That's not a disagreement. You should have the seen what I had to do to keep those idiots in the Justice Legion in line. Its very hard to get through to a man who willingly wears his underwear outside his pants."

"Didn't you do that as well?"

"Only cause it was the style at the time. Not because I liked it, it was like a self imposed wedgie."

"I can't imagine wearing spandex outside, I really can't."

"Those were different times."

Captain Freedom was staring off into the distance again. Kim Possible had rightfully judged him to be an insanely moody bastard. He had gone from wrath to apathy in the span of ten seconds.

He was also immensely discontent, something that was apparent after even five minutes of conversation with the man. He was so unlike the black and white videos. Kim remembered that in one of them he was clubbed by a henchman so hard that it nearly ripped his head out, in response to this assault he simply yelled "DANNNGGGGG!" Even with torrents of blood running down his face and his teeth loosened he had been unable to use profanity. Had he not been an Eagle scout? And a man of moral convictions? What had happened to him in that long time period?

This aged creature in front of her was totally different. He was a pitiful shell of a legend in her opinion, aside from his retention of fighting skills there was little heroic about him. Well other then the most squarely shaped jaw Kim had ever seen in her life. He had spent decades being a professional pervert after disappearing off the face of the Earth. What could cause the what was once the world's greatest hero to fall so far from grace?

"From up here, people look like ants." He said in a kind of mysticism that only the former crime fighter understood.

"Why did you disappear?"

"That..." He said slowly. "Is none of your business."

"Oh, sorry."

"Don't be."

"So...you want to train me?"

"Its what has to be done. Unless of course, you think your friend Drakken is capable of doing the job by himself."

"What exactly is your training plan? Are you going to try to brainwash me and show me that my reality is a sham, like in the Matrix?"

"Hmmmm. There goes that plan."

"How long have you been following me?"

"Three years. Since you started this."

"Why?"

"In case you failed."

"But I thought you said your too old to fight crimefight."

"With my bare hands. But I have equipment. And I'm not talking about what's in my pants."

"Eww, gross." Kim said with mock horror.

Freedom's mood swings occurred again. "Look, am I going to train you? Or are you just going to let Shego further conquer the planet?"

"Okay. Lets do it."

Freedom seemed happy now. "Excellent. But do you think your up to working with me?"

"I can do anything. What's it entail?"

"Are you prepared to hate me more then anyone else in the world?"

"I already do. And I must say, you worked fast in establishing that."

"Hmmm, then we're already a quarter of the way there. Take me back to you lair or wherever."

"Well I should ask Drakken...but whatever."

Kim strapped the jetpack back on. "What I don't get a jetpack?"

Kim reluctantly extended an arm. "If you grope me while I'm flying you there, I will drop you."

"Fair enough." He stated with mock exasperation.

Kim put one arm around the ex-hero and then powered up the engine. Captain Freedom was amazingly light, his muscle bulk having vanished seemingly along with his height in the past.



"Welcome to Hell." Kim Possible said. "Hell, New Mexico that is."

"Looks like the genuine article to me."

"Come on flag boy, lets get you introduced to Drakken."

"Oh I know him too, from a pervert's distance of course."

"How lovely."

They approached the back up lair, Kim Possible saw a bare-chested and massive version of Drakken striding back towards it. The monster Drakken was drenched in human blood. Inexplicably, he was also carrying what looked to be the remains of a street sign.

"Drakken." Kim said.

Drakken immediately turned on one foot at the sight of his beloved vixen. "Kimmy! Your back! Where did you go? And whose the redneck?"

"You don't recognize me?" Captain Freedom asked Drakken.

"No, I don't know who you are."

Captain Freedom felt insulted, but he sized up this bizarre Drakken well. He had better fighting skills, but that freak now had the strength to cripple him. Insulting would be the better policy then fighting. "You really don't?" he asked.

"Your someone who obviously thinks they're all that...BUT ISN'T!"

Freedom laughed. "Yeah, your Drakken alrite."

"And you still have not told me who you are."

"The world's greatest hero. I've come to train young Kim Possible here. Now step aside muscle head, we've got work to do."

The two of them passed Drakken. The blue man noted with anger that Kim hadn't even talked to him, too busy talking to the strange old guy. Drakken crossed his arms in hate and begin thinking paranoid thoughts. Who was this freak and what did he want with Kim? He was obviously crazy from his delusional claim of being the world's greatest hero. Drakken knew well that he was now the world's greatest hero, as sad a fact as that was.

He watched Kim and the old geezer sparring in martial arts, or at least try too. Drakken grimaced as he watched Kim Possible get smacked around and generally humiliated. The redhead looked downright sluggish against the white haired oldster, who blocked everything she could throw him.

Who was this freak?

"Come on Kim, you want of a piece of THIS old man?"

"Ohhhh I'll get one."

The freak threw Kim on her back with a judo move and then laughed sarcastically. "Come on you slow piece of crap, get after me." He stated viciously.

Drakken clenched his fist so hard that his palm almost bled from the pressure exerted by his fingers and then stalked forward mightily. No punkass bastard was going to mock Kim like that. Drakken didn't care how old this guy was, he wasn't going to make fun of the love of his bizarre life.

Drakken grabbed the white haired man, turned him around with his strength and then punched him in the face. "FUCK YOU FLAG BOY!" He growled.

The old man collapsed from the force of the blow. "Fuck you." He stated as he lay there and then seemed to black out.

"Drakken!" Kim exclaimed. "He's old, you might have killed him!"

"I just gave him a little tap." Drakken shrugged. "I wasn't going to let him make fun of you like that."

"That's both sweet and wrong Drew."

Drakken then found himself on his back as an arm shot out and grabbed his leg with a surprising strength. Kim had been wrong, the old guy hadn't been killed, just fazed a bit.

"If you think I'm going to fall down and die like Grandpa on the Simpsons, then your greatly mistaken." The stranger told Drakken.

Drakken broke the hold on his leg by kicking him with the other huge blue leg. "Oh...bring it." Drakken sneered.

"Oh I will." Captain Freedom snarled with hate as he felt blood dripping from his nose.

Drakken was then laid into, the old man kicking him repeatedly in the midsection. A kick came at his groin but Drakken grabbed the leg. He then pulled the man off his feet and the ex hero was once again on his back.

Freedom saw Drakken attempting to jump on top of his sprawled out body like a wrestler coming off of the ropes and narrowly avoided it. He leapt backwards and onto his feet. Before Drakken could get back on his feet Freedom kicked the blue giant in the face three separate times, breaking Drakken's nose and creating red where there had previously been nothing but blue.

Drakken bellowed with bullish rage and then lunged at Freedom, who desperately evaded Drakken. The ex-hero was getting nervy now, this was no atrophied and rusty Kim Possible, this was a raging behemoth would had the power to snap him in half. He ducked a series of huge blows from those veiny steroid bloated arms, feeling the displacement of wind and air as he did so.

He went on the offensive again, throwing a jumping kick into Drakken's mountainous chest. He hit the target, but unfortunately he had been aiming into Drakken's least vulnerable location. He jumped back in order to avoid another one of those enormous clubbing blows that he feared could have taken off his head.

"STAND STILL!" Drakken growled as he charged in again.

Freedom's agility made Drakken miss and as he turned back in his direction Freedom rapidly punched Drakken in the throat. The blue giant staggered back, falling to the ground onto one knee in agony.

Drakken looked up just in time to catch another one of Freedom's kicks, then throw him harshly to the ground and onto his bony old ass. Drakken gritted his blood stained teeth in wrath and advanced upon the fallen man. The world was soon going to be without this fast, annoying little bastard.

Captain Freedom saw the raging bull coming straight for him and knew that he was in serious danger to himself. Before he could even get himself up Drakken seized him in both hands and lifted him straight up with his steel bending power.

"NO ONE HURTS MY KIMMY!" He raged, the body building chemicals in his blood stream overriding his brain and any sense of mercy he had.

The big hands clamped down around his eighty six year old neck and his vision became streaking his pain as the big blue ox strangled him. Freedom knew that he was about to die if he couldn't do something. He wanted to kick Drakken, but his legs hurt too much. So he shot out one of those quick hands and delivered a horrible blow to the blue giant's Adam's apple.

Drakken released Freedom and then fell backwards in terrible pain. Freedom started to say something but collapsed onto the ground as well. The battle between quickness and brute power was ended in a draw.

Kim Possible looked at the whole scene with a kind of horror. "Oh dear God..." She sat down on the ground and blinked rapidly.

Drakken slowly got up, he had not been hit hard enough to be killed, but he wasn't having the best day at this point either. "Kim...owww..." He groaned.

"I told you shouldn't have messed with him." Kim stated slowly. "Or at least I think I did."

"No...you didn't. But I should have gotten the idea from watching him handle you like that." Drakken wheezed through his badly abused throat. "Mother of God..." He whimpered in pain as he began to walk towards Kim. "Kim Possible, who is this old freak? Where did you find him. And why is he all that?"

"This old freak, is the world's greatest hero." The old man muttered through his broken jaw. "Just like he said he has blue boy."

"Its true." Kim added. "He was."

Captain Freedom tried to stand but could only get up onto on leg. "Yeah." He said. "Tell him about me."

"This is the man who was once Captain Freedom."

Drakken's eyes got big, but he was not as surprised as Kim had been. "A-ha! I knew it all along! You've never been dead! They scoffed when I said you were still alive too! Scoffed at me like were all that..."

"But they weren't?" Freedom cut him off.

"How did you know I was going to say that?" Drakken asked.

"Look, can we go inside or something?" Freedom asked. "I was going to train Kim but that's no longer the situation."

"Fine fine." Drakken said. "You've earned the right to stay here."

"Do all of your guests have to punch you in the throat to get in?" Freedom asked.

"No, but you did. I didn't like the looks of you."

Freedom nodded with another pained groaned. "God, I am too old to have my ass kicked like that."

"Ha ha, I took down the world's greatest hero!"

"You wish blue boy. That was a draw, neither of us was standing up to claim the win."

"No no I clearly won."

"You aren't a winner if your unable to stand up. Its just a rule. And even if you won, I'm way past retired. So big fucking deal you jerk."

"Hmmmm, I like your impudence. You're my kind of scum mister Freedom. Maybe we'll get along." Drakken stated.

Kim went into the living room and flopped down on the couch with exhaustion. It was now late afternoon and she had been running around all day. In the past that would have presented no problem, but she wasn't in the same shape she had been either mentally or physically.

Kim groaned at her fate. She was now stuck between Drakken (who she still considered an idiot in spite of everything) and the senile old bastard Freedom. She hated Freedom already, never in her life had a man (or a woman) insulted her like that.

"Why me?" She asked.

Freedom's words were smacking around inside her head. Was what he said true, that she was as big a jerk as he was. No she decided, that simply was not true. She was Kim Possible and Kim Possible was pure and clean and had a soul as white as snow. Sure she had left Ron, but Josh meant so much more to her, even if Ron had been her friend and...

Ugh, thinking could be so irritating. Especially when it forced one to question false beliefs.

Kim felt someone hugging her tightly, dark hair fell upon her face.

"Kimmy." The girl said. "Where have you been?"

Kim felt the girl kissing her neck, a sensation that sent excited chills down her back. "Bon Bon...oh thank God you're here, I've been having a bad day."

"Oh, so you met mister Freedom then?"

'Um yes how did you know?"

"He e-mailed me and said he was planning to do things with you. It was kind of weird."

Bonnie kissed her again. "Bon Bon...do you think I'm..."

"What?"

"A bitch?"

Bonnie had an answer to that, but stifled it. Kim Possible was just too pretty, she wanted her just too much to be truthfully. "No Kimmy, not at all. You're a very nice person." Bonnie hated saying that, but she was hotter then hell at the moment.

"Mmmmm...I know Bon Bon. Its just Captain Freedom is so mean. Do you know what I'm saying to you?"

Bonnie got on top of Kim, straddling her from above. Bonnie kissed Kim's face. "Oh yes Kimmy. People are so wrong about you, your not mean at all."

Kim felt relieved. She had been right all along, she was not a cold hard bitch like Freedom had stated. She was the perfect Kim Possible. The prettiest, smartest, best and most perfect person in the world. She had known it all along of course, just needed a little positive reinforcement.

Bonnie on the other hand no longer felt guilt for lying, for she now enjoyed the sweaty rewards of her lying.