AN: Well, here is chapter 4. Once again I apologize for the delay. The lyrics at the end are from "Love is a Battlefield" by Pat Benetar, one of my guilty pleasures. This chapter was a blast to write and as always please let me know what you think. The usual disclaimers apply. Enjoy!
Chapter 4
Lose Control
The sound of glass shattering pulled Nina from her sleep. She sat bolt upright in bed, a sharp pain in her shoulder instantly making her regret the sudden movement. She scanned the room, her eyes slowly adjusting to the semi-darkness. The couch where Jack had been when she had finally drifted off to sleep was now empty. He was instead sitting at a small table in the corner of the room staring intently at the far wall. She followed his gaze and saw the wet smear on the wall and the small shards of glass scattered on the floor below it. It was then that she saw the syringe on the table and Jack's rolled sleeve and exposed vein and the pieces began to fall into place. Nina slid out from between the sheets and walked over to claim the chair next to him.
"So I guess you weren't planning on sharing with the rest of the class." Nina said. Jack didn't look at her he just closed his eyes in frustrated exhaustion and let the tourniquet off of his arm.
"I promised myself…never again." He said quietly.
"How long has this been going on?" Nina said her voice uncharacteristically void of judgment or sarcasm.
"Almost two years." Jack said still refusing to meet her eyes.
"So I guess you weren't kidding when you said you gave the Salazars your soul." Nina said almost flippantly as she leaned back into the chair, absent-mindedly massaging a crick out of her neck. It was then that she noticed Jack's hands were shaking slightly and all of the marks on his arm were healed. He had shattered the bottled before he had used any of its contents. Nina was startled by the broken, self-loathing man who sat before her unable to let himself ease the pain or let go of it. Jack had always seemed so impervious. Sure, she had seen him angry, she had even seen him scared something not many people could claim, but she had never seen him like this. Nina was faced for the first time with the realization that he was broken and she was the one who had broken him. This thought brought a flood of conflicting emotions that she had neither expected or was prepared to deal with. She tore her eyes off him and stared into the darkness.
"You can compromise once…" Her voice was soft, little more than a whisper.
"What?" Jack questioned turning to face her for the first time since she had sat down.
"Nothing." Nina answered quickly, she hadn't really been aware that she had said spoken aloud. They sat for a moment in silence and she reconsidered.
"It was something that you said to me a long time ago. You said that all it takes is one compromise and pretty soon you lose yourself and all you can do is compromise." Her voice was even but her green eyes portrayed more than she meant them to. She resented the realization that slowly spread across Jack's face and quickly switched gears. "It struck me as ironic back then and it seems even more ironic now." She gave a bitter half smile as she spoke.
"Yeah, if someone had asked me three years ago where I saw us ending up, I don't think terrorist and drug addict would have been my first answer." Jack answered in an uncharacteristic display of humor. He was simply too tired to get angry. Nina smiled a bit surprised by his answer, she could tell he was exhausted. She saw her opportunity and she took it.
"Jack, I know you're still working with CTU." She said matter-of-factly. Jack leaned back in his chair his face unreadable. "I heard you on the phone the other night and I know the only reason that you are keeping me around is because you believe I have information that could be useful to you."
"And do you?" Jack asked still letting her lead the conversation curious and bit apprehensive as to where this was headed.
"Yes, I can give you information on Amador, his associates, and my buyer. I'll give you everything I know and work with whoever you want on one condition."
"And what would that be?"
"I am never going back to prison. As soon as I'm done I'll leave the country and never come back." Nina leaned forward as she spoke. Jack stood up quickly grabbing the arms of her chair and turning it forcibly around so he was less than inches from her face.
"That sounds oddly familiar except last time you said it you had a gun to my head so you were slightly more convincing. What makes you think I would ever trust you enough to agree to that?" Jack's voice quickly switched from cynicism to anger as he spoke. Nina was not all surprised by his reaction.
"The way I see it trust has nothing to do with it. I am your only chance of saving millions of people from an agonizing death. I know you Jack, I know that you would do anything to safe those people and that nothing, not even your intense hatred of me, would prevent you from taking the only solution you have." Nina's voice sounded mockingly triumphant. She had him in a corner and she was curious to see how he would react. They had played this game so many times, every time the same pattern, and every time the stakes seemed higher. Jack's hands tightened on the arms of the chair.
"Fine." He said finally "But if your information proves useless or if at any point I even suspect that you are lying to us or being less than forthcoming, I will take action you will regret." Jack's voice was deadly serious and Nina felt the slight shiver run down her spine, she had always found Jack particularly sexy when he was angry.
"Fine." She said after a short pause. Jack stared at her intently for a long moment. Still inches from her, breathing heavily from barely contained rage, his eyes daring her to try anything. After what seemed like eternity Jack reclaimed his chair, he rested his elbows on the table wearily massaging his temples with one hand.
Nina got up from her chair and went to stand by the window her arms crossed across her chest. She stared out at the star filled sky and realized how much she hated this. Fighting with Jack was always a rush and winning was especially thrilling, but she hated the walls and the lies that isolated her. Here in this room, in this moment, having once again manipulated herself into a dubious position of power she felt more alone than she had ever felt in her life.
"Nina." Jack said and Nina was suddenly acutely aware that he was watching her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot." Nina instructed perching on the edge of the bed.
"Why?" Jack asked earnestly.
"Why, what?" Nina asked.
"Why did you do any of this? Why did you betray CTU? Why did you sell us out? " Jack waited for an answer, expecting a lie. And Nina gave him one, one she had practiced so many times she almost believed it.
"Because I was bored and under appreciated and it was so easy. Not, exactly the insightful answer you were hoping for, but that's the reason. I was disenchanted and it paid well. It was never personal." Nina refused to look away as she spoke, knowing that Jack was scrutinizing her every move looking for any hint that she was lying. Jack stared at her sadly for a long moment and then finally looked away. She had given him the answer he had expected, but hoped she wouldn't give.
"Yes it was." Jack said flatly getting up going to stand beside the window.
"Please, don't flatter yourself…" Nina started, his words rubbing old scars, but Jack cut her off.
"You were my partner and my best friend. I trusted you with everything. Hell, I even trusted you with my family and you lied to me. You lied to me everyday, you put my family in danger, and you killed my wife. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't curse my own stupidity for not seeing through you." Jack paused his voice full of guilt and sadness. "So whether or not it was personal for you, it was for me." Jack's voice cracked slightly as he spoke it was clear that this admission was costing him dearly. Nina was completely taken aback by Jack's display of vulnerability. She turned away; she couldn't bear to look at him and for the first time she felt something inside her start to ache desperately. She wanted him, she wanted to go back, she wanted things to be different, she wanted to be different.
"I'm sorry, Jack." For the first time in her life she actually meant those words. She offered no justification; no excuse just a simple apology. She got up and stood beside him. They both stared out the window into the darkness; each isolated by the wounds of the past and neither sure how to proceed. Nina placed a tentative hand on his arm willing him to look at her.
"I am sorry for the pain I caused you and if I could go back and change things I would." Even as she spoke them the words seemed hollow and inadequate. It was more than she had ever given anyone and somehow it still didn't seem enough. She leaned forward and kissed him lightly unable to think of any other way demonstrate her sincerity. He didn't respond and she instantly regretted it. She returned to staring out the window.
Jack stood stiff and silent for a long moment and then to Nina's surprise he turned, pulling her to him and kissing her deeply. There was nothing tender or hesitant in his actions it was pure unadulterated hunger. Nina staggered back under the intensity of the kiss. Her back hit the wall and she coiled her arms around his neck savoring the taste of him. Years of loneliness and repressed desire, she never admitted she felt, boiled to the surface. His hands found the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head throwing it onto the floor. She began to work the buttons of his shirt, ripping one off in hurried distraction. His lips found the curve of her neck and she gasped still not completely believing that this was happening. She took his face in her hands and pulled him back up to meet her lips . They covered the short distance to the bed continuing to shed clothing as they went. They tumbled back onto the bed. Jacks hands traced the curves of her memorizing the strange collection of scars she had obtained in the years since they had last been here. They were two perfect equal opposites thrown together again by the incomprehensible hands of fate, finding each other once again in the only way they knew how.
~*~
It would help me to know, do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had?
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side
We're losing control, will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside?
And if all this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold
Chapter 4
Lose Control
The sound of glass shattering pulled Nina from her sleep. She sat bolt upright in bed, a sharp pain in her shoulder instantly making her regret the sudden movement. She scanned the room, her eyes slowly adjusting to the semi-darkness. The couch where Jack had been when she had finally drifted off to sleep was now empty. He was instead sitting at a small table in the corner of the room staring intently at the far wall. She followed his gaze and saw the wet smear on the wall and the small shards of glass scattered on the floor below it. It was then that she saw the syringe on the table and Jack's rolled sleeve and exposed vein and the pieces began to fall into place. Nina slid out from between the sheets and walked over to claim the chair next to him.
"So I guess you weren't planning on sharing with the rest of the class." Nina said. Jack didn't look at her he just closed his eyes in frustrated exhaustion and let the tourniquet off of his arm.
"I promised myself…never again." He said quietly.
"How long has this been going on?" Nina said her voice uncharacteristically void of judgment or sarcasm.
"Almost two years." Jack said still refusing to meet her eyes.
"So I guess you weren't kidding when you said you gave the Salazars your soul." Nina said almost flippantly as she leaned back into the chair, absent-mindedly massaging a crick out of her neck. It was then that she noticed Jack's hands were shaking slightly and all of the marks on his arm were healed. He had shattered the bottled before he had used any of its contents. Nina was startled by the broken, self-loathing man who sat before her unable to let himself ease the pain or let go of it. Jack had always seemed so impervious. Sure, she had seen him angry, she had even seen him scared something not many people could claim, but she had never seen him like this. Nina was faced for the first time with the realization that he was broken and she was the one who had broken him. This thought brought a flood of conflicting emotions that she had neither expected or was prepared to deal with. She tore her eyes off him and stared into the darkness.
"You can compromise once…" Her voice was soft, little more than a whisper.
"What?" Jack questioned turning to face her for the first time since she had sat down.
"Nothing." Nina answered quickly, she hadn't really been aware that she had said spoken aloud. They sat for a moment in silence and she reconsidered.
"It was something that you said to me a long time ago. You said that all it takes is one compromise and pretty soon you lose yourself and all you can do is compromise." Her voice was even but her green eyes portrayed more than she meant them to. She resented the realization that slowly spread across Jack's face and quickly switched gears. "It struck me as ironic back then and it seems even more ironic now." She gave a bitter half smile as she spoke.
"Yeah, if someone had asked me three years ago where I saw us ending up, I don't think terrorist and drug addict would have been my first answer." Jack answered in an uncharacteristic display of humor. He was simply too tired to get angry. Nina smiled a bit surprised by his answer, she could tell he was exhausted. She saw her opportunity and she took it.
"Jack, I know you're still working with CTU." She said matter-of-factly. Jack leaned back in his chair his face unreadable. "I heard you on the phone the other night and I know the only reason that you are keeping me around is because you believe I have information that could be useful to you."
"And do you?" Jack asked still letting her lead the conversation curious and bit apprehensive as to where this was headed.
"Yes, I can give you information on Amador, his associates, and my buyer. I'll give you everything I know and work with whoever you want on one condition."
"And what would that be?"
"I am never going back to prison. As soon as I'm done I'll leave the country and never come back." Nina leaned forward as she spoke. Jack stood up quickly grabbing the arms of her chair and turning it forcibly around so he was less than inches from her face.
"That sounds oddly familiar except last time you said it you had a gun to my head so you were slightly more convincing. What makes you think I would ever trust you enough to agree to that?" Jack's voice quickly switched from cynicism to anger as he spoke. Nina was not all surprised by his reaction.
"The way I see it trust has nothing to do with it. I am your only chance of saving millions of people from an agonizing death. I know you Jack, I know that you would do anything to safe those people and that nothing, not even your intense hatred of me, would prevent you from taking the only solution you have." Nina's voice sounded mockingly triumphant. She had him in a corner and she was curious to see how he would react. They had played this game so many times, every time the same pattern, and every time the stakes seemed higher. Jack's hands tightened on the arms of the chair.
"Fine." He said finally "But if your information proves useless or if at any point I even suspect that you are lying to us or being less than forthcoming, I will take action you will regret." Jack's voice was deadly serious and Nina felt the slight shiver run down her spine, she had always found Jack particularly sexy when he was angry.
"Fine." She said after a short pause. Jack stared at her intently for a long moment. Still inches from her, breathing heavily from barely contained rage, his eyes daring her to try anything. After what seemed like eternity Jack reclaimed his chair, he rested his elbows on the table wearily massaging his temples with one hand.
Nina got up from her chair and went to stand by the window her arms crossed across her chest. She stared out at the star filled sky and realized how much she hated this. Fighting with Jack was always a rush and winning was especially thrilling, but she hated the walls and the lies that isolated her. Here in this room, in this moment, having once again manipulated herself into a dubious position of power she felt more alone than she had ever felt in her life.
"Nina." Jack said and Nina was suddenly acutely aware that he was watching her. "Can I ask you something?"
"Shoot." Nina instructed perching on the edge of the bed.
"Why?" Jack asked earnestly.
"Why, what?" Nina asked.
"Why did you do any of this? Why did you betray CTU? Why did you sell us out? " Jack waited for an answer, expecting a lie. And Nina gave him one, one she had practiced so many times she almost believed it.
"Because I was bored and under appreciated and it was so easy. Not, exactly the insightful answer you were hoping for, but that's the reason. I was disenchanted and it paid well. It was never personal." Nina refused to look away as she spoke, knowing that Jack was scrutinizing her every move looking for any hint that she was lying. Jack stared at her sadly for a long moment and then finally looked away. She had given him the answer he had expected, but hoped she wouldn't give.
"Yes it was." Jack said flatly getting up going to stand beside the window.
"Please, don't flatter yourself…" Nina started, his words rubbing old scars, but Jack cut her off.
"You were my partner and my best friend. I trusted you with everything. Hell, I even trusted you with my family and you lied to me. You lied to me everyday, you put my family in danger, and you killed my wife. There isn't a day that goes by that I don't curse my own stupidity for not seeing through you." Jack paused his voice full of guilt and sadness. "So whether or not it was personal for you, it was for me." Jack's voice cracked slightly as he spoke it was clear that this admission was costing him dearly. Nina was completely taken aback by Jack's display of vulnerability. She turned away; she couldn't bear to look at him and for the first time she felt something inside her start to ache desperately. She wanted him, she wanted to go back, she wanted things to be different, she wanted to be different.
"I'm sorry, Jack." For the first time in her life she actually meant those words. She offered no justification; no excuse just a simple apology. She got up and stood beside him. They both stared out the window into the darkness; each isolated by the wounds of the past and neither sure how to proceed. Nina placed a tentative hand on his arm willing him to look at her.
"I am sorry for the pain I caused you and if I could go back and change things I would." Even as she spoke them the words seemed hollow and inadequate. It was more than she had ever given anyone and somehow it still didn't seem enough. She leaned forward and kissed him lightly unable to think of any other way demonstrate her sincerity. He didn't respond and she instantly regretted it. She returned to staring out the window.
Jack stood stiff and silent for a long moment and then to Nina's surprise he turned, pulling her to him and kissing her deeply. There was nothing tender or hesitant in his actions it was pure unadulterated hunger. Nina staggered back under the intensity of the kiss. Her back hit the wall and she coiled her arms around his neck savoring the taste of him. Years of loneliness and repressed desire, she never admitted she felt, boiled to the surface. His hands found the hem of her shirt and pulled it over her head throwing it onto the floor. She began to work the buttons of his shirt, ripping one off in hurried distraction. His lips found the curve of her neck and she gasped still not completely believing that this was happening. She took his face in her hands and pulled him back up to meet her lips . They covered the short distance to the bed continuing to shed clothing as they went. They tumbled back onto the bed. Jacks hands traced the curves of her memorizing the strange collection of scars she had obtained in the years since they had last been here. They were two perfect equal opposites thrown together again by the incomprehensible hands of fate, finding each other once again in the only way they knew how.
~*~
It would help me to know, do I stand in your way
Or am I the best thing you've had?
Believe me, believe me, I can't tell you why
But I'm trapped by your love, and I'm chained to your side
We're losing control, will you turn me away
Or touch me deep inside?
And if all this gets old, will it still feel the same?
There's no way this will die
But if we get much closer, I could lose control
And if your heart surrenders, you'll need me to hold