BLUE WASTELAND

A Drakken Fan Fiction nightmare

By Psychedelic Leviathan and War World Four

(KP is owned by Disney. Captain Freedom is from my Dudeman series.)

A/N: Okay, lets get down to business. I haven't touched this story since the first week of April so my flow isn't running yet. The rust should come off quickly though.

It was the brink of dawn. Captain Freedom had spent much of early morning worrying about the health of the sun. He had been speaking to himself vividly about how he thought it was less bright then yesterday when Drakken had walked by.

"Where you going Drew?" Captain Freedom asked.

"I'm going to have some fun." Drakken said.

"Uh huh. What kind of fun does thou have planned young man?"

"Basically me and Irv are leaving Hell for a few days. We're headed for Cali where a bunch of Shego's troops are experimenting with new weapons out in the Mojave desert. Then we'll roll up on a bunch of Shego's men. If it's wearing green and black we're gonna knock it the fuck out. Also we intend to get really wasted while doing this. We already looted up a liquor store last night in preparation."

"Now that's a worthy goal." Freedom laughed. "You got any room on your debauchery wagon for me?"

"I don't know." Drakken said. "How old are you again?"

Freedom punched Drakken in the jaw, drawing some blood.

"Okay." Drakken said. "Your cool. Old school, nothing wrong with that."

"You goddamn right there's nothing wrong with old school. Now the generation of young punks currently coming up, now there's the problem."

"Your not too old to be thrown off the side of this truck Freedom."

"What happened to me being your god?"

"Fuck that."

Freedom proudly revealed a craggy grin. "There may be some hope for you yet blue boy. Hold on and let me get an old friend of mine." Freedom went back into Drakken's house and picked up something that looked kind of like a bazooka. A rather large rocket stuck out of the front. "I went back home last night with your war suit and picked it up."

Drakken didn't pay much attention. "You sure are in a talkative mood today. Did you start taking the viagra boner up challenge again?"

"Haha. Don't need that shit fool. The artillery is as potent as it was..."

"Back in the first world war?" Drakken interrupted.

Freedom punched Drakken in the arm. "As ever fool." He said.

Drakken smacked Freedom in the shoulder, the blow was light years short of the blue muscle case's best effort but it still hurt. "That's enough Drakken." Freedom said in mock surrender. "Save the precious gift of hatred for the enemy."

They drove up to the front of HELL'S GYM where Irv's bulky form was awaiting them along with a rocket launcher. He stood smiling with his tree trunk arms folded in front of his massive chest like some superhuman bouncer.

"Hey fellas." Irv said. "Ready to have a little fun at organized evil's expense?"

"Ready and fucking rearing." Freedom laughed.

"Whose the old guy?" Irv asked Drakken.

"Captain Freedom." He said.

"Uh huh. Where'd you find this whackjob Drakken?" Irv asked.

"No dude." Drakken said. "He really is Captain Freedom. He's just really old. But look at him long enough, you'll see the online of the face is the same as the guy on the old films."

"What kind of crack are smoking Drakken? And how much money did it cost?" Irv said. "That's not funny. My daddy fought and died in the Legion on the day the sun didn't come up."

"I'm not messing with you Irving. This is the same guy. The very same exact one." Drakken said. "Word is bond yo."

Irv looked downward from his immense height at the old man sitting next to Drakken. That's what it hit him. That jaw line which looked as if it was taken straight from a 1930s Superman comic strip. The piercing glare that could burn through steel walls. He stuck his fist out and gave Irv a fist pound that caused the giant to take notice, the old man's hand was harder then stone.

Though decades of decay had eroded Captain Freedom's visage of manly beauty you still could not recognize his famous face.

Freedom himself decided to end the speculation within Irv's mind. "SON GET BEHIND ME AND LET KING STUD SHOW YOU HOW ITS DONE. I'M TEN FEET TALL AND BULLETPROOF!" The famous declaration of brash egotism traveling straight from the grainy black and white films of junior year history class into the present today with the effect of a lightning shock to Irv's brain.

"Holy fucking shit." Drakken's friend muttered.

"Now kids can we go out and have a good old destructive time? Or are you two going to sit here and masturbate all over my immortal greatness?" Captain Freedom chuckled in his venomous way of speaking. As broken up inside as he was his ego hadn't been bled dry yet. It was a smugness that was deeper then the most yawning trenches of the Pacific Ocean.

"Fuck you Freedom." Drakken said. "We're gonna roll up on Shego's boys."

Irv stepped into the truck, his weight causing his side to sink downward as he got in.

"Rock and roll." Drakken growled, tensing the rippling muscles in his upper torso. He caused the engine to roar it's wrath upon the sky and then he floored it, practically flying across the highway towards the left coast. Drakken and his homeboys roaring across that blasted landscape, stopping only to crack open a gas station every now and then to refuel. They talked animatedly about the war against evil and how they could use it for their own ends.

"Hey." Drakken said. "I got an idea."

"What?" Irv asked.

"After we capture this new weapon of Shego's lets make a rap video about how we're all beads and we're gonna kick ass. Then we can jam satellites and put it on all broadcasts."

"Um, no." Irv said firmly. "My homeboy talk in HELL'S GYM is all to maintain my fearsome rep. I don't like rap all that much in real life."

"No." Freedom said. "That's a good idea. I'm in. I'll just a hair dye first, restore my blonde locks. So I don't look so old in it. Maybe have a plastic surgeon stretch out my face a bit."

"Oh boy." Irv said. "This shit's heading in a Slim Shady direction, I can just feel it."

"Yeah." Drakken said. "It's gonna be cool. After the war if I fail in taking over the world I can always become a rapper."

Irv shook his enormous head in distain. Was this the world's greatest hope against Shego and her devastating forces? If so the world was being gripped by the hands of madness even worse then even Irv had imagined. Oh well, at least Drakken had gained some confidence if he was going to try something as stupid as being a blue rapper.

The truck continued to hurdle towards the west, but Drakken really wished he could use his war Armour. Too bad that Shego's forces were monitoring the skies so closely lately, it would make this trip a great deal faster and easier.

After a long and gritty trip they arrived at the base of a series of hills that had a small cluster of military buildings at the top. A number of the green and black clad super goons were close by. This appeared to be some sort of research facility. Shego already ruled the world but apparently she was taking out some insurance by building a fully technological standing military force. Some new fangled super weapons combined with the regenerative powers of the super goons would create an unbeatable fighting force that would make an overthrow of Shego impossible.

"How the hell do we get in?" Drakken asked. "Oh right, with this." He said picking up a gattling gun loaded up with the venomous bullets used commonly by the Resistance.

"Cold hard steel." Captain Freedom smirked as he felt the huge gun in his wasted hands. "Oh Lawd...it's been way too long since I've had a gun in my hands. It takes me back..."

"No time for a flashback old man." Drakken said. "We need to sneak around until we find the weakest side of the defense. Then we scrap like none of us have ever kicked any ass before and break through the line."

They began to creep their way towards the back of the hills, where their were fewer of Shego's men hanging around then there were on the side of the facility facing the road. They took cover behind some of the numerous rocks that dotted the desert landscape.

"On one...two...THREE!" Drakken yelled.

They sprung out of hiding and began to pump hot poisonous lead into the ranks of the defenders, slaying them without remorse or regret. The goons hit the ground and died.

The trio of invaders ran forward, stopping only to duck behind rocks to avoid the hail of opposing fire leveled upon them. The problem was that the goons were now concentrating their forces on the side of the base that

"Time to regulate on these clowns." Freedom growled with his arrogant determination as he picked up the bazooka looking thing. "Watch and learn kiddies."

"What the hell are you doing?!" Drakken demanded. They were pinned in place by the combined fire of dozens of Shego's men, so many bullets flying that the edges of the rock were being blown off into fragments by the volume of fire.

"Are you sure they have some kind of new weapon here?" Irv asked. "All of these fools are using old school slug throwers, no lasers, no ray guns, no nothing."

That's when a series of green beams blew straight through the rock.

"I think they do." Freedom said. "No matter. SAY HELLO TO MY LITTLE FRIEND!" He laughed raising his rocket launcher and throwing a series of very thick ear muffs to Drakken and Irv before putting them on himself. "Hope you boys don't mind a little bit of noise."

With that Freedom fired the rocket straight into the ranks of the enemy and their was an explosive blast. But the explosion was hardly the main issue. A shockwave of insanely high noise cracked the sky and all of Shego's men were dropped into a whimpering fetal position from a blast of volume so loud that it exploded their eardrums and caused blood to pour from the sides of their heads. The force of the air's vibrations literally lifted Drakken, Irv and Freedom off their feet and into a low orbit in the air before setting them down again with a heavy thud.

Freedom then left position and began to ran up the hill with his disorientated comrades following along with him. Unsurprisingly not one of Shego's henchmen made even the slightest attempt to stop them.

"Haha." Freedom laughed as he removed his ear protection. "Shock and awe bitches." He said looking down at all of the sobbing henchmen with a sadistic grin.

"Who are you know? George Bush?" Drakken asked.

"Fuck Bush. I'm way worse then that little ho bag. Now let's get these ray gun things we came for. Muscle boy, crack open this door. I'd do it, but I'm not in shape for such things."

Irv kicked the doorframe in with a resounding blow from his tree trunk legs.

A number of henchmen were standing around in front of several of the energy weapons.

"ROLLIN UP!" Drakken yelled. "NO DOUBT!"

Drakken and Irv tackled the henchmen with a savage amount of physical force, clearing the way for Freedom to attack the few left in front of the weapons. Drakken began to grapple with the henchmen, overpowering them with his mighty strength and choking them to death brutally. Irv was taking care of business as well, the giant man pummeling them with his huge fists.

"Hey look at the old guy." The henchman standing in front of the weapon stockpile said.

"Don't wet your depends old man." The other laughed.

Their mocking was cut abruptly short from a flying kick that knocked the first henchman into near oblivion. The second suddenly realized the danger posed by Freedom and began to back off a bit.

"Hey geezer, you'd better back off before someone gets hurt here understand?"

"Like you?" Freedom growled.

"GAHHHHH!" The henchman yelled as Captain leveled him with an eight punch combination and several different breeds of Chinese Kung Fu.

Drakken and Irv finished off the main group of henchmen with Drakken punching the last one out harshly.

Drakken turned to face an imaginary audience and did a front bicep flex. "OH YEAH! OH YEAH! WE BAD! CAN'T NOBODY STOP US CAUSE WE'RE BAD BOYS FOR LIFE YO!!!"

"Oh fuck." Irv said bent over the waist exhausted from having smacked his way through ten henchmen. "He really is going to do that rap video isn't he?" The behemoth asked as rivers of sweat dripped from his forehead.

"I can't believe you don't like rap." Drakken said.

"Whatever."

"You don't know much about black people do you Irv?" Drakken joked.

"My God...that is so dumb I can't even begin to start on it." Irv shoke his head.

"No doubt." Freedom added. "Damn these guys sucked. If I had known the henchmen of today were such pansies I wouldn't have even bothered to show up for this."

"Lets just get these laser gun thingies into the truck and bolt." Drakken said.

"You know for someone whose supposed to be a mad scientist you'd think you'd have a better term to describe technology then thingies." Irv said.

"Whatever." Drakken said. "Let's bolt before Shego can send reinforcements to stop us."

They headed out for the truck overwhelmed with the glow of victory. Only one henchmen was still standing, but they hadn't seen him cause he was cowering in a dark corner from the wrath of these freaks who had just come in and smacked around the entire base.

He gave out a distress call. "SOS...SOS...we've been invaded by three super violent freaks. Suspects include a blue guy who kind of looks like Drakken, but is muscled up like Arnold Scwarzennegger in the Terminator movies. And Captain Freedom only old. And Shaquille O Neal only really violent and crazy. I'm scare..."

It wasn't very well received or believed, so reinforcements weren't sent until long after the power trio from Hell had gotten away with their intended loot.

A resounding victory cry echoed over the desert as they headed back to Hell, New Mexico. "DOCTAH DRAKKEN FOOL! WHAT!?"

A/N: Like I said, it's not very long for this story. But I haven't gotten my flow back just yet, though I was starting to feel it by the end of this chapter. Guess whose back? Back again? Devin's back. Tell a friend...