When the Flame turns Blue
I'm sitting watching you, laughing and smiling. I think Jack said something funny, I'm not too sure. I'm not really paying any attention, well not to anything else but you. You look really happy as you look in my direction. I smile at you, I know I'm smiling but I also know my eyes aren't. Maybe they're not smiling with me because inside I'm doubting us.
I know I'm sitting here laughing at Jack with the others. You're smiling too, but only because I look at you. I know you're not really paying that much attention to our surroundings. Want to know how I know? Your eyes are giving you away, they aren't smiling the way they usually do. I know why too, you're doubting us. How do I know? My eyes aren't smiling either because I'm doubting us too.
They all rose from their seats on Dawson's bed. It was amazing that they managed to fit all five of them on to one bed without falling off. Jen and Jack left through the door saying goodbye as they went and still laughing at something Jack had said. Joey followed them off the bed but then went to the window. Pacey followed as he said goodbye Dawson. Joey smiled at Dawson and climbed out the window. She waited at the bottom for Pacey to reach her. She smiled as he climbed down by her side. There was a weird tension between them, mainly because they knew what each other was thinking.
Pacey took a deep breath, "We need to talk."
Joey nodded in reply.
They walked down to the dock and sat at the end. The cool midnight blew through her hair and sent a shiver down both their spines. She pulled her jacket around her tighter. They both knew why they were sitting there; they both knew what they needed to talk about. Yet neither of them were speaking. They'd sat here thousands of times before; usually the times were happier though. Except for one, the night Dawson had found out about them.
"Jo..."
"Don't say it Pace."
"Jo, we both know it needs to be said."
"Why now though? Why not in a couple of months?" She tried to hold back here tears.
"Jo, you know as well as I do things aren't going to last."
She looked away for a moment to blink back her tears before turning to look at him and nodded in agreement.
"I want you to know I love you. But we can't go on. In a few months you're going to be college and I'm going to be sailing somewhere, not knowing where I'm going or going to end. I hate feeling this way Jo, but I know that with us apart I'm going to end up falling out of love with you. I know you feel the same Jo."
She nodded, "I do. And I hate it. I don't want to feel this way Pace."
He pulled her close, "I know. Me neither."
They sat like that for a long time just sitting as the wind blew around them and the moon and stars reflected in the creek. Finally Joey moved away from Pacey's hold on her.
"Erm, I can't sit here with you any more. Good bye Pacey." Again she held back her tears.
"Good bye Joey." She turned and walked slowly away, "Jo..." She turned and their eyes locked, "I love you Potter."
"Love you too Pace."
I sit and watch her walk away from me. It hurts but I know it's for the best. Yes I love her now but I can't see it lasting. It sounds cold hearted. But it's the truth. Maybe once she has settled into college I'll come visit, see how she doing. Maybe even become friends again. At the moment I have to figure out how to get through the next few months without her.
I can't look back. I want to. But something's stopping me. Maybe it's because if I look back there's a chance he'll be watching me and we might chance our minds and decide we should be together, even though we both know it isn't going to last. I don't know what'll happen over the next few months. Will we talk or ignore each other? Maybe he'll leave early. Hopefully he'll come visit me in college. At the moment though it hurts too much to think of life without him.