No Longer That Girl
There are times she regrets being the woman that she is today.
She loves her husband and daughter.
She's content with her current profession.
Only, sometimes she can't help but think of the life she left behind.
Most of the time it's on nights like this.
At events like this.
Always when past and present lives seem to converge on each other.
She sees the unease when she's introduced to certain people.
She still has the same face even if the name is now different. She sees the recognition even if after all this time it is faint. She senses the withdrawal.
She hates that.
But what she hates more is when her eyes lock with his. When she sees the recognition before he turns away. When she has to watch him fawn over what ever up and coming young executive is on his arm that night.
She knows that he is trying to block out the pain. In truth it cuts at her too.
She still blames herself for causing it.Blames herself for not being able to tell hi m the truth.
She misses him.
He was her best friend.
He was her husband for too brief a time.
But she too has found a distraction as her husband introduces her to someone. The look a bit sharper and more questioning then usual.
And it should be.
Her husband's old friend is her former's brother.
Her mind wonders and she can't help but feel slight resentment towards the man she's married to.
He can solve the most complex crimes, yet he never caught the inconsistencies in the stories about her past.
Uncomfortable, she slips seamlessly away. She scans the crowd and acknowledges the nod and silent toast from across the room as she bumps into someone.
Both are from her past.
Both are aware of the secrets she keeps.
Both have kept their distance to protect her and themselves.
She appreciates it even as she hates it.
She misses them.
Sighing, she moves towards a door and hears her older name called. Unable to stop herself she turns to see a face that is both familiar and unfamiliar.
She is unable to do anything but take in the confusion as someone calls her by her current name.
She turns unable to ignore the present any more than she could that momentary pull of the past. Only it's not soon enough to miss the flicker of disappointment in the eyes that were on her.
Plastering on a smile, she lets her husband's partner introduce her to a new benefactor. She tries to push away the recognition she felt.
The realization of the promises she broke.
The realization that she was no better than the woman she temporarily replaced.
She forced herself not to look back.
Tries to block out a past that she can no longer count as hers.
Tries to focus on something other than what ifs and could've/should've been.
She loves her husband and daughter.
She's content with her profession.
But she misses the life that death took away from her.
She misses the woman she used to be.
She's starting to hate the woman that she is.
But it's only occasional.
Mostly on nights like this.
At events like this.
Always when her past and present collide.