A/N: yes it is quite time that i updated, hmm? oh holy shit, i wrote 14 pages! I'm so sorry it's so long! haha! i hope it's worth waiting for a while. And i'm so sorry for what I do in this chapter, but you guys will so understand in part two! which will be coming after 1 or 2 more chapters. thankies for all of the reviews! (cough cough, i have a black hawk down fic, a schindlers list fic, a lotr fic cough cough) enuff with the shamless plugging! ::slaps hand:: bad sarah. anywho: oo, yes, i did use myself as the doctor a few chapters ago, and joel slovinski is acutally a friend of mine, moving on:
Princess Hermione: Yes, the wedding will be next chapter. I promise. and Letty will be having her baby in about 8 months i believe, which will place it around july of 2002. yes yes, i have it all planned out. you guys have no idea.
ElementRacer: Yes yes, i thought it was funny too. i'm glad you guys thought it was funny.
Bookworm1990: fuck fest for all!! ok...anywho. the wedding shall definitely be in the next chapter. meh...i hope. unless i get another idea, pray that i don't. i gotta end this part so i can start part2 and you guys will understand why i'm such a horrible person! but yes, running is good. i love running.
bbysail28: meh. i'm glad you love it. i thought nobody was going to like it but everybody likes it. thankies. and yes, the weddings will be spectacular spectacular! meh...i need to watch moulin rouge.
ok, enuff blabbering, here is chapter 20 (please don't hurt me!):
J stared at the pile of Wedding Magazines in front of her. She was never going to find the right dress. Some of them covered too much skin; others covered not enough. Some styles were perfect but had something missing, others didn't have something missing, but the styles sucked. J sighed and closed another magazine and threw it off to the side. It had been a week since Leon proposed; they had already set a date, April 12, 2002. Six months to go, J thought. She leaned back in her chair and sighed again.
She was sitting in her office, the door closed so she wouldn't be bothered. She had been itching to go running all day, but with only five months to go, there wasn't a moment to lose. She would just go running early in the morning, before anyone was up. Brian wouldn't let anyone in his part of the basement. He had sheets up around it so no one could see what he was doing. Mia told them he was working on wedding presents. Letty just rolled her eyes and walked away. A few days after Leon and J announced that they were engaged, Dom proposed to Letty and Brian proposed to Mia.
It had hit J after that, why they had waited. They wanted Leon and J to be the first couple to get married. Dom and Letty would be getting married on May 16, and Brian and Mia would be getting married on June 6. Leon, Dom, Brian, Jesse, and Vince were at DT working in the garage. Letty was in the living room looking through different wedding magazines, she was also trying to find a wedding dress. Mia was down at the store, working. She, of course, had already picked out her dress, she had the colors she wanted for the reception. All she had left to do was make out the invitations and then mail them in a few months. Mia had been planning her and Brian's wedding ever since she knew he was back.
J turned around in her chair and stared out the window. A family of four had just moved into the house across the street and the two young kids were playing in the front yard. J smiled at the little boy and little girl. They were so precious looking and it made J's heartache for a little one to call her own. But then she remembered what her friend Amy's mom was like when she was giving birth to Amy's little brother. J had been staying the night with Amy when her mom went into labor. J had never seen such pain and heard such loud screams before or after then. J made a vow to never have kids. But it looks like I'm going to have to break that vow, J thought with a smile. She turned back to her desk and picked up another magazine.
She leaned back in her chair and flipped through the magazine. She was half way through the magazine when she fell back because something made a sound and scared her. She quickly stood up and rubbed the back of her head. Dom was standing at the window and smiling. J flipped him off and then pulled her chair back up and picked up her magazine and threw it on the desk. She walked over to the window and pulled it open.
"What the FUCK is your issue Dominic?" J yelled. Dom laughed and shook his head.
"Nothing Jezebeil." J scowled as Dom laughed again. "Have any luck with the dresses?" Dom asked. J sighed.
"No." She said.
"You've been in your office all morning and you still haven't found a dress?" He asked. J nodded.
"Basically. I think I'll be better off just getting one made custom for me. I ain't gonna find my dress in any of those mags." She replied. Dom nodded.
"Alright. Well, Leon wanted me to come and check up on you. How's Let?" Dom asked. J looked over at the door and heard a thump. J looked back at Dom and smiled.
"She's good. She still hasn't found a dress though." J replied. Dom frowned and nodded.
"Aight. Well I better be getting back. See ya at dinner." Dom waved goodbye and headed towards his RX-7. J shut the window and went back to her desk. She sat down and stared at all of the magazines. She was suddenly pissed off. She hated this. She hated looking through half of the magazines and not finding what she wanted. And this was only the beginning. There was still finding a church, finding a place for the reception, invitations, food, flowers, and honeymoon. It was giving her a headache just thinking about it. She partially wished she still talked to her mom so she could have her mom do it all.
The last time she had talked to her mom was when she told her she was in Miami. Before that it had been a year since she had talked to her. She just doesn't get along with her parents. I wonder if Aunt Carla still lives in Oceanside. J shook her head and sighed. It was too much for her. Everything was too much. It hadn't been enough time. She hadn't been able to have enough time for her to work things out. She was always busy. Everybody was always having her do something; they thought that if she was busy that she wouldn't be able to think of what she went through.
But every time she took off her shirt she saw the scars and she remembered. She would remember it anyways; it wasn't something she could just forget. She would never forget what it was like to lie there in pain while Jeff, Lance, Sylvia, and sometimes Ricky would come in and give her hell. The guys would flirt, and Sylvia would sulk and cuss at her. J smiled. I told Sylvia she would get what was coming to her. Too bad it had to be death, she was sort of all right. J leaned back in her chair and shut her eyes. Life was really too hard for her sometimes.
Someone knocked on the door and then opened it. J looked over and saw Letty sticking her head through the door.
"Since we have a similar style, I'm going to guess you haven't found a choice." Letty said seriously. J sat up and thought for a minute, her index finger on her chin.
"Yeah, that would be correct." J said. Letty and J smiled. Letty walked into the room and shut the door behind her. She walked over to the couch and sat down. J spun around in her chair to face her.
"Well, in one of the magazines I found an address for a store that makes custom dresses. So I figured you and I would head over there today or tomorrow and put down an order." She said. J smiled and nodded.
"Sounds good. Now I can finally get rid of my headache...for now." She said. Letty laughed and nodded.
"I feel ya." Letty looked out the window and watched the kids play with a small smile on her lips. J followed her gaze.
"They're cute, aren't they?" J asked. Letty nodded. Her hand unconsciously went to her stomach.
"I can't wait for my own." She looked at J. "Are you and Leon planning on kids?" She asked. J nodded and looked at her.
"Of course. It's something that goes with marriage. I admit; I didn't want kids. I made a vow to not have any kids after I saw my friend's mom have a baby. It looked like too much. But after what I've been through," J took a deep breath and looked back at the kids. "I think I can handle giving birth. Besides, they seem so cute, at least for a few years." J said. Letty laughed and nodded, then she grew quiet and serious.
"Are you ok? I mean, you've like...been going for a run like every fucking morning. I know you J; I know you only when run when you've got shit going on. What's up?" Letty asked. J sighed.
"You guys are treating me like a porcelain doll again. I can't take it. Dom and Leon make me do something every minute of the fucking day. It's like they don't want me to think about it. But they need to realize that every fucking time I take of my shirt," J pulled her sweatshirt off and revealed her black AFI Spaghetti strap shirt. It left all of her scars on her arms showing. "I see these scars and I remember. It's always in my brain, no matter what I do. I can't ignore it anymore. I just can't pretend like it never happened. Every time Leon touches me or calls me baby or darling, I remember what it was like. It gets old really, Dom telling me what to do. Leon telling me what to do. Almost makes me want to leave again." J sighed and looked out the window.
"We can't help it. Nobody knows what to do. We don't know what to say. We just don't know anymore. You're not the same person you were. You've changed. Ever since you came back from Miami things have been different." Letty said. J laughed hoarsely. Letty stared at her, confused. Why would she be laughing about this? What could be possibly be funny? She thought as she stared at J. She really has changed.
"Everybody changes Let. I needed to think about what I was going to do. How I could ever look Leon or Dom in the face after lying to them. Jesus!" J turned and looked at Letty. J's brown eyes were clouded with anger. She was angry, sad, but mostly confused. "You know what the difference is between Rome and Leon?" J asked. Letty shook her head. "Rome never cheated on me. Yeah, we were together for about a month and a half, but during that month and a half, he gave our relationship everything. They treated me like a person, not a goddamn doll! They weren't afraid of me breaking, they knew I was strong and they barely fucking knew me! But I come back and nobody wants to yell at me. Everybody has to be careful with me or I might fucking break!" J yelled. Letty sat dumbfounded as J stood up and slipped her sweatshirt on. "But guess what?" She said. "I'm already broken." J said simply. "I broke when Lance shot me. I broke when Sylvia came into the picture. I broke into a thousand little pieces and I'll never be the same again." She said with tears in her eyes.
"But J, everything's going to be ok now-" Letty started to say as she stood up.
"No. Everything's not going to be ok until you guys learn to open your mouths and say something. If you guys fucking expect me to be the same as I was before..." J grabbed her keys from her desk and turned back to Letty. "Then you guys are fucking dreaming." With that she turned and left the house. Letty stood in the office and watched J jog down the sidewalk to the drive way and get into her car then speed off.
Letty sat back on the couch and just stared out the window. She didn't move, she barely breathed, she just sat and thought about what J said. She was right, they were treating her like she was a porcelain doll that was going to break. They all had. Dom and Leon the most. That's what hurt her. Leon proposed to her and still treated her like she was five. Young, new and inexperienced to life. J loved Leon and couldn't stand to be away from him, but Letty knew that J needed time. And no matter what, she was going to get it.
Letty was still sitting in the same spot on the couch when Mia came home. She came in through the garage door, a large smile on her face. She was glad that they had J back for good and that everything was fine. She didn't find it odd that J's car was gone. Mia looked at her watch. 5:34. Her and Let probably went dress shopping, she thought as she sat her purse next to the breadbox on the counter. She walked over to the fridge and opened it and started pulling out food to make for dinner. She was preparing the sauce for the spaghetti when she heard the front door open and then close.
"Damn Mia! Why do you keep taking the fucking garage space?" Vince yelled from the door. Mia smiled and turned around. Vince was standing in front of the front door, staring into the office.
"I'm home before you, therefore I get the garage. Letty hardly uses her car anymore; tell her to put it to the side. Mr. Garrison said he doesn't mind." Mia said. Vince ignored her. He walked to the office door and said something. Mia pursed her lips together. What's with him? Who the hell is he talking to? Mia rolled her eyes and went back to making the sauce. She heard a loud thump and she dropped her spoon from surprise. The red sauce that was on the spoon went all over the clean, white floor by her foot.
"FUCK." Mia cursed. She bent to pick up the spoon.
"WHAT DO YOU FUCKING MEAN LETTY?" Vince yelled. Mia put the spoon on the top to the pot and looked back at Vince. So Letty is home, Mia thought. "I can't believe this." Vince said as he moved through the hallway angrily. Mia watched as Letty followed him. Mia smiled at Letty.
"Hey Let, I didn't know you were home." Mia said. Letty gave Mia a small smile and then stared at Vince as he picked up the cordless phone and dialed J's cell phone number. "Yeah, thanks guys. I had a great day at the store. And yes, I will be making dinner tonight and it's spaghetti." Mia said sarcastically as she turned back to the sauce. "You guys are so fucking gracious." Mia muttered as she wiped the sauce from the floor. Letty frowned. Two people she made mad in one day.
"Where are you hun?" Vince said. Letty looked at him. "Please come home. No, we'll talk it out. I know you won't. Don't be like that. Well, if Leon was home he'd be calling you but you have to put up with me butt face. Oh, oh, shit head huh? Oh I see toe fucker. HAHA! I got yea huh? Yeah? So you coming? Mia's making her spaghetti. Yes she is. Are you calling me a liar? Bell! Geez, nice to know you trust me." Vince laughed. Letty stared in shock at him. He was just as bad as the others with her, but yet he knew exactly how to melt and be a trust worthy sort of guy with her. It amazed Letty. But Letty also smiled at the name Vince uses with J. Bell. Ever since she came home from the hospital Vince knew she was a different person in some ways, and so he started with calling her Bell. It was frustrating Letty that Vince could just call her up and talk sweetly and she'd come at his beck and call. She should be doing that with Leon, not with Vince. Letty turned and sat down at the island, watching Mia.
"I'm sorry Mia." Letty said quietly. Mia took the sauce off the burner and turned it off then turned to Letty.
"It's ok." Mia said, sitting on the opposite side.
"It's been a long day and...I've screwed shit up." Letty said, dropping her head. Mia stared at her with concern then pieced it together. Letty was here, J was gone; Vince called J looking for her. Mia frowned. But she didn't start with the questions.
"It's been a long 5 months, Let. Don't worry. A good, healthy talk will do us all wonders. Now, wanna help me with the 'getti or what?" Mia asked, smiling. Letty lifted her head and nodded.
"Sure. I haven't eaten all day. I'm sure I've already starved my precious embryo to death." Letty said as she and Mia stood up and went to the stove. Mia laughed.
"Ok, Bell, you'll be here? Promise? Yeah, I know. I'm a big softy on this inside. Alright, hurry up. See ya." Vince said and hung up the phone. He sighed and turned to look at Letty. She was helping Mia with food. Vince shook his head and went into the living room. He pushed over Letty's Wedding Magazines and sat on the couch. He needed to think before J, Leon, Dom, and Jesse got home. He knew shit was going to hit the fan whenever J got home and they sat down to have a family talk.
Jesse pulled in next to Vince's car, leaving Dom and Leon on the street. Leon frowned as he stepped out of his car. J's car wasn't there. He shrugged and followed Dom and Jesse into the house. As Leon stepped into the house he was greeted by a house. A family. There was the smell of food all over the house. Letty and Mia were making dinner. Vince was in the living room watching hockey. Leon smirked. J will be proud of him, Leon thought. Jesse immediately went over to the other couch and started watching it too. Leon looked in the office. J's desk was covered in magazines. Leon walked into the kitchen behind Dom and sat at the island as Dom got two coronas out of the fridge. Letty turned around and put the plate of garlic bread on the other end of the island, away from the stools. Dom sat across from Leon.
"Where's J?" Leon asked. Letty sat the plate down and it clattered. She forced a smile and shrugged.
"Out. She left before lunch. Hasn't been back. She probably just went to look at dresses. These magazines are no help. I mean honestly, the way me and J dress, it's no wonder we can't find any dresses that we like." Letty rambled on and on about J. Mia turned around and put a hand on Letty's arm. She stopped talking.
"Lett, stop. Breathe. Settle down. Put the bread and the spaghetti on the table. I'll get the sauce." Mia said calmly. Letty nodded and moved to put the bread on the table. Dom and Leon stared after her with confusion in their eyes. They looked at Mia. Mia shrugged. "Long day." She smiled sweetly and moved to put the bowl of spaghetti on the table.
They were all sitting down to eat when the patio door opened and J walked through. She shut the door behind her and tossed her keys on the island. She fixer her sweatshirt and pulled her wallet out of the front pocket, putting it on the island. She walked over to the table and sat down in-between Leon and Vince.
"Where you been?" Dom asked. J looked up at him and shrugged.
"Around. Trying to find a dress. You know, I am getting married." J said sarcastically. Dom rolled his eyes.
"Who isn't?" Dom replied. Vince and Jesse raised their hands.
"We aren't." Jesse said, smirking. Dom glared at him and rolled his eyes again.
"Lett, I found a store that has some dresses that I like so I thought you'd want to go and check thems out tomorrow?" J said as she put a spoonful of spaghetti on her plate. Letty looked up at her wither tears in her eyes. Everyone stared at her strangely.
"I'd love to. I'm sorry." Letty stood up and ran from the table as she burst into tears. Dom stood up to follow her up to their room, but J stood up.
"Nope, Dom, this is definitely something I gotta do. Trust me." J said. She walked through the living room and up the stairs. She stood in front of Letty and Dom's room and knocked on the door.
"Let? Can I come in?" J said.
"Yeah." Letty replied. J rolled her eyes. So much for making an effort, J thought. She opened the door and stepped inside Letty's room. It was definitely different than J and Leon's room. The floor was a beige carpet with deep red paint on the walls. They had pictures on the walls. Pictures of them and their cars. Pictures of them with J and Vince when they were 14, well Letty was 11. Those were good times, J thought. She sat next to Letty on her bed. She was surprised it was comfortable and didn't squeak.
"Wow. Nice bed." J said. Letty snorted. J looked at her. Letty and J laughed.
"Oh wow. That was so not cool." Letty said. J looked at Letty.
"I'm sorry about earlier. I shouldn't have yelled at you." J apologized. Letty looked at her and shook her head.
"No, it was my fault. We've treated you so wrong. Look J, I just want to know something. What kind of relationship do you and Vince have together?" Letty asked. J's jaw dropped.
"Letty, what are you asking?" J asked.
"Exactly what I said. When Vince called you he seemed a little too...nice. You know?" Letty replied. J stared at her in shock.
"I cannot believe you're asking me that. You know V and me are just friends. I love Leon. Sure, V and me are close, but he's family. He's one of those guys who can make me laugh. I would think you of all people would know that Let." J said. She stood up and walked out of the room, slamming the door behind her. Letty stared at the door. She couldn't believe how J had acted. It was a simple question, she thought as she dried the tears. If it wasn't that big of a deal, she shouldn't have acted like that.
J trudged down the stairs and walked past the team sitting at the table. She didn't bother to grab her keys; she was just going for a run.
"Yo J, where you going?" Dom asked as J moved towards the door. She slid the door open and then looked back at them.
"For a run." She said snottily. Dom put his drink down.
"It's dinnertime." Dom said. His tone meant end of discussion but J didn't care.
"No, I'm not hungry. Or maybe that's not it. Maybe you don't want me to be alone, hmm? Fancy a run Dom?" J said, smirking. Letty walked down the stairs and through the living room.
"What is your issue Jez?" Dom asked; he was starting to get annoyed.
"Oh! I know! How bout you send Vince with me, eh? I'll be back." J said. She turned and walked out onto the porch, shutting the door behind her. Everybody looked at Letty as she sat down.
"What's her problem?" Dom asked Letty.
"It's my fault. I asked her what sort of relationship with Vince she has and she got all pissed at me." Letty said irritably. She poked her fork at the spaghetti. She suddenly didn't feel like eating. Leon pushed away from the table suddenly and left through the backdoor.
"Well. I would say let's have our family discussion now, but the two key people are gone." Letty said. Dom looked at her.
"What?" He asked. Letty sighed.
"Me and J had an argument earlier. We were supposed to talk nicely about it, but it seems I've gone and made everything worse." Letty replied. Dom grunted and went back to eating his spaghetti.
J ran through the words, not running as in trying to stay in shape or to clear her head, but as in running like she was running from something. She was angry, confused, but upset most of all. She took a right down a path instead of going straight to the school. She jumped over a fallen tree trunk and just barely caught her footing before tripping. She kept running and shortly came to a short cliff and leapt off it. She hit the ground hard and rolled, coming face to face with a fence that surrounded the football/soccer field at the middle school. The football team was having practice. She sat there, one knee on the ground, her right arm on the other, staring at the field as she breathed in and out heavily.
She sat like that until her breathing slowed down. She started to stand up as she heard footsteps behind her. She stood up and stared out at the field, she had a feeling of who it was and now she was going to take a guess.
"Sometimes, when I go for a run, I wish I had never left Miami." J said. Leon jumped down the ledge and walked over to her.
"Why do you wish that?" Leon asked, a little hurt. J kept her composure. If he's hurt now, just wait, she thought.
"Because I've seemed to have caused a lot of shit. And it's only going to get worse." She said.
"It's not your fault." He said, trying to put an arm around her. She moved away from his grip. She still wouldn't look at him.
"No, it is. I left because Jeff was here. I came back because Brian convinced me. Jeff and Lance kidnapped me and beat me. Everything just got screwed up because of me." J said. She turned and started walking towards the school. Leon followed her.
"That doesn't mean we hate you or resent you or love you any less." Leon said.
"You should. You know what was different with the team in Miami?" J asked. Leon inwardly groaned. He was happy that she was back; he didn't want to keep being reminded of the Miami team.
"No what?" Leon said a little harshly. J stopped and stared at Leon.
"They didn't do that, they didn't get all pissed when I would talk about ya'll. They wanted to hear about the races up here and about the garage and all of ya'll. And they didn't treat me like I was going to break. They knew of everything that went on but they still treated me like I was a normal 24-year-old woman. And that is what I am. I may not be the same as I was before but you try going through what I went through and then tell me you're still the same person. Aight?" She snapped. Leon stared after her as she turned and kept walking. He was stunned for a minute but then followed her.
"I didn't know you felt like that. I'm sorry." He said when he had caught up to her.
"Sorry ain't going to work anymore Leon. You guys have got to do something about it. It's all of you. Even Mia. I can't live like this. I can't be made to do something every goddamn minute of the day. I want a life." J explained. Leon just nodded. He felt there was more that she had to tell him, and there was.
"Ok. We'll change, just don't leave." Leon pleaded. J stopped; they were at the school. She turned to look at him.
"You think I would leave again? As much as I want to, that wouldn't help anything. No, but...something's going to change. And I know you ain't going to like it." J sighed and turned and headed back towards the house. Leon followed her.
"So tell me what it is. Don't leave me out in the cold like this J." Leon said. She kept walking so he ran in front of her and stood in front of her. She started to go around him but he grabbed her arms and held her in front of him. "Tell me." He said.
"I can't marry you." She said quietly. Leon let go of her arms in surprise and she took off towards the house.
"Shit." Leon said. He turned around and started chasing her, but she was un-doubtly faster than him. She ran through the backyard and straight into the door. Shit, she cursed herself as she tried to open the door. It was locked. She pounded on the door and turned around. Leon was almost out of the woods. She turned back around and saw Brian coming out from behind the sheets. He walked over and opened the door. J pushed through the door and shut it. She locked it as Leon came running across the backyard. She stepped back as Leon pounded on the door.
"Open the door J!" Leon yelled. J shook her head and stepped back further. Brian stared at J.
"What's wrong?" He asked. J looked at him, tears in her eyes, her cheeks were red from running.
"I can't talk to him right now." She said. She turned and ran around the stairs and then up the stairs. She tripped on the top stair and fell into the kitchen. She shut the door with her foot and lied there on her stomach. The rest of the team had been watching a movie in the living room. They all came running into the kitchen as J landed with a thud on the floor. She stared up at them.
"Jesus! Are you ok Jez?" Dom asked as he helped her up. J shook her head and buried it in Dom's chest. He protectively wrapped his arms around her. "What's wrong J? What happened?" Dom asked gently.
"I can't-I can't." J sobbed in his chest. "I can't do it." She said. Dom pulled her away and wiped her tears away.
"Can't do what?" He asked. Her teary eyes looked at Dom, then Letty, then Mia, then Jesse, and finally land on Vince.
"I can't marry Leon." She tore her eyes from Vince and looked at Dom. He looks so confused, she thought. I've ruined everything; I know it. Everybody's going to be mad at me, but I can't run again. No more running. J knew things were about to get so much more complicated and she had one person to blame. Herself. She had harbored her true feelings for over 10 years. She had grown up with the one guy she wanted to spend her life with. She had ignored the jealousy that washed over here every time he flirted with other girls. And then Leon came. J loved him, that much was true, but her feelings for him would never replace the ones she had for the other guy. She didn't know what she was thinking when she told Leon she would marry him. Maybe a part of her thought she could really love Leon more once they were married, but with the way he was treating her, it wouldn't work longer than a year. I should save him the trouble now, instead of later, J thought.
With all of her thinking she hadn't realized that Dom had pulled her towards him again. She buried her face in his chest and cried again. She had to let it all out now. She had to cry all she was going to cry. There would be no more crying for her. She knew she owed the team an explanation and they would get it, but not now.
J pulled away as she heard the glass door open. She stood up and saw Leon coming into the house. She turned with a yelp and ran down the hallway and then up the stairs. She ran down the hallway and into her room, slamming and locking the door behind her. She calmly walked over to the window and stared out. Her car was behind Leon's. The yellow and blue going together perfectly.
J scowled and moved away from the window. She stood in the middle of the room and looked around. Too many memories. The bed. She'd have to get a new bed. She couldn't possibly sleep and make love in the same bed that she once did with him. She walked over to her bed and pulled the pillows off the bed, then the sheets, until nothing but the mattresses were on the bed frame. She walked over to the window and opened it. The she started throwing the pillows and the bed sheets out. When she was done she shut the window and sat down. What am I doing, she thought as she put her head in her hands. I gotta keep control. I can't let my life get out of whack.
She looked at the closed and locked door as someone knocked.
"Who is it?" J called out hoarsely.
"It's Dom. Can I come in?" He asked. J sighed and walked over to the door. She unlocked it and let him in. She shut the door behind him and locked it again. She watched him as he looked at her bed in disbelief.
"I take it you and Leon are through." Dom said.
"Yeah." J said quietly. Dom sat on the uncovered bed and stared at the window.
"So what brought it on?" Dom asked. J sighed and pushed away from the door. She walked over to the window and looked out as the sunset. J chuckled.
"Everything, I guess. I mean, I love Leon; that much is true. But there was always something blocking us. I thought it was me not telling him about being raped, but even after I told him something was missing. There was always that one thing that I could never really be happy about. I thought if I left for a while, maybe things would be different when I came back, but they were worse." She turned around and sat down on the window seat. She stared at Dom across the room and he stared at her. She smiled a bit and went on explaining.
"I love Rome too, but there was still something missing. When I was in the hospital, lying there, wondering if I was going to die or not, I realized what it was. I don't know what posed me to keep living the lie I was living, but I did. I don't know why I told Leon I would marry him, but I did. I think a part of me thought if we were married than things would be better, but they weren't. I have to stop it now, because if I don't, I know I'll only cause Leon that much more pain. If I stop it now he can go on and find someone else. I can't live a lie anymore, I have to talk." J said. She frowned and looked down at her hands.
"So what lie are you living? What's missing?" Dom asked. J looked up at him.
"Someone I met when I was 14. He taught me the basic points of fighting and how to hold my own. I've loved him since I met him, but I had to ignore the pain I felt while he flirted with other girls. I've known him for ten years, Dom and the whole time he's been the light of my life. He never knew how I felt though, but when I was in the hospital and he would come in, I realized that he was what was missing. He was everything I've ever wanted, even if he is a bit on the grungy stupid side." J said with a laugh. Dom was confused. He thought it was him at first, he had known her since she was 14, he had taught her some of the finer points of fighting and how to hold her own. But the grungy stupid part wasn't him. But there was only one other person.
"Vince?" Dom choked out, surprised as hell. Please don't let her say yes; please don't let her say yes. Dom was pleading in his head. He loved Vince like a brother, but he wasn't sure Vince and J was right for each other.
"Unfortunately yes. I don't know what it is. It's crazy. God no. I can't do this." J stood up. "Vince doesn't like me like that, I know it. He's been after Mia. So you know what, I'm not. I'm not going to say anything. Me and Lee, we'll talk it out. Make some sacrifices, you know?" J was rambling on. "I mean; that wasn't the only thing that made me stray away and have these thoughts. You guys treat me too much like a damned five year old. All of you." J said. Now Dom was more confused than ever.
"What? What do you mean?" Dom asked, standing up.
"You guys make sure I'm busy every damn minute of the day. It's always 'wake up Jez, brush your teeth Jez, look through these magazines Jez, go make lunch Jez, work on this car Jez'. Blah Blah Blah. It's fucked and you know it." J said. Dom just stared at her. "Don't act stupid Dom. You know you guys just don't want me thinking of what happened. But guess what?" She said. Dom stared at her.
"What?" He asked. She took off her sweatshirt. Dom stared at her arms. Nobody had seen the gunshot wound except for Leon, for obvious reason. She had kept it pretty much covered up. She wasn't like Vince and Jesse who were comfortable with their scars. She threw her sweatshirt in the laundry basket and glared at Dom.
"I get to see this every time I change my clothes Dom. It's not something I can just ignore. These scars are here all the fucking time and you wanna know what they make me remember? They make me remember that everything good that I've done has meant nothing. That inside I'm just a shitty ass person who deserved what I got. And I am perfectly fine with that. I don't need people to feel sorry for me, especially you guys. You're my family. I don't need pity, I need closure." J said. Dom nodded.
"But you can't get it." Dom finished for her. J nodded.
"Yeah Dom, get it now? I've got to put an end to the nightmares. They are in jail and will be for at least ten years. I'd like to have a normal life Dom. I need space for a while, not complete ignore me space, but don't run my life, sort of space. Ya know?" She said. Dom nodded and sat back on her bed.
"I get it. But why didn't you say something? I mean, you have a voice, use it." Dom replied. J stared at him.
"I know, I guess I figured you guys wouldn't listen. I mean; I went through this with Leon. I told him I'm not a porcelain doll, everybody breaks sometime, you know? But as I told Letty, I'm already broken. I broke when Lance shot me. I broke when Sylvia came into the picture. I broke into a thousand little pieces and I'll never be the same again. You guys just don't seem to understand that." J said sadly as she sat next to Dom. Dom looked at her. She looked so fragile, sad, scared, and confused. No, she's not fragile. I can't keep thinking of her like that, Dom told himself. She's 24 and she's a strong woman.
"We understand that, but it's still hard for us. We keep seeing you as the girl lying in the bed, hooked up to all those machines. We don't want that to happen again. You just got to give us time." Dom said. J looked at him.
"Whatever. Just...we all got to make sacrifices, I guess. I just. I'm tired." J fell back on the bed and Dom stared at her. He put his hand on her forehead. She was burning up.
"You feel ok, Jez?" Dom asked. J shook her head.
"Not really. I just want to sleep." She told him tiredly. Dom stood up and picked her up in his arms, then positioned her in the bed so her head was at the top. He left her room and walked to the hall closet. He pulled out a single sheet and pillows as Leon came up the stairs. Leon walked over to Dom.
"How'd it go?" Leon asked. Dom closed the closet and looked at him.
"She's got a fever, so just let her sleep for a while. She also said that she does want to marry you." Dom choked out. He wasn't exactly lying to Leon; he was just holding other valuable information that J told him not to tell. So he wasn't. At least not now. Besides, they're marriage could work out. They're great together. Dom thought. He handed the sheet and pillows to Leon and walked away. Leon walked into the room and put the pillow under her head then pulled the sheet over her.
He laid down on the bed next to her and stared at her face while she slept. She looked so beautiful and peaceful while she slept. But something was still bothering him. Why would she tell him that she didn't want to marry him and then have Dom tell him she still did? But Leon couldn't be worried about that. He had to make sure J was happy so she wouldn't leave again or call of the engagement. He had her and never wanted to let her go.