12 Idiots, a Ticket, and a Can of Raviolis by thedarksquiggle
Chapter 3: The Nobody Likes Me Club
A/N: =======
I have been scarred for life by reading yaoi... /the author rocking back and forth with a blanket over her head sobbing hysterically and muttering about strange things/ I vow to read authors notes and check the ratings of every story I read. I vow to hide from scary people. I vow to say that I do not own Harry Potter. I vow..... thinks remembersNO!!! NEVER AGAIN!! AAAAARGH!! MY EYES NO! BAD STORIES BAD STORIES!!!! BAD IMAGES BAD IMAGES! THEY'RE STRAIGHT I TELL YOU!!! AHHH!!!! gets carried away in a stretcher
Oh yes, everyone is completely crazed and out of character, except Lupin... I always knew he took medication....
One is the loneliest number..... and it seems I only have one reviewer... for shame... for shame... oh well, I better go back to listening to Killing Me Softly in Spanish....
Liz: God bless your soul child! You are my one and only reviewer for Ch.2 T.T bursts into tears and starts throwing vasesI'M SORRY WORLD!!! I HAVE POLLUTED FF.NET WITH MY HORRIBLE STORIES AIYYYYYYYYEEEEEEEEEEEE!!!!!!!! ahemYes, thank you for reviewing.
Wah?! reads reviews More people have read my story in the last 24 hours! Whhhhoooo hooooo!
Kyo-kyo89: I know where you live.....
The Ghost Pirate King:Take some sugar pills to keep the thinker working! (Actually don't, the side effects of doing so will be visible in this chapter)
Jen Riddle: Out of characteryness should be considered a force not to be reckoned with! Yay a supporter of my theories! We can take over the world MUAHAHAHA!!! gets hit by other people who have already claimed that job Ahem. Well, I want Antarctica.
NatsuRuby: I really need a lawyer... restraining order necessary looks out bushes and finds Natalie sitting outside in a safari hat with a tent standing next to a camp fire Point proven.
Animerockstar: I have a strong inkling that you are someone I know... ah well don't worry your precious Harry won't get killed off-- yet.
Story ========
For today's episode we're going to be following Snape around until we get bored because... everyone else... is.. having... er... difficulties flashes to a scene of Harry throwing beaver hats at random people, Ron with a bullet hole (two actually) in his head, McGonagall going sniper on the pilot with her rifle, Dumbledore eating lemon drops, and Lupin running in circles, while Hermione discusses marriage plans with her new found love, Mr. Dementor. (On the wing of the plane, you can still see a small house elf hanging on for his life as it comes to a stop, yelling things like "Dobby does not like heights, Sir." "Dobby is quite dead, Sir." and "Dobby would like a tea cozy, Sir.").
Snape was sitting on his lawn chair looking out at the beautiful sunrise form the oceanfront view of his hotel. He'd recently acquired eleven million dollars because he canceled everybody else's reservations at the hotel to piss them off (except Dumbledore because NOBODY can kick out Dumbledore, but he was just as likely to get lost and not find the hotel anyways). He explained to the Hotel owner that they were unable to make it and had allowed him to use their money in their stead. The liar.
Anyways, he decided today would be a good day to do something FUN! So he went shopping (joy) for weapons of mass destruction to get rid of Potter when no one was looking. Then, he decided to buy a fur hat and a babushka (it IS a real word I tell you) as well as one of those funky old peoples Hawaii shirts too. Then, he had escargot for lunch. Why? Because he can. Then, he went to the beach, but after he remembered that the SUN was his ENEMY, he left to go cry in a dark hole. Back to the amazing-not-landing-yet-plane-filled-with-the-mentally-scarred. Miraculously, Ron came back to life (again) thanks to the magical powers that come with being an author. Since he was the only one left on the plane with a brain (yes those bullet holes there got healed too), he did the only thing he could do.
Ron: I'd like to make a collect call... whips out his magical wizard cell phone(A/N what type of moron would make a collect call on a cell phone?)
Peg-leg Sam: WEAPONS ON THE PLANE! WEAPONS ON THE PLANE! TAKE A BULLET FOR THE PREZ!!! slow motion dive in front of Harry Potter
Peg-leg Sam: False alarm. Goes back to cockpit
Ron: Strange... O.o
=============In the mean time....
Lupin: THE SPIDERS!!! THEY'RE EVERYWHERE!!! CAN'T YOU SEE THEM!? points at empty space where a tiny winy baby spider sits
Ron: ... HOLY BROOMSTICK WE'RE ALL GONNA DIE!!!!
Lupin: KILL IT! KILL IT!
Ron: HARRY KILL IT!
Harry: I'M TIRED OF BEING EVERYONE'S PUPPET, I'M THE BOY WHO LIVED! BOW DOWN AND FEAR ME! picks up spider and throws it at Ron
Ron: EEEEEEKKKKKK!!! /runs around screaming and crashes into Lupin, who is also screaming, who runs into Harry, who is cursing, into Dumbledore, who is eating, and McGonagall who was shooting, (Hermione and her one true love were safe though)...
Ron: IT BIT ME!!! I'M GONNA DIE!! Doctooooooooorrrrrrrrrrrrrrrrr........... falls over twitching
At this point Lupin started chasing his invisible tail again. Yes, they sure look doomed don't they? Then, there was a loud thunderclap and twilight zone music blared very loudly from some invisible speakers. Nobody noticed. That is, until Hatori randomly appeared out of nowhere on a magic carpet. Poor Hatori was very upset because The Twilight Zone Voice Over Man had interrupted his lunch break. Well, life ain't fair. He instantly recognized the symptoms because of his magical doctor abilities and grabbed the Ritalin bottle from before.
Hatori: Aha! tears off label to reveal big letters reading: SUGAR PILLS Case closed. I'm going to go finish my sandwich now. waits for big-announcer-dude to twilight-zone-him back homechecks watch too late break's over... I need a vacation anyways...
Pegleg Sam: STOW AWAY!!! STOW AWAY!!! OFF WITH HIS HEAD!! pushes button with a picture of a dead seahorse on itAkito pops out of luggage compartment and starts throwing vasestakes carpet
Needless to say, (I like that phrase) Hatori jumped out the window James Bond style and hit Dobby and they both fell towards the deep blue waters many miles below. Then, he used his magical poofing powers to turned into a seahorse with a parachute that said : FISH ARE FRIENDS, NOT FOOD. Dobby kept falling.
Well, the plane finally landed, although it was minus two of its former occupants (three actually, they used smoke bombs to drive Akito out of the luggage compartment and then threw him out the window) and everyone was happy (except Lupin, because after he recovered from his sugar high he was informed that nobody likes him because nobody likes werewolves). That is, they WERE happy until they found out about they're missing cash. There was no doubt about it that when Snape was carried off in a stretcher that night that there were ten suspicious people behind the crime, but nobody likes Snape so no one cared. Lupin decided he and Snape should start the Nobody Likes Me Club: A Group of Miserable Anti-Socialists, but mysteriously when he gave him the flyer, many bad words came flying at him.
Lupin: Will you be my friend?
Snape: No.
Lupin: Will you join my club?
Snape: No, I hate you.
Lupin: B-b-because I-I-I'm a we-e-e-rewolf. sobbing very hard
Snape: No.
Lupin: Really?
Snape: No, I hate you. Go die.
With that Lupin ran off to some far away palm tree and died (he stole one of the IV cords from he hospital and hung himself). He was having a very bad day, it seemed, but he wasn't the only one. After many electro-shock therapy sessions in two hours, Ron was feeling pretty crappy. Electricity kept flying of his hair and hitting random innocent people. Poor Ron. Everyone else was sleeping in cardboard boxes because they were broke! Harry got the biggest box of course because nobody wanted to get in a fight with the mentally disturbed child. Dumbledore got one from the lemon drop factory and everyone else's were from Stater Bros. So ends a traumatic first day of vacation...
===========NEXT TIME
The beach
The Tiki clan
The Jehovah's witnesses
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a/n: No seahorses were harmed in the making of this film. I don't own Fruits Basket (sadly) either. I do own a seahorse plushie though. It talks to me, just like my Shamu and my woofie. I named him Fruity Seahorse because he is fruity colored.
Review time folks!