Journal of Minerva McGonagall
Week # 4
Well this has certainly been a week of ups and downs. The students, for the most part, have been behaving themselves. I have only had minor disciplinary problems but nothing along the lines of what it was like last year. And the first years have adapted well, considering that it is the first time in such a setting for the muggle borns. Yes, my little cubs will make me proud this year. I feel it!
On one of my nightly rounds, I stumbled across several sets of snogging students. I don't know which was more upsetting…finding them or them being found. Let us just say that I am very glad it was dark because the color of my cheeks would have done Gryffindor House proud. It's not like I haven't experienced those hormones but there is an appropriate time and place for everything. And at that young age, I can assure you it is not in a darkened corridor or outside of the school after hours. Appropriate punishments were assigned and served, I am sure that our offenders will be more creative in their hideaways next time. That thought alone should keep me up for days on end.
Once again, Severus had started his yearly taunts regarding the House and Quidditch cups. I can only hope that the students in the other houses, especially my own, do their very best to win this year. I would be thrilled to celebrate with my Gryffindors but would gladly shout victory chants with any house other than Slytherin. If Severus were a more gracious winner, my outlook might be different. However, a leopard doesn't change his spots.
The meeting with the staff and Albus went well. Or at least I thought it did. Several of my colleagues have given ideas for their educational projects. Although I have no idea how Sybil can ask us to believe the nonsense she was spouting! I am pleased to say that my project is almost complete. I have to polish it up a bit before it is ready to send to the transfiguration journals, which have been badgering me for this paper since I started. I never realized how interested the wizarding world would be to learn how life is altered once one becomes an animagus. I had intended to give Albus a framed copy or at least a special bound one since it was his encouragement and assistance that gave me the guidance needed for my successful transformation. Unfortunately, I am not sure that it will mean anything to him at all now.
I suppose I should explain. And who knows, getting this off my chest might do me some good. A few days after our staff meeting, Albus asked me to join him for a chess match because he had something he wished to discuss with me. Silly me assumed that he wanted to discuss our dinner the other evening but that was my first mistake! I hoped that it might have actually meant something. I suppose I was wrong!
Before we even started our chess game, Albus began the conversation by referencing the discussion we had weeks before the students started about my increased responsibilities. He reiterated the point that he has complete trust in my abilities, which I must say made me feel appreciated. Then he asked about my plans for the upcoming weekend. Like a self-centered child, I naturally jumped to the conclusion that he wanted to make plans together. Luckily, when I answered that I had no plans made at the moment, he swooped in and completely destroyed any lingering thoughts I had about a future outing.
Our popular and attractive Headmaster has been invited to lunch in Hogsmeade with the representative from the journal company, Ms. Orchid. I have seen the way she looks at him and I assure you that this little luncheon is not of the professional variety. I believe that if given half a chance, she would love to explore other options, of a more personal nature, with Albus. I was foolish to get my hopes up and believe that he might actually feel something special for me. After all, we've known each other for years and he's never shown any romantic interest in me at all. But the quiet dinner we shared last week was so different from the others in the past and I had almost convinced myself that we might be leading towards something wonderful.
Anyway, back to the real issue. The reason Albus told me his plans was because he thought I should know in case of an emergency at Hogwarts. I have to wonder, though, if he would have given it a second thought if he truly knew how I feel about him. Unfortunately, I let my emotions get the better of me. I am hurt to think that he might choose another woman over me, even though I am not the raving beauty of my youth and I am afraid that I was a bit chilly with him. I have tried to avoid him as much as possible, citing my research and classes as my excuses. I must find something to occupy my time on Saturday. After all, he is a grown man and can make up his own mind when it comes to relations with the opposite sex. But I do so wish it had been me dining alone with him in Hogsmeade.
The sad part about all of this is that I have never told him how I feel. I assumed that he could sense it. After all, he seems to read my mind on occasions and I admit that my thoughts and feelings are hard for even me to discern sometimes. But one thing I have realized is that I am capable of giving my heart to none but him. And if that is never meant to happen, then I suppose I shall keep it to myself and love him from a distance.