Journal of Minerva McGonagall
Week # 5
I am in no mood to write in this infernal journal this week but I must, so that Albus' precious ideas don't go up in smoke! I am so upset with him and I have made no attempts to hide my displeasure this week. It has not been pleasant at Hogwarts for either of us!
My last entry mentioned the little chat we had about an upcoming luncheon Albus was to share with Ms. Orchid. I had hoped that after my coolness towards him and the obvious attempts I made to avoid any contact with him, he would have guessed the cause of my behavior. But for all of his intelligence, he honestly does not have a clue as to why I am so upset with him. I had hoped that he would eventually come to his senses and realize that I was jealous.
Jealousy does not become an angry McGonagall and I am sure that if you were to ask Albus he would tell you that I am a force to be reckoned with when angered. I must say that I was very frigid towards him on Saturday morning before his luncheon. I had hoped that by eating later, I could avoid seeing those twinkling blue eyes and bright smile of his. Unfortunately, he predicted that I would either choose to eat earlier or later than normal. Poppy mentioned that he was already seated at seven and he was still sitting there when I arrived at nine. I will say this…he is persistent to a certain degree. Even if he is a little slow where matters regarding me are concerned.
During my quickly downed breakfast, he tried to engage me in jovial conversations but I wanted no part of it. I was too hurt at the thought of him spending a fun-filled Saturday in Hogsmeade with Ms. Orchid. I was reminded of the glorious Saturdays and Sundays we used to spend alone together in the bustling town. So much so that I found myself wishing her ill or that an urgent message would arrive from the Ministry so that he would have to cancel but that did not happen. As luck would have it, I decided to take a stroll around the grounds to make some sense of my thoughts but was forced to see him once again as he made his way to the gates of the school. I felt a pang of hurt shoot through my heart as I watched him apparate to Hogsmeade and I felt the anger rise again.
I will give Albus credit for originality though. He has tried, several times this week, to track me down to discuss matters. I was successful in avoiding him until he sent Fawkes to me. Thank Merlin that bird cannot speak. I soon found myself pouring out my heart to a phoenix! At first, he merely sat and looked at me with his small black eyes but the more I opened up, the more he seemed to understand. Before I knew it, I had told him everything in my heart as he gently rubbed his head against my cheek, wiping away the tears as they fell. I must say that it felt good to let go of some of my hurt feelings, even if it was only to a phoenix and not the man with whom I really wished would sit, listen, understand, and then love me.
However, in the future I must remember that the bird is Albus' familiar because not long after Fawkes disappeared, Albus arrived with a tin of my favorite biscuits. After reliving all of my feelings of hurt, anger, love, and jealousy, he was certainly the last person I wanted to see. And to make matters worse, he still had no idea what had caused the rift in our relationship. In an effort to protect my feelings and to avoid potentially embarrassing questions, I stormed out at him in frustration. He took the hint and I believe he actually thought I might hex him. Although that idea was the far from my mind at the time. No, what I really wanted was for him to brave the McGonagall wrath and ask the right questions. Of course, I didn't really give him a chance to do that so I have no one to blame but myself.
The tin of ginger newts still sits on my desk, unopened. I can't bring myself to open them. They were a gift given from a remorseful heart but until he realizes what has happened or I am over this hurt, his apologies are just words uttered in the hopes of mending a wrong that he still does not understand. How can he say he's sorry when he is unsure of what he is sorry for? If I were truly the brave Gryffindor, I would just speak openly and honestly with him about my feelings and risk losing the friendship we have. Of course, I have already managed to alienate him, causing us both to suffer. I can only hope that he does not need to share the details of his little adventure with me anytime soon. I might lose all control and Merlin only knows what will happen then!