I warned you but you insisted
Whose fault is it now?
Hah, if only you listened, then you could be winning now...
But then...
"Jin, why do you insist that he can't handle it?" Kouya, after few more minutes of irritating silence, questioned me as he removed his blue jacket, exposing his white loose undershirt. The game has started a few seconds ago, and it looks like Kuroudo's really helpless out there. I can't help but to look at him, and now in his eyes I can really see that he's determined to fight him using his own strength.
He's depending too much on himself... even though he knows that he can't manage.
I closed my eyes. I don't want to spill the truth anymore, but they have to know it. They must.
"... He's Spain's great gear master, that's why Kuroudo won't take it any longer."
Their shocked voices ensued, totally bothering me why I told them all about it. No sooner, I heard another noise.
... the sound of glass shattering from the arena.
"It's fatal, ladies and gentlemen! Shooting Phantom broke the glass wall surrounding the arena due to the great impact caused by Silver Barbaria's special move --- Death Chop --- on it. It's the end!"
Hollers came from the panic-stricken people running away from the damaged
area.
... And the sad truth was unfolded. I looked up, and saw him still
standing there, stooping down the floor that he's stepping onto.
And what made me furious is the Spanish-Japanese gearmaster's voice...
"Didn't you know that I am also Spain's not-so-known gear master? I bet that really surprised you. So, what are you going to do now? Run home and cry like a little baby on your mama's lap? Huhuhu, poor Kuroudo, didn't have the enough time to prove me his worth. GET LOST! Accept the fact that you're just a piece of junk!"
I can't bear to see him with that face.
"YOU BASTARD! YOU SHUT YOUR ILL MOUTH UP!" I shrieked, more likely to cry, as I stepped forward and forcing my voice to go directly to the other side of the arena.
"Why don't you fight me, you son of a ---"
"Leave him, Jin. Just let
him leave..." I heard Kuroudo's voice whispering to me as he made his way down
the stairs. He, the azure-eyed blonde, is of a few inches away from me now.
I won't let him go away leaving you like that!
"YOU --- " I still forced.
"I SAID --- LEAVE HIM ALONE!" Kuroudo
bellowed, and I felt the impact of his anger blowing off on me.
Kuroudo?
In one blink of an eye, he shoved me away, causing me to fall loudly on
the floor on my behind.
I winced about in pain, and our co-members darted towards us. I felt one hand
holding me gently and a voice asking me about my condition...
... It was
Kouya.
"You never learned, Jin. How many times have I told you that you mustn't
cheat no matter how hopeless you are? It has been three years, Jin, still you
didn't learn anything? What kind of person are you?!"
He blabbered
once more... his "Don't-cheat-because-I-Don't" sermon. I can tell from his
manner of speaking that he's very exhausted.
I hate him, but at the same time, I immensely pity him.
Feeling so faithless
Lost under the surface...
How many times have you been like this to me? Telling and scolding me about everything that I have done wrong? To tell you, I have lots of faith in you, but then because of your sermons, it's degrading step by step.
Tell him... open the bottle....
"You're pretending to be perfect even though you really aren't. Now I see..." I concluded as I stood up and looked directly at his eyes.
"I don't know what you're expecting of me," I proceeded, this time, my voice came out as straight as ever, so firm and so serious.
"Just... just what are you talking about?!" I saw his chest heave as he wondered. He seemed to eat his words...
Just caught in the undertow...
"I don't know why, but I think every step that I take is another mistake to you..."
Spill, Jin. Spill all your tension out.
I am sorry, Kuroudo, but
this is what I really feel.
As I look at him now, he seemed to be rather confused and puzzled over everything. His face registered a very tensed emotion.
"Jin..." I heard Kouya mutter, but it doesn't really register much.
"I... I..."
I felt tears rolling down my cheeks. My voice turned so
shaky... even my hands are sweaty and shaky now.
"I... I can't take it anymore. I am tired of everything... tired of following what you ask me to be. I am here to help you. I know that what I am doing is wrong... but I am doing it to help you out. I can't get you, Kuroudo... You don't seem to see me... all the efforts that I do just to make--- make you... proud.... just to see--- see you happy and successful all along..."
Spill... spill...
"Jin." Kuroudo's voice became so soft. Right, you must realize everything. All the aches and sorrows that you have caused me all along...
I can't feel you there...
Spit it out, Jin. That bottled feeling in the core of your heart...
"I am tired, Kuroudo. Tired, but so aware of everything that you've been doing to me all along. I have been a puppet to everything that you wish me to do and to become... and now I think it's time to cut off the strings."
All I want to do is be more like me and be less like you...
NO, not that! There's a feeling ... a feeling that makes you bear with him through the years...
More tears seeped down my face. I hate crying, but if it's the only way I can vent out my emotions then I will do it... for you to know what I feel.
I can't! I want to, but my voice hides away...
has fallen apart right in front of you...
"I am so sorry cause I can't be perfect like you, Kuroudo. I am sorry... I am so sorry if I am SO disappointed in you."
Silence overruled our panel as all our members stood in awe, watching me as I
express everything.
"I am not perfect. I can fail...but never EVER
think that you are... because... because..."
Say it! Say it!
Totally disappointed...
"Because... I..." I felt my sharp nails dig against my sensitive palms.
Gloomy silence enveloped us. Because of my watery vision, I don't know what
his expression was.
"Jin, don't..."
My eyes flew open in shock... WHAT HAVE I SAID?
God, why?
Why do I always have the wrong choice of words?
... TELL ME!
I heard sobs, then livid breathing. I raised my line of vision. I saw the blonde running towards me.
"Kuroudo...!" Lilica called out. Jirou attempted to block him but he shoved him away, such a force unknown of him.
And I felt his tear pass my cheek as he ran right beside me and bumped my
right shoulder. I almost flew due to the impact.
I stared, my eyes all red
and blurry from crying. I felt piercing eyes looking at me from behind...
My knees are weak... so weak.
Go, look at me. It hurts, in case
you don't know...
I've become so numb...
My eyes stung once again... and it's coming around once more.
Kuroudo,
Pardon me... but I am too weak to face you now.
I sobbed... even louder than I have done in my whole darn life.