You've been like that for too long. Kuroudo's only causing you trouble and pain.
If only I could reach out to you... be there for you always.
I wish I've been the one.
My thoughts were sliced as soon as I heard him speak.
"You know, Kouya? I wonder why I am like this." His voice were still muffled by neverending sobs.
Don't humiliate yourself too much.
"Like a..." I searched for the right term, "Martyr?" I uttered.
He nodded slightly. "Yeah. Just imagine me chasing after someone who doesn't notice me at all, and worse, that's someone has hurt me all along in my life."
"Yes, you are stupid, Jin... but then, I admire you." I joked, though deep inside I am always hurt when he says stuff like that.
He grins now...
At least I've made him happy.
"You know, Kouya? He's in the Kendo Finals today!"
I've heard your happy voice again.
Why does it have to be him anyway?
"Yeah." I replied in my usual jolly manner as I turned the TV set on.
"Kuroudo's so great that he'd qualified in the finals, right? I just love the way he moves."
Tch, I can do that. Just hitting your opponent with a stick? Maybe I can do it better.
"Right." his voice could have never been happier.
"So, how are you two going?"
There, there... why am I asking these stuff if I'll only end up getting hurt?
"Oh well... we just went and watched a movie yesterday. The film was great, though. It was very scary."
"Oh really? Good for you!"
I could have been in his place. I asked you out a week earlier than he did, but then we're miles away.
"And how about you? How's your life doing?"
Ah, good you ask. Never thought you'd be concerned.
"Me? I am grounded. Taking up my classes here in Nagoya. I miss Tokyo."
"Yes, I miss you Kouya."
Just then, I felt my cheeks getting hot. My ears almost clapped.
"I just hope that when you come back here in Tokyo, we'll watch a movie together."
"Sounds great, Jin!"
Oh boy, you only don't know how happy I am!
"... and I'll tell you more about Kuroudo."
That bastard! Oh well...
"Ah, okay." My voice's expression changed.
"So, I'll call you later. his game's starting."
Aww.
"Okay, take care..."
Busy tones ruled the other line...
Drat.
Kuroudo, Kuroudo, Kuroudo... he'd always been your topic with me. It has been the past three years since I have been your confidant, and all you talk about is him, him and more him. I've known every detail of your feelings for him, I have also been there in your happy and heavenly moments with him. I have been also there when you cry because of his impulsiveness. Numerous pieces of advice I have given you on how to mend things up and they all seemed to have worked effectively.
Jin...
I have heard your laughs and cries, but it's not you who's greatly affected with those happy and down moments.
It's me...
Kouya
Your friend
Your confidant...
Your... your admirer.
Why go far? Why do you have to chase Kuroudo around like a puppy when the one who immensely watches you is right in front of your face?
Why do you always see it through me...?
I am here, right in front of you, ready to accept your despite your weaknesses and imperfections, those things that Kuroudo can't stand having when he's with you.
I don't care if you cheat. I don't care if you use microchips during gearfights. I don't mind if you are a bit self-centered and grouchy.
I don't care if you aren't perfect. I don't care about your weaknesses.
Because I... I...
Whatever you do
I will be right here waiting for you...
I care for you. I miss you... I love you... more than that Kuroudo guy does. He only cares for you because he's after your skill in making him perfect. He only loves one part of your packaging. But I love you, and I'll take you, the whole package.
Or how my heart breaks
I will be right here
Waiting for you...
But no, you're talking to me about him. I am your confidant, the one who knows that you love one guy when I myself also like you. Just imagine me being stoic about receiving your stories about him... while I just sit here, wishing that it could have been me.
It hurts, doesn't it?
I need you, I need you more and more each day...
But I am waiting, eagerly waiting, for that time when you'll no longer be hurt by him and you'll realize that there's still someone who values you in his life...
... and that's me.
So I ask you, "Who's the martyr now?"
I noticed tears falling once more. It's him.
"Kouya. I am so... so worried. Should I say sorry?" his tone registered such confusion that bugged me quite strongly.
Here I am again, to the advice-giving session, while I'll be the one getting hurt.
Now here's the chance to get him. If I say no, then there'll be no more chance of him being within my reach. But if I say yes, it'll be one more dream broken for me.
Such a wasted opportunity.
I will say no, but that will mean happiness for me and sadness on his part.
I looked up at him as I made my decision...
I hate it when I see him all sad and gloomy like this.
I'd rather suffer than see him lonely and moping in a corner.
"You should, Jin." my voice seemed to be so nervous. Why is this so?
And here I am, wasting a precious chance away.
"You should reconcile with him. Don't give up on the fight. Go for it!" I beamed but deep inside I felt my heart shatter into tiny pieces.
He looked at me and smiled.
But the pain that I felt is replaced by his smile... a smile that's not meant for...
Wait... I now feel arms wrapping around me.
"Thanks, Kouya. You're my friend..."
I have to accept the fact that the two of us will be up to this level only.
"You're my friend. I thank you for giving me such a good decision." He let go and stood up.
"Probably I will reconcile with him by tomorrow when things clear off his head."
I watched him as he walked away.
He walked away... and he'll never go back to me.
I need you, I need you
More and more each day.
He'll be gone, for good.
... and theyll be together.
Hot tears broke down on my knuckles which were tightly clutching on my jeans.