Here I am again, staring at them like they're the things that value most in my being.
They're beautiful, though they hide poison inside.
They're concrete examples of why you shouldn't trust beauty alone.
People say I have quite and enthralling pair. Mediterranean blue and expressive, that's how my soul windows look like and they adore it the most on my body. They make me look so obedient, kind, delicate and caring.
Hah, that's the definite opposite of what I really am.
But they wonder why I don't make good use of it. I always close it, as if hiding it away and never letting it make contact with others of its kind. I should be proud of them, they usually tell me because they're really beautifully... enchanting.
Darn people, they only see beauty and nothing else.
As a saying goes, eyes are the mirrors of one's soul. They reflect the being's innermost feelings and thoughts. It's weird how my eyes reflect beauty when my soul really isn't of that characteristic.
I am hard-headed, numb, uncaring and dishonest with others and even with myself.
That's why I hide them from other people... this pair of misleading eyes.
Especially from you, the one whom I have hurt almost my entire life.
Why do I regret everything that I do when it's all over?
Why do I commit the same mistakes over and over again?
Why? Why do I always hurt you without begging any pardon?
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes.
People, especially my team mates, think of me as an arrogant person, someone who doesn't ask much help from others because he thinks that he's already self-sufficient. They don't see me regret what I have done and make up for it. Yes, I am the bad man, but then I am also sad because I hurt them. It's confusing at times but that's how I really am... in the end, I'm also hurting myself.
My eyes are again looking straight at me through my reflection at the water. They are tamed as of now and through them I can see my insecurities.
Insecurities... this word comes popping out of nowhere as I speak.
"Look into the mirror. Your eyes give away your deepest insecurities."
That's Eddie Kobayashi's voice reverberating in my head. He's right... I think he's the only one who can see my insecurities. I knew it: I am so insecure of losing to Tetsuya that I have even hurt my friend... yet again.
To be hated
To be faded
To telling only lies.
One more reflection appeared on the waters beside me. I turned and I saw him, our team captain.
"Kouya?"
He looked at me, wearing a solemn look across his face.
"Hey, Kuroudo..." he stopped still beside me as he also stared at the waters.
"Please don't hurt Jin anymore." he started with no further ado. I can feel the growing seriousness in his tone.
Tch, his name pushes once more in our discourse.
I turned away and hid my assets, these blue orbs that reflect his image to me.
"I didn't hurt him. He's the one who have hurted me." I replied, my hard-heartedness pushing through.
"Please, Kuroudo... just say sorry." he repeated, the intensity of his seriousness growing.
I want to, but will he accept it?
I know that he'll just turn away.
I have tried saying sorry to him during that "microchip incident" just so to end the whole quarrel earlier and not to shatter Griffon into million glittering pieces. But what did he do? He turned me down. He turned away, leaving me all alone. Now on the second time, he should learn how to bow his head and accept his mistakes as an imperfect person.
Wait, or is that statement applicable to me?
But there's a feeling in me that forces me to take the first stand. What is this? Don't tell me this is pity again.
I won't... I won't... I just won't...
This has become my mantra of denial.
I am hiding once more in the shadows that I have casted myself.
"Why are you so concerned about him anyway?" I settled the curiosity. I then felt him shiver beside me.
"I... I don't want to see him cry anymore..." I can see he also tries to stop himself from crying.
"Unlike you, I care for him. I am just a concerned friend who seeks to ease his pain, and that pain's caused by you!" his voice contained impact that shattered and showered itself on me immediately.
I suddenly felt my soul being pierced.
"I can't stand all the quarrels that you two are undergoing almost everyday of your lives." his statement burned the twitching muscles of my heart.
I felt his pain. Jin's voice could be more than his. Behind my blue eyes, I think tears knock on the surface of my eyes for them to flow down freely, yet I still hid it.
Damn, when will I stop from hiding?
Haven't I had enough of this?
None of their pain woe will show through.
I heard the exact lines of my thought from Kouya's mouth. So exact but with more amplitude and persuasion.
"When will you stop from hiding, Kuroudo?" he asked, this time he didn't deny the pain he's feeling anymore. His tears seeped down his slightly tanned cheeks. I envy him for he can cry unlike me who can't... who won't.
You hard-hearted brat! Why can't you just show him your flaw? Why can't you accept defeat freely from your heart... your own mistake?
Tears are a sign of being weak. I am not weak, therefore I shouldn't cry... at least in front of him.
My mind once again flashed the crying Jin I have witnessed earlier. It tortures my heart even more. I don't want to see him like that. I don't want to see his eyes making me feel guilty. I don't want to hear sobs. I don't want... I don't want...
I still don't want to give it up. The pain, the repentance that I feel and soon will build a great revolution inside my hiding and misleading heart. I still don't want to surrender.
As my conscious seems to be.
I have hours, only lonely
My love is vengeance
That's never free.
I wonder why my love and respect is something that's painful to give away. I always ponder on the fact why I enjoy hurting him. Is it because I am really a sadist by nature? They're in complete contradiction of what I dream.
I dream of us being in peace. I dream of us two being friends for a long time. Yes, we are but it really isn't obvious due to our contradicting purposes and views. I am not empty, for I want serenity, for eternal peace... for peace that will be never broken anymore by petty quarrels and misunderstandings.
But my love is never at stake, therefore I should get something in exchange for it... and that's hurting another. Talk about my vengeance.
I looked at Kouya, probably he doesn't feel my pain. He doesn't feel that I've been standing here for hours thinking of my worth and making my mind of what I have done. I stared at him, he seemed so furious probably due to the seemingly lengthy silence I have offered on his presence, and on his part it meant coldness, sarcasm... placidity at its most hostile.
"I'm sorry..." I voiced out, my tone unchanging as a part of me hid behind the metal wall of apathy.
"No, you're not!" he suddenly bellowed, pain which I think could also be Jin's going with it. My pair, my assets, widened. My sarcasm is once again at its toll.
To be mistreated, to be defeated
Behind blue eyes
And no one know how to say
That they're sorry and don't worry
I'm not telling lies
"You're not sorry.. you're lying, Kuroudo! Why can't you be just true to yourself for a change? You're inflicting pain on all of us just by showing us how much of a fraud you are!"
It hit my nerves, this time it's really of greater impact. I felt my hands twitch and shiver. Sweat rolled down endlessly down my cheeks.
"You're the greatest liar that I have ever known, Kuroudo! Think about it... if you're really sorry then you should have said this right in front of Jin's face. Maybe you should learn how to think of others' feelings even for just a while." His voice broke and he let out a little squeak as he sobbed. He never changed; he's still that crybaby.
And do did I. I am still my pretentious self.
"You're nothing but a darn fraud, Kuroudo. A big, pretentious fraud!"
His expression slightly softened from the angered one earlier. He sighed as he wiped his face with the back of his hand, the childish gesture he usually does whenever his fragile heart breaks.
"Think about it, Kuroudo..." he paused as he gathered his thoughts. The sound of larks flying around the port echoed overhead. The sunset's rays shone steadily across our faces. His brown orbs shimmered with it, thus giving more meaning to his stare.
The kind of stare that burns my soul and mocks my being.
Just like Jin's.
And what he said made my nerves completely snap...
"Think about it, Kuroudo. Don't let your numbness take a loyal friend away from you."
With those words, he turned away...
"By the way, it's already an hour before dinner. Lilica wants to treat us to a homemade dinner in our apartment. Go there if you still have the nerve to do so. Besides, it's really for you."
And he passed across the unsteady boardwalk that we've been standing onto.
"For me?" Silence delivered me the answer to my momentary confusion. "Aa..." I realized it as the breeze whispered. Time really runs so fast.
I have been so wrong, so wrong to hide all until the time is due...
What he said was a great premonition and an advice fused into one. A loyal friend.... he's been there all along for me, I must admit. No matter how many times I have treated him unfairly and made him feel like he's not a person, he's still there, supporting me all the way. I suddenly recalled how he smiled at me before my fight with Tetsuya and also, how he explaned his sole purpose of heliping me out.
Yes, he should say sorry, but it's already too late to confront him now, too late because of the reason that's supposed to happen soon...
To be the bad man
To be the sad man
Behind blue eyes...
Behind blue eyes there's someone straining his emotions to escape.
Behind blue eyes, there's a being lost within the confines of his conflicting ways and dreams...
And behind blue eyes, there's a soul who finally sheds tears in acceptance that he's not a god who can't commit mistakes.