Time slips through me that I hardly noticed it's already late for restoration.
I am mortally offended of this grave error that I've committed, and I admit that it's all because of me and my ruthless reasons.
If only, these words of regret start every sentence I am blurting out by this moment.
Under the wan moonlight, I walked slowly, not making out that much distance with my feet. I can hear television, radio and even video games blasting on every house I pass by. Indeed, Osaka had made great advancements in modernization; it's a far cry from what it has been years back. It has progressed, matured, grown wiser and moved on.
But I remain to be me… the futile me.
Crickets are chirping loudly, singing their part in this melodious concerto of the night, a silent concerto noisy people never understood. I also played my part but immediately, I lost my pace. They have scolded me about the great blunder that I've made, mocking me of how imperfect and loser-like I'm now. I don't care, to tell you honestly, for I'll gladly fine-tune my instrument again and play my solo to make up for everything that I've lost.
Perhaps, it can happen tonight, tonight when the world is playing a silent opus and also when my distinct solo could stand out.
I stopped at my tracks. I recognized that one refuge also understood the universal piece. They're also indistinctly listening to the soft violas of the wind and the seemingly rich cello of the blazing stars.
It's our apartment.
Doubtful of entering, I paused by the door. From the inside, I could hear mild clanks of silverware hitting ceramics and also there's gentle shifting of feet to and fro.
No time to lose…
I twisted the knob open, and I felt the world around me come to a halt. Lifting my cerulean eyes to see what went wrong, my eyesight displayed the four of them eyeing me, totally stopped from their work. Some looked at me as if they want me to keep distance of at least fifty miles, just like what we do to a flammable gasoline tank. One of then looked, spelling out the accusation as soon as our eyes met. Also, some others looked in mixed portions of pleading, conviction, and surprisingly, fear.
Why are eyes expressive?
If only they were never created.
They shifted their glances and turned away, proceeding with their small handiwork. They looked like bees working around the architecture of their home, or if you translate it into this context, the dining table.
I made my way straight to the table, not saying a word. I know it's rude but then again I know they will neither talk to me nor let me help out. I bowed my head down, scrutinizing, taking note of their footsteps and the sounds produced by clashing, hitting and bumping. It almost blur into oblivion when…
Someone played a wrong tune. It wasn't supposed to be so loud…
"How long will we stay like this, not speaking and pretending not to see each other?" It was Kaoru who banged her fists onto the countertop.
"What do you guys have to say for yourselves? Come on, speak up! One more minute of silence and I'll explode!" she gritted while turning away, as if addressing her complaints to an unseen crowd.
All were awestruck of her outburst, although we knew it's really natural for her to be that outspoken.
What made me so surprised is that it's because of me, and only me.
"The sun shouldn't set upon an argument, remember that saying, Kuroudo?" Jirou began, gently placing the glasses by the dining table. "As I have been observing the past few years that we've been together, you and Jin never followed that unspoken rule."
"You always spurn each other away, like it's a perpetual game of hide-and-seek. That's the reason why your ends never meet." Kaoru followed up, still staring at the sink but is now participating to the discussion. In my view, I can hear their heartbeats and how they form one piece, a piece of revolt for my misconduct.
"I know… but he never listens." I mumbled inarticulately, but I heard no reply asking for a repetition. As for this statement, call it a reflex action of my system. Talk about being defensive.
"Get real, Kuroudo!" Kouya exclaimed. "A determined man doesn't give up that easily. Just like gear fighting, a warrior never gives up until he gets what he really wants until he achieves that goal…" I can tell from the tone of his speaking that he's somewhat affected or maybe he's speaking from experience. I can't figure out what experience it is anyway. "… as for you, I haven't seen any event when you presented your will to say sorry. All you do is lock yourself and bottle your emotions inside. You never share them… you never go out of your shell and tell him what you feel. You're always like that, Kuroudo; you're very secretive. You conceal everything and take on all your problems on your own…"
Did it hit a nerve? Yes, it did. Badly.
"… No one gets it perfect on the first time, remember that."
Tch, I hate people pretending to be goody-two shoes.
I hate know-it-alls.
Look who's spotless here…
"What do you know?"
I suddenly felt my mouth act faster than the stimulus sent by my brain telling my ravaging mouth to keep its calm. It also had directed my voice to go out slightly angry which made the other participants gape at me.
"I am just explaining, you don't have to be so touchy about it!" the lecturer's nerve snapped that he also raised his voice, thus surpassing the one I'd made earlier.
"I ask you, what do you know?" I echoed what I said, this time it's of greater force and more deliberate. Tch, helpless beings inside me forced me to do such things unbelievable of me.
"I know more, more than you know, more than you could ever know about you and Jin!"
Call it a slip of his tongue because I think he had this expression of pure shock after blurting those words. He silenced himself by reaching out for a glass and the pitcher of water beside my arm and gulping two glassfuls of water hurriedly. The others, I have noticed only now, sat by the table all arranged on a line in front of me. This now reminds me of an interrogation scene I've watched in the movies wherein the cross-examiners sit on a line in front of the suspect… the suspect for hurting another of his kind. Now my nerves weren't only shot, they're snapped.
"It takes a million forever for Jin to approve my apology." My voice found its way out after another sigh. This time, I imagine myself being psychologically analyzed.
"So it means… you've tried after all?" Jirou questioned hesitantly, respecting my right to talk. Besides, I only opened up now.
Without replying, I proceeded, this time it's of my free will to do such, "To tell you all the truth, he approved it a couple of times already, but I cannot guarantee that it's total repentance on my part. It's only effective for a couple of days. It seems like to have eternal peace with him is more like a complex dream. Kare ga maido tooi tsuzuke miteru. He's a distant star that I can't reach for my lifetime. I just don't know what to do anymore, so I decided it's better to keep my mouth shut and hide away than to waste my breath on making a million pleas that will only end unanswered and unfulfilled."
"You… you can't be serious." Kouya was somehow bewildered upon knowing the scoop.
"He has popularized the fact that I left Griffon that easy. I admit I did but I said sorry afterwards, reasoning that I was so out of my mind when I did that crazy decision. I just wanted to not blow Griffon apart through the dynamite of my anger and fickle-mindedness… but guess what he did? He turned me down; he turned us all down! Although the problem with Griffon was resolved, I still can't forget how he ignored me those times. I… I don't know, but I think shutting up is the most probable solution that I can…"
"No, it's not the most effective way…" Lilica, our manager, cut off my lines. "The best way to solve any problem is to face it with no shame and no regrets. You can't just let yourself hide from its dark shadows like, forever. Kouya's right; you should once again face your fear of being ignored if you want your friendship with Jin to stay intact." Lilica paused as she looked at the other members now beaming at me.
"We told you; we're right all along!" Jirou cheered.
"I knew it; I was right on letting you guys speak up in the first place." Kaoru fixed her long brown hair and tied it on a ponytail.
"So Kuroudo, are you enlightened?" Kouya smiled too, and I can conclude that his grin had changed from awkward to cultured after a span of two years.
"Don't you give up, Kuroudo! But, will you say sorry now?" Lilica pushed the question through.
To tell you all the truth, I am laughing at myself now. It's really a shallow situation but I fussed quite well to get them all so worked up about me.
"Nah. Let him sleep. Tomorrow will be a good start for us two…."
I grinned, but the rush of memories and reminders is really inescapable.
Can they recall the main reason why I am so upset about it?
Or perhaps they really don't want to talk about it…
What a way to elude reality!
"No problem, so let's all…"
The phone blasted on our ears and soon I picked up the fact that the reason for its peal is mine. A disdainful change of air ensued. They grew silent and the once sweet symphony of laughter turned into bitter stares and hapless sighs. Kaoru looked away with a sullen look on her obviously stunning features. Jirou stooped and faced the floor, concealing his eyes from me. This time, I concluded that somewhere in serenity turbulence occurs… the turbulence of minds.
"Go on and answer the call." Lilica advised, "He might hang it up if you don't hurry."
My tumultuous mind then shot back into reality as I saw my own hands already standing up and clutching the white piece of technology tightly. Our manager smiled, assuring that she and all my other soul mates weren't angry or feeling something negative towards me.
The painful moment of truth has finally arrived. This is what I have been avoiding these past few days and the thing that makes my quarrel with Jin more unbearable, unacceptable and breaking.
"Excuse me…" I only managed when my feet carried me up to the air and lead me somewhere where the most intense part of my solo won't be heard.