I have to know. I have to know what will push through.
I want to be the first one who'll be hurt.
I want to… but how?
My spoon loudly hit the edge of my plate as I hugged my stomach tightly.
"Kouya, are you all right?" Lilica motioned by my side to check my condition.
"What's wrong?" Jirou raised his voice, standing up and almost turning the table upside down as he did.
"My…" I cringed. "My… stomach… hurts…" My intonation childishly revealed.
Kaoru sighed and grumbled, "You don't have to overreact about it…"
"It hurts--- pretty much." To my own surprise, my whole body sprang up and rushed to the nearby corridor. It looked realistic anyway, so never mind.
Darn, I looked like an idiot there, just like I do three years ago.
I let myself snigger at the memory.
But what can I do? It's the only way out.
"Now where is he?" I heard myself mutter as I made silent footsteps so as not to raise suspicion from the group I've left behind. I walked down the narrow hall leading to our bedrooms when a voice boomed out:
It's him, the one I'm planning to "spy" onto.
"You can't be serious!" I heard the bellow slicing through the wall.
Through the said statement, I can conclude that the discourse had begun just a few minutes ago.
"But how come?" He inquired, pain teeming on his voice. If only I could hear what he's so furious about.
An idea crossed my mind like lightning. I ran to my room, still trying hard not to make any sound being the gawky guy I am. I just hope my planned solution will be effective.
Finding the phone set recessed on the wall just before my bed, I forwarded my forefinger to the ANSWER button as I lifted the handset in silence.
I know it's bad, but this is the only way.
I heard Kuroudo's voice. Yes, it worked! Well, I just hope they didn't hear the sudden change of air or even the stifled sound of my sigh.
"… Your mother's the reason, Jean." A morose man's voice replied. I knew it; he must be Kuroudo's father. Never heard much about him, though.
"Mom? How is he, father?" a panic-stricken Kuroudo almost had his breath clogged.
So, there is a problem with his mom?
How could he hide it from all of us?
He's very reticent, this idiot!
My hand almost crushed the porcelain miniature statue of GFA that I've grabbed just for a look a moment ago. It's a welcome token of the Osaka Cup.
Silence reigned…
"We're divorced."
DIVORCED?
Immediately, the figure fell down. If not for the mattress, it could have crashed down to the ground.
Acrimonious silence followed as the digestion of thoughts took place.
"What?" Kuroudo's voice broke, not that breaking of voice because of adolescence thing but because of something else: it's because he wanted to cry but couldn't.
"Ho - How could you, father? How could you do this to our family? How could you two do this to ME?!" His voice was hurting to my ears. He's like a child having a fit of temper. I - even I myself - can't believe it. I recalled how Kuroudo looked so happy being with his mom who seemed not to look her age, although I've actually wondered why his father's not present with them. I presumed that he's been working abroad.
But I am wrong, totally wrong.
"There's no use keeping that relationship alive! Besides, she is the one who wanted it that way. She'd pushed me away more than I can take…"
"But it's you who had pushed her away more than she could take!"
It's getting more and more personal.
I felt kind of guilty upon listening. I was about to hang up when I heard a calm reply.
"Look, Jean. We did it because we love you ---"
"You broke up because you love me? Like fun it is, Dad. Like fun it really is."
"We know that you've been affected all along as we fought. So to end this whole insanity, we decided to split up once and for all."
By this time, I sat by my bed and recalled a day when Kuroudo was out of his mind during the whole practice. The reason? It was his parent's twelfth anniversary yet no celebration followed. Instead, he woke up seeing and hearing his mom bellow at his father over the phone. As he had related to me, curses and tears ruined his day. He's used to it anyway he'd been hearing it almost every anniversary they have ever had.
"But why… so soon? Why do I have to do so soon?" His voice returned with an indescribable amount of weakness, such weakness I've never known of him.
"You told me that it will be for one more week or so. Why? Won't you give me three more days?"
"Son, we have to because the school of your dreams had their enrollment now and their classes will start next month."
I heard shifting. I presumed that he moved about trying to check on something. I found the calendar by my bedside table. Right: Four days more and one month is soon to end.
"I see…" he replied with more misery. Even I, myself, felt the same. So, it'll push through…
"Son, this is your chance so grab it! You know I have so many expectations from you. This is your goal, don't you remember? The dream that seemed so unreachable for you and now here it is! So, don't let it go!"
"How about mom?" Kuroudo sorely recalled that fair lady.
"Son, I know you love your mom very much - even more than you do to me." Upon saying the last sentence, there was an unmistakable feel of jealousy that had filled the air. "But, this is where your dreams will come true. I remember how you dreamily stated those one by one when you were a kid. You were so full of life and ambition on wanting to become a great pianist…"
He paused, fumbling for words.
I didn't know he wanted to be the future Tchaikovsky.
In fact, I even have no idea that he plays the piano.
"Besides, this is my way to make it up to you, Jean. I've been away for almost all your life. I was never there when you grew up. I admit I left you and your mom alone. I've been such an irresponsible family man."
This time, he blamed himself. I noticed how repentant he was. No, not only because he wants to convince him; that attempt will be futile. What I felt is sincerity on his tone, and I'm not wrong about it. This time, it's for real. It's the truth that flows freely from his mouth.
"But, will you leave mom?" he inquired, pain lingering and never straining to go away.
"Son, she has a dream, a dream that will set out even farther than the confines of your home and even farther than the span of our ties. She has a dream and because I immensely love her,
I have - I must - set her free.
Setting free
That could be the hardest thing to do yet the easiest word to say.
My mind drifted back to Jin.
Indeed, it is.
I heard Kuroudo's voice.
It really is.
"Set her free, father?" the son parroted, breaking free from his own emotions.
"Setting free, son - letting go. That's the hardest phase of loving, Jean. We did it because of you. Do you understand now? Do you get the ache of letting go of someone just for the sake of the other?"
I almost dropped the handset.
Why are words abundantly meaningful?
If only I could strain myself from hearing it.
I could feel Kuroudo sighing loudly then finally inhaling deeply.
"I understand, dad. I am terribly sorry for the way I've acted. I was just - surprised, terribly surprised. Dad, I now get it. I am so sorry."
"So, will you?"
Will he?
Shall he?
Must he?
Those questions bothered him and also me. If I were him, I could say no for he has yet an unfulfilled mission here. But if he says no, that'd leave his father's heart shattered. Even I am having a hard time deciding. I know it's up to him to decide but I am just after ---
I snapped my thoughts shut. His decision is about to be announced.
I felt time stop around me. My heart paced twice as fast as it was when I am exhausted.
"Dad," He paused as his mind grabbed the right terms. "What time should I---"
No, Kuroudo! We need you around here!
What about Tobita Club?
What about the Osaka Cup?
What about-what about --- JIN?
"- leave?" he said the last word most deliberately and without any regret. I felt my heart explode. As if my rain had run out of reason, I pushed the answer button, thus losing its light, and dropped the handset to the mattress. It almost hit the GFA statue by a millimeter. I darted out of my room, my feet running like crazy as if they were on fire.
Darn, that bastard!
He then had the nerve to make promises of saying sorry tomorrow, but what has he done?
He's so insensitive. He's an IDIOT!
I know his dreams are important, but how could he hide these all to us, to Jin?
After a moment of running, I heard concerned voices around me.
"Kouya, you haven't touched your food yet."
"Where did you go? We've been waiting all along." Kaoru followed out manager's question.
"Are you sure you've only gone to the restroom?" Jirou even had the nerve to fool around.
I want to be the first but I never thought it's really painful to be the first to know.
"Ku - Kuroudo…" I voiced out, my vocal going all so shaky.
"What's with Kuroudo?" they asked in turn.
"He…" I clenched my fists before containing my bottled anger into the greatest revelation:
"He's not coming back to us! He'll be off --- off to Paris as soon as we open our eyes tomorrow! "
Truth hurts and it's an irony of how we want things to be.