Disclaimer: The characters aren't mine, and I am also not connected in any way to Hanson (This song, "If Only" is on their CD "This Time Around").
Spoilers: General through season five (up to "Eppur Si Muove"), especially "Noel"
Category: Song-fic, Josh/Donna (Part 1/3)
I know this isn't a great story or anything, but I had a lot of fun writing it. Actually, I was just delaying some English homework. J I do think this song describes their relationship well, though. Thanks for taking the time to read!
If Only
If only I had the guts to feel this
way
And if only you'd look at me and want to stay
If only I'd take you in my arms and say,
I won't go, 'cause I need you
"Josh. Josh. JOSH!" my assistant's voice jolts me from my daydream.
"What, Donna?" I say, annoyed. "I'm in the middle of something."
"Yeah, it looks like it," she smirks. I look at my desk and for once it's mostly clean with only a copy of the Wall Street Journal and my closed laptop staring back at me. "Anyway," she continues, "I need to leave a couple hours early tonight…is that all right?"
"Yeah, I guess...can you bring me the file from this morning that we talked about?"
"Sure," she replies and promptly returns with a neat folder containing the important document. "So, do you like my hair straight or should I wear it up?"
I'm already immersed in reading the file, so I respond somewhat carelessly, "It doesn't matter; it looks the same every day. Why's it important now?" Suddenly I become suspicious. "Donna, do you have a date?"
For a second, she looks slightly guilty, then she straightens up and says almost proudly, "Yes, I have a date. His name is David, and he's a really great guy."
I stare at her for a minute before my facial muscles and mouth can muster the ability to say what I have been screaming in my head for the past minute. "Donna, please tell me what you just said was not the reason I let you out of work early tonight." I barrel forward thoughtlessly, "I cannot for the life of me understand where you get your sense sometimes. None of the 'really great guys' you've had in the past have been anywhere near good! These guys you go out with are a bunch of losers and you know it! Why won't you wait for someone who respects you?"
She's staring at me with a look that I really don't like. It's so quiet in here I can hear the noises from outside the closed office door. I have to say something. "I'm…never mind what I just said," I hear myself saying, resigned. "You have a right to date whomever you please." I was about to add another statement, but she cuts in.
"Yes, you're absolutely correct in that I have a right to date whomever I please," she snaps. "I didn't think I had to ask your consent before I start seeing someone, but apparently you think I do." I really don't like where this conversation is headed.
"No, I don't," I say. "I just don't enjoy seeing you…hey where are you going?" She just marched out of my office. I sigh and sit back down at the desk.
I sit here waiting, wondering, hoping
Gotta make this right
A few hours later I hear a soft knock at the door. "Come in," I say distractedly. I've felt strangely unfocused since my conversation with Donna.
"I'm going to leave now," she says quietly. "I'll be in early tomorrow to finish what I was working on. Good night."
I want to say something to her, but I can't come up with anything appropriate. "Have fun," I call, meaning anything but that. It must have worked, though, because I see her look back at me and offer a quick smile. Not quite as distracted as I was earlier, I sit back down and look through some memos on my desk.
The next morning, after grabbing some coffee, I sit down at my desk and read the newspaper for a minute before looking at the day schedule. It's 7:00, and I have a meeting at 9:00. I glance up as I hear my assistant's voice.
"Good morning, Josh," she says.
"Hey," I say, eager to make amends for last night. "How was your date?"
"It was great," she replies cheerfully. "I had a nice time."
"That's good," I respond brightly. She notices my fake enthusiasm and frowns at me. "I'm sorry about last night," I say softly. "I really just want you to be happy."
Apparently my last comments made her happy because she grins at me. Whenever she looks at me that way, I feel myself melting. I make a mental note to try to say something sweet to her every day. I wanna make her glow as bright as the stars.
The day continues to progress as normal. I already had a meeting with a couple of Republican senators this morning, so naturally I am not in the greatest of moods by the afternoon. I am just about to report to Leo on the productivity of the meetings when I overhear Donna talking with Toby's assistant Ginger.
"Yeah, it sucked," Donna says. "It was a complete disaster. I don't know what attracted me to him. Luckily, Josh doesn't know, and that's a good thing because I don't think I'd ever be able to face him again."
"Okay, I won't tell him," Ginger says. "Sorry…I gotta get back to work."
Donna's comment about how she could never face me again if I found out about her horrible date stings a little more than I would have thought. I think it's because she feels she can't trust me…I'm not sure why that bothers me so much. I ponder this for a few minutes before I get back to work and try to figure out exactly how I feel and what I should do. I definitely don't want to confront her because I can't stand to make her sad and I don't want her to think I'm gloating. But I also don't want her to believe that she couldn't tell me something that is important to her. I'm constantly trying to figure out my relationship with her. She's probably the person that I'm closest to and understands me the best. I only hope the feeling is mutual…
Then I hear myself reply she'll never let you in
By the end of the day I'm pretty tired. On the other hand, there are very few days in this administration that I've gone home anything but tired. I drive home and drag myself up to my apartment. I turn on the TV for a few minutes and stare silently out the window. I remember awhile ago how Donna (and a psychologist) helped me to stop smashing my hand through windows. I sigh and wonder for the millionth time why she felt she needed to lie to me about her date. I sigh again now, realizing all my thoughts turn to her.
All I think about is your hands,
your face, and all these lonely nights.
There's a feeling, screaming in the back of my head
Saying over and over:
Gonna hold you, love you in my arms and then
Don't wanna leave you, 'cause I need to be with you
'til the end
The next day when I get to my office, I feel strangely disoriented. I must not have gotten enough sleep last night. Normally, I live on never getting enough sleep, but thinking about Donna perhaps drained me of any extra energy. When she arrives, I greet her. I think she knows I know something about her and by the way she's looking at me, I think she wants me to confront her. I want her to voluntarily tell me the truth. I can already feel it's going to be a hard day.
Later this morning I am in the middle of reading a memo that Will's office faxed here when Donna interrupts.
"Hey," she says. "I have to tell you something that I think you may already know. I swear, if you do, I'll kill Ginger."
"Okay, but don't kill Ginger…she didn't say anything to me," I reply. "I overheard you talking yesterday. I'm sorry your date sucked." I look at the floor, trying to gather enough nerve to actually ask her why she didn't tell me the truth.
She looks relieved and embarrassed at the same time. "I'm sorry I lied," she says quietly. "I should have told you the truth from the beginning. You were right; I really can't choose worthwhile guys."
She looks sad so I say carefully, "I think there's probably someone right now who admires you and finds you to be absolutely perfect…maybe you just have to look harder." I hope she doesn't figure out I'm talking about myself, at least not yet.
Donna smiles and says, "Do you wanna hear what happened on the date? It was so awful."
"Sure," I respond, my mind a million miles away, in a land where only Donna and I lived together and she always glowed as bright as the stars.