Just who do he think he was, pushing me away just like that?
Tobita Club's also dysfunctional without me! Just who did he think he's yelling at?
If only he knew that I cared. If only he knew that I have been seeking for him.
If only he knew... that I love him so much. I've been loving him.
My fragile back leaned on the steel wall of our waiting room, seeking comfort through its harshness, blankness and coldness.
Coldness, numbness, apathy... it all points to one thing, to one person...
I am Kaoru Hanano, Tobita Club's assistant manager, the loud-mouthed girl whom they knew to be so pushy, so bossy, and so frank. Well, that was three years ago. Of course, as time passes, I do change. I change... everyone does of course. Just like Jirou, Lilica, Kuroudo, Jin and all others...
But my feelings for him still doesn't change. In fact it might have grown strong.
They all have changed, especially Kouya.
He indeed had changed, He had grown handsome and manly, I must admit to myself. He had changed, but not the change I'm anticipating of him.
To love me back. That's the change I wanted.
He had grown cold, blank... sad. Blatantly sad.
I compare the Kouya I've known three years ago to the one I've seen lately. I must admit that I was very irritated with the extremely clumsy and indecisive team captain, but on the other hand, I liked him because at least he shows emotions, signals that he's still human.
But what is he now? Who is Kouya Marino now?
Is he really aware... does he really know something --- anything --- about me?
Am I just someone who serves as a decoration in your life? Am I just someone who's there only for you to lean on when you have problems? Well, in fact you hide everything now from us... even your problems.
You said it yourself: we are your soulmates, the type of soulmates irreplaceable for you in your life. But why do you slowly drift away from us?
Did the distance eat the bond the whole Tobita Club had established three years ago?
Did the distance eat away your emotions for us... for me?
How could you be so numb?
Why do you slowly drift away from me?
The Kouya I've known three years ago will surely accept any warm offering of concern given to him because he needed it badly. The Kouya I know now (or I see. I've never known him anyway for he's hiding...) closes himself from all the others' touch and concern. The Kouya I've known back them will easily take a harsh side comment from his bossy friend with either a smile or a sheepish grin, but the Kouya I've seen earlier had grown so impatient, so hostile... so unknown, so distant to me.
Did the distance already eat the heart of our team captain?
Did the distance bind you with unbreakable seals so I won't be able to reach you anymore?
Currently, the only thing I've seen clearly of you is your back. You're not anymore the expressive Kouya I've once known. Probably it's due to adolescence thing, but I just wonder: Does adolescence make a heart of someone rigid, hard?
My hands, I've been trying to reach out for you through these...
My words, they've been trying to reach your heart, hoping that in one way or another it will open up for me.
I've been hoping that somehow, even for just a split second, I'd get a simple chance of seeing who's in it.
Is it me, or is it someone else?
I'd been waiting for you to approach me one moment and talk to me about random stuff just like we usually do back then...
Is this the end?
These eyes, they've been looking at you --- your humongous back. These eyes, they've been searching for any clues on to what you're up to now, hoping that even though you won't speak up, there's still a hint that you're thinking of me...
These eyes. These eyes have been crying...
If only tears could bring you back, if only my tears would restore the happy bond between you and me; if only these tears could be seen by you. Well, if they will be, will you wipe them away, or will you just leave me here, sulking... and you'll just feel as if these tears are for someone else?
Don't be so numb, you idiot! These tears are for you, and only for you!
Don't be so insane! I know that somewhere in you, you also want to cry...
Don't make-believe that no one loves you, because I do. I've been and will always do...
Cause you weren't there when I was scared
When I was so alone.
But why should I care anyway? If you don't care, then I won't too! Why would I waste these tears for you, if you don't try hard to see it? Why am I being so lonely because of you? There are more things to be preoccupied with, not just you. If you don't know that I exist, then I'd better forget that you do, too.
I'm not going anywhere.
I'd simply forget that you're Kouya Marino, the boy whom I immensely admire... before. Now, you aren't, and I don't care if you live in this world, that you're part of our team. I don't care it you'll again shout at me or ignore me. I won't be hurt, because I have no special feelings for you. I don't care.
But I do care! I do care because... because...
I leaned by back again on the steel wall and hugged myself onto nothingness.
I love you so much, and there's no more greater reason than that for me to act like a martyr for you... just for you.
I just noticed... the wall I'm leaning to is as cold as you. Unwelcoming, selfish, apathetic. That's who you are now. Can't you see the person that you've become that you're continuing to live your life as if you're alone in this world? The Kouya I know had been constantly thinking for everybody's sake. Or perhaps, you started shutting yourself from this world since another person was hurt...
The gear master.
You're hurt when Jin was, and I can't stand all these silence going on in our team. I wonder why, but I don't need to because you're so cold. You've been thinking that you're alone in this world: unnoticed, unappreciated... lots of un's. Since Jin was depressed, you've also had grown the same. Why? What is it with him that makes you sympathize?
Or so to speak, what is it with me that makes me want to sympathize with you who sympathizes and cares for another?
We... we are only two of all those people in this world who feel unnoticed and unrequited. Indeed, there are many questions in this world that will remain unanswered. But for me, I won't let this unresolved. Sooner or later, she'll be there to confront him, the boy whom you've been so worried about.
My hope. Miss Lan Fang.
It's only now that I realized that coldness could also be comforting. Wonder why? It's because I found out only now that you're colder than this wall. At least this wall, though cold, is here with me... unlike you who's drifting far, far away.
Now if only I could love a wall, then things could have been better for me... ne, Kouya-kun? Right? Right.