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Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
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Notes: Janisha Silver figures largely in this chapter. But for a good reason. Bear with me. Please.
Thanks to Kitty Rainbow for playing the cameo role in the Netherworld Flamingo. Next chapter I intend to do a few more cameos as customers at the Flamingo. Any volunteers? (Recruitment plea at end of Chapter)
(Note: The song quote today is one of my personal favorites. If you know it, praise on high! The book quote I found in a really old book at the library the library. Published 1920. Isn't that weird? Isn't it perfect? Isn't it BRILLIANT? Isn't it... reverse plagiarism? I'd sue the man if he wasn't... dead.)
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Chapter Nine: If I Tried, I Could Probably Think of A Better Title
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""A trout, hiding under a stone, watched the dog's tongue as it broke through the arch of water-and-air above him. It seemed like a great mystery, and filled the little fish with religious fears. "After all," he said to a friend who was passing by, "We know very little of what lies beyond; and we should worship what we do not know." "Nonsense," said his friend, "There is nothing beyond, except an absence of water. Do you want to worship an absence?"
The first fish did not reply. But it seemed to him that there was, at least, neither cruelty nor injustice in an absence; and that an actual Prescence in the world above was just as mysterious as nothing at all."" -- From "Sir Henry" by Robert Nathan
"I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end..."
--- "Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down
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Sunday Night
Outside L92 Chute Entrance
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Janisha Silver groaned dizzily as she stepped out into fresh air. She'd never liked journeying through the chutes -- it gave her a pressure headache -- and now, with her Gift as dry as it had ever been, she could barely see straight.
She looked horrible, and she knew it. Her shoulders slumped, her battered uniform hanging on her body like floursacks on a sawhorse. She hadn't even had the time to take a shower.
"Man, this whole thing bites," Janisha muttered to no one in particular, straining to see in the dark. Interns like her weren't allowed special equipment like wings or nightvision goggles. The stingy bureaucrats at the Council thought they couldn't be trusted with those, when not even the Lower Elements Police had access to decent technology.
No one stopped to think how dangerous it was for young medics like her every time they went to the surface. She had no power left for shielding or mesmer. Without equipment and drained of her power, she and all the other students who had to replenish their Gift were sitting ducks for whatever humans or wild animals happened to wander by. If one kid got caught, that was it. So much for the species.
Out in the open hills of Ireland, it was cold, for July. Shivering, Janisha pulled her jacket tighter as she trudged towards the great oak tree. She tried with every fiber of her being not to hate those bastards at the Council. It didn't work.
She hated them.
All alone on the surface, filled with resentment and a yawning exhaustion, Janisha began to feel depressed. Haven was such an enclosed and boring place. Here, out under the watchful stars with the cold wind whipping her jacket and giving her reason to move -- this was where she belonged. Not shut up in an underground hospital to heal the broken bodies of others for the rest of her life.
With her breath coming more raggedly than ever, Janisha collapsed at the base of the oak tree. Everything was there -- the full moon, the ancient oak, the twisting water. Her eyelids closed halfway, her mouth was parched, and her head swam. She fumbled about on the ground until she touched the hard, smooth surface of a perfect acorn.
Find a place to plant it, far from the spot where it was taken.
Janisha got tiredly to her feet, trudging off into the dark. She was too tired and cold to go very far, so she climbed over an old stone wall and landed in a farmer's pasture. She scrabbled about on her hands and knees, grinding mud into the fabric of her poor clothes. As soon as she got back from this, she was taking a shower, with all her clothes ON. Interns barely recieved enough pay to buy soap -- doing laundry was a luxury. Sometimes the warlock interns would get together with some university students or junior LEP officers, and they would pool their money to go to the laundromat. Yeah, wasn't Haven a fun place to be young in?
Janisha scraped away some leaves and loam, making a little nest for her acorn. "From the earth thy power flows, given through courtesy, so thanks are owed..." she mumbled.
Suddenly, a pair of heavy hands closed down around her neck. Janisha screamed, struggling, but her strength could never match that of her opponent.
Touched without her permission, her copy of the Book caught fire, burning away to nothing in an instant.
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Meanwhile in the Fish Tank in Holly's Apartment
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Bob the Atlantean Bogglefish suddenly realized that he was a Prophetic Fish.
He had just had a vision of the Future.
The Future was round, and slightly spongy in the middle. It was an orangish-yellowish color, with dimples. The Vision hovered next to the Ceiling, which was of course the Epitome of Everything.
The Future, Bob decided, was both grapefruit and yet it was not grapefruit. It was a Zen-like state of being, at once yes-fruit and no-fruit. Perhaps it was a grackle. Perhaps it was an origami rendition of a weasel. Perhaps it was a moldering plate of cottage cheese left for too long in the fridge.
Bob floated at a diagonal angle and thought deep thoughts.
Like all bogglefish, he was farsighted, and it took a lot of amusing squinting and crossed eyes to focus on things near his nose. On a whim, he crossed his huge white eyes and squinted, and was shocked and astonished to see Something come into focus.
His fishy heart almost stopped in horror.
What WAS that?!
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Meanwhile Back in Tara
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Butler winced as the sparks from the burning Book flew into his eyes. Thankfully his shiny, reflective sunglasses protected them. He kept a tight grip on the small, wiggling form, feeling the delicate bones and cool skin of something not quite human. His huge hand was clamped tightly over its mouth, preventing any noise.
Abruptly the little thing stopped struggling and seemed to go limp. With a shock, Butler realized that he'd been cutting off its air supply. His hands were so big, and its face was so small. Quickly he pulled away so the captive could breathe. "Artemis?" he said into his headset.
"What?" came the clear reply.
"It's unconscious."
There was a pause. "What, it fainted?"
"Not exactly. Oh, no, she's coming around."
"She?" Artemis paused, wondering if he'd accidentally caught Holly again. Actually, he hoped he had. Holly would probably sort him out. "What species?"
"Uh..." Butler looked at it askance. "A... blue one."
Not Holly, then, unless she had spontaneously decided to start painting her face with woad. It didn't seem likely, Holly had never struck him as the makeup type. Artemis pulled out of his cover and approached the manservant and his new captive.
What a pity he couldn't use Mulch to show him an entrance to Haven. The dwarf would be arrested instantly, and Artemis would be short an employee. He didn't really like swooping down on People as they tried to plant acorns, though. It seemed vaguely un-sporting.
"A warlock," Artemis announced, eyeing the slate-skinned figure, who was blinking dazedly. "Juvenile, I believe." Raising his sunglasses slightly, he walked slowly around her, as if she was an interesting exhibit at the museum or zoo. "Medic?" he demanded abruptly, noting her uniform.
She nodded, tensing automatically into an 'at-attention' pose. "Junior Medic, field division,--" she began, cutting herself off before she spilled anything important. Artemis nodded vaguely. "Oh, don't worry, you can't really tell me anything I don't know. I'm Artemis Fowl the Second."
"D'Arvit." Janisha slumped even farther than she had been. She gave the impression that she could sink no farther. "Well, don't bother with ransom. The LEP doesn't care that much about me, I'm just a broke, lowly female intern." She said this almost challengingly.
Artemis didn't even blink. "I'm not here for money, intern. I need to get into Haven." Butler gave him a raised-eyebrow look, and Artemis added, "Please?"
"Ha." The warlock wiggled slightly, but Butler's grip was like rock.
"It's urgent. I need to speak to Commander Root. It's very important," Artemis said, looking down at her. Janisha's fingers slowly scrabbled forward, scooping up some granules of dirt, and slowly she pulled them back. Butler caught her long thin hand, tossing the acorn out of reach. "You can plant your acorn when we're done with you."
"Why do you need the commander?" Janisha asked evenly, trying to ignore the pain in her wrist. She couldn't stop the thrill running through her. Here she was, talking with the former greatest enemy of the People. All right, maybe her life wasn't so boring after all. "Besides, the pressure underground..."
Artemis tightened his lips. "None of your business, really, though I can see why you're nervous. Think, though - what harm can I do to Haven? You may take my word, I urgently need to talk to the commander. For all of our sakes. And I've been underground before. A token of faith," he added, handing her a new acorn. Janisha looked at him blankly. She took the nut, scooped out a little hollow of earth, laid it to rest there with a clump of dirt over it.
A flood of blue sparks rushed over her, and the two humans blinked despite their sunglasses. The rush of power was almost blinding in the darkness, lighting up the night with a glowing blue aura. Janisha crouched with her eyes closed, sparks shooting up her fingers and arms and head and filling her up. They began to slow down after a minute, but there was still an eerie blue glow in the air.
As if answering the blue beacon, a pair of headlights cut through the dark. It was a deserted place, but there was occasionally traffic.
"D'Arvit," Artemis said emphatically, and Janisha looked up, shocked to hear him use a Gnommish swear.
"Do you know what that means?" she started, a huge smirk covering her face, before she noticed the headlights. "Oh. D'Arvit."
Butler stood up and pulled her upright, putting her behind his back. The truck slowed to a halt, and the three of them froze as two people and an animal got out. Janisha got herself ready before she felt Artemis's scathing scorn in her ear.
"Don't try to shield, fairy. They have a dog. He's already smelled you."
"Urgh." Although she would never admit it, Janisha ducked farther behind Butler. Large dogs made her nervous. A dog is impervious to shielding or mesmer, and it's far more quiet, intelligent and versatile than your average troll. An angry, hungry dog could shred a pixie to pieces like a dragonfly on the wing. Silver shuddered and made herself stop thinking these thoughts.
The farmers and their dog approached them with more curiousity than aggression. "What's going on here, a fire?" one of them shouted when they were in hailing distance.
"No," Artemis said. He motioned to Butler and walked off. Butler followed, Janisha's wrist clamped tightly between his thumb and index finger.
The farmers looked at each other, at a loss, and shrugged in utter confusion. They walked back to their truck. Their dog remained behind, staring at the third figure in the party with the oddest look on its face. A growl escaped its throat, and it backed away with its hackles raised before turning and fleeing after its master.
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Sunday Night
Howler's Peak
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Blip. An instant message popped up on Opal's screen.
With a sigh, she clicked on it. The little screen shot up, reading:
LOTRHotFangirl: Why do you insist on being so perverted?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: I'm not perverted. I'm an artist. Expect a virus to disintegrate your computer at about 3.30 tomorrow afternoon.
Opal Koboi closed the window and set about sending off the virus. Who said prisoners didn't have fun? There she was, completely isolated, just her and the great World Wide Web. She was the spider, and everyone else caught up in the Web was her prey.
Opal laughed a slightly insane little laugh and rattled her fingernails together.
Blip.
LOTRHotFangirl: Is nothing sacred?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: No, not really. Would you like another virus?
LOTRHotFangirl: Bite me.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Very well.
LOTRHotFangirl: You can't get past my firewalls.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Watch me.
LOTRHotFangirl: Hit me with your worst... I'll have you knocked off fanfiction.net!
-------------------
Fowl Manor
-------------------
Juliet Butler growled at her computer. "I'd like to knock this witch into the middle of next update," she snarled, then smacked herself upside the head. "Oh, no. My muffins!" Quickly, she typed an instant message.
LOTRHotFangirl: GTG. MAB. Shall we continue some other time?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: MAB?
LOTRHotFangirl: Muffins Are Burnt...
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... I see.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... Not really.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Tell me when you get back.
LOTRHotFangirl has logged off.
Juliet smiled and ran downstairs to the kitchen, which was filled with a weird, thick, greasy black smoke.
-----------------
Howler's Peak
-----------------
Opal Koboi stared dejectedly at her computer. MAB. It obviously was some kind of term, but it meant something she didn't know. Was it a new slash term she'd never heard of before? Why hadn't she heard of it?
MAB. Muffins Are Burnt. What could it insinuate?
Muffins...
What could it mean? She had to find out.
"Get back here quick," she pleaded to her silent computer. "Please!"
-----------------------
Late Sunday Night
Chute Terminal E1, Tara, Ireland
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Only a few People were wandering around the shuttleport at this time of night. Janisha froze up, her fingers clenching the controls. She had always been a nervous flier, especially in rentals. This was a rental at its worst -- a beat-up pod with more dents than windows, its controls as loose as a dwarf's bowels.
Whipping her head around, she glared at Artemis Fowl, who looked at her impassively from behind his sunglasses.
"I can't take a Mud Teen through THIS. It's crowded. There's People here. I'll be arrested for treason."
"No, you won't," Artemis said calmly, leafing through one of the magazines he'd found on the floor. Nobody had cleaned out this cheap rental pod for a while, so it was filled with other driver's junk. The magazine Artemis had appeared to be the People's version of 'People.' He looked at it with distaste, then met her eyes again. The warlock saw herself reflected in those shiny mesmer-proof glasses, and realized with embarrassment what a messy character she looked. Despite herself, she flushed, giving her cheeks an angry purple tinge. "What makes you so sure, Mud Teen?"
"Mud Teen? Haven't heard that one before. I thought I was a Mud Boy," Artemis said in the same half-interested tone.
"No, you're not nearly cute enough to be a little Boy, and you're too scrawny for a Man," Janisha sighed, fidgeting. Did these people have no sense of time? She looked pleadingly at Butler, who was completely cramped into the backseat of the cheap little pod, looking somewhat like a water buffalo crammed into a very small Pontiac.
"Calm down, Medic," Artemis ordered with supreme calm. "You may leave the vehicle, after promising to return with Commander Root."
"Promise?" Janisha said weakly.
"Otherwise, Butler will deal with you," Artemis mentioned, gesturing to the huge manservant. Janisha blinked, setting her hand on the pod door.
"All right, I promise."
"Swear it," Artemis said, not looking up. Janisha growled. "I swear it on my Book."
"Which you haven't got," Artemis observed. The warlock looked down at the empty chain around her neck.
"I swear it on the new copy of the Book I will buy on the very rare occasion that I have money? No," she sighed, "Not good enough. How about on my reputation? That good enough for you?"
"Not really, you being a broke, lowly female intern," Artemis said, flipping casually through another magazine. Butler coughed meaningfully, and Artemis finally looked up. "But, since you obviously don't have anything else, it'll have to do."
"Good," Silver spat sarcastically, opening the door.
"Wait," Artemis commanded. "Say it."
Janisha bit her lip. Placing her hand on her chest, where her insignia would be one day, she looked him in the eye. "I swear on my reputation and honor that I will return with Commander Root. Providing, of course, that he listens to someone like me. Which isn't likely."
Artemis looked at her. Seeing that she was serious, he sighed. "Why couldn't I have kidnapped someone important," he muttered. He continued to stare at her a long time. "All right, I understand. Find Captain Short instead... and show her this. She'll believe you."
Janisha looked at the object he dropped so reluctantly into her hand.
It was a gold coin, of fairy make. It would have bought her two day's supply of the ramen noodles that are the staple diet of all broke students worldwide. However, as money, it was worthless. There was a hole blasted neatly and cleanly through the center of the coin.
She saw Artemis looking at her steadily. Perhaps this little ruined coin meant something more to him than money. She couldn't possibly think what. This WAS Artemis Fowl after all.
"All right," she said, sighing again deeply, so that this insolent Mud Teen would appreciate the enormity of what she was doing. "I'll be right back."
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Fowl Manor
---------------
Juliet burst out laughing, clapping her hand over her mouth before the Fowl parents could hear. They had gone to bed early, aided by a little sleeping draught in their after-dinner drinks. Juliet was left to hold the fort while her older brother and Artemis traipsed all over God knew where.
She was happy with the arrangement. She got to chat with her new friend.
LOTRHotFangirl: LOL! That's an incredible insight!
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Thank you. If you read enough Tolkien, you can pick up all kinds of weird stuff. Did you know that he based his stories on what he taught at Oxford?
LOTRHotFangirl: No, I just know the movies.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: *long sigh* We have a lot to learn.
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Howler's Peak
---------------------
Opal wasn't too bad off either. She now had a disciple to instruct, which gave her something to do. Howler's Peak suddenly didn't seem so bad after all. Her new student used far too many smilies and abbreviations, and her poor grammar and spelling were a headache for the perfectionist pixie to decipher. Still, Opal Koboi was always one for a challenge. These things could be fixed.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: We should keep talking. Do you want my email?
LOTRHotFangirl: Are you kidding? The rest of the community's scared to death of you! It would be soooo cool!
Opal smiled. So her new friend also put too many "O's" in 'so.' As in, "Briar was sooo ugly, but he was sooo evil."
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: You know, we're actually a lot alike.
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Undisclosed Location
(Somewhere Very Cold)
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Mikhael Vassikin woke up in a small, bare-looking room. Takaban looked at him impassively. "The cancer's gone," he said as Mikhael started poking himself all over. "I made sure of that." He walked over to Vassikin and seized the man's hair. It had been shedding a bit from the illegal chemotherapy sessions Vassikin had been getting, but now it stayed in as firm as ever. "Where's Niklaus?" he managed to croak.
"He is only a partial witness. I've already questioned him. You, however, witnessed most of the transaction. Now it's your turn." Takaban knelt and started unpacking a video camera. Vassikin noticed that he was still wearing the long coat, though the room was moderately warm. With a whirl and a slight rustle, Takaban faced him with the camera, checking the light quality and fitting it to a tripod. "It's all quite unnecessary, of course," he said suddenly in the husky low monotone that seemed to be his only speaking voice. "I just like paying attention to detail."
Vassikin wasn't sure of what to say to that, but he had no time to sit in confused silence. The camera was in his face and Takaban was looking at him steadily. "I need to ask you some questions, and I need you to be completely honest. You do know what honesty is, don't you?"
"Yes," Vassikin said, affronted.
"You just don't practice it," Takaban sighed. "Look me in the eyes, Vassikin. I don't appreciate lies. Now, I need you to tell me everything -- starting when the Fowl Star crashed in the Gulf of Kola."
Vassikin looked into Takaban's night-black eyes and felt a little dizzy. "Camera," he croaked.
"Don't mind the camera, it's not even there."
Vassikin believed him completely. The camera was not even there.
He opened his mouth and the words came rushing out.
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Night-Owl Shift, Sunday Night
Netherworld Flamingo
Downtown Haven
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Kitty, Illustrious Bartender of the Netherworld Flamingo, ran her fingers through her hair, raking out a few brightly colored feathers that a Random Parrot had left there when it flew, stupidly, into her head. With her other hand, she poured a glowing green liquid into a glass, where it reacted strangely with the liquid already there. She pushed the glass over to the customer, who happened to be a certain sprite with a rakish, spiderweb scar in his wing.
"So, babe, what's your sign?" he asked suavely, accepting the radioactive-looking liquid.
Kitty reached behind the bar and pulled out a sign. It read, "BEWARE OF POKE."
Chix Verbil squinted as he read it. "Never heard of that sign before. What's it mean?"
Kitty poked him with it. He fell off the stool.
She grinned hyperly and pulled a notepad out of her apron pocket. "Number of People Poked Today: 37." She added a tallymark and nodded emphatically, bouncing with the movement. A nearby gnome noticed this and relocated to the other end of the bar, muttering crustily about "hyperness" and "not in my day."
Caspian dashed by, carrying far too many trays. A Random Parrot leaped from the rafters to divebomb her head, screaming "You'll never take me alive!" Disaster was inevitable.
Dashing about frantically, Kitty caught two trays in her free hand and one on her left foot, gracefully catching a spoon with her tongue. Caspian flung herself on her stomach, managing to catch a tray in her hands, a fork in her toes, and an ice cube with her ear. They stared at each other in awe.
"How did we do that?"
"No idea," Kitty replied cheerfully. Caspian got to her feet and promptly tripped over them again.
"Oh well. Didn't break anything," she said weakly as all the things she caught fell back in the downward direction.
"And elves are always bragging about how graceful they are," a pixie at the bar snorted disdainfully.
Kitty looked down at the trays she had miraculously rescued. She noticed with surprise the drinks and food arranged on one of the trays. Nobody else ordered this stuff, except --
"I'll take these, Caspian," she announced, feeling that her night just got a lot more interesting.
"I was blind but now I see!" A Random Parrot preached. "The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? Over there in a box." It took off and collided with another Random Parrot midair. They lay on their backs, gurgling at the ceiling. Getting unsteadily to her feet, Caspian picked them up before they got danced on, and put them in a dishwasher, to sober up. "Thanks," she said breathlessly.
"Never give up! Never surrender!" one of the Parrots squalled defiantly. Caspian caught it as it tried to escape and stuffed it into the silverware rack. "Sit! Stay!" She ordered pointlessly.
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" the other Parrot bawled.
"Shut up! Bloody parrot!"
Meanwhile, Kitty had distributed all of her trays except one. She approached her final customer, who seemed lost in thought, staring blankly at the table.
"Room for one more, Trub?"
The only reply she got was a distant, half-comprehensible noise. Kitty took it as an affirmative and slid into the seat, dropping the tray in front of her. "I heard you guys had to move. How's the new place?"
"Nightmarish," Trouble said despondently. He batted away a Random Parrot that was giggling in his ear. Without looking up, he outlined the gruesome details of the new apartment. Kitty's eyes widened and she immediately produced a flyswatter and a pair of rubber gloves. "You're letting your little brother stay in a place like that?!" she demanded, loading them into Trouble's arms. "Make sure he gets these!"
"Truly and indeed, you have chosen a bad place to be lame in," the Random Parrot hissed sibilantly. Still looking at the table, Trouble picked up the flyswatter and smacked it like a feathery badminton birdie. "Drink milk for strong healthy booooooones!" it cried distantly as it sailed off over the rafters.
"So how's work?" Kitty contined in an attempt to keep up the conversation. It was hard, as the Parrots were unusually determined tonight, and kept pelting them with irrelevancies. ("When in Turkey, do as the Turkeys do!")
"Bad," Trouble said, looking at her for the first time. "I can't tell you about it, though. Confidential." And he went back to looking depressedly at the table.
"How's Grub?" Kitty attempted.
His reaction was completely unexpected. Captain Kelp, who was always so athletic and aggressive and generally cool, suddenly curled up in the fetal position and started sobbing. It was completely out of character, and all Kitty could do was slide into his seat, pat him on the shoulder, beat off the Parrots and murmur words of comfort.
Her job did have its perks.
--------------------------
Undisclosed
--------------------------
LEP Corporal Lili Frond entered the room nervously. She looked blankly at the unconscious Mikhael Vassikin, sprawled inelegantly into a chair. "Ugly species, aren't they?"
Takaban didn't reply. He shrugged off his jacket and spread one wing, preening through the black feathers with both hands. Short feathers, long feathers, downy feathers, minor pinions - they came loose and drifted loosely to the floor. Healthy feathers don't shed that fast. He stared at them with a deeply depressed look. "I haven't got long left," he whispered.
"What?" Lili asked, flicking some more blond tresses over her shoulder.
"Nothing. I'm just brooding." Takaban nodded at Vassikin's snoring form. "Get him out of here, please?"
"Sure," she shrugged. "Anything else?"
Takaban paused. "Yes. Tell Marcus to start working on his project, and you get to yours. I'm going to Howler's Peak."
"Have fun," Lili said with what she imagined to be a sultry pout.
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Late Sunday Night
Police Plaza
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Holly had gone back to work incredibly early. She snatched a couple of hours of sleep, fed Bob, and there she was, back at the Headquarters, looking over the weapons in the armory.
She held up a slimline laser, looking at it with a little awe. Certified LEP officers were allowed to use them, within limits. However, Holly's standing with Internal Affairs was still too shaky for her to be granted the use of higher weapons. The slimline was a beautiful weapon, though -- steely and shiny and coldly efficient. She put it back and looked almost sadly at her trusty old Neutrino 2000. "Maybe someday," she mused.
"God, I hope not." A subdued Administrative Assistant stood in the doorway, looking tired. She tilted her head to the side and hit her temple, knocking foam out of her ears. "Commander wants you in the War Room." She turned and left, foam squidging from her shoes.
"Gah." Holly dropped the slimline lovingly and followed.
As she rounded the corner, a thin warlock smacked into her. "Captain Short! I'm so sorry!" she gasped as she held out a hand.
Holly blinked up, recognizing the warlock's features and strained, tense, pale green eyes. "Oh, you're that field medic, aren't you? Root will want you to come, too." She got to her feet by herself.
"Actually, I... you have visitors. They want you to come to the Tara chute terminal. He said I should give you this." Janisha reached for the chain her Book had hung on. The ruined coin was strung on it now, since her pockets had large holes in them and she didn't have anywhere else to put it. She pulled off the chain with its coin and handed it to Holly.
Holly started, holding the chain blankly, as if Janisha had handed her a dead bogglefish. A look of surprise fought with annoyance and curiousity to gain control of her features. Finally, she grabbed the warlock's hand and dashed off at a breakneck run.
It was a good thing that Janisha was running hot. Otherwise, she'd never be able to keep up.
----------------------------------------------------
And, because I felt like writing some Bob...
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-----------------------
Holly's Apartment
------------------------
Bob the Atlantean Bogglefish was paralyzed with horror.
He had reason to believe that there was a THING in the tank with him.
Bob was not a fish to back down from fear. He was a brave fish, a tough fish, a fish who took whatever life threw at him and fiercely boggled at it until it went away.
He took the courageous course of action by gaping blankly for a while in the opposite direction, finally noticing the THING again, every fiber of his fishy brain falling apart in tiny molecules of shock and surprise and ultimate consternation.
He decided to ignore it. If he didn't look at the THING, it wouldn't look at him.
The THING just sat there. It was only seaweed, and seaweed has never been very good at conversations. There's always the Babbling Seaweed of the Atlantis Shelf, which constantly repeats a phrase that sounds like "Pickles, kumquats and a dead whale," but this seaweed was not Babbling Seaweed. It was ordinary seaweed, and it sat quietly in the water.
Bob gave it a stealthy look out of the corner of his eyes.
IT was testing him.
Well, he would get the better of IT. He Contemplated the Ceiling, reveling religiously in its complex Mysteries. He would ignore it, and lull it into a false sense of security. Then, when it was properly lulled, he could move in for the boggle.
Bob settled himself to wait it out.
It was going to be a long wait.
-------------------------------
Howler's Peak
-------------------------------
Opal sighed as she left off IM-ing to talk with Takaban. "Yes, I can do that," she sighed when he had finished his proposal. Her fingers rattled along the keyboard. "Poor Foaly. He thinks he got rid of me. You really have to wonder how someone so smart can be so stupid."
With a little chuckle, Opal disabled a certain computer program. Foaly's pride meant that he only made one copy of this vital program, and he wasn't going to let anyone else copy it. Frond forbid they try to pirate his precious program and pass it off as their own technological breakthrough.
Of course, by now everyone had heard several times about Foaly's genius and how his pioneer program had saved hundreds of lives and made the LEP's work a lot easier.
But Foaly was still quite jealous of his program, which had just been rendered defunct.
Its name was SCIENCE.
"You've got about half an hour," Opal smiled. "The flare should be coming right on time."
----------------------------
Lower Elements, Haven City
Chute Terminal
----------------------------
Commandant Terryl was deeply annoyed. He'd been shanghaied from his nice home on the West Bank to work overtime at the chute terminal, which was basically empty. Annoyed, he played Solitaire on his computer and waited for customers to snarl at.
Footsteps. He looked up and his heart froze. "Not. You," he gasped, feeling ready to die of apoplexy.
Holly grinned toothily. "Yes. Me. We meet again, Commandant Terryl." She reached into her belt and twirled her buzz baton expertly between her slim fingers. "Once again, on my terms."
"What do you want?" Terryl rasped.
"Oh, I don't know." Holly released Janisha's wrist and the warlock sighed in relief, rubbing circulation back into it. Captain Short leaned casually against the counter. "Want to clean the terminal out again? It should be easy this time. No People."
"Never," Terryl growled.
"Not even for the crazy girly captain?" Holly breathed, leaning forward.
"Never!"
Holly smiled as she powered up her baton. "I've always wanted to do this," she stated cheerfully.
"Captain Short?" the warlock asked dubiously.
"Hold on a minute, intern." Holly held the sparking buzz baton over Terryl's computer. "Give me fifteen minutes of an empty terminal, and I maybe I won't completely destroy all your records."
"Obstruction of transportation," Terryl snapped.
"Obstruction of justice," Holly countered brightly.
"I'll tell my superior."
"Go ahead, you blustering bureaucrat," the medic spoke up suddenly. "He's my father."
Terryl's eyes widened. Holly took advantage of that to sprint to the line of pods. "Shut down the terminal," she called over her shoulder. Breathlessly, Janisha followed.
"Starter chip," Holly shouted. The warlock threw it on ahead and Holly caught it neatly. "Which one is it?"
"The white rental with the broken windshield."
"Ugh." Holly came to a neat halt, noting with pleasure the sudden, total absence of all People in it. "Is your father really--"
"No, he's a senior paramedic," Janisha panted. "He was decorated after the B'wa Kell invasion, though," she added with pride.
"Congratulations," Holly murmured. She wished she could say things like that about her own late father. The only person she had to brag about was her fish. She inserted the starter chip and opened the pod door.
She'd known who would be in there. Still, it was a complete blow to her system to see him there, a faint expectant smile on his face.
"What the hell are you doing here, Fowl?" Holly sighed, feeling oddly glad to see him and Butler there.
Sadly, Artemis's smooth reply was interrupted by an earthquake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GRACKLE BY ANY OTHER NAME STILL SMELLS AS SWEET ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALSO AN ATTEMPT TO RECRUIT CAMEO VOLUNTEERS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND AN ARGUMENT WITH BOB~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow. This is uncanny. I actually wrote 2 chapters in one week (though I didn't publish this one immediately. Had to make you wait.) But still, the uncanny-ness is very uncanny. Bob! Worship me!
Bob: o.O (Who are these people? Why are they looking at me? Do I have spinach in my teeth? Do I have teeth?)
I typed all this with a blister burn on my main typing finger. It happened while setting marshmallows on fire. Bob! Feel sorry for me!
Bob: O_O (Can't. Have to avoid seaweed. Very important.)
*sigh* So much for emotional support from Bob here. Don't know how Holly does it.
As the earthquake rattles Haven, I intend it to affect the Netherworld Flamingo as well. Instead of coming up with half a dozen bit-parts, I wondered if anyone would like to help me out by starring a cameo like Kitty did. (Don't worry, your character will not be hurt, except if they burn themselves on flaming marshmallows.) I'd like your help, coming up with Colfer-like names for bit-parts gives me a headache. (I mean, Vice Corporal Fallacy? What was I ON?)
Bob: -.- (I believe, at the time, it was half an hour of sleep and your version of Trouble's Drink.)
*blink* Ah yes. It all comes back to me now. My email is caspian_scholar@hotmail.com if you're interested.
Bob: O.* (WAIT! WAIT! STOP THE PRESS! I think my brain exploded! Hold on... I have a brain? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?) (lapses into confused and fishy silence)
PS Mage Kitty and Maiden Genisis. Your emails aren't working! How do I deal with this? Why is this happening to me? Why me? Why now? What do I do? TELL ME! *breaks down completely, sobbing and clutching a pillow wet with tears*
Bob: -.0 (Time for your medication...)
Oh, shut up, you silly fish. (throws pillow)
Bob: ~.~ (That was uncalled for. Help. Help. I'm being repressed.)
|
|
v
Artemis Fowl: The Ivory Files
By Caspian Nyghtvision
--------------------------------------
Notes: Janisha Silver figures largely in this chapter. But for a good reason. Bear with me. Please.
Thanks to Kitty Rainbow for playing the cameo role in the Netherworld Flamingo. Next chapter I intend to do a few more cameos as customers at the Flamingo. Any volunteers? (Recruitment plea at end of Chapter)
(Note: The song quote today is one of my personal favorites. If you know it, praise on high! The book quote I found in a really old book at the library the library. Published 1920. Isn't that weird? Isn't it perfect? Isn't it BRILLIANT? Isn't it... reverse plagiarism? I'd sue the man if he wasn't... dead.)
________________________________________________________________________
Chapter Nine: If I Tried, I Could Probably Think of A Better Title
_________________________________________________________________________
""A trout, hiding under a stone, watched the dog's tongue as it broke through the arch of water-and-air above him. It seemed like a great mystery, and filled the little fish with religious fears. "After all," he said to a friend who was passing by, "We know very little of what lies beyond; and we should worship what we do not know." "Nonsense," said his friend, "There is nothing beyond, except an absence of water. Do you want to worship an absence?"
The first fish did not reply. But it seemed to him that there was, at least, neither cruelty nor injustice in an absence; and that an actual Prescence in the world above was just as mysterious as nothing at all."" -- From "Sir Henry" by Robert Nathan
"I watched the world float to the
Dark side of the moon
After all I knew it had to be something
To do with you
I really don't mind what happens now and then
As long as you'll be my friend at the end..."
--- "Kryptonite" by Three Doors Down
---------------------
Sunday Night
Outside L92 Chute Entrance
---------------------
Janisha Silver groaned dizzily as she stepped out into fresh air. She'd never liked journeying through the chutes -- it gave her a pressure headache -- and now, with her Gift as dry as it had ever been, she could barely see straight.
She looked horrible, and she knew it. Her shoulders slumped, her battered uniform hanging on her body like floursacks on a sawhorse. She hadn't even had the time to take a shower.
"Man, this whole thing bites," Janisha muttered to no one in particular, straining to see in the dark. Interns like her weren't allowed special equipment like wings or nightvision goggles. The stingy bureaucrats at the Council thought they couldn't be trusted with those, when not even the Lower Elements Police had access to decent technology.
No one stopped to think how dangerous it was for young medics like her every time they went to the surface. She had no power left for shielding or mesmer. Without equipment and drained of her power, she and all the other students who had to replenish their Gift were sitting ducks for whatever humans or wild animals happened to wander by. If one kid got caught, that was it. So much for the species.
Out in the open hills of Ireland, it was cold, for July. Shivering, Janisha pulled her jacket tighter as she trudged towards the great oak tree. She tried with every fiber of her being not to hate those bastards at the Council. It didn't work.
She hated them.
All alone on the surface, filled with resentment and a yawning exhaustion, Janisha began to feel depressed. Haven was such an enclosed and boring place. Here, out under the watchful stars with the cold wind whipping her jacket and giving her reason to move -- this was where she belonged. Not shut up in an underground hospital to heal the broken bodies of others for the rest of her life.
With her breath coming more raggedly than ever, Janisha collapsed at the base of the oak tree. Everything was there -- the full moon, the ancient oak, the twisting water. Her eyelids closed halfway, her mouth was parched, and her head swam. She fumbled about on the ground until she touched the hard, smooth surface of a perfect acorn.
Find a place to plant it, far from the spot where it was taken.
Janisha got tiredly to her feet, trudging off into the dark. She was too tired and cold to go very far, so she climbed over an old stone wall and landed in a farmer's pasture. She scrabbled about on her hands and knees, grinding mud into the fabric of her poor clothes. As soon as she got back from this, she was taking a shower, with all her clothes ON. Interns barely recieved enough pay to buy soap -- doing laundry was a luxury. Sometimes the warlock interns would get together with some university students or junior LEP officers, and they would pool their money to go to the laundromat. Yeah, wasn't Haven a fun place to be young in?
Janisha scraped away some leaves and loam, making a little nest for her acorn. "From the earth thy power flows, given through courtesy, so thanks are owed..." she mumbled.
Suddenly, a pair of heavy hands closed down around her neck. Janisha screamed, struggling, but her strength could never match that of her opponent.
Touched without her permission, her copy of the Book caught fire, burning away to nothing in an instant.
-----------------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile in the Fish Tank in Holly's Apartment
----------------------------------------------------------
Bob the Atlantean Bogglefish suddenly realized that he was a Prophetic Fish.
He had just had a vision of the Future.
The Future was round, and slightly spongy in the middle. It was an orangish-yellowish color, with dimples. The Vision hovered next to the Ceiling, which was of course the Epitome of Everything.
The Future, Bob decided, was both grapefruit and yet it was not grapefruit. It was a Zen-like state of being, at once yes-fruit and no-fruit. Perhaps it was a grackle. Perhaps it was an origami rendition of a weasel. Perhaps it was a moldering plate of cottage cheese left for too long in the fridge.
Bob floated at a diagonal angle and thought deep thoughts.
Like all bogglefish, he was farsighted, and it took a lot of amusing squinting and crossed eyes to focus on things near his nose. On a whim, he crossed his huge white eyes and squinted, and was shocked and astonished to see Something come into focus.
His fishy heart almost stopped in horror.
What WAS that?!
----------------------------------------------------
Meanwhile Back in Tara
-----------------------------------------------------
Butler winced as the sparks from the burning Book flew into his eyes. Thankfully his shiny, reflective sunglasses protected them. He kept a tight grip on the small, wiggling form, feeling the delicate bones and cool skin of something not quite human. His huge hand was clamped tightly over its mouth, preventing any noise.
Abruptly the little thing stopped struggling and seemed to go limp. With a shock, Butler realized that he'd been cutting off its air supply. His hands were so big, and its face was so small. Quickly he pulled away so the captive could breathe. "Artemis?" he said into his headset.
"What?" came the clear reply.
"It's unconscious."
There was a pause. "What, it fainted?"
"Not exactly. Oh, no, she's coming around."
"She?" Artemis paused, wondering if he'd accidentally caught Holly again. Actually, he hoped he had. Holly would probably sort him out. "What species?"
"Uh..." Butler looked at it askance. "A... blue one."
Not Holly, then, unless she had spontaneously decided to start painting her face with woad. It didn't seem likely, Holly had never struck him as the makeup type. Artemis pulled out of his cover and approached the manservant and his new captive.
What a pity he couldn't use Mulch to show him an entrance to Haven. The dwarf would be arrested instantly, and Artemis would be short an employee. He didn't really like swooping down on People as they tried to plant acorns, though. It seemed vaguely un-sporting.
"A warlock," Artemis announced, eyeing the slate-skinned figure, who was blinking dazedly. "Juvenile, I believe." Raising his sunglasses slightly, he walked slowly around her, as if she was an interesting exhibit at the museum or zoo. "Medic?" he demanded abruptly, noting her uniform.
She nodded, tensing automatically into an 'at-attention' pose. "Junior Medic, field division,--" she began, cutting herself off before she spilled anything important. Artemis nodded vaguely. "Oh, don't worry, you can't really tell me anything I don't know. I'm Artemis Fowl the Second."
"D'Arvit." Janisha slumped even farther than she had been. She gave the impression that she could sink no farther. "Well, don't bother with ransom. The LEP doesn't care that much about me, I'm just a broke, lowly female intern." She said this almost challengingly.
Artemis didn't even blink. "I'm not here for money, intern. I need to get into Haven." Butler gave him a raised-eyebrow look, and Artemis added, "Please?"
"Ha." The warlock wiggled slightly, but Butler's grip was like rock.
"It's urgent. I need to speak to Commander Root. It's very important," Artemis said, looking down at her. Janisha's fingers slowly scrabbled forward, scooping up some granules of dirt, and slowly she pulled them back. Butler caught her long thin hand, tossing the acorn out of reach. "You can plant your acorn when we're done with you."
"Why do you need the commander?" Janisha asked evenly, trying to ignore the pain in her wrist. She couldn't stop the thrill running through her. Here she was, talking with the former greatest enemy of the People. All right, maybe her life wasn't so boring after all. "Besides, the pressure underground..."
Artemis tightened his lips. "None of your business, really, though I can see why you're nervous. Think, though - what harm can I do to Haven? You may take my word, I urgently need to talk to the commander. For all of our sakes. And I've been underground before. A token of faith," he added, handing her a new acorn. Janisha looked at him blankly. She took the nut, scooped out a little hollow of earth, laid it to rest there with a clump of dirt over it.
A flood of blue sparks rushed over her, and the two humans blinked despite their sunglasses. The rush of power was almost blinding in the darkness, lighting up the night with a glowing blue aura. Janisha crouched with her eyes closed, sparks shooting up her fingers and arms and head and filling her up. They began to slow down after a minute, but there was still an eerie blue glow in the air.
As if answering the blue beacon, a pair of headlights cut through the dark. It was a deserted place, but there was occasionally traffic.
"D'Arvit," Artemis said emphatically, and Janisha looked up, shocked to hear him use a Gnommish swear.
"Do you know what that means?" she started, a huge smirk covering her face, before she noticed the headlights. "Oh. D'Arvit."
Butler stood up and pulled her upright, putting her behind his back. The truck slowed to a halt, and the three of them froze as two people and an animal got out. Janisha got herself ready before she felt Artemis's scathing scorn in her ear.
"Don't try to shield, fairy. They have a dog. He's already smelled you."
"Urgh." Although she would never admit it, Janisha ducked farther behind Butler. Large dogs made her nervous. A dog is impervious to shielding or mesmer, and it's far more quiet, intelligent and versatile than your average troll. An angry, hungry dog could shred a pixie to pieces like a dragonfly on the wing. Silver shuddered and made herself stop thinking these thoughts.
The farmers and their dog approached them with more curiousity than aggression. "What's going on here, a fire?" one of them shouted when they were in hailing distance.
"No," Artemis said. He motioned to Butler and walked off. Butler followed, Janisha's wrist clamped tightly between his thumb and index finger.
The farmers looked at each other, at a loss, and shrugged in utter confusion. They walked back to their truck. Their dog remained behind, staring at the third figure in the party with the oddest look on its face. A growl escaped its throat, and it backed away with its hackles raised before turning and fleeing after its master.
-------------------------
Sunday Night
Howler's Peak
-------------------------
Blip. An instant message popped up on Opal's screen.
With a sigh, she clicked on it. The little screen shot up, reading:
LOTRHotFangirl: Why do you insist on being so perverted?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: I'm not perverted. I'm an artist. Expect a virus to disintegrate your computer at about 3.30 tomorrow afternoon.
Opal Koboi closed the window and set about sending off the virus. Who said prisoners didn't have fun? There she was, completely isolated, just her and the great World Wide Web. She was the spider, and everyone else caught up in the Web was her prey.
Opal laughed a slightly insane little laugh and rattled her fingernails together.
Blip.
LOTRHotFangirl: Is nothing sacred?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: No, not really. Would you like another virus?
LOTRHotFangirl: Bite me.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Very well.
LOTRHotFangirl: You can't get past my firewalls.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Watch me.
LOTRHotFangirl: Hit me with your worst... I'll have you knocked off fanfiction.net!
-------------------
Fowl Manor
-------------------
Juliet Butler growled at her computer. "I'd like to knock this witch into the middle of next update," she snarled, then smacked herself upside the head. "Oh, no. My muffins!" Quickly, she typed an instant message.
LOTRHotFangirl: GTG. MAB. Shall we continue some other time?
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: MAB?
LOTRHotFangirl: Muffins Are Burnt...
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... I see.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: ... Not really.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Tell me when you get back.
LOTRHotFangirl has logged off.
Juliet smiled and ran downstairs to the kitchen, which was filled with a weird, thick, greasy black smoke.
-----------------
Howler's Peak
-----------------
Opal Koboi stared dejectedly at her computer. MAB. It obviously was some kind of term, but it meant something she didn't know. Was it a new slash term she'd never heard of before? Why hadn't she heard of it?
MAB. Muffins Are Burnt. What could it insinuate?
Muffins...
What could it mean? She had to find out.
"Get back here quick," she pleaded to her silent computer. "Please!"
-----------------------
Late Sunday Night
Chute Terminal E1, Tara, Ireland
-----------------------
Only a few People were wandering around the shuttleport at this time of night. Janisha froze up, her fingers clenching the controls. She had always been a nervous flier, especially in rentals. This was a rental at its worst -- a beat-up pod with more dents than windows, its controls as loose as a dwarf's bowels.
Whipping her head around, she glared at Artemis Fowl, who looked at her impassively from behind his sunglasses.
"I can't take a Mud Teen through THIS. It's crowded. There's People here. I'll be arrested for treason."
"No, you won't," Artemis said calmly, leafing through one of the magazines he'd found on the floor. Nobody had cleaned out this cheap rental pod for a while, so it was filled with other driver's junk. The magazine Artemis had appeared to be the People's version of 'People.' He looked at it with distaste, then met her eyes again. The warlock saw herself reflected in those shiny mesmer-proof glasses, and realized with embarrassment what a messy character she looked. Despite herself, she flushed, giving her cheeks an angry purple tinge. "What makes you so sure, Mud Teen?"
"Mud Teen? Haven't heard that one before. I thought I was a Mud Boy," Artemis said in the same half-interested tone.
"No, you're not nearly cute enough to be a little Boy, and you're too scrawny for a Man," Janisha sighed, fidgeting. Did these people have no sense of time? She looked pleadingly at Butler, who was completely cramped into the backseat of the cheap little pod, looking somewhat like a water buffalo crammed into a very small Pontiac.
"Calm down, Medic," Artemis ordered with supreme calm. "You may leave the vehicle, after promising to return with Commander Root."
"Promise?" Janisha said weakly.
"Otherwise, Butler will deal with you," Artemis mentioned, gesturing to the huge manservant. Janisha blinked, setting her hand on the pod door.
"All right, I promise."
"Swear it," Artemis said, not looking up. Janisha growled. "I swear it on my Book."
"Which you haven't got," Artemis observed. The warlock looked down at the empty chain around her neck.
"I swear it on the new copy of the Book I will buy on the very rare occasion that I have money? No," she sighed, "Not good enough. How about on my reputation? That good enough for you?"
"Not really, you being a broke, lowly female intern," Artemis said, flipping casually through another magazine. Butler coughed meaningfully, and Artemis finally looked up. "But, since you obviously don't have anything else, it'll have to do."
"Good," Silver spat sarcastically, opening the door.
"Wait," Artemis commanded. "Say it."
Janisha bit her lip. Placing her hand on her chest, where her insignia would be one day, she looked him in the eye. "I swear on my reputation and honor that I will return with Commander Root. Providing, of course, that he listens to someone like me. Which isn't likely."
Artemis looked at her. Seeing that she was serious, he sighed. "Why couldn't I have kidnapped someone important," he muttered. He continued to stare at her a long time. "All right, I understand. Find Captain Short instead... and show her this. She'll believe you."
Janisha looked at the object he dropped so reluctantly into her hand.
It was a gold coin, of fairy make. It would have bought her two day's supply of the ramen noodles that are the staple diet of all broke students worldwide. However, as money, it was worthless. There was a hole blasted neatly and cleanly through the center of the coin.
She saw Artemis looking at her steadily. Perhaps this little ruined coin meant something more to him than money. She couldn't possibly think what. This WAS Artemis Fowl after all.
"All right," she said, sighing again deeply, so that this insolent Mud Teen would appreciate the enormity of what she was doing. "I'll be right back."
---------------
Fowl Manor
---------------
Juliet burst out laughing, clapping her hand over her mouth before the Fowl parents could hear. They had gone to bed early, aided by a little sleeping draught in their after-dinner drinks. Juliet was left to hold the fort while her older brother and Artemis traipsed all over God knew where.
She was happy with the arrangement. She got to chat with her new friend.
LOTRHotFangirl: LOL! That's an incredible insight!
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: Thank you. If you read enough Tolkien, you can pick up all kinds of weird stuff. Did you know that he based his stories on what he taught at Oxford?
LOTRHotFangirl: No, I just know the movies.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: *long sigh* We have a lot to learn.
---------------------
Howler's Peak
---------------------
Opal wasn't too bad off either. She now had a disciple to instruct, which gave her something to do. Howler's Peak suddenly didn't seem so bad after all. Her new student used far too many smilies and abbreviations, and her poor grammar and spelling were a headache for the perfectionist pixie to decipher. Still, Opal Koboi was always one for a challenge. These things could be fixed.
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: We should keep talking. Do you want my email?
LOTRHotFangirl: Are you kidding? The rest of the community's scared to death of you! It would be soooo cool!
Opal smiled. So her new friend also put too many "O's" in 'so.' As in, "Briar was sooo ugly, but he was sooo evil."
EvillyBrilliantFemmeFatale: You know, we're actually a lot alike.
--------------------------
Undisclosed Location
(Somewhere Very Cold)
----------------------------
Mikhael Vassikin woke up in a small, bare-looking room. Takaban looked at him impassively. "The cancer's gone," he said as Mikhael started poking himself all over. "I made sure of that." He walked over to Vassikin and seized the man's hair. It had been shedding a bit from the illegal chemotherapy sessions Vassikin had been getting, but now it stayed in as firm as ever. "Where's Niklaus?" he managed to croak.
"He is only a partial witness. I've already questioned him. You, however, witnessed most of the transaction. Now it's your turn." Takaban knelt and started unpacking a video camera. Vassikin noticed that he was still wearing the long coat, though the room was moderately warm. With a whirl and a slight rustle, Takaban faced him with the camera, checking the light quality and fitting it to a tripod. "It's all quite unnecessary, of course," he said suddenly in the husky low monotone that seemed to be his only speaking voice. "I just like paying attention to detail."
Vassikin wasn't sure of what to say to that, but he had no time to sit in confused silence. The camera was in his face and Takaban was looking at him steadily. "I need to ask you some questions, and I need you to be completely honest. You do know what honesty is, don't you?"
"Yes," Vassikin said, affronted.
"You just don't practice it," Takaban sighed. "Look me in the eyes, Vassikin. I don't appreciate lies. Now, I need you to tell me everything -- starting when the Fowl Star crashed in the Gulf of Kola."
Vassikin looked into Takaban's night-black eyes and felt a little dizzy. "Camera," he croaked.
"Don't mind the camera, it's not even there."
Vassikin believed him completely. The camera was not even there.
He opened his mouth and the words came rushing out.
-----------------------------
Night-Owl Shift, Sunday Night
Netherworld Flamingo
Downtown Haven
-----------------------------
Kitty, Illustrious Bartender of the Netherworld Flamingo, ran her fingers through her hair, raking out a few brightly colored feathers that a Random Parrot had left there when it flew, stupidly, into her head. With her other hand, she poured a glowing green liquid into a glass, where it reacted strangely with the liquid already there. She pushed the glass over to the customer, who happened to be a certain sprite with a rakish, spiderweb scar in his wing.
"So, babe, what's your sign?" he asked suavely, accepting the radioactive-looking liquid.
Kitty reached behind the bar and pulled out a sign. It read, "BEWARE OF POKE."
Chix Verbil squinted as he read it. "Never heard of that sign before. What's it mean?"
Kitty poked him with it. He fell off the stool.
She grinned hyperly and pulled a notepad out of her apron pocket. "Number of People Poked Today: 37." She added a tallymark and nodded emphatically, bouncing with the movement. A nearby gnome noticed this and relocated to the other end of the bar, muttering crustily about "hyperness" and "not in my day."
Caspian dashed by, carrying far too many trays. A Random Parrot leaped from the rafters to divebomb her head, screaming "You'll never take me alive!" Disaster was inevitable.
Dashing about frantically, Kitty caught two trays in her free hand and one on her left foot, gracefully catching a spoon with her tongue. Caspian flung herself on her stomach, managing to catch a tray in her hands, a fork in her toes, and an ice cube with her ear. They stared at each other in awe.
"How did we do that?"
"No idea," Kitty replied cheerfully. Caspian got to her feet and promptly tripped over them again.
"Oh well. Didn't break anything," she said weakly as all the things she caught fell back in the downward direction.
"And elves are always bragging about how graceful they are," a pixie at the bar snorted disdainfully.
Kitty looked down at the trays she had miraculously rescued. She noticed with surprise the drinks and food arranged on one of the trays. Nobody else ordered this stuff, except --
"I'll take these, Caspian," she announced, feeling that her night just got a lot more interesting.
"I was blind but now I see!" A Random Parrot preached. "The clarity is devastating. But where is the ambiguity? Over there in a box." It took off and collided with another Random Parrot midair. They lay on their backs, gurgling at the ceiling. Getting unsteadily to her feet, Caspian picked them up before they got danced on, and put them in a dishwasher, to sober up. "Thanks," she said breathlessly.
"Never give up! Never surrender!" one of the Parrots squalled defiantly. Caspian caught it as it tried to escape and stuffed it into the silverware rack. "Sit! Stay!" She ordered pointlessly.
"Come and see the violence inherent in the system!" the other Parrot bawled.
"Shut up! Bloody parrot!"
Meanwhile, Kitty had distributed all of her trays except one. She approached her final customer, who seemed lost in thought, staring blankly at the table.
"Room for one more, Trub?"
The only reply she got was a distant, half-comprehensible noise. Kitty took it as an affirmative and slid into the seat, dropping the tray in front of her. "I heard you guys had to move. How's the new place?"
"Nightmarish," Trouble said despondently. He batted away a Random Parrot that was giggling in his ear. Without looking up, he outlined the gruesome details of the new apartment. Kitty's eyes widened and she immediately produced a flyswatter and a pair of rubber gloves. "You're letting your little brother stay in a place like that?!" she demanded, loading them into Trouble's arms. "Make sure he gets these!"
"Truly and indeed, you have chosen a bad place to be lame in," the Random Parrot hissed sibilantly. Still looking at the table, Trouble picked up the flyswatter and smacked it like a feathery badminton birdie. "Drink milk for strong healthy booooooones!" it cried distantly as it sailed off over the rafters.
"So how's work?" Kitty contined in an attempt to keep up the conversation. It was hard, as the Parrots were unusually determined tonight, and kept pelting them with irrelevancies. ("When in Turkey, do as the Turkeys do!")
"Bad," Trouble said, looking at her for the first time. "I can't tell you about it, though. Confidential." And he went back to looking depressedly at the table.
"How's Grub?" Kitty attempted.
His reaction was completely unexpected. Captain Kelp, who was always so athletic and aggressive and generally cool, suddenly curled up in the fetal position and started sobbing. It was completely out of character, and all Kitty could do was slide into his seat, pat him on the shoulder, beat off the Parrots and murmur words of comfort.
Her job did have its perks.
--------------------------
Undisclosed
--------------------------
LEP Corporal Lili Frond entered the room nervously. She looked blankly at the unconscious Mikhael Vassikin, sprawled inelegantly into a chair. "Ugly species, aren't they?"
Takaban didn't reply. He shrugged off his jacket and spread one wing, preening through the black feathers with both hands. Short feathers, long feathers, downy feathers, minor pinions - they came loose and drifted loosely to the floor. Healthy feathers don't shed that fast. He stared at them with a deeply depressed look. "I haven't got long left," he whispered.
"What?" Lili asked, flicking some more blond tresses over her shoulder.
"Nothing. I'm just brooding." Takaban nodded at Vassikin's snoring form. "Get him out of here, please?"
"Sure," she shrugged. "Anything else?"
Takaban paused. "Yes. Tell Marcus to start working on his project, and you get to yours. I'm going to Howler's Peak."
"Have fun," Lili said with what she imagined to be a sultry pout.
------------------------------
Late Sunday Night
Police Plaza
-------------------------------
Holly had gone back to work incredibly early. She snatched a couple of hours of sleep, fed Bob, and there she was, back at the Headquarters, looking over the weapons in the armory.
She held up a slimline laser, looking at it with a little awe. Certified LEP officers were allowed to use them, within limits. However, Holly's standing with Internal Affairs was still too shaky for her to be granted the use of higher weapons. The slimline was a beautiful weapon, though -- steely and shiny and coldly efficient. She put it back and looked almost sadly at her trusty old Neutrino 2000. "Maybe someday," she mused.
"God, I hope not." A subdued Administrative Assistant stood in the doorway, looking tired. She tilted her head to the side and hit her temple, knocking foam out of her ears. "Commander wants you in the War Room." She turned and left, foam squidging from her shoes.
"Gah." Holly dropped the slimline lovingly and followed.
As she rounded the corner, a thin warlock smacked into her. "Captain Short! I'm so sorry!" she gasped as she held out a hand.
Holly blinked up, recognizing the warlock's features and strained, tense, pale green eyes. "Oh, you're that field medic, aren't you? Root will want you to come, too." She got to her feet by herself.
"Actually, I... you have visitors. They want you to come to the Tara chute terminal. He said I should give you this." Janisha reached for the chain her Book had hung on. The ruined coin was strung on it now, since her pockets had large holes in them and she didn't have anywhere else to put it. She pulled off the chain with its coin and handed it to Holly.
Holly started, holding the chain blankly, as if Janisha had handed her a dead bogglefish. A look of surprise fought with annoyance and curiousity to gain control of her features. Finally, she grabbed the warlock's hand and dashed off at a breakneck run.
It was a good thing that Janisha was running hot. Otherwise, she'd never be able to keep up.
----------------------------------------------------
And, because I felt like writing some Bob...
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-----------------------
Holly's Apartment
------------------------
Bob the Atlantean Bogglefish was paralyzed with horror.
He had reason to believe that there was a THING in the tank with him.
Bob was not a fish to back down from fear. He was a brave fish, a tough fish, a fish who took whatever life threw at him and fiercely boggled at it until it went away.
He took the courageous course of action by gaping blankly for a while in the opposite direction, finally noticing the THING again, every fiber of his fishy brain falling apart in tiny molecules of shock and surprise and ultimate consternation.
He decided to ignore it. If he didn't look at the THING, it wouldn't look at him.
The THING just sat there. It was only seaweed, and seaweed has never been very good at conversations. There's always the Babbling Seaweed of the Atlantis Shelf, which constantly repeats a phrase that sounds like "Pickles, kumquats and a dead whale," but this seaweed was not Babbling Seaweed. It was ordinary seaweed, and it sat quietly in the water.
Bob gave it a stealthy look out of the corner of his eyes.
IT was testing him.
Well, he would get the better of IT. He Contemplated the Ceiling, reveling religiously in its complex Mysteries. He would ignore it, and lull it into a false sense of security. Then, when it was properly lulled, he could move in for the boggle.
Bob settled himself to wait it out.
It was going to be a long wait.
-------------------------------
Howler's Peak
-------------------------------
Opal sighed as she left off IM-ing to talk with Takaban. "Yes, I can do that," she sighed when he had finished his proposal. Her fingers rattled along the keyboard. "Poor Foaly. He thinks he got rid of me. You really have to wonder how someone so smart can be so stupid."
With a little chuckle, Opal disabled a certain computer program. Foaly's pride meant that he only made one copy of this vital program, and he wasn't going to let anyone else copy it. Frond forbid they try to pirate his precious program and pass it off as their own technological breakthrough.
Of course, by now everyone had heard several times about Foaly's genius and how his pioneer program had saved hundreds of lives and made the LEP's work a lot easier.
But Foaly was still quite jealous of his program, which had just been rendered defunct.
Its name was SCIENCE.
"You've got about half an hour," Opal smiled. "The flare should be coming right on time."
----------------------------
Lower Elements, Haven City
Chute Terminal
----------------------------
Commandant Terryl was deeply annoyed. He'd been shanghaied from his nice home on the West Bank to work overtime at the chute terminal, which was basically empty. Annoyed, he played Solitaire on his computer and waited for customers to snarl at.
Footsteps. He looked up and his heart froze. "Not. You," he gasped, feeling ready to die of apoplexy.
Holly grinned toothily. "Yes. Me. We meet again, Commandant Terryl." She reached into her belt and twirled her buzz baton expertly between her slim fingers. "Once again, on my terms."
"What do you want?" Terryl rasped.
"Oh, I don't know." Holly released Janisha's wrist and the warlock sighed in relief, rubbing circulation back into it. Captain Short leaned casually against the counter. "Want to clean the terminal out again? It should be easy this time. No People."
"Never," Terryl growled.
"Not even for the crazy girly captain?" Holly breathed, leaning forward.
"Never!"
Holly smiled as she powered up her baton. "I've always wanted to do this," she stated cheerfully.
"Captain Short?" the warlock asked dubiously.
"Hold on a minute, intern." Holly held the sparking buzz baton over Terryl's computer. "Give me fifteen minutes of an empty terminal, and I maybe I won't completely destroy all your records."
"Obstruction of transportation," Terryl snapped.
"Obstruction of justice," Holly countered brightly.
"I'll tell my superior."
"Go ahead, you blustering bureaucrat," the medic spoke up suddenly. "He's my father."
Terryl's eyes widened. Holly took advantage of that to sprint to the line of pods. "Shut down the terminal," she called over her shoulder. Breathlessly, Janisha followed.
"Starter chip," Holly shouted. The warlock threw it on ahead and Holly caught it neatly. "Which one is it?"
"The white rental with the broken windshield."
"Ugh." Holly came to a neat halt, noting with pleasure the sudden, total absence of all People in it. "Is your father really--"
"No, he's a senior paramedic," Janisha panted. "He was decorated after the B'wa Kell invasion, though," she added with pride.
"Congratulations," Holly murmured. She wished she could say things like that about her own late father. The only person she had to brag about was her fish. She inserted the starter chip and opened the pod door.
She'd known who would be in there. Still, it was a complete blow to her system to see him there, a faint expectant smile on his face.
"What the hell are you doing here, Fowl?" Holly sighed, feeling oddly glad to see him and Butler there.
Sadly, Artemis's smooth reply was interrupted by an earthquake.
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ A GRACKLE BY ANY OTHER NAME STILL SMELLS AS SWEET ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~ ALSO AN ATTEMPT TO RECRUIT CAMEO VOLUNTEERS ~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~AND AN ARGUMENT WITH BOB~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~~
Wow. This is uncanny. I actually wrote 2 chapters in one week (though I didn't publish this one immediately. Had to make you wait.) But still, the uncanny-ness is very uncanny. Bob! Worship me!
Bob: o.O (Who are these people? Why are they looking at me? Do I have spinach in my teeth? Do I have teeth?)
I typed all this with a blister burn on my main typing finger. It happened while setting marshmallows on fire. Bob! Feel sorry for me!
Bob: O_O (Can't. Have to avoid seaweed. Very important.)
*sigh* So much for emotional support from Bob here. Don't know how Holly does it.
As the earthquake rattles Haven, I intend it to affect the Netherworld Flamingo as well. Instead of coming up with half a dozen bit-parts, I wondered if anyone would like to help me out by starring a cameo like Kitty did. (Don't worry, your character will not be hurt, except if they burn themselves on flaming marshmallows.) I'd like your help, coming up with Colfer-like names for bit-parts gives me a headache. (I mean, Vice Corporal Fallacy? What was I ON?)
Bob: -.- (I believe, at the time, it was half an hour of sleep and your version of Trouble's Drink.)
*blink* Ah yes. It all comes back to me now. My email is caspian_scholar@hotmail.com if you're interested.
Bob: O.* (WAIT! WAIT! STOP THE PRESS! I think my brain exploded! Hold on... I have a brain? Why doesn't anyone tell me these things?) (lapses into confused and fishy silence)
PS Mage Kitty and Maiden Genisis. Your emails aren't working! How do I deal with this? Why is this happening to me? Why me? Why now? What do I do? TELL ME! *breaks down completely, sobbing and clutching a pillow wet with tears*
Bob: -.0 (Time for your medication...)
Oh, shut up, you silly fish. (throws pillow)
Bob: ~.~ (That was uncalled for. Help. Help. I'm being repressed.)
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